Hi all,
so here it goes. It's about 1:30am. Today is the third day that I haven't talked to my boyfriend who is addicted to heroin. He started out very young abusing pain medications after a shoulder injury in basketball. We were both athletes and got a long so well. We've been close family friends for ten years, and two years ago decided to make it official. We both smoked weed, loved going to the gym together, and everything was great.
I never thought I would be where I am now, and I wish he wasn't in his current situation either.
I found out about his heroin use on Thanksgiving of last year. His sister sat me down and told me. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know anything about the drug. I lost weeks of sleep just researching what to do and what he's feeling like. I was initially upset with him but hey, I had hope. He was resistant to any type of rehab and blamed his drug use on my abortion that I had in March of 2016. He was big on blaming me and his family, and his fathers death which was 10 years ago. I responded in anger, yet we continued talking.
He promised he was doing better and I noticed that he wasn't disappearing or going to the bathroom as often. He was even looking for jobs. Fast forward to February. Coming home from my best friends house, who has a baby. I'm helping him get undressed when I feel the corner of a tiny ziplock bag in his pocket. He immediately responds with anger and says he's going to the bathroom. I said what's in the bag? He said it was weed. No one buys that amount of weed, ever. I'm no dummy. He eventually showed me the bag of H, and I cried until I couldn't feel my face anymore. What happened to that guy I fell in love with so long ago? We were supposed to get married, and now this? I was speechless. I tried to stop talking to him.
He apologizes and I ignored him a little longer. Unfortunately, it was like he was addicted to heroin and I was addicted to him. I got little to no sleep that week, and ended up almost getting terminated from my job that I held for 4 years. I was so stressed out, and everyone could see it on my face. I confided in his siblings, again, and again, he refused. He didn't have a problem and he hated when anyone said that he did. He was just kicking and was "tapering off."
Valentines day, and I decided to take him out to dinner. I loved him. I thought it was going somewhere. Still looking for a job. Come March, he was being shady again. Going missing for long periods of time. I stopped talking to him probably for a day. In April, he started gaining weight. His appetite was back. He was requesting all his favorite meals again. I was proud of him and constantly praising him for his good progress. Letters started coming in with multiple court dates. He got caught with paraphernalia. He got caught driving on a suspended license. He got caught driving with a robbery tool-is that even a thing? He told me he had to go to a court ordered rehab program. I thought, how great. It would be nice for him to have time to reflect. Well, he went to court, got 'pardoned on all charges.' And I bought this story like I always do.
Three days ago, he left his phone in my car. As wrong as it is, I looked through it. He was doing it AGAIN. I told him in the calmest matter, and he said a simple apology.
Today, I told his family. They will try to talk to him about rehab again, but I realize it's up to him.
I have not talked to him, and have no plans in doing so. I feel terrible leaving someone who is in this bad situation. I set up a note in my phone where I will write whenever I feel tempted to talk to him. I think leaving him may save his life. I don't want to be with someone who I can't trust, because I don't want to resent him. I hope I can be strong if he ever reaches out.
M
He lost his job, ruined his family life and has robbed from myself and family members. I never thought I would see the day. Seeing him lose all that weight and constantly be out doing God know's what is the most nerve wrecking thing. I told him I feared hearing about him on TV or getting that call from his mom saying he died/OD'd... and he would always respond "well it's not like I injected it." I think he has a problem downplaying almost everything. It saddens me beyond belief.
Trying,
Your boyfriend's story sounds very typical of an addict. I'm glad that you've made the decision to put yourself first. To live life with an addict, or even a recovered addict, will never be an easy thing. My advice to you is to keep moving forward and don't look back. You seem like you have a very good head on your shoulders and you know that his sobriety will always be up to him. Don't feel bad about leaving him. You've made the right choice. You can't save him but you can save you.
Good luck
Your boyfriend's story sounds very typical of an addict. I'm glad that you've made the decision to put yourself first. To live life with an addict, or even a recovered addict, will never be an easy thing. My advice to you is to keep moving forward and don't look back. You seem like you have a very good head on your shoulders and you know that his sobriety will always be up to him. Don't feel bad about leaving him. You've made the right choice. You can't save him but you can save you.
Good luck
Thank you Shell. I appreciate the positive message. I'm trying to keep my spirits up. Had to tell his mom today that he was still using and that I can no longer see him.
