Alright..all....the title of the post is basically to me a weird R.C ritual...which involves goin to mass..not me...then goin ot to the graveyard ..where my bro is buried...and saying a load of prayers and several priests goin round spraying ;HOLY WATER;over all and sundry...blessing of the graves...i had to go coz my ma is pure R.C in a good way also i had to bring my daughter.Im just saying after addiction its so f***in hard to deal with any true emotional strain...tell you the truth..im dosed at 70ml.a day but i took 100ml to get over it...just numb myself from it....i relied on the drug to ride the pain...that to me is a lapse in it self...dont get me wrong i aint beating myself up ...just realising how we do sumtimes.
Just a vent guys...and believe me i would love a bag now...the answers to all my pains..not really...my 7yr.old is here gotta go.Thanks.........Davey
yeah i'd like a bag in that situation aswell, but thinking of on and actually having one are two diffrent things. You're a strong person mate, so you topped up on the green? at least you didn't score! i wish i had some meaninful pearl of wisdom to type right now, but my education doesn't stretch that far. Take care, Kev
Davey, we sure do don't we? Use the drug almost automatically to get by something or over it or around it......just to get through it.
Can't say I'd think it was a lapse, Davey.....and if that's what ya wanna call it then hey ya RECOGNIZED it.......for what it is......we use to numb it all......and then what........more of the same and over and over.
Davey, that had to be so heart wrenching........I am so sorry........like you walk around with that wound for life.......every single day.........and then something comes up to bust the wound open wider........grief, fear, hurt, sadness, anger.
Pretty sure all them and more hit ya......so it's no wonder ya took some extra mls..........BUT Davey:
You didn't get a bag.........you were there for your mom who needs you so much.......especially at a time like this.......her heart twisted and wrenched for her dear son........and there you are.......her other son.........a rock for her.....and a son she has to be so proud of.......on heroin.....ya may have not even made it.........if ya did your head would be elsewhere......and I think your mom would have known that.
DAD is who ya are......and Sian was with you.......standing with her family........there's nothing can come in the way of that, Davey......cause you are Sian's world.........there for your two girls ya were.
Davey, I'm Catholic.......we never have that over here.......a grave Blessing.....that's a nice albeit sad practice........do ya go to the actual grave?
I mean like do ya go to Church first and everyone goes together.......just wondering........kind of on the line to the Jewish practice of the "Unveiling" sort of.........yeah us Catholics.......Davey, ya think you'll get Sian baptized and Confession, Confirmation and Communion? Personal question.....sorry if it was too forward..........I'm not a practicing Catholic so to me a person is judged on their merit as a human being........don't got to be in Church.
You did good, Davey.......best of all your little girl just then came to ya for attention or for something and ya got off the computer.......your a great dad.
Davey, today especially.......in your mind........ask your brother for a sign.......something was important between the two of ya's.......keep your mind open and your eyes peeled.........cause I absolutely believe you'll get a sign.
Could be subtle, but you will know what it is.......I'm sorry Davey for your pain.
Can't say I'd think it was a lapse, Davey.....and if that's what ya wanna call it then hey ya RECOGNIZED it.......for what it is......we use to numb it all......and then what........more of the same and over and over.
Davey, that had to be so heart wrenching........I am so sorry........like you walk around with that wound for life.......every single day.........and then something comes up to bust the wound open wider........grief, fear, hurt, sadness, anger.
Pretty sure all them and more hit ya......so it's no wonder ya took some extra mls..........BUT Davey:
You didn't get a bag.........you were there for your mom who needs you so much.......especially at a time like this.......her heart twisted and wrenched for her dear son........and there you are.......her other son.........a rock for her.....and a son she has to be so proud of.......on heroin.....ya may have not even made it.........if ya did your head would be elsewhere......and I think your mom would have known that.
DAD is who ya are......and Sian was with you.......standing with her family........there's nothing can come in the way of that, Davey......cause you are Sian's world.........there for your two girls ya were.
