What exactly does this mean... ??
Thanks
Izzy
I won't give you a definition but will give you personal examples:
Putting another person's needs/wants before my own;
Feeling like I gotta say whatever it is I think you want to hear so you will like me;
Giving you money I don't have;
not being honest about my beliefs, thoughts, feelings because if I do, you won't accept me;
Letting someone else's bad mood rub off on me;
allowing my attitude to be dictated whether you call or text me;
Taking things personally;
If you are in a bad mood, then it is my job to make jokes until you are laughing too;
Making excuses for another's behaviors;
Not standing up for myself;
Writing down a co-workers time she comes and goes...just to make sure she is recording her time properly. LOL. Just did this Monday!!!
Saying I like that musical artist when I really don't;
Craving a steak from the local steak house but when asked what I want to eat, saying, "whatever you want".
Not going to the doctor when I need it...
Not wanting someone to succeed so I can still falsely think, "I am better than you".
Gosh, I could go on and on. I am terribly co-dependent. For me, co-dependency and alcoholism are co-morbid (co-exist).
Thanks for asking the question. Hope you found these examples helpful in defining what co-dependency is.
Putting another person's needs/wants before my own;
Feeling like I gotta say whatever it is I think you want to hear so you will like me;
Giving you money I don't have;
not being honest about my beliefs, thoughts, feelings because if I do, you won't accept me;
Letting someone else's bad mood rub off on me;
allowing my attitude to be dictated whether you call or text me;
Taking things personally;
If you are in a bad mood, then it is my job to make jokes until you are laughing too;
Making excuses for another's behaviors;
Not standing up for myself;
Writing down a co-workers time she comes and goes...just to make sure she is recording her time properly. LOL. Just did this Monday!!!
Saying I like that musical artist when I really don't;
Craving a steak from the local steak house but when asked what I want to eat, saying, "whatever you want".
Not going to the doctor when I need it...
Not wanting someone to succeed so I can still falsely think, "I am better than you".
Gosh, I could go on and on. I am terribly co-dependent. For me, co-dependency and alcoholism are co-morbid (co-exist).
Thanks for asking the question. Hope you found these examples helpful in defining what co-dependency is.
Thanks.
I can say for certain I am codependant...
Izzy
Hey Zipper, thanks for your examples. I really relate to almost all of them.
I can say for certain I am codependant...
Izzy
Hey Zipper, thanks for your examples. I really relate to almost all of them.
Hi Izzy,
When I got clean & sober, I learned not only about this disease but I also was taught about co-dependancy and I was able to see how I am co-dependent. I copied a post the Cynical One had posted on the families/friends board to maybe help you understand some.
Just Exactly What is Codependence?
By Dr. Irene Matiatos
Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They always smile, never refuse to do a favor. They are happy and bubbly all the time. They understand others and have the ability to make people feel good. People like them!
So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the giving is one-sided and so excessive that it hurts the giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs of codependence.
Partners who go out of their way for each other are interdependent. Only relatively healthy people are capable of interdependent relationships, which involve give and take. Interdependency also implies that you do not have to give until it hurts. By comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the taking, almost all of the time.
By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of entitlement. Giving allows them to feel useful and justifies their existence. Rather than simply approving of themselves, codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by winning their partners approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem, codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. One must feel deserving and entitled in order to accept what is offered.
Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. It hurts. These individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and especially guilt, as well as other painful thoughts and feelings. They judge themselves using far stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance of others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior, they are very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of others.
Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when they shouldn't, and don't get angry when they should. They have little contact with their inner world and thus very little idea about how they feel. Usually, they don't want to know because it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on the surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal with the stuff going on inside.
If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional starvation. They are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do not meet their own needs!
They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships that are not fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body. Being alone is perceived as scary, empty, depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their emotional supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with their inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.
These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to rationalize a loved one's disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He doesn't mean it." "It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do." "She had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.
The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and "understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care taking, they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!
Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming. Having grown up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent person is trained to care for others. Having grown up in a difficult environment, a negative emotional climate is experienced as normal and familiar. This is why there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is angry or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they did something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their partner's responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others respectfully. It does not occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to stop another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can stop disrespect when misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is normal.
