Good Morning Everyone,
I hope all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving. We ate and ate and ate......and then the s*** hit the fan. I knew instantly that something was up when I got hugged and he wouldn't let go. I bit my tounge and waited all night for an explanation as to what was going on.....nothing I get it this morning. Apparently he has done a few bags of h in the past week. Now as not to piss the moderators off to much I will try to put my feelings out there without having it all beeped out.
What a stupid, ungrateful, self servering, idiotic SOB, who has the guts to even think in his mind that I am stupid and have no idea what is going on. I had an idea on Tuesday and he went to out-patient that day.....so I thought great drug test......but the idiot counselor doesn't do one......I will be on the phone about that one today.....I filled out the hippa forms so he has to talk to me....(hubby signed).
So now I am at a loss as to what to do. He wants me to pack his stuff and throw him out......just great I toss you the kids are heartbroken hate me and then you can get f***ed up all you want. I am sure that at somepoint in the near future I will also get the I should just kill myself speech. The last time he said that I gave him the keys to his pick-up and told him to go for it. The truth is he is worth way more dead than alive anyway and I wouldn't lose a damn thing. I could even quit my part time job! (I know that was mean, but the truth hurts sometime)
Thank God I have a back up plan for everything....really don't know if I should give up on him yet....but this is really getting old. No amount of love is worth this kind of bull.....
Today is my favorite day of the year......he knows that and he just destroyed it.....but it also is the kids so i quess I have to push foward for them. Off to the attic I go to retrieve the Christmas decorations.......yeah I'm putting on a happy face!
Sending out love to all you guys this morning......give back and hug the ones you love!
Tina
hey tina,
just a note to tell you i am sorry, for ba and yourself. i know it is hard for you, to never be able to trust to listen to the lies, but from his perspective he is hurting also. i am not defending but i do know how he feels. please hang with him he needs you now more than ever tell him i said hello. and for him to start over he can do it
in christ's love
johnny
just a note to tell you i am sorry, for ba and yourself. i know it is hard for you, to never be able to trust to listen to the lies, but from his perspective he is hurting also. i am not defending but i do know how he feels. please hang with him he needs you now more than ever tell him i said hello. and for him to start over he can do it
in christ's love
johnny
Hi Tina no amount of advice given is going to help you hun you need to listen to your inner self and do whats right for you and your family not much help i know but you will find the answer somwhow i hope. take care hun jackie xxxx
Ahhhh Misty, I'm really sorry you're going through this....again. You clearly are a good woman with a heart big enough for two; BA is a good man who is still very ill. The latter doesn't negate anything you're feeling. The helplessness, frustration, anger, fear. So far, much of your attention and focus has been on BA and helping him to get better -- what kind of support do you have? With Love, M.
Hi Misty its molly.Im SO sorry that that has happened if I can help YOU in anyways please tell.I will be on here most of today I think.....Mollyjean
Thanks guys for you responses........I know that this is going to be the thoughest day of my life. He is either out, which for me is FOREVER once I commit to something I never ever go back! Or I have to find the strength somewhere (wish I knew where to tap into some) and start all over again. DAY ONE Really don't like saying day one......
Atoz you better not even think of using this as a reason or excuse to let yourself f*** up in the slightest bit with your plan. The baseball bat with bad attitudes name on it works on anyone as I see it...........
None4me you can't believe the support I have. I can pick up the phone any hour any day and talk to someone. The best thing about all of this is that all of our close friends are basically drug free.....only social drinkers.....thank god for that.
I think the worst part is I know how hard it is to not give into the cravings......but you know what I have wanted a couple beers since this mess all started and still have not had one. I know that is the easy way out......but it is there calling everyday. Today it happens to be screaming!
Jacky just to respond helps more than you realize.
Tina
Atoz you better not even think of using this as a reason or excuse to let yourself f*** up in the slightest bit with your plan. The baseball bat with bad attitudes name on it works on anyone as I see it...........
None4me you can't believe the support I have. I can pick up the phone any hour any day and talk to someone. The best thing about all of this is that all of our close friends are basically drug free.....only social drinkers.....thank god for that.
I think the worst part is I know how hard it is to not give into the cravings......but you know what I have wanted a couple beers since this mess all started and still have not had one. I know that is the easy way out......but it is there calling everyday. Today it happens to be screaming!
Jacky just to respond helps more than you realize.
