Hi everyone. I thought I'd start a new thread to say thanks for all your concern for me.
I'm feeling a lot better today, I even phoned my friend who bred my dog to see how she was. She's to start a new lot of Chemotherapy next week, I feel so bad for her and here's little me making my own problems for myself. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of my behaviour, but I know I have a problem. And I know I have a good friend in her. I treat her to cream cakes when I go to see her and she loves that, and I take my dog to see her too. One thing I am proud of and pleased with myself about is that he is the one puppy she has sold that she never worries about. She knows he means the world to me.
I have been getting obsessive again. I pick and pick at an insignificant thing that is really of no consequence until it descends into a full scale argument. At the time I feel really passionate about what I'm saying but then I look back on it and think why the hell did you do that, you're a fool!
I did get quite upset with my mum and our Minister the other day. They are quite close and he gives her books as gifts etc. She goes all funny around him like he's this big know it all man who is superior to her in every way. I just treat him the same as I would anyone, with respect but I'm still myself. Anyway, he sent me an email containing his sermon for Sunday which he'd asked my mum to look over and comment on. I felt this was highly inappropriate, it's getting too informal and I had a right go at her. I feel he's too 'familiar' with her and she with him. I don't think for one second there is anything going on but at times when my head goes crazy I have accused her of things...
I just get really uncomfortable watching her behave the way she does with him. Does this seem stupid? I'm really not sure of myself at all, it's so confusing and the fact she uses the word 'chemistry' to describe their rapport with each other does nothing to rest my mind. In my 'culture' you have chemistry with someone you go to bed with. Period.
I'd just like another viewpoint on it...
As for AA I'm seriously thinking about it. I'm going to see my alcohol counsellor for the last time in a few weeks so I'm going to get all the information from her. There are various options that I know of already so I'm taking my time.
Also, Valarie if you read this, let me know what you think of the book I recommended for you when you've got it read. I'm always interested in talking about books!
I hope everyone has had a good weekend.
Best Wishes,
Izzy
Gidday Izzy
These are just things that come to mind, just thinking and asking aloud for you to read and think on or disregard if i am off track:)
Are you jealous of your mum and the minister and there closeness?
Do you wish you and youre mum were that close?
Are you threatened because he is a religeous man and you are struggling with the God factor?
I dont know all the circumstances about the minister and i can be clouded by past experiences of my own to do with a pervert priest but that said have you just sat and asked youre mum what she likes about the man and there rapport, listen to her answers and pause, also tell her that you arent quizzing her for an argument just understanding.
Maybe they are just two people who see the need in confirmation of each other as they share there bond of acceptance and in each others company they can be themselves
Did you read the sermon? and was it sent for many reasons? all good.
See if i allow my mind to go with all the scenarios they are endless and the best thing is just to ask and be prepared to listen
light and love Zac
These are just things that come to mind, just thinking and asking aloud for you to read and think on or disregard if i am off track:)
Are you jealous of your mum and the minister and there closeness?
Do you wish you and youre mum were that close?
Are you threatened because he is a religeous man and you are struggling with the God factor?
I dont know all the circumstances about the minister and i can be clouded by past experiences of my own to do with a pervert priest but that said have you just sat and asked youre mum what she likes about the man and there rapport, listen to her answers and pause, also tell her that you arent quizzing her for an argument just understanding.
Maybe they are just two people who see the need in confirmation of each other as they share there bond of acceptance and in each others company they can be themselves
Did you read the sermon? and was it sent for many reasons? all good.
See if i allow my mind to go with all the scenarios they are endless and the best thing is just to ask and be prepared to listen
light and love Zac
Hi Izzy,
You know I think your strength is astonishing. You are coping so well with so much. I think zac asked some very interesting questions. One thing I realise now that I didn't realise when I was living with someone who uses alcohol as a way of coping with life is that I became more and more bossy as my life was spinning out of control. It felt like I had no control over anything at all in my life and so I'd pick up on something, anything, to express all the FEAR, frustration and anger that was building up....it felt like I couldn't even TALK about the thing that was frightening me - her drinking - in case it all exploded into a huge row and the family broke up....so instead I had a zillion other issues I could get irritable about....my radar was on red alert....and another guess is that I was much more irritable than I would normally have been because I was drinking on a pretty regular basis....and do you know, possibly that's also what some part of me was REALLY afraid of?
At Al-anon I started to learn that a lot of the things I got involved with, worried about, judged and tried to control were actually NOTHING to do with me.....and I think now this is partly because I had a very bad idea of where I ended and others began...what therapists call boundaries....
