20080424, next Thursday, I will have read every single page in the Daily Reflections. That's a fat little book! If I can do today, I'll have 24 hours more.
Birthdays make me get sideways, I've found. I talked with VWGirl about this very early on, but it's like I used to start obsessing about the "next shiny object" days and weeks before I could get another chip. It was at THAT time that I decided to pick up a real sponsor and work The Program and not MY Program. I was getting addicted to the next chip, for f*** sake!
When I first stopped, I just wanted to learn how to drink like normal people. When it became clear that I had the dreaded allergy/obsession, I started to spin into depression--how was I ever going to live without alcohol and other Mood Altering Drugs and substances? I'd been doing it all my life! As Kat said, I "Had one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, and I was pissing on today!" Crass, but true. All the handwringing and dry-drunk behaviour simply wasn't Happy, Joyous and Free like the crazy OldTimers said it was, and I was jealous--and miserable. I counted every single damned day hoping it would get better.
Stopping drinking will stop things from getting worse. Stopping the downward spiral can sometimes FEEL like things are getting better, but it wasn't until I worked The Steps that life began to change for me. Improve. The clouds have lifted and I can see what it's all about and, while I don't always do things right, I know immediately when I don't--and I make restitutions immediately (Step 10) so that I don't carry it over to another day, and another, and another. Quitting drinking was only half of the Solution for me. I had missed some very vital stuff about my SELF along the way and I've been given the tools to fix that--and live life the way I believe MY Higher Power intended me to: Happy, Loving, and Free of the crap that kills my spirit One Single Day At A Time....
The insight that I might not be seeing things straight.....wow....that I see everything through a distorting lens....incredible......it's funny but I'd worked all that stuff about projection out.....I know how and why and all that..... in relation to my ex.....and, as usual, everything I see her doing turns out to be deeply hidden from me in myself.....and the difference this awarenss makes is astonishing...."knowing" this stuff happens and.....only now.....and only thanks to other people helping me see it......KNOWING I do it myself.... Astonishing.
Life really is a mystery.
Working on myself is the only game in town. And only now do I (think!) I'm beginning to understand what that actually means......what those words actually involve....
Life really is a mystery.
Working on myself is the only game in town. And only now do I (think!) I'm beginning to understand what that actually means......what those words actually involve....