Davey, I'm Catholic.......we never have that over here.......a grave Blessing.....that's a nice albeit sad practice........do ya go to the actual grave?
I mean like do ya go to Church first and everyone goes together.......just wondering........kind of on the line to the Jewish practice of the "Unveiling" sort of.........yeah us Catholics.......Davey, ya think you'll get Sian baptized and Confession, Confirmation and Communion? Personal question.....sorry if it was too forward..........I'm not a practicing Catholic so to me a person is judged on their merit as a human being........don't got to be in Church.
You did good, Davey.......best of all your little girl just then came to ya for attention or for something and ya got off the computer.......your a great dad.
Davey, today especially.......in your mind........ask your brother for a sign.......something was important between the two of ya's.......keep your mind open and your eyes peeled.........cause I absolutely believe you'll get a sign.
Could be subtle, but you will know what it is.......I'm sorry Davey for your pain.
Bryn...without saying anymore you are the best ...your spot on with my emotions...yes my girls were with me today....and yes you attend mass an my bro resting place is just in a cemetary outside.his headstone is good with ...Kev the Celtic football fotif engraved into it...Bryn you know how us English/Irish /Scots/Welsh boys love our footie and my bro did so it was differant from all the other mundane headstones with theres messages of wotever.A sad day for all...but Bryn ya know the sign you mentioned i might get...well ive realised what it might be....Sian has been on her best behaviour since i think she was in the womb...simple things but so good when ya see it.Thankyou......Davey
What Bryn said...all things good Davey. You're a good father, son and I know you were a good brother as well. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
Beck
Beck
Davey, I hope that in a while you'll start to see a positive. When we are reminded of death, of those we love, it makes you realise that you are ALIVE. I mean, to really contemplate it, to see life as the blessing it is. You and Sian have your whole lives ahead of you, and it's a precious thing, not to be wasted. Incidently, I had a weird grave experience myself recently. My new house, it's close to a large cemetary. My boyfriend and I went for a walk, and he stopped by a grave, and told me that this was his grave. His father and grandfather are buried there, and he showed me the space at the bottom of the headstone, and told me that space was left for him, when he dies. It was freaky. A very good friend of mine is buried in the same cemetary - she died of multiple organ failure, after leaving hospital against medical advice after an asthma attack, coz she was clucking, and needed a hit. Basically, she did a bag in, and it killed her. She was only 18. For a long time, I kept her picture stuck on the inside of my wardrobe - each morning when I dressed, I saw her face, and it reminded me that I am alive, and to treasure each second.
You did good - it takes a long time of being clean to learn how to cope with emotional pain without resorting to drugs. The extra 30ml you took probably had more of a placebo effect, coz it's the only way you know how to cope.
Remember, pain doesn't last forever. I know at the time it feels unbearable, but just allow yourself to go through the process. In order to heal, you need to allow yourself to grieve. Don't be afraid - the only way out is through. It comes in like a flood, and it's frightening, but rest assured, peace lies on the other side, once the tide of pain has subsided.
love
Diff xxx
You did good - it takes a long time of being clean to learn how to cope with emotional pain without resorting to drugs. The extra 30ml you took probably had more of a placebo effect, coz it's the only way you know how to cope.
Remember, pain doesn't last forever. I know at the time it feels unbearable, but just allow yourself to go through the process. In order to heal, you need to allow yourself to grieve. Don't be afraid - the only way out is through. It comes in like a flood, and it's frightening, but rest assured, peace lies on the other side, once the tide of pain has subsided.
love
Diff xxx
Davey......WOW.......what a neat headstone........it's about his life......what he loved and had such passion for........his football........like Beck said you're a good brother.........as well as so much more, Davey.........you have all us here's respect........and I hate seeing ya sad, and broken up........alas it's all about Kev.......right.......and your girls........and ya got through it.......and you ain't using.......perhaps Kev got something to do with that, huh? It takes more than human strength if ya ask me, Davey.