My mum and dad intefered in everything about me when I was little....they told me what I thought, what I felt and what I wanted.....I didn't have an identity of my own...it wasn't allowed....I think I created subselves to cope....very repressed....one of which is very immature and has a very rigid idea that EVERYONE should do the right thing....almost as if I was compensating for the fact that at the time I had NO power and everyone wasdoing the wrong thing to me?
Boy, overcomplicated I guess, but I can relate to what I've read about Borderline issues....maybe the reason I'm so tough outside is because I'm so fragile inside, maybe the reason my rules (moral and otherwise) can be so rigid is because I didn't FEEL I really had any....and maybe that's why I try to impose them on people who, in the end, have the absolute right to do what they want with THEIR lives....
Just as we do, Izzy, just as we do....maybe I just have to do a bit more work to get in touch with my real self so that I know what that is....lol...with your help Izzy, I'm getting there.
Take good care of your Self.....
Love,
Martin
You know I think your strength is astonishing. You are coping so well with so much. I think zac asked some very interesting questions. One thing I realise now that I didn't realise when I was living with someone who uses alcohol as a way of coping with life is that I became more and more bossy as my life was spinning out of control. It felt like I had no control over anything at all in my life and so I'd pick up on something, anything, to express all the FEAR, frustration and anger that was building up....it felt like I couldn't even TALK about the thing that was frightening me - her drinking - in case it all exploded into a huge row and the family broke up....so instead I had a zillion other issues I could get irritable about....my radar was on red alert....and another guess is that I was much more irritable than I would normally have been because I was drinking on a pretty regular basis....and do you know, possibly that's also what some part of me was REALLY afraid of?
At Al-anon I started to learn that a lot of the things I got involved with, worried about, judged and tried to control were actually NOTHING to do with me.....and I think now this is partly because I had a very bad idea of where I ended and others began...what therapists call boundaries....
My mum and dad intefered in everything about me when I was little....they told me what I thought, what I felt and what I wanted.....I didn't have an identity of my own...it wasn't allowed....I think I created subselves to cope....very repressed....one of which is very immature and has a very rigid idea that EVERYONE should do the right thing....almost as if I was compensating for the fact that at the time I had NO power and everyone wasdoing the wrong thing to me?
Boy, overcomplicated I guess, but I can relate to what I've read about Borderline issues....maybe the reason I'm so tough outside is because I'm so fragile inside, maybe the reason my rules (moral and otherwise) can be so rigid is because I didn't FEEL I really had any....and maybe that's why I try to impose them on people who, in the end, have the absolute right to do what they want with THEIR lives....
Just as we do, Izzy, just as we do....maybe I just have to do a bit more work to get in touch with my real self so that I know what that is....lol...with your help Izzy, I'm getting there.
Take good care of your Self.....
Love,
Martin
You know something Zac, I am very jealous of my mums relationships with people at her church because it's like they're more important to her than us, her family. I've acknowledged this out loud to her also.
She can empathise with people there and she acts like she cares so much but when it comes to me she just gets irate and like I'm just in the way. I have to beg her for affection and understanding but it just comes without any effort to people at the church. this along with other things makes me despise the lot of them.
"My mum and dad intefered in everything about me when I was little....they told me what I thought, what I felt and what I wanted.....I didn't have an identity of my own...it wasn't allowed....I think I created subselves to cope....very repressed....one of which is very immature and has a very rigid idea that EVERYONE should do the right thing....almost as if I was compensating for the fact that at the time I had NO power and everyone wasdoing the wrong thing to me? "
I also think exactly like that, I was controlled until I was 18 then it all just stopped and I didn't know who I was or what I was meant to do. I feel like a child in my head which is part of being Borderline (for me) I have to learn to cope on my own, all the stuff I should have learned growing up but couldn't because I wasn't allowed to experience things and make mistakes. I wasn't allowed to BE.
You see another contradiction because I feel like my whole life is one big mistake.
I feel like this little tiny fish in a huge ocean and I'm struggling to find something to hold onto to make me feel secure. So I drink. So I smoke. So I use food as a weapon to me. That can go both ways, eat too much or deprive myself til I can hardly stand up I'm shaking so much my blood sugar is way down.
I just feel hopeless a lot of the time. I don't know who I am or why I'm here. It all seems such a waste of time to me.
Izzy
She can empathise with people there and she acts like she cares so much but when it comes to me she just gets irate and like I'm just in the way. I have to beg her for affection and understanding but it just comes without any effort to people at the church. this along with other things makes me despise the lot of them.
"My mum and dad intefered in everything about me when I was little....they told me what I thought, what I felt and what I wanted.....I didn't have an identity of my own...it wasn't allowed....I think I created subselves to cope....very repressed....one of which is very immature and has a very rigid idea that EVERYONE should do the right thing....almost as if I was compensating for the fact that at the time I had NO power and everyone wasdoing the wrong thing to me? "
I also think exactly like that, I was controlled until I was 18 then it all just stopped and I didn't know who I was or what I was meant to do. I feel like a child in my head which is part of being Borderline (for me) I have to learn to cope on my own, all the stuff I should have learned growing up but couldn't because I wasn't allowed to experience things and make mistakes. I wasn't allowed to BE.