An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness to ignore, excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or disrespect, enables the misbehavior directed at them to continue and intensify. Implicit or explicit permission to continue misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner "understands."
Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot stand it when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As such, they unwittingly place themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. The more approval is needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the extent of their self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts ("Ouchhh!"), and creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem, in a vicious, downward spiral.
While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, as it should, codependent people do not realize how angry they are and at whom they are angry! Targeting the appropriate person may jeopardize a source of approval and self-esteem. To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their "over-sensitivity." They justify the other person's behavior by thinking they must deserve the treatment they are getting. This is preferable to facing the possibility that an individual who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.
Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention. However, if the source of anger is not articulated, how can it be fixed? Codependent people are expert at denying anger and turning it against the self - into sadness and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are putting up with (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how they could have behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable reaction from their partner!
Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed inappropriately. Anger may be experienced as resentment, expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or in passive-aggressive acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to appropriately assert oneself are lacking.
Since codependent people are experts at controlling other people's thoughts, feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that others don't reciprocate and "know" what they need. "If they really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since codependents do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want, they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is often a roundabout hint. If their partner cannot decipher the request, they feel hurt and unloved. They believe they conveyed their desires, when, in fact, they have not!
Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are very responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time. Even parts of the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are neglectful or slow. They try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are completed job tasks or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.
However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, in select or diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't feel the need to take care of some of their own basic needs, especially if there is another person to care for instead. Why spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs, when the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable to be out avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for a partner, or self-medicating feelings.
Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much, shop too much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great way to avoid knowing yourself and dealing with your feelings. Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior requires familiarity and comfort with one's internal world. Since the codependent person regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing, dangerous, or otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.
Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial. Unfortunately, superficial relationships are safe...but empty and unfulfilling.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. They control by avoiding intimacy or by clouding the mind. They control by advising others on what to do. These individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody. Yet, they neglect the one person they do have control over: themselves.
When I got clean & sober, I learned not only about this disease but I also was taught about co-dependancy and I was able to see how I am co-dependent. I copied a post the Cynical One had posted on the families/friends board to maybe help you understand some.
Just Exactly What is Codependence?
By Dr. Irene Matiatos
Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They always smile, never refuse to do a favor. They are happy and bubbly all the time. They understand others and have the ability to make people feel good. People like them!
So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the giving is one-sided and so excessive that it hurts the giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs of codependence.
Partners who go out of their way for each other are interdependent. Only relatively healthy people are capable of interdependent relationships, which involve give and take. Interdependency also implies that you do not have to give until it hurts. By comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the taking, almost all of the time.
By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of entitlement. Giving allows them to feel useful and justifies their existence. Rather than simply approving of themselves, codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by winning their partners approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem, codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. One must feel deserving and entitled in order to accept what is offered.
Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. It hurts. These individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and especially guilt, as well as other painful thoughts and feelings. They judge themselves using far stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance of others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior, they are very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of others.
Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when they shouldn't, and don't get angry when they should. They have little contact with their inner world and thus very little idea about how they feel. Usually, they don't want to know because it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on the surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal with the stuff going on inside.
If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional starvation. They are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do not meet their own needs!
They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships that are not fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body. Being alone is perceived as scary, empty, depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their emotional supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with their inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.
These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to rationalize a loved one's disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He doesn't mean it." "It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do." "She had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.
The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and "understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care taking, they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!
Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming. Having grown up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent person is trained to care for others. Having grown up in a difficult environment, a negative emotional climate is experienced as normal and familiar. This is why there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is angry or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they did something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their partner's responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others respectfully. It does not occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to stop another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can stop disrespect when misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is normal.
An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness to ignore, excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or disrespect, enables the misbehavior directed at them to continue and intensify. Implicit or explicit permission to continue misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner "understands."
Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot stand it when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As such, they unwittingly place themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. The more approval is needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the extent of their self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts ("Ouchhh!"), and creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem, in a vicious, downward spiral.