Tina
Thanks Molly I will have the board up.....it works both ways here.....if you need anything at all you better ask.
Tina
Tina
Thank you so much.I feel kinda guilty even saying this but My Thanksgiving was Great.I am doing alot better pill wise.I feel so bad for you misty.I send you a big (HUG).Something tells me your the type that doesn't even know how strong you are.I may be wrong but you seem very strongwilled and I think that once you make whatever desions you will see it through,but right now it seems like thats the hardest thing to do.You really don't know what to do huh?Well I think all of us who come here are pulling for you.I know I am.Please keep in contact.....Take Care.....Mollyjean
Misty-
I'm so sorry your're Thanksgiving was "screwed up". Dont feel too bad - my brother got "trashed" and started arguing with my Dad (I had to take my kids and leave my OWN house for a little while because I was sooo aggrevated). I shouldve known better - I dont have what you would call the "normal" family. We are (well most) are either alcoholics or addicts - its in the genes. Well, all in all, it was pretty good. I guess when they saw me leave they realized what they were doing (in front of my kids) so they stopped their childish arguing about things that happened 10 years ago!!!!
Today, my kids are going down to their grandmothers in Lake Placid and spending the night over their. So, it looks like I might have some time to "relax".
I'm here for you to if you need to talk - sorry again - I think I missed something - are you ba's wife?? My bad. Try to have a nice day today. I have to start digging out Christmas tree, etc. too. but will wait for the kids to return to put it up.
Love,
Marie
I'm so sorry your're Thanksgiving was "screwed up". Dont feel too bad - my brother got "trashed" and started arguing with my Dad (I had to take my kids and leave my OWN house for a little while because I was sooo aggrevated). I shouldve known better - I dont have what you would call the "normal" family. We are (well most) are either alcoholics or addicts - its in the genes. Well, all in all, it was pretty good. I guess when they saw me leave they realized what they were doing (in front of my kids) so they stopped their childish arguing about things that happened 10 years ago!!!!
Today, my kids are going down to their grandmothers in Lake Placid and spending the night over their. So, it looks like I might have some time to "relax".
I'm here for you to if you need to talk - sorry again - I think I missed something - are you ba's wife?? My bad. Try to have a nice day today. I have to start digging out Christmas tree, etc. too. but will wait for the kids to return to put it up.
Love,
Marie
Hi Marie,
Yes, I am bad attitude's wife......Lucky me.....yeah people that was sarcasm!
I got the stuff out of the attic and am going on with my plans for the day DECORATING. I know I won't be done until next week but I have to start to get it all up by Christmas. Thank god for the kids......the little one got into the clean laundry and had on my bra....one of the girls panties....somebodies socks.....She looked so funny however she did unfold everything! It should be fun trying to get anything done with her helping. I am sure as I put it up she will take it down. Going for 15 windows decorated and 1 tree up.....we do 2.....by Sunday then I still have the outside and the other tree. I know I will be busy!
Just talked to the hubby on the phone.....he will be home from work soon 1/2 day today.....Told him as I see it by midnight tonight it will be just the start of day 2, or we will be separated, or I will be a widow......Don't think he was to happy to hear my thoughts.
BTW Molly I am so glad you had a good Thanksgiving!
Yes, I am bad attitude's wife......Lucky me.....yeah people that was sarcasm!
I got the stuff out of the attic and am going on with my plans for the day DECORATING. I know I won't be done until next week but I have to start to get it all up by Christmas. Thank god for the kids......the little one got into the clean laundry and had on my bra....one of the girls panties....somebodies socks.....She looked so funny however she did unfold everything! It should be fun trying to get anything done with her helping. I am sure as I put it up she will take it down. Going for 15 windows decorated and 1 tree up.....we do 2.....by Sunday then I still have the outside and the other tree. I know I will be busy!
Just talked to the hubby on the phone.....he will be home from work soon 1/2 day today.....Told him as I see it by midnight tonight it will be just the start of day 2, or we will be separated, or I will be a widow......Don't think he was to happy to hear my thoughts.
BTW Molly I am so glad you had a good Thanksgiving!
Hi Mistey.I will keeping fingers crossed for you.So I take it the Christmas feeling kinda bit you huh?Thats nice but it sounds like your little on will be like a little elf helping .(at least trying to help)Did you manage to get a picture of her?It can be hard to get your work done but maybe she'll give you some comic relief.I hope things get better for both you and your hubby.take care...keep in touch....Mollyjean
Oh Marie....he called and screwed up my train of thought......sorry about the problems you had with yours too. It is good you left sometimes it takes a slamming door to get people's attention.
