Ive just had a bad experience this afternoon.I havent really spent much time with my grandmother lately,ive been busy so has she,but we talk on the phone alot(shes 81 and still works full time with mentally handicapped people)I love her with all my heart,i really really do.Shes one of those types who would literally give the shirt off her back But she is also a VERY hard person to deal with.Shes VERY set in her ways.Very judgemental.Ive learned over the years to just deal with it,ignore it,whatvever it takes.This afternoon we spent 3 hours together.Shopping&lunch.Immediately shes criticizing me,"OH youre letting your hair grow?" i know she hates long hair so this is a jab? She asks me about my weight"looks like youve gaine da few"(OK)She is very visibly looking me up and down. I immediately start getting some defensive feelings,and hold myself back from making a comment i would later be sorry for. We go to lunch...as usual,she has no manners,the food tastes lousy,its not hot,no pleases or thank yous,basiclly just pushing the food in the waiters face to be taken away and replaced with some hot decent food.I found myself grabbing for my pocket book.It FLOORED me!!!My god i was grabbing frantically for my pills,just instinct(pills that i used to carry around with me wherever i went and no longer have).Needless to say,that scared me to death.
Since coming home and talking to my husband about it,im quite upset.Aparently ive used those pills to help me deal with her over the years,and i never ever realized it.Does that make her a trigger for me.Cuz it sure as hell seemed like it.Like i said,i love her with all my heart,its just very hard to deal with her through clear eyes.Knowing that frightens me.Do other people trigger you? Am i the only one,or do some of you have the same problem? And more importantly how do you deal with it now that youre clean? Im still shaking,i just dont know what to think.Do i now purposely try to avoind her to avoid these feelings? I know i cant do that,who knows how much longer she has on this earth.Im just lost,im not sure whats going on in my head,but i dont like the idea that she has that much power over my feelings and im floored to find out that she does.What an eye opening experience.Thanks for letting me share with you all!~KIM
Kim, I can so relate. My damn husband is a freaking trigger from the word GO. I don't know what I'm going to do about him.
Bless your heart. I really feel for you with the Grandmother thing. I'm really sorry, but I don't have any good advice for you on this one. Hope someone comes along really soon and gives you some good pointers.
Try to have a good evening. Take Care.
Bless your heart. I really feel for you with the Grandmother thing. I'm really sorry, but I don't have any good advice for you on this one. Hope someone comes along really soon and gives you some good pointers.
Try to have a good evening. Take Care.
J, my clients are a trigger. I do not have the patients I used to, period. I hear ya!
Kim when others constantly put you down after a while you actually begin to believe them just surround yoruself with postive people but take head at what your grandmother says at times she just may be right jaxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Kim
I'm sorry about what happened. Yes people can be triggers. They are for me. I try to stay away from them but this is your grandma were talking about so,,,,,
all I can say is with time it should get better. I found that as my relatives got older,,,aunts, uncles etc, they acted different and sometimes were just down right hard to get along with but, remember we're all getting older and it could be we may be harder to get along with soon. Soooooo, be nice.
Really it will be easier with time and I'm pretty sure soon you won't even think about grabbing for your purse. I hope you're feeling better now.
Frank
Thanks everyone,it is a tough situation.I love her,respect her and am good to her.as she is to me.And yes wackyjackie,she is a smart lady and knows alot,so alot of what she says is true.Soemtimes its the WAY she says things that just rub on me.But im also sure im not the most pleasant person to be with from time to time as well.Im just going to have to learn how to deal with it.I certainly dont want to pull away form her,i just didnt realize what a huge trigger she is for me.Im just going to have to take it slow,be more aware,and if i start losing patience with her,i'll just make up an excuse to go home,cut our time short,for now,until i can figure out what i need to do about it.It makes me very sad though.~KIM
Kim, I think that you answered your own question. Good Girl, well Gram. Sometimes it just helps to put it in writing for you to figure out what you already know.
