Hi everyone,im still new here and have posted a few times.I read everyday,and its been a great help to me.I know when first starting to come off any kind of drugs(hydro in mycase) its very hard and we need support,but im beginning to believe the staying off(maintenace if you will) can be just as hard if not harder,and support is needed just as much.I've made it past the WD part,which was hard,no doubt.Now im back to living everyday life,trying to get things back in order,and slowly but surely its happening.
My question....last week i felt real good,i thought its all behind me now.Wrong!This weekend i felt so anxious,depressed,just very shaky.It took me by surprise.Today im feeling fine again? Has this happened to any of you? Can I expect these "down days"every once in awhile?Feeling like im going backward instead of forward?Thanks so much for all your advice,this is a scary road we're on,knowing you're not alone helps tremendously!~KIM
It happened to me, and probably alot of people. You're over the physical w/d's no doubt. Now your brain is trying to recover still, and that takes alot longer. You'll have days of feeling sad, or angry, then days where you feel great! Just ride out the bad ones, that is your brain getting better. You'll see in time, that there are less and less bad days! Good luck to ya, Kim
Yes, its going to happen. You are going to have good days and bad days, all you can do is ride them out and hope the next day will be better.
Do you go to meetings? What are you doing to stay clean?
Redd
if you research just on the board the number of times a person a new person in recover has gotten clean and has been warned ... it is harder to stay clean than to get clean... you would prolly find it numbered in the 100's .. that isnt just something we like to say to see it look good in type... it is the truth... that is why you need tools to deal with cravings... that is why NA/AA is soo important.. out side f2f is important telling your family and/or friends... cutting your tied or burning your bridges so when the cravings get so intense you have to really go to great lengths to get your sh** and maybe if enough time lapses between thinking and getting ... you will come to your senses or the craving will pass and you wont relapse...
but that is the truth and tell you something else.. it is a predictable thing.. the worse time for most addicts for relapse for some reason are the third week the one month... 3 months... 9 months.. one year... 3 years... 5 years.... these mile stones for some reason... stats show that relapses are some 33% higher... some people try to explain it but I really dont NEED an explaination all I need to know is to watch out and be vigulent....
just getting clean isnt recovery... it is a first step.. and a good one but that alone wont keep you clean....
best of luck..
Teresa
but that is the truth and tell you something else.. it is a predictable thing.. the worse time for most addicts for relapse for some reason are the third week the one month... 3 months... 9 months.. one year... 3 years... 5 years.... these mile stones for some reason... stats show that relapses are some 33% higher... some people try to explain it but I really dont NEED an explaination all I need to know is to watch out and be vigulent....
just getting clean isnt recovery... it is a first step.. and a good one but that alone wont keep you clean....
best of luck..
Teresa
Hence the term rollercoaster..... Remember way back when, when you were not using, did you have ups and downs than too? I did, therefore I cant attribute mine to getting clean..
Regards,
Tom
Regards,
Tom
oh course I did tom... I'm a woman...lol... but then it was just hormones... or some the men say... or PMS...lol.... now I have another exuse to use.... lol....
good morning.... hope you are well...
Teresa
good morning.... hope you are well...
Teresa
I agree, when I have PMS.... oh wait, I dont get that, I was/am the king of excuses... I would have tried that one if there was the sligtest chance of getting away with it.
I think life is the rollercoaster, its better to just hold you hands in the air and scream, then to close your eyes and wait till its over...if that makes any sense.
I am well, how are you today?
Best Regards,
Tom
I think life is the rollercoaster, its better to just hold you hands in the air and scream, then to close your eyes and wait till its over...if that makes any sense.
I am well, how are you today?
Best Regards,
Tom
Thanks so much for sharing all your experiences.I know for me right now,i need to get active.I have gotten quite lazy this past month.Which i really feel i needed,but its time to get myself motivated again.Too much time on my hands to "think" and sometimes thats not a good thing.