While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, as it should, codependent people do not realize how angry they are and at whom they are angry! Targeting the appropriate person may jeopardize a source of approval and self-esteem. To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their "over-sensitivity." They justify the other person's behavior by thinking they must deserve the treatment they are getting. This is preferable to facing the possibility that an individual who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.
Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention. However, if the source of anger is not articulated, how can it be fixed? Codependent people are expert at denying anger and turning it against the self - into sadness and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are putting up with (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how they could have behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable reaction from their partner!
Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed inappropriately. Anger may be experienced as resentment, expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or in passive-aggressive acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to appropriately assert oneself are lacking.
Since codependent people are experts at controlling other people's thoughts, feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that others don't reciprocate and "know" what they need. "If they really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since codependents do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want, they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is often a roundabout hint. If their partner cannot decipher the request, they feel hurt and unloved. They believe they conveyed their desires, when, in fact, they have not!
Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are very responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time. Even parts of the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are neglectful or slow. They try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are completed job tasks or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.
However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, in select or diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't feel the need to take care of some of their own basic needs, especially if there is another person to care for instead. Why spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs, when the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable to be out avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for a partner, or self-medicating feelings.
Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much, shop too much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great way to avoid knowing yourself and dealing with your feelings. Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior requires familiarity and comfort with one's internal world. Since the codependent person regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing, dangerous, or otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.
Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial. Unfortunately, superficial relationships are safe...but empty and unfulfilling.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. They control by avoiding intimacy or by clouding the mind. They control by advising others on what to do. These individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody. Yet, they neglect the one person they do have control over: themselves.
excerpted from
Coping with Codependency by Kay Marie Porterfield
The opposite side of giving control over our lives to other people is trying to control their lives. If we do not respect our boundaries, we cannot respect theirs. We codependents may not punch people or or even threaten to; we're much too nice for that. We may not call people names, but we are experts at bossiness. We always know what the people around us should be thinking and what they ought to be doing. When we don't tell them outright, we find ways to manipulate them into being the way we want them to be.
We don't do this because we are bad people. We are insecure people. Controlling others makes us feel wanted and needed. Trying to control others was a way we learned to survive in our dysfunctional families.
Some of the manipulation tactics codependents use are:
People-pleasing. When we tell people what we think they want to hear no matter what we are really thinking and feeling, we are trying to manipulate them into liking us. We pretend to be what we are not in order to avoid conflict and prevent people from rejecting or leaving us.
Being instantly intimate. Sometimes codependents crave closeness so much that we overwhelm people by crashing through their boundaries. We try to spend every minute we can with them. We share our problems with then, whether they want to listen or not. We demand absolute loyalty.
Caretaking. We confuse caring about people with taking care of them. Often we try to help people when they neither want nor need our help. Other times we may hook up with people who really do need help and we give so much of it that we keep them dependent on us.
Fixing. After a while, simply taking care of people and trying to meet their needs isn't enough. We go a step further in invading their boundaries by trying to change or fix them. Some of us become part-time counselors. Others are reformers. We are experts at nagging, pleading, cajoling, and whining. When people complain, we tell them that we are doing it for their own good.
Playing guilt games. Instead of owning up to the anger we feel when our manipulations fail to work, codependents walk around feeling hurt and sad. We usually make certain the people around us know how bad they have made us feel and try to make them feel guilty for hurting or disappointing us.
Coping with Codependency by Kay Marie Porterfield
The opposite side of giving control over our lives to other people is trying to control their lives. If we do not respect our boundaries, we cannot respect theirs. We codependents may not punch people or or even threaten to; we're much too nice for that. We may not call people names, but we are experts at bossiness. We always know what the people around us should be thinking and what they ought to be doing. When we don't tell them outright, we find ways to manipulate them into being the way we want them to be.
We don't do this because we are bad people. We are insecure people. Controlling others makes us feel wanted and needed. Trying to control others was a way we learned to survive in our dysfunctional families.