Goodafternoon all.I havr found for me yes certain people I deeply care for CAN be triggers for me,I think for me alot depends on MY MOOD.If Im on the cranky side than someone who tries my patients will rub me even worse.Kim I feel bad because yes you love your grandmother,but if she were anyone else would you allow her to act like that?I know in my family I put up with alot more than I do from strangers.
I guess I should learn to type faster.Kim what you said sounds like thats what you may need to do.I gotta say though Im so proud that you realized this.You are understanding more how sneaky addiction can be that is such a positive sign...mj
Im sorry to hear it was a crappy time the way you talked about it before it sort of sounded like you were looking forwards to it so its a shame you couldnt enjoy yourself.
as far as avoiding her yes you could be without knowing it.by the way you desribe her I guess talking & explain wouldnt help if shes THAT set in her ways.But thats what I would try to do.Explain you enjoy spending time with her but when shes cranky it takes the joy out of it?Easy for me to say that sitting here I know but I dont know what else to say.....mj
I guess I should learn to type faster.Kim what you said sounds like thats what you may need to do.I gotta say though Im so proud that you realized this.You are understanding more how sneaky addiction can be that is such a positive sign...mj
Im sorry to hear it was a crappy time the way you talked about it before it sort of sounded like you were looking forwards to it so its a shame you couldnt enjoy yourself.
as far as avoiding her yes you could be without knowing it.by the way you desribe her I guess talking & explain wouldnt help if shes THAT set in her ways.But thats what I would try to do.Explain you enjoy spending time with her but when shes cranky it takes the joy out of it?Easy for me to say that sitting here I know but I dont know what else to say.....mj
Kim dont be sad hun try to be understanding of why you think she is a trigger? a trigger in my opinion is there if you want it t be, the strength of your trigger depends on your own strength to combat it. thats why i suggested you build your self esteem with people who will help you by being positive it will help you deal with the negative vibes from gran the more you grow in self esteem the Easier it will be to ignore the negaitive vibes from gran. jaxxxxxxxxxxx
J i have to go to bed now hun i am up early for work please think on what we have said here tonight with positivity. (((((((hugs))))))))
J i have to go to bed now hun i am up early for work please think on what we have said here tonight with positivity. (((((((hugs))))))))
People definatly can be triggers. I have not seen any of my trigger people since I quit almost 3 weeks ago. I don't think it will affect me while I'm on sub, but I wonder how I'll do when I'm off. I always took pills with my sister. I wonder what we will do, instead of pills, next time I see her?
Atlas thats a tricky one for you hun maybe change everything like go out shopping or something reduce the time spent with her for a while jaxxxxxxx
hi kim, my mother was just like that, vary negetive, with everthing,. it did not matter what you did, she has since past away 5 years ago, but before she past i had some good moments with her, i was in recovery then also and it tote me how to deal with her, as she was a big part, of my recovery i blamed her for every thing that happen in my life, becuse she was a alcolic, im suer i deed not spell that writ but i think you now what i mean. it wasent till she got realy sick, that i started to let her in my life, but im so glad i deed this befor she died, thanks karen.
Morning Kim,
If you can email me (if you are comfortable with that), I will tell you how I handled something very similiar to what you are talking about.
Brook
If you can email me (if you are comfortable with that), I will tell you how I handled something very similiar to what you are talking about.
Brook
Hi Kim
One thing I've learned is that I can't change other people so I have to change me and my attitude. Old people are grumpy, rude, out spoken and think they know everything. I accept that. I can smile and nod and walk away. Remember it is only HER opinion and is no more important than anyone else's. It's YOUR opinion of yourself that matters. She is just a grumpy old lady that loves you and thinks her way is best. Let her think it and go on with your life.
How did that meeting go? Did you get to go to it?
One thing I've learned is that I can't change other people so I have to change me and my attitude. Old people are grumpy, rude, out spoken and think they know everything. I accept that. I can smile and nod and walk away. Remember it is only HER opinion and is no more important than anyone else's. It's YOUR opinion of yourself that matters. She is just a grumpy old lady that loves you and thinks her way is best. Let her think it and go on with your life.
How did that meeting go? Did you get to go to it?