UH-OH Sian is being picture perfect......UH-OH........Davey she saw ya broken up.........even if ya didn't think it was visible.........that little, little she knows ya more than anyone........she's looking out for you.......that's it!
Davey, My friend Kev........he got a big fish on his headstone.......LOL......I'd of picked a New York Yankees cap........he was the bestes, bestest cat in the world.........and I had mad love for him..........I was crazy about him, but ya know what..........he told me "I love you and you're the only person I know more F*ck*d up than me. I won't do that to you"........he weren't a heroin addict, but he drank...........drank, drank..........and I miss him......alot.......and I get signs from him when I need it the most.......help from over yonder.
Keep looking Davey........keep an open mind........cause when it comes them signs it's wild..................no denying them.
UH-OH Sian is being picture perfect......UH-OH........Davey she saw ya broken up.........even if ya didn't think it was visible.........that little, little she knows ya more than anyone........she's looking out for you.......that's it!
Davey, My friend Kev........he got a big fish on his headstone.......LOL......I'd of picked a New York Yankees cap........he was the bestes, bestest cat in the world.........and I had mad love for him..........I was crazy about him, but ya know what..........he told me "I love you and you're the only person I know more F*ck*d up than me. I won't do that to you"........he weren't a heroin addict, but he drank...........drank, drank..........and I miss him......alot.......and I get signs from him when I need it the most.......help from over yonder.
Keep looking Davey........keep an open mind........cause when it comes them signs it's wild..................no denying them.
..Davey..
..Alrite mate..i know this post is a couple of days old so hopefully ya feeling a bit better and ya back down to 70ml..ya did well at that moment not to go score.
.ok ya topped ya usual dose by 30ml (no big deal mate).it were'nt a lapse..twas more of an anti lapse taking the extra 30ml..it stopped ya from lapsing ?..you had the perfect excuse if you wanted to have a bitta gear..everyone wudda understood if ya come on ere and said ya had a real bad day and went and scored..but ya never..ya only topped up to stay away from the gear..to live with the pain of ya bro passing away is an emotional ride in itself..never mind the stresses of tryna stay away from the brown,being a single parent and trying to keep life in general running smoothly for you and sian..ya got a smart girl there..she cracked on to the pain in ya eyes and realised wot she's gotta do..theres a lot of things in life that can trigger a lapse and with ya bro passing to the other side,emotionally you " were " a hairs trigger away from lapsing..but ya did'nt..be proud of yaself mate cos i know everyone else is ; ) ..good luck mukka..Robbie..
..Edit to say..My niece was over from dublin this weekend..my bro lives in coolock (if thats how ya spell it ?)..twas good to see her as thats the first time i've met her..i ain't seen me bro in 30 yrs (family arguments and stuff)..but things are all good anyway..im gonna go over after the new year with charley for a couple of weeks..maybe before ?..i know its a while away but we're def meet up this time round if ya up for it..beers def on me ; ) ..
..Alrite mate..i know this post is a couple of days old so hopefully ya feeling a bit better and ya back down to 70ml..ya did well at that moment not to go score.
.ok ya topped ya usual dose by 30ml (no big deal mate).it were'nt a lapse..twas more of an anti lapse taking the extra 30ml..it stopped ya from lapsing ?..you had the perfect excuse if you wanted to have a bitta gear..everyone wudda understood if ya come on ere and said ya had a real bad day and went and scored..but ya never..ya only topped up to stay away from the gear..to live with the pain of ya bro passing away is an emotional ride in itself..never mind the stresses of tryna stay away from the brown,being a single parent and trying to keep life in general running smoothly for you and sian..ya got a smart girl there..she cracked on to the pain in ya eyes and realised wot she's gotta do..theres a lot of things in life that can trigger a lapse and with ya bro passing to the other side,emotionally you " were " a hairs trigger away from lapsing..but ya did'nt..be proud of yaself mate cos i know everyone else is ; ) ..good luck mukka..Robbie..