Some of the manipulation tactics codependents use are:
People-pleasing. When we tell people what we think they want to hear no matter what we are really thinking and feeling, we are trying to manipulate them into liking us. We pretend to be what we are not in order to avoid conflict and prevent people from rejecting or leaving us.
Being instantly intimate. Sometimes codependents crave closeness so much that we overwhelm people by crashing through their boundaries. We try to spend every minute we can with them. We share our problems with then, whether they want to listen or not. We demand absolute loyalty.
Caretaking. We confuse caring about people with taking care of them. Often we try to help people when they neither want nor need our help. Other times we may hook up with people who really do need help and we give so much of it that we keep them dependent on us.
Fixing. After a while, simply taking care of people and trying to meet their needs isn't enough. We go a step further in invading their boundaries by trying to change or fix them. Some of us become part-time counselors. Others are reformers. We are experts at nagging, pleading, cajoling, and whining. When people complain, we tell them that we are doing it for their own good.
Playing guilt games. Instead of owning up to the anger we feel when our manipulations fail to work, codependents walk around feeling hurt and sad. We usually make certain the people around us know how bad they have made us feel and try to make them feel guilty for hurting or disappointing us.
Loving Without Leaning
The leaning of codependency is depending on something apart from us to provide a sense of wellbeing.
When we rely on an outside source for happiness, we create tension and stress in our mind and body; we can never be sure we are going to get what we need to make us feel complete.
To return to our state of feeling harmonious in our mind and body means we must provide our own happiness, internally and externally; not be dependent on another person or source to make us happy.
Here is an excerpt from The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr (1926), recited at the CoDA meetings
Serenity Prayer
"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
The leaning of codependency is depending on something apart from us to provide a sense of wellbeing.
When we rely on an outside source for happiness, we create tension and stress in our mind and body; we can never be sure we are going to get what we need to make us feel complete.
To return to our state of feeling harmonious in our mind and body means we must provide our own happiness, internally and externally; not be dependent on another person or source to make us happy.
Here is an excerpt from The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr (1926), recited at the CoDA meetings
Serenity Prayer
"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
Codependency - Feeling Empathy
Empathy broadens our range of feelings by letting us feel what another is going through.
We then have the choice to do a caring deed without expectation of personal reward. We have a chance to feel good about ourselves for just being kind.
Feeling and giving empathy lets us experience we are part of a big world family. In empathy we are more likely to act for another as we would like to be treated ourselves.
Prayer to Develop Empathy
Lord, may I feel what another is going through
While remaining peaceful
Then reflecting and acting on a useful resolve
With no expectation for reward.
Hi Izzy,
A lot of people I meet at Al-anon - which is for the relatives and friends of alcoholics are codependent...it gets trained in...and the programme there is designed to help us work 12 steps that will address the underlying personality issues.....it's the same old missing "self" issues Izzy...it's just a different coping mechanism....eg while I'm being the hero looking after my ex, my kids, my friend or whatever I'm making sure I haven't got time to look at the big question mark at the centre of my existence.....
The nasty wrinkle that for me defines a particular behaviour as co-dependent is that it unconsciously aims to keep the other party in the relationship unwell.....if I'm truly suffering from co-dependency and cannot function without someone to care for, I might unconsciously sabotage their efforts to recover.....cos if there's no-one left to "help"...I'd be left with only myself....which might be a terrifying prospect... that seems to be the crux of the pathological behaviour.
IF, on the other hand, in full consciousness and as an act of love I put the needs of my very ill alcoholic partner above my own for nine years that isn't necessarily being co-dependent, that might be being a wonderful and loving partner. The key issue is genuine awareness and free choice, and accepting the price I'll pay and not expecting any payback....although it would only be human to expect a thank you now and again...which is probably co-dependent...lol..IF I'm actually enabling her drinking then I'm definitely being co-dependent, and possibly at some unconscious level hoping to keep her by keeping her ill...
I doubt many of us know the price we'll be asked to pay for trying to be that wonderful, loving partner....haven't met anyone yet who has managed it...