I still havent checked into any NA meetings and im not sure i will.Im such a private person,my husband calls me anti social but i just prefer my privacy.Im the oldest of 7 girls and we have plenty of social events among family,and that seems to be enough for me.Im not good around strangers,i just dont see myself in that setting.I have gottan alot of support from my family and that has made things so much easier for me.But im not totally dismissing the NA meetings,we'll see?
For right now,im just going to continue to take it day by day,and hope theres more good days than bad,again thanks for letting me know im not alone in these feelings,it seems to make it more bearable.~KIM
I still havent checked into any NA meetings and im not sure i will.Im such a private person,my husband calls me anti social but i just prefer my privacy.Im the oldest of 7 girls and we have plenty of social events among family,and that seems to be enough for me.Im not good around strangers,i just dont see myself in that setting.I have gottan alot of support from my family and that has made things so much easier for me.But im not totally dismissing the NA meetings,we'll see?
For right now,im just going to continue to take it day by day,and hope theres more good days than bad,again thanks for letting me know im not alone in these feelings,it seems to make it more bearable.~KIM
just two questions.... does your family know?..... have you told them... and if so ... are they getting educated about addiction?.....
and secondly... have you told your doctor and or pharmacies if that is how you were getting your supply?,, in other words burned your bridges...
the answers to these two questions will predict with pretty good accuracy the success of failure of your recovery v. relapse ... I dont mean to sound preachy but I have seen it soooo many times... privacy and being shy is common nobody looks forward or loves the idea of going to meetings at first and saying those words... or telling there families... its not like saying great news... im pregnant... now is it... but that being separate from will open the door for those craving to come in and take you away..... this is a disease and it is NOT ABOUT WILL POWER.. if tha is what you were thinking... it is not about control only..... that thinking alone will not bring you success.... I know most reading this that it pertains to wont listen and might get mad... I know I did... I had to learn the hard way... but I have to share it in hopes that just one wont and will take the advise and take the suggestions....
I hope this doesnt make you mad JJ... but it really is said in love.... and by the way you dont have to answer the questions out loud if you dont want to...
God Bless...
Teresa
and secondly... have you told your doctor and or pharmacies if that is how you were getting your supply?,, in other words burned your bridges...
the answers to these two questions will predict with pretty good accuracy the success of failure of your recovery v. relapse ... I dont mean to sound preachy but I have seen it soooo many times... privacy and being shy is common nobody looks forward or loves the idea of going to meetings at first and saying those words... or telling there families... its not like saying great news... im pregnant... now is it... but that being separate from will open the door for those craving to come in and take you away..... this is a disease and it is NOT ABOUT WILL POWER.. if tha is what you were thinking... it is not about control only..... that thinking alone will not bring you success.... I know most reading this that it pertains to wont listen and might get mad... I know I did... I had to learn the hard way... but I have to share it in hopes that just one wont and will take the advise and take the suggestions....
I hope this doesnt make you mad JJ... but it really is said in love.... and by the way you dont have to answer the questions out loud if you dont want to...
God Bless...
Teresa
Teresa,i appreciate your honesty,and its sounds like you know of what you speak.
To answer your questions,yes,my family knows.About a week prior to quitting i confessed to everybody,husband,children(3 sons..ages 24,22,18)parents and even my grandmother.I wanted everybody to know,i wanted to get it off my chest and i knew i was going to need their help and support.And being the loving family that they are,ive gotten all that and more,thankfully.
I went into a 3 day hospital detox,did the "loaded" suboxone treatment,and have been home and clean since.Once i got out of detox,i made an appointment with my family doctor,and told him everything(he has never prescribed the hydros for me,i was "stealing"them from my husbands script to start,then when he had his back surgery and he was feeling great he stopped getting them,so i turned to ordering online)which was my docs first question"how did you get them?"..anyway,everybody knows.... i wanted it completely out in the open.Im taken wellbutrin(which i took once for awlie about 15 years ago and it pulled me out of a funk and helped me quit smoking)so i figured it wouldhurt to take it for a few months to help me through this.