..Edit to say..My niece was over from dublin this weekend..my bro lives in coolock (if thats how ya spell it ?)..twas good to see her as thats the first time i've met her..i ain't seen me bro in 30 yrs (family arguments and stuff)..but things are all good anyway..im gonna go over after the new year with charley for a couple of weeks..maybe before ?..i know its a while away but we're def meet up this time round if ya up for it..beers def on me ; ) ..
Cheers all for the words of help..thank you all.
Robbie i get what your saying the xtra 30ml. did in hindsight save me from having a score...and as the days have passed im back to normal with the meth.and with life in general.
Coolock..yeh ,mate i know it its in north Dublin...has its rough parts..lots of estates if ya get me.Rob.mate i aint gonna let this oppo. go we will deffo meet up over here..guiness all round!!!!.
Chat soon Rob...ATB ..Davey
Robbie i get what your saying the xtra 30ml. did in hindsight save me from having a score...and as the days have passed im back to normal with the meth.and with life in general.
Coolock..yeh ,mate i know it its in north Dublin...has its rough parts..lots of estates if ya get me.Rob.mate i aint gonna let this oppo. go we will deffo meet up over here..guiness all round!!!!.
Chat soon Rob...ATB ..Davey
Robbie was so right..........I didn't think of it that way Davey........you actually saved yourself a lapse..........good thinking there Robbie.
..Davey..
..Good to read ya back to 70 and feeling a bit better in yaself..yeh thats it, north side of dubs..last time i saw dublin i was 6..so im well looking forward to going already..just gotta save sum sheckles up and we're on our way over..prob just after new year..if not then, then def next summer..i'll prob be there for 2 weeks so we'll def have time to link up and such..i wud'nt mind going over when the all ireland finals are on (wot mths that in)..croke park init..always wanted to go there..anyways mate, take it easy ; )..Robbie..
..ps..footie on sunday..2-0 chelski..essien first scorer ima go for ..
..Good to read ya back to 70 and feeling a bit better in yaself..yeh thats it, north side of dubs..last time i saw dublin i was 6..so im well looking forward to going already..just gotta save sum sheckles up and we're on our way over..prob just after new year..if not then, then def next summer..i'll prob be there for 2 weeks so we'll def have time to link up and such..i wud'nt mind going over when the all ireland finals are on (wot mths that in)..croke park init..always wanted to go there..anyways mate, take it easy ; )..Robbie..
..ps..footie on sunday..2-0 chelski..essien first scorer ima go for ..
Rob..mate would be a pleasure and a mad one two Londoners meeting up in ol Dublin.The All Ireland match is usually in Sept.or so but theres plenty of good ruff&tumble gaelic matches all yr.Croke Park is a brilliant stadium a 80thou seater....class.
Just a snip of history mate until bout 2yrs ago the G.A.A...i.e Gaelic Ath.Association...outvoted a rule by were no member of the R.u.c ..or British Army could play Gaelic footie...or even a soccer match played on a Gaelic pitch..was a no no...but the Rep.of Ire....pull big gates even if there playing Andorra...but Landsdown rd. where all soccer or rugby matches used to be played is a big time relic...so the G.A.A have offered their services...worth millions...and Gaelic is a supposedly amatuer sport...money talks ..mate.
Take care Robbie.........Davey
Just a snip of history mate until bout 2yrs ago the G.A.A...i.e Gaelic Ath.Association...outvoted a rule by were no member of the R.u.c ..or British Army could play Gaelic footie...or even a soccer match played on a Gaelic pitch..was a no no...but the Rep.of Ire....pull big gates even if there playing Andorra...but Landsdown rd. where all soccer or rugby matches used to be played is a big time relic...so the G.A.A have offered their services...worth millions...and Gaelic is a supposedly amatuer sport...money talks ..mate.
Take care Robbie.........Davey