However, Jesus put others first, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Most of the people we call Saints, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, and don't forget "Ask not what your country does for you..." and America above all honours its military, where self-sacrifice and putting others first is a given and rightly honoured....it seems to me that theres a tendency in some quarters to call all acts of sacrifice co-dependency. I think it's so some people don't feel so selfish and can justify their own lack of generousity by calling others ill! lol...
In fact I don't think there's a validated test for "co-dependency" and it's not in the DSM, so it's not a recognised medical or psychological condition and it doesn't really mean much or help anyone to call oneself "a codependent".....it probably makes sense to think about what behaviours were adopting and reflect hard on our underlying motivations. Otherwise, as ever, there's a danger of throwing the kindness that makes a decent person out with the presumed addictive behaviour.
A lot of people I meet at Al-anon - which is for the relatives and friends of alcoholics are codependent...it gets trained in...and the programme there is designed to help us work 12 steps that will address the underlying personality issues.....it's the same old missing "self" issues Izzy...it's just a different coping mechanism....eg while I'm being the hero looking after my ex, my kids, my friend or whatever I'm making sure I haven't got time to look at the big question mark at the centre of my existence.....
The nasty wrinkle that for me defines a particular behaviour as co-dependent is that it unconsciously aims to keep the other party in the relationship unwell.....if I'm truly suffering from co-dependency and cannot function without someone to care for, I might unconsciously sabotage their efforts to recover.....cos if there's no-one left to "help"...I'd be left with only myself....which might be a terrifying prospect... that seems to be the crux of the pathological behaviour.
IF, on the other hand, in full consciousness and as an act of love I put the needs of my very ill alcoholic partner above my own for nine years that isn't necessarily being co-dependent, that might be being a wonderful and loving partner. The key issue is genuine awareness and free choice, and accepting the price I'll pay and not expecting any payback....although it would only be human to expect a thank you now and again...which is probably co-dependent...lol..IF I'm actually enabling her drinking then I'm definitely being co-dependent, and possibly at some unconscious level hoping to keep her by keeping her ill...
I doubt many of us know the price we'll be asked to pay for trying to be that wonderful, loving partner....haven't met anyone yet who has managed it...
However, Jesus put others first, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Most of the people we call Saints, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, and don't forget "Ask not what your country does for you..." and America above all honours its military, where self-sacrifice and putting others first is a given and rightly honoured....it seems to me that theres a tendency in some quarters to call all acts of sacrifice co-dependency. I think it's so some people don't feel so selfish and can justify their own lack of generousity by calling others ill! lol...
In fact I don't think there's a validated test for "co-dependency" and it's not in the DSM, so it's not a recognised medical or psychological condition and it doesn't really mean much or help anyone to call oneself "a codependent".....it probably makes sense to think about what behaviours were adopting and reflect hard on our underlying motivations. Otherwise, as ever, there's a danger of throwing the kindness that makes a decent person out with the presumed addictive behaviour.
I copied and pasted this info in case it might be helpful. I think everyone is co-dependent in some way. Sometimes it's not healthy. I raise my hand. I'm co-dependent to. I also am willing to love and give. I've learned to set boundries. I don't have all the answers, but I'm willing and open to learn.
Wheres my bumper sticker: If only I was born old and could grow young.
Wheres my bumper sticker: If only I was born old and could grow young.
I think codependant is when you need the fulfillment you recieve by mitigating the effects of someone elses dysfunctional behaviour. This means that you have a need for someone else to be (remain) dysfunctional.
Cookster
Cookster
Thanks everyone. I'm finding it hard to get my head around all the jargon, Cookster you summed up perfectly what I thought was meant.
Izzy
Izzy
It's about looking outside ourselves for the validation we should find within. I'm currently reading "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and finding it really helpful...I recommend it...
Maddy x
Maddy x
I just started reading a book by Melodie Beattie (sp?) about codependency. Gosh, I am just realizing that I have never taken care of myself...yes, I take care of myself by keeping up with hygiene, exercise, eating...but never I have never really learned to love and care for Lisa.
Hi Zip,
Codependent No More is an awesome book. It helped me alot!
Have a great day pal.
Codependent No More is an awesome book. It helped me alot!
Have a great day pal.