I totally agree,this is a disease,and im treatin it as such,but my willpower and determination are whats going to get me through this of that im sure 100%.
Neither my husband nor myself knew much about addiction of any sort before this,i have never been much of a drinker,and these are the first narcotics i have ever taken,which really grabbed a hold of me before i even knew it.Once i realised(about a year later)how it was progressing,at first i would take half a one a day for minor headaches,at the end i was taking about 12 a day(2 at a time)i knew i was in deep.I knew i was only going to up my usage because what i was taking was no longer "working" for me.Anyway,sorry to go off like this,but we have looked up all sorts of info on the internet and are trying to educate ourselves as much as we can,and i learned quite a bit in detox.
I know this is something im going to have to deal with the rest of my life,but...im the one who did this to myself,i wish i could say i had gotten addicted for a legitimate reason,but the truth is,i didnt,and im ashamed of that every single day.But things are getting better and i know that i will never go back to that living hell i was living,i was starting to get physically sick when taking them,i was constantly worried if i had enough to get me through each day,my pay check was going to feed my habit,ordering online is VERY expensive not to mention,getting very dangerous,they are really cracking down.So..in a nutshell,i knew it was time to stop.
I know if things get bad and i dont feel im getting the support i need,or i feel i need to talk f2f with others dealing with the same issues,iwont hesitate to go to a meeting,i really wont.I intend to do every thing i need to stay off these pills that had taken complete control of my life.
Teresa,thank you very much for you advice and insight.Believe me,im taking it ALL in!~KIM
To answer your questions,yes,my family knows.About a week prior to quitting i confessed to everybody,husband,children(3 sons..ages 24,22,18)parents and even my grandmother.I wanted everybody to know,i wanted to get it off my chest and i knew i was going to need their help and support.And being the loving family that they are,ive gotten all that and more,thankfully.
I went into a 3 day hospital detox,did the "loaded" suboxone treatment,and have been home and clean since.Once i got out of detox,i made an appointment with my family doctor,and told him everything(he has never prescribed the hydros for me,i was "stealing"them from my husbands script to start,then when he had his back surgery and he was feeling great he stopped getting them,so i turned to ordering online)which was my docs first question"how did you get them?"..anyway,everybody knows.... i wanted it completely out in the open.Im taken wellbutrin(which i took once for awlie about 15 years ago and it pulled me out of a funk and helped me quit smoking)so i figured it wouldhurt to take it for a few months to help me through this.
I totally agree,this is a disease,and im treatin it as such,but my willpower and determination are whats going to get me through this of that im sure 100%.
Neither my husband nor myself knew much about addiction of any sort before this,i have never been much of a drinker,and these are the first narcotics i have ever taken,which really grabbed a hold of me before i even knew it.Once i realised(about a year later)how it was progressing,at first i would take half a one a day for minor headaches,at the end i was taking about 12 a day(2 at a time)i knew i was in deep.I knew i was only going to up my usage because what i was taking was no longer "working" for me.Anyway,sorry to go off like this,but we have looked up all sorts of info on the internet and are trying to educate ourselves as much as we can,and i learned quite a bit in detox.
I know this is something im going to have to deal with the rest of my life,but...im the one who did this to myself,i wish i could say i had gotten addicted for a legitimate reason,but the truth is,i didnt,and im ashamed of that every single day.But things are getting better and i know that i will never go back to that living hell i was living,i was starting to get physically sick when taking them,i was constantly worried if i had enough to get me through each day,my pay check was going to feed my habit,ordering online is VERY expensive not to mention,getting very dangerous,they are really cracking down.So..in a nutshell,i knew it was time to stop.
I know if things get bad and i dont feel im getting the support i need,or i feel i need to talk f2f with others dealing with the same issues,iwont hesitate to go to a meeting,i really wont.I intend to do every thing i need to stay off these pills that had taken complete control of my life.