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He popped back into my life within six short days. I was so weak and responded back. He let me know he had never "actually tried stopping before" and that things would be different.
I decided to stay, even though I was everything but content. I'm so attached to him! In every way, like many of you are with 'your' addicts. I took a vacation just to get my mind off things. During the vacation, he totaled my sisters car by getting in an accident with her! Thank God they were both alive! Apparently, what we didn't know, is the day before- he had gotten my car towed dude to his suspended license! He didn't let me know of either event, and I was notified by either my family or his. When he finally gets the guts to tell me, I'm almost back home already. My car had accrued $1500 some odd in charges.
What hurts the most is that when I picked my car up, I saw the burnt straws his friends and him left. I asked, before I picked it up, did you guys do anything? Why were you pulled over? He said nope, none of us did.
I believed him. But the straws with the burnt off tips are so fresh in my mind and I realize betrayal has been the most consistent theme in our relationship.
He sent me a photo of an engagement ring he got me before both incidents, as if it would somehow pay for all this hurt.
Trying my hardest to not answer the phone or see him- my weakness.
Xoxo, M
I decided to stay, even though I was everything but content. I'm so attached to him! In every way, like many of you are with 'your' addicts. I took a vacation just to get my mind off things. During the vacation, he totaled my sisters car by getting in an accident with her! Thank God they were both alive! Apparently, what we didn't know, is the day before- he had gotten my car towed dude to his suspended license! He didn't let me know of either event, and I was notified by either my family or his. When he finally gets the guts to tell me, I'm almost back home already. My car had accrued $1500 some odd in charges.
What hurts the most is that when I picked my car up, I saw the burnt straws his friends and him left. I asked, before I picked it up, did you guys do anything? Why were you pulled over? He said nope, none of us did.
I believed him. But the straws with the burnt off tips are so fresh in my mind and I realize betrayal has been the most consistent theme in our relationship.
He sent me a photo of an engagement ring he got me before both incidents, as if it would somehow pay for all this hurt.
Trying my hardest to not answer the phone or see him- my weakness.
Xoxo, M
OMG So sorry to hear this..... I hope you close the door on that relationship. Too bad for him. It is such a shame. and horrible that he cost your sister her car, and all the fees and damage to your car. And after getting your car towed, he continued driving .... etc!! He in NOT to be trusted with anything. Thanks for sharing the update. I know you will do well for your future. Stay away from guys on drugs! They will just complicate everything and you will loose everything you work for.
Change your phone number, move to a different location. Do Not let yourself or your sister get involved with anything he is doing or says. do not blame yourself. the problems are completely his fault.
Change your phone number, move to a different location. Do Not let yourself or your sister get involved with anything he is doing or says. do not blame yourself. the problems are completely his fault.
Trying to,
So hard to read your story, because it is the story of all of us on some level.
I, like you, continue to hope my love and my support will change the course of my son's life. And, again and again, I am reminded that I am powerless and I cannot do anything. It is up to him. And, he is irrational and immature. Which sucks me back in sometimes, as this situation sucks you back in (when you feel sorry for him; want to help so much).
The very sad, hard truth for all us is that addiction steals the person we love. They are gone. And, addiction affects their brains. They lie to us, abuse us, steal from us. They cannot love us. And, we feel helpless watching them destroy their lives.
But, in a very real way, the only person we can take care of is ourselves. And, we DESERVE it. You deserve to be with someone who can love you. I just started going to CODA meetings and al-anon in person. It is helping me believe that I DO deserve a happy life. And, that I can spend a million dollars, bleed tears, ruin my health, ruin my days, ignore the rest of my family all to help him and it WILL NOT change anything. It is okay to move on and it is okay to take care of yourself. But, like you stated, we develop addictive behaviors to the person and we need help to change ourselves and our beliefs. Keep posting and check out resources in your area.
You deserve to be in a real, giving relationship.
So hard to read your story, because it is the story of all of us on some level.
I, like you, continue to hope my love and my support will change the course of my son's life. And, again and again, I am reminded that I am powerless and I cannot do anything. It is up to him. And, he is irrational and immature. Which sucks me back in sometimes, as this situation sucks you back in (when you feel sorry for him; want to help so much).