Molly yes I do have alot of comic relief.....and I won't let anything ruin Christmas it is my favorite holiday! Know none of you want to here this though need like 6 more things and all the kids are done. That even includes all the neices and nephews.....one less thing to worry about.
The tree is up time for the balls!
Tina
Yeah I got a picture..........
Molly yes I do have alot of comic relief.....and I won't let anything ruin Christmas it is my favorite holiday! Know none of you want to here this though need like 6 more things and all the kids are done. That even includes all the neices and nephews.....one less thing to worry about.
The tree is up time for the balls!
Tina
Yeah I got a picture..........
dear tina -
i'm saddened to hear of your husband's relapse. as an addict, i know relapse well. i also know how my addiction affected my entire family, yet this wasn't until after i got clean and started working a program of recovery.
i'm going to suggest to you a place that will help you more in dealing with what YOU are going through, more so than a board that has been established for addicts seeking recovery.
follow this link and join - i'm know you will find some support for you.
http://groups.msn.com/Alanon/_whatsnew.msnw
namaste'
sammy
i'm saddened to hear of your husband's relapse. as an addict, i know relapse well. i also know how my addiction affected my entire family, yet this wasn't until after i got clean and started working a program of recovery.
i'm going to suggest to you a place that will help you more in dealing with what YOU are going through, more so than a board that has been established for addicts seeking recovery.
follow this link and join - i'm know you will find some support for you.
http://groups.msn.com/Alanon/_whatsnew.msnw
namaste'
sammy
Sammy you are a sweet woman. Thank you for the link I am sure by the end of the day I will be joined and chatting. No people I will not leave here.....grown attached and I think I have something to offer most days....or atleast I hope I do!
Take Care,
Tina
Take Care,
Tina
misty,
i'm sorry that you guys are going throught this again. heroin, well i'm not sure what he was using before, but heroin has been the worse mental addiction i have ever experienced. i took me over a month to stop using completly. it controls your every thought and i'm sure he never intended to hurt you. cravings get so bad that you don't want to go on. the depression is horrible. i have fallen many times and understand where he is at. but i also understand your hurt and anger. you need to be honest with him, not fake happy. write a letter to him, pour your heart out. don't supress your anger it will only make it worse for you. i'm sure you'll be okay, and i hope he is able to beat this. good luck
raerae
have fun decorating!!
i'm sorry that you guys are going throught this again. heroin, well i'm not sure what he was using before, but heroin has been the worse mental addiction i have ever experienced. i took me over a month to stop using completly. it controls your every thought and i'm sure he never intended to hurt you. cravings get so bad that you don't want to go on. the depression is horrible. i have fallen many times and understand where he is at. but i also understand your hurt and anger. you need to be honest with him, not fake happy. write a letter to him, pour your heart out. don't supress your anger it will only make it worse for you. i'm sure you'll be okay, and i hope he is able to beat this. good luck
raerae
have fun decorating!!
RaeRae,
I am always honest and I tell it like it is atleast to him. You read what I posted to diff about her poem. I knew the painpills were bad.....but once he cut himself off I knew the only way back was h. Which really sucks big time.......
So for all of you out there who are having problems kicking these terrible pills remember that you always have to up the anti (more and more and more) an the last place when nothing else quite helps you function is Herion......Don't let yourself get to that point! (My tip for the day)
Take care and enjoy the day!
Tina
I am always honest and I tell it like it is atleast to him. You read what I posted to diff about her poem. I knew the painpills were bad.....but once he cut himself off I knew the only way back was h. Which really sucks big time.......
So for all of you out there who are having problems kicking these terrible pills remember that you always have to up the anti (more and more and more) an the last place when nothing else quite helps you function is Herion......Don't let yourself get to that point! (My tip for the day)
Take care and enjoy the day!