Teresa,thank you very much for you advice and insight.Believe me,im taking it ALL in!~KIM
kim,
The steps that you have taken thus far are huge and you should be commended... it takes most many many months if not years to do that if they ever do.... so congrats... I firmly believe that every negative situation can be turned into a possitive situation where good and wonderful things can come if handled with dignaty, courage and strength... I know people that have done just that.... and sounds like if continuing on that path you may just fall into that category.... I know how hard it is it do certain things so I hope you stay aware of your options and be vigilant of the pitfalls that have taken even the best of us back out if even for a short time....
Let me give you a little story... there was this girl I knew that was highly educated had a very good family beautiful daughter and a husband all and she found her self in jail... her family knew nothing of her addiction until she was in jail.... she made a promise that when she heard those door slam that she would never be there again... never be in that obsessive thinking.. the paranoid behavior risking her family.. her dignaty to a pill ever again if given a chance to make it right that she was 'stronger than this crap'.... well she got out and given a chance.... but she never went to meetings... never went to counseling.... and though the memories of lying in that cell were powerful images and the smells and the fear and also the obsessive thinking of the disease plus the hurt in her families faces... you would think after all that a person would never want to go back to a pill ( not to mention that she was gotten out on a 120,000.00 bond that her family could have lost..if she relapsed..) so she just knew that she would never let her self get go back to that.... welll guess what... with all her might and will power... which was alot this was a girl that put her self through two colleges while working full time... she did relapse and go back to jail.... luckly her family didnt lose there homes and cars... but she did lose her home and husband.... so this is a powerful disease..... she simply did have the tools to fight it... she thought she could do it alone that she was strong enough... not so.....
just wanted to share that with you..... I wish you all the luck in the world... and yes I do only say those things to help and out of love....
God Bless....
Teresa
oh btw.... that 'girl' was me five years this coming june.... been clean ever since that relapse when i gave up and started going to meetings and knowing that my power alone cant keep me clean... it takes Gods will and through Him and He works via NA and places like this board too....
The steps that you have taken thus far are huge and you should be commended... it takes most many many months if not years to do that if they ever do.... so congrats... I firmly believe that every negative situation can be turned into a possitive situation where good and wonderful things can come if handled with dignaty, courage and strength... I know people that have done just that.... and sounds like if continuing on that path you may just fall into that category.... I know how hard it is it do certain things so I hope you stay aware of your options and be vigilant of the pitfalls that have taken even the best of us back out if even for a short time....
Let me give you a little story... there was this girl I knew that was highly educated had a very good family beautiful daughter and a husband all and she found her self in jail... her family knew nothing of her addiction until she was in jail.... she made a promise that when she heard those door slam that she would never be there again... never be in that obsessive thinking.. the paranoid behavior risking her family.. her dignaty to a pill ever again if given a chance to make it right that she was 'stronger than this crap'.... well she got out and given a chance.... but she never went to meetings... never went to counseling.... and though the memories of lying in that cell were powerful images and the smells and the fear and also the obsessive thinking of the disease plus the hurt in her families faces... you would think after all that a person would never want to go back to a pill ( not to mention that she was gotten out on a 120,000.00 bond that her family could have lost..if she relapsed..) so she just knew that she would never let her self get go back to that.... welll guess what... with all her might and will power... which was alot this was a girl that put her self through two colleges while working full time... she did relapse and go back to jail.... luckly her family didnt lose there homes and cars... but she did lose her home and husband.... so this is a powerful disease..... she simply did have the tools to fight it... she thought she could do it alone that she was strong enough... not so.....
just wanted to share that with you..... I wish you all the luck in the world... and yes I do only say those things to help and out of love....
God Bless....
Teresa
oh btw.... that 'girl' was me five years this coming june.... been clean ever since that relapse when i gave up and started going to meetings and knowing that my power alone cant keep me clean... it takes Gods will and through Him and He works via NA and places like this board too....
Teresa,thank you so much for that.I appreciate your honesty and willingness to open up to me,a total stranger to open my eyes.To be honest,you've scared me to death.But...you have opened my eyes,completely.What an amazing journey you've had.You must be so proud to have gotten through this.I hope life is treating you well after all you've been through.