The very sad, hard truth for all us is that addiction steals the person we love. They are gone. And, addiction affects their brains. They lie to us, abuse us, steal from us. They cannot love us. And, we feel helpless watching them destroy their lives.
But, in a very real way, the only person we can take care of is ourselves. And, we DESERVE it. You deserve to be with someone who can love you. I just started going to CODA meetings and al-anon in person. It is helping me believe that I DO deserve a happy life. And, that I can spend a million dollars, bleed tears, ruin my health, ruin my days, ignore the rest of my family all to help him and it WILL NOT change anything. It is okay to move on and it is okay to take care of yourself. But, like you stated, we develop addictive behaviors to the person and we need help to change ourselves and our beliefs. Keep posting and check out resources in your area.
You deserve to be in a real, giving relationship.
NyToFlorida-
Thank you so much. I am trying a little harder to be strong this time. Since my last post, he has had the cops at his house multiple times. It makes it a little easier though I wish such a close friend/person in my life wasn't putting himself in all this trouble. I feel terrible for his family for whom this has become the norm but HAVE TO remind myself I am no longer indebted to his situation or to any of them really. Thank you for the great advice.<3 I hope to get some counseling in codependency and try to be single. I am requesting that all mutual friends not tell me his new situations he becomes involved in as I imagine there will be plenty.
Parenting- Thank you so so much for your beautiful response. It is so hard moving on, feeling like his family, himself and the community will judge me, and other times I'm like oh, whatever this is for me. I've never really put myself first, so it's new to me. I'm so thrilled to hear that you are going to the meetings. For some reason, I feel nervous to go to one. Do you attend with your son or alone?
I cannot imagine your level of hurt and pain. I commend you on your faith and hopefulness, like my dad says that is what the world runs on. Just because your son is taking advantage of these things does not mean you should become a cynic <3 I know there will be days that you are saddened and think about the what ifs, and I will have those too. But I hope, for the both of us, that we have more days where we accept that we can not control. God bless! Keep me posted <3
Thank you so much. I am trying a little harder to be strong this time. Since my last post, he has had the cops at his house multiple times. It makes it a little easier though I wish such a close friend/person in my life wasn't putting himself in all this trouble. I feel terrible for his family for whom this has become the norm but HAVE TO remind myself I am no longer indebted to his situation or to any of them really. Thank you for the great advice.<3 I hope to get some counseling in codependency and try to be single. I am requesting that all mutual friends not tell me his new situations he becomes involved in as I imagine there will be plenty.
Parenting- Thank you so so much for your beautiful response. It is so hard moving on, feeling like his family, himself and the community will judge me, and other times I'm like oh, whatever this is for me. I've never really put myself first, so it's new to me. I'm so thrilled to hear that you are going to the meetings. For some reason, I feel nervous to go to one. Do you attend with your son or alone?
I cannot imagine your level of hurt and pain. I commend you on your faith and hopefulness, like my dad says that is what the world runs on. Just because your son is taking advantage of these things does not mean you should become a cynic <3 I know there will be days that you are saddened and think about the what ifs, and I will have those too. But I hope, for the both of us, that we have more days where we accept that we can not control. God bless! Keep me posted <3
tryingto - Meetings are good. you don't have to speak at first if you don't want to. It is a good place to hear other stories and put your situation into prospective. it is support where you can talk openly, get feedback right away, and report your successes and be cheered on ... re: codependency - maybe pick up a good book on the subject or spend some time at Barnes and Noble - speed reading! Reading was one of the first things I did when I started going to NarAnon meetings a few years ago. It helped to reinforce that I was fighting a loosing battle and that it was real, and others are going thru the same thing, and that it is the addicts battle, not mine.
My son has been addicted for a few years. several times has had a 4 months clean. I just cant believe he keeps going back to the street. He is currently back home, living w gf, full time job, only spending his $$ - I do not contribute, he also pays his student loan bc I facilitate that by holding the loan $$. It has been 2 1/2 months. I expected to see him understand that if he didn't spend on the street he would be able to buy new shoes, sun glasses, save for a car, be able to pay insurance... nope. no savings. It just does not click.... he blames the student loan - if he didn't have to pay the loan, he would have savings.... wrong - if he didn't spend 200 a week on street meds, he would have savings.... he has said when he has medical insurance he will go to dr for medication.... we will see if he follows thru...