Tina
misty,
i'm glad you are able to be honest with him, i only wish he could do the same for you. i'm truely sorry you have to go down this road again. i hope everything works out.
raerae
i'm glad you are able to be honest with him, i only wish he could do the same for you. i'm truely sorry you have to go down this road again. i hope everything works out.
raerae
Hi, Tina-
Hope youre able to work things out with your hubby. I'll tell you one thing, consider yourself lucky that he's honest with you - mine never was, but we all find out the truth in the end anyway, dont we? I know this addiction is so friggin hard - it took me a long time even to become honest with myself, let alone anyone else. I did tons of pills - all the opiates I could get my hands on. Never did the H. Well, thats a lie - I did snort some twice - first time I puked my guts out - and second time, well, lets just say I liked it too much and thank God I really couldnt get my hands on it - it was from my ex's friends. Of course, they had strict orders to never give me anything. He wasnt into that or pills, his DOC was coke. He used to leave the house to "go get a pack of cigs" and show back up 3 days later, wired out.
Anyhow, hon, I wish both of you all the best. You take care - I dont want to read about any widows here tonight:o)
Love ya,
Marie
Hope youre able to work things out with your hubby. I'll tell you one thing, consider yourself lucky that he's honest with you - mine never was, but we all find out the truth in the end anyway, dont we? I know this addiction is so friggin hard - it took me a long time even to become honest with myself, let alone anyone else. I did tons of pills - all the opiates I could get my hands on. Never did the H. Well, thats a lie - I did snort some twice - first time I puked my guts out - and second time, well, lets just say I liked it too much and thank God I really couldnt get my hands on it - it was from my ex's friends. Of course, they had strict orders to never give me anything. He wasnt into that or pills, his DOC was coke. He used to leave the house to "go get a pack of cigs" and show back up 3 days later, wired out.
Anyhow, hon, I wish both of you all the best. You take care - I dont want to read about any widows here tonight:o)
Love ya,
Marie
Hey Marie,
Looks like for now we are back to day one. You know if he was a piece of s*** totally. He would have been out the first time around. He is really a good guy, who treats me and the kids well. If I could take the addiction away he would be the ideal man.....But alas only he can do anything about that. We went out for a while and talked somethings out. The one thing I have going for me is I know exactly when he use......because I know him. Atleast I have an ace in the hole....but I told him so now he knows my secret and why I have been up his a** about him using again. I just hate the lies.....don't lie to me....all he has to do was tell me he f***ed up when I questioned. Thats the one thing that bothers me the most.....
On another note, I took Sammy's advice and joined a group for the families of those addicted. I will check that out later, see if I fit in......Its I guess a one day at a time thing for me too.
Thanks for everything......
Tina
BTW I put that show on about the guy who wanted to be Jlo and I laughed so hard.....that was funny!
Looks like for now we are back to day one. You know if he was a piece of s*** totally. He would have been out the first time around. He is really a good guy, who treats me and the kids well. If I could take the addiction away he would be the ideal man.....But alas only he can do anything about that. We went out for a while and talked somethings out. The one thing I have going for me is I know exactly when he use......because I know him. Atleast I have an ace in the hole....but I told him so now he knows my secret and why I have been up his a** about him using again. I just hate the lies.....don't lie to me....all he has to do was tell me he f***ed up when I questioned. Thats the one thing that bothers me the most.....
On another note, I took Sammy's advice and joined a group for the families of those addicted. I will check that out later, see if I fit in......Its I guess a one day at a time thing for me too.
Thanks for everything......
Tina
BTW I put that show on about the guy who wanted to be Jlo and I laughed so hard.....that was funny!
Hi Tina:
Gosh, my heart broke when I read your post. You two are so great and I look forward to your funny and honest posts. I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to relapse. This is such a demoralizing disease and I think we feel like we are a piece of s##t and don't deserve a good life living clean. I also think we feel sorry for ourselves and act on our instant gratification impulse. I used painpills and stepped up to heroin and it's something I never thought I would do. I have to go to meetings. I have to be accountable. I have to talk to other addicts daily or I become a secret and fall back into using. I think this is a good wake up call. He's lucky he has you. You guys are in my prayers.
Rachel
Gosh, my heart broke when I read your post. You two are so great and I look forward to your funny and honest posts. I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to relapse. This is such a demoralizing disease and I think we feel like we are a piece of s##t and don't deserve a good life living clean. I also think we feel sorry for ourselves and act on our instant gratification impulse. I used painpills and stepped up to heroin and it's something I never thought I would do. I have to go to meetings. I have to be accountable. I have to talk to other addicts daily or I become a secret and fall back into using. I think this is a good wake up call. He's lucky he has you. You guys are in my prayers.
Rachel