I do know how powerful this disease is,but for the most part,i havent had any cravings for the hydro's,is that normal or is it too soon for that?Should i be expecting them down the road?See how naive i am?The first 4 weeks were pure he** for me,ive been feeling great this past week,this weekend i was a little down but today im fine again.It's the unkown that scares me,just the thought of getting some strong cravings,possibly some i cant control,scares me.But..i would rather know what to expect then go into it blind.I so appreciate your taking the time to help me through this.Thank you~KIM
I do know how powerful this disease is,but for the most part,i havent had any cravings for the hydro's,is that normal or is it too soon for that?Should i be expecting them down the road?See how naive i am?The first 4 weeks were pure he** for me,ive been feeling great this past week,this weekend i was a little down but today im fine again.It's the unkown that scares me,just the thought of getting some strong cravings,possibly some i cant control,scares me.But..i would rather know what to expect then go into it blind.I so appreciate your taking the time to help me through this.Thank you~KIM
kim;
yes for the most part life is treating me wonderfully... you know someday we are never satisfied but looking back ...man my life is great.... thanks....
as for the cravings .. it is hard to say... for some they are predictable cause it is predictable as to why we took them.... i never liked being in my skin so family funcitions were my biggest thing.... and having a little extra energy was nice... but it is hard to say... i still get triggered is I see pill bottles in a house of a neighbor sitting on kitchen counter.... ( I dont go into strange bathrooms cause for me those are sticky places.. I try to avoid them) and its been a long time clean... so it is just a personalized thing... sometimes they come out of the clear blue... (which really used to pi** me off lol.. but most of the time I just let it go now..) I have found that if a person has a loving family but not smothering ... they usually do well with the craving thing for awhile until the newness or the honeymoon of recovery wears off... then once that wears off.... the advantages of the family support v. the rest of us wane and the playing field evens out some....
hope this makes sense....lol
and as far as opening up.... that is what I do....If my misery from that part of my life and my addiction can help one person and the addiction of today feel not so alone and scared... and also not make the same mistakes that I made than maybe my misery wasnt all just misery wasted.... bad to something good....
God Bless
Teresa
yes for the most part life is treating me wonderfully... you know someday we are never satisfied but looking back ...man my life is great.... thanks....
as for the cravings .. it is hard to say... for some they are predictable cause it is predictable as to why we took them.... i never liked being in my skin so family funcitions were my biggest thing.... and having a little extra energy was nice... but it is hard to say... i still get triggered is I see pill bottles in a house of a neighbor sitting on kitchen counter.... ( I dont go into strange bathrooms cause for me those are sticky places.. I try to avoid them) and its been a long time clean... so it is just a personalized thing... sometimes they come out of the clear blue... (which really used to pi** me off lol.. but most of the time I just let it go now..) I have found that if a person has a loving family but not smothering ... they usually do well with the craving thing for awhile until the newness or the honeymoon of recovery wears off... then once that wears off.... the advantages of the family support v. the rest of us wane and the playing field evens out some....
hope this makes sense....lol
and as far as opening up.... that is what I do....If my misery from that part of my life and my addiction can help one person and the addiction of today feel not so alone and scared... and also not make the same mistakes that I made than maybe my misery wasnt all just misery wasted.... bad to something good....
God Bless
Teresa
As far as cravings go,i say i dont really have them,but,like the situations you talked about..i do have times when i think about the pills,the feeling i got from them,at times when i always used to take them.I had this ritual almost,2 in the mornin,then at breaks and lunch at work,at night after dinner & shower(to relax)...when i would go to functions,grocery shopping,etc...now when i do all these things i knid of associate it with the pills,thoughts like"normally i would be taking a couple pills right now"then a twinge of how it used to feel.Is that cravings? Or just habit? Its very fleeting,doesnt last long,its there then gone,im not obsessing about them but i do "recall" the times i took them.~KIM