He also down plays it. He thinks he needs medication to sleep and for anxiety. I am pretty positive that the meds he takes cause the anxiety. and there's other ways to deal w sleep but he wont listen to reasonable suggestions. he says he only takes kolonopin - but who knows...
one week I think he's doing better, the next week I realize he isn't. They can say whatever they want we never know what the truth is... They say enough to give us hope and keep us on the roller coaster. one week I feel hope, the next I feel sadness... Today is one of those days that I realize he over spent last week and only has a tiny bit to get thru the next 5 days. He knows I wont give $$. That was his pattern in the past - feast and then famine...
its hard to watch it. IGood idea for you to not want to hear about how your ex-bf is doing. although you will feel the sadness for what could have been. You just have to keep reminding yourself of the facts. It is like a grief that stays with us.
sorry my post is so long.
My son has been addicted for a few years. several times has had a 4 months clean. I just cant believe he keeps going back to the street. He is currently back home, living w gf, full time job, only spending his $$ - I do not contribute, he also pays his student loan bc I facilitate that by holding the loan $$. It has been 2 1/2 months. I expected to see him understand that if he didn't spend on the street he would be able to buy new shoes, sun glasses, save for a car, be able to pay insurance... nope. no savings. It just does not click.... he blames the student loan - if he didn't have to pay the loan, he would have savings.... wrong - if he didn't spend 200 a week on street meds, he would have savings.... he has said when he has medical insurance he will go to dr for medication.... we will see if he follows thru...
He also down plays it. He thinks he needs medication to sleep and for anxiety. I am pretty positive that the meds he takes cause the anxiety. and there's other ways to deal w sleep but he wont listen to reasonable suggestions. he says he only takes kolonopin - but who knows...
one week I think he's doing better, the next week I realize he isn't. They can say whatever they want we never know what the truth is... They say enough to give us hope and keep us on the roller coaster. one week I feel hope, the next I feel sadness... Today is one of those days that I realize he over spent last week and only has a tiny bit to get thru the next 5 days. He knows I wont give $$. That was his pattern in the past - feast and then famine...
its hard to watch it. IGood idea for you to not want to hear about how your ex-bf is doing. although you will feel the sadness for what could have been. You just have to keep reminding yourself of the facts. It is like a grief that stays with us.
sorry my post is so long.
Nytoflorida-
So crazy how they tend to down play things. My ex thought that I would be okay with him taking xanax. Recreational drug use is not okay when you are an ex- addict- except for that he doesn't consider himself one. Heroin is not something ppl just dabble in. There goes the downplaying, making themselves feel better type of thing. Today he reached out to me around 10 times, letting me know he has landed a job. I don't think he understands, I'll never be able to trust him again. While his whole family is in complete denial- I am the only one able to leave. I am blessed to be able to do so.
Tell your son that CBT most often works BETTER than these anxiety meds! Anxiety meds leave people a mess! I was on lorazepam for a year and a half because of my severe anxiety, weaned myself off because of my memory loss and other terrible side effects. I woke up around 8 every morning but wasn't really awake till around noon. It was terrible and took my life away. Hated every moment. Therapy helped me immensely- even though it was only a few sessions.
It is so sad that we can't trust anything they say. I feel you sister. Trust the facts! It's all we got. Praying for u.
<3, M
So crazy how they tend to down play things. My ex thought that I would be okay with him taking xanax. Recreational drug use is not okay when you are an ex- addict- except for that he doesn't consider himself one. Heroin is not something ppl just dabble in. There goes the downplaying, making themselves feel better type of thing. Today he reached out to me around 10 times, letting me know he has landed a job. I don't think he understands, I'll never be able to trust him again. While his whole family is in complete denial- I am the only one able to leave. I am blessed to be able to do so.
Tell your son that CBT most often works BETTER than these anxiety meds! Anxiety meds leave people a mess! I was on lorazepam for a year and a half because of my severe anxiety, weaned myself off because of my memory loss and other terrible side effects. I woke up around 8 every morning but wasn't really awake till around noon. It was terrible and took my life away. Hated every moment. Therapy helped me immensely- even though it was only a few sessions.