You see another contradiction because I feel like my whole life is one big mistake.
I feel like this little tiny fish in a huge ocean and I'm struggling to find something to hold onto to make me feel secure. So I drink. So I smoke. So I use food as a weapon to me. That can go both ways, eat too much or deprive myself til I can hardly stand up I'm shaking so much my blood sugar is way down.
I just feel hopeless a lot of the time. I don't know who I am or why I'm here. It all seems such a waste of time to me.
Izzy
Izzy,
For me the most difficult thing is finding a reason to live for ME instead of for everyone else......so I know what I'm about to say isn't ideal but.... please know that you matter to lots of people here Izzy, ......please let that acceptance, respect, care and love for you hold you up while you take your time to find out who you are and who you want to be, and then you can really start to live for you....
Deep inside of me I found a very wounded child...a dead child....in the past few weeks an entire cast of characters have emerged Izzy, and they hold that child and surround him with love and protection and he is stirring, catching his breath...perhaps he was not dead after all....I told my counsellor that I would not abandon him again....either he comes with me this time and I live an authentic life, or we die an authentic death together.....I'm 50 years old Izzy, and in the moments when this child opens his eyes the world shines with a brilliance and love beyond anything I ever dreamed.....you have your whole life ahead of you....take your time....take care of your child...she is the one child you CAN save, the one person you CAN love back to life and health....and I tell you this Izzy, I want that child in this world. For purely selfish reasons I WANT THAT CHILD IN THIS WORLD.....I can see her beauty from here. She is part of that brilliance and love my soul awakes to see.
Keep you safe and well and happy.
With much love,
Martin
For me the most difficult thing is finding a reason to live for ME instead of for everyone else......so I know what I'm about to say isn't ideal but.... please know that you matter to lots of people here Izzy, ......please let that acceptance, respect, care and love for you hold you up while you take your time to find out who you are and who you want to be, and then you can really start to live for you....
Deep inside of me I found a very wounded child...a dead child....in the past few weeks an entire cast of characters have emerged Izzy, and they hold that child and surround him with love and protection and he is stirring, catching his breath...perhaps he was not dead after all....I told my counsellor that I would not abandon him again....either he comes with me this time and I live an authentic life, or we die an authentic death together.....I'm 50 years old Izzy, and in the moments when this child opens his eyes the world shines with a brilliance and love beyond anything I ever dreamed.....you have your whole life ahead of you....take your time....take care of your child...she is the one child you CAN save, the one person you CAN love back to life and health....and I tell you this Izzy, I want that child in this world. For purely selfish reasons I WANT THAT CHILD IN THIS WORLD.....I can see her beauty from here. She is part of that brilliance and love my soul awakes to see.
Keep you safe and well and happy.
With much love,
Martin
Hi Izzy I just want you to know that I care about you and that I understand your feelings. God bless and take care
Izzy,
Just a question...are you still drinking?
Just a question...are you still drinking?
BTW, eating too much and then restricting can indicate a serious problem. Take care of yourself and if you are truly concerned about the binge/restriction cycle...I understand. You are not alone.
Hey Zipper, yeah I still drink a few large glasses of wine at night. I can't sleep and the alcohol makes my pills work a bit faster. Sleep is a huge problem for me it has been for years but my Psychiatrists have just told me there's nothing wrong with me. I've asked for sleeping tablets but they wont give them to me. I get so stressed out I use alcohol to get to sleep, but I know that's a total contradiction because it makes my sleep worse but it helps to get me off to sleep so that is why I use it. It's comforting to me at night when everyone else has gone off to bed, I'm still wide awake so I have a drink to pass the time. I am so conscious of my behaviour patterns and they play on my mind constantly.
Deep breath! lol
My current Psychiatrist has told me to keep an eye on my eating (and he's quite concerned about it) as I don't eat regularly or very large amounts. I had put on a bit of weight due to my alcohol consumption so on first impressions I may not look as though I don't eat, but personally I think I am probably under nourished. If I was to lose the alcohol weight I'd probably be under weight.
Izzy
Deep breath! lol
My current Psychiatrist has told me to keep an eye on my eating (and he's quite concerned about it) as I don't eat regularly or very large amounts. I had put on a bit of weight due to my alcohol consumption so on first impressions I may not look as though I don't eat, but personally I think I am probably under nourished. If I was to lose the alcohol weight I'd probably be under weight.
Izzy