It is so sad that we can't trust anything they say. I feel you sister. Trust the facts! It's all we got. Praying for u.
<3, M
Hi - What is CBT - ? behavior therapy . Just sharing a note about the side effects of the medications - a friend about 50 yrs old was going thru years of stress in a difficult marriage. always went to therapy as needed, aware and used holistic methods - meditation, etc. Read enormous amount of information on pertinent topics in her life and put them into play. But the stress she was living in was too much. Her Dr suggested Xanax and an SSRI. She took them temporarily and sparingly. They did help with obsessive and racing thoughts. It was enough for her to be able to make some decisions to leave the marriage. But.... the side effects and withdrawal - although not horrendous - were disturbing. Memory loss, zapping in the brain, etc... Something she said was horrible and will never go near again. also for the amount of good the meds do - it does not last. they stop working after a while. so I guess in an addicts world, the meds only give off side effects after a few months, and do not help w the reason they started taking them. so they keep taking thinking it will still help? From a bird's eye view it seems to me that the meds dumb a person down and put their brain to sleep. A person can not be productive and on top of their game when on these drugs. The sad part is that they cant see it. Thanks so much for your responses!
found it - CBT - Cognitive Behavior Therapy
TryingTo,
Sorry to hear about your story as I am in a similar situation only with our child involved in this whole mess. I will say that he will continue to contact you, as my boyfriend does the same. No matter how much I try to ignore him or answer his calls or texts, I do answer! It's like we are holding onto hope, but unfortunately heroin is a drug that is not easy to overcome!! It is true that we are addicted to them and they are always on our minds as much as we try to block them out!
It seems as though this has been an ongoing battle for him for a very long time! He definitely needs to get his act together and seek help without being forced by others. I wish you the best in this roller coaster ride that your on ! ,
Sorry to hear about your story as I am in a similar situation only with our child involved in this whole mess. I will say that he will continue to contact you, as my boyfriend does the same. No matter how much I try to ignore him or answer his calls or texts, I do answer! It's like we are holding onto hope, but unfortunately heroin is a drug that is not easy to overcome!! It is true that we are addicted to them and they are always on our minds as much as we try to block them out!
It seems as though this has been an ongoing battle for him for a very long time! He definitely needs to get his act together and seek help without being forced by others. I wish you the best in this roller coaster ride that your on ! ,
Devastated,
Totally. I definitely know that I can't hear his voice or I will be instantly sucked back in. It's all a facade- and I need to remember the facts. I decided to leave because I was his emotional support and sometimes financial. Whenever there was trouble at home, or his family or siblings were asking him too many questions- he would want to be hanging out with me. I am the only one willing to walk out on him and take away some of the cushion he has. He doesn't realize anything is wrong. He has been using for nearly a year and a half and has not gone to rehab. Doesn't go to school or go to work. I work full time and go to school full time. He is one of my oldest friends and I needed to wise up and i feel like my decision might save his life and finally be his reality check.
How is everything going on your side?
Totally. I definitely know that I can't hear his voice or I will be instantly sucked back in. It's all a facade- and I need to remember the facts. I decided to leave because I was his emotional support and sometimes financial. Whenever there was trouble at home, or his family or siblings were asking him too many questions- he would want to be hanging out with me. I am the only one willing to walk out on him and take away some of the cushion he has. He doesn't realize anything is wrong. He has been using for nearly a year and a half and has not gone to rehab. Doesn't go to school or go to work. I work full time and go to school full time. He is one of my oldest friends and I needed to wise up and i feel like my decision might save his life and finally be his reality check.
How is everything going on your side?
NY to Florida,
wow your friends story sounds so similar to mine. My memory was so shot after my experiences with ssri's/benzo's. it was truly terrible. I have to come up with new ways to stimulate my mind to help me study and sometimes it's really tough. Friends and family tell me stories that I have no remembrance of. It can also be embarrassing at times. I hate that people take these drugs recreationally.
Hope all is well!
<3, M
wow your friends story sounds so similar to mine. My memory was so shot after my experiences with ssri's/benzo's. it was truly terrible. I have to come up with new ways to stimulate my mind to help me study and sometimes it's really tough. Friends and family tell me stories that I have no remembrance of. It can also be embarrassing at times. I hate that people take these drugs recreationally.
Hope all is well!
<3, M
