Was reading the eulogies...all very eloquent....I especially understood when Robbie said he gave without anyone asking.....BUT took without asking too.
Oh, man aint that us in our addiction?
I've been going into these blind rages....I mean I stop, and think, and next thing you know I mean I should be commited....had a great day.....my friend, and I went to lunch...well, the other friend who brings my daughter home was obviously PO'd I was not here....I rang him, and he WENT OFF...saying I was out there again, and blah-be dah....of course I wasn't....I ain't needing that.
Then at dinner....my mom, and daughter were disgussing why I broke our phone....I said because I have tools to work with....I wasn't going to smack your mout....well I felt HELPLESS...to help my mom, and my daughter, they went on about it, and I said LOOK....I did what I did, and I don't no more...they looked stunned, and said we didn't mean that...then a big bruhaha broke out.
Well I smashed Hummel's, and welll it started with a light bulb, and progressed....I mean I broke big glass pieces, I went berserker, BAG!!!!!!!
What is that?
That is you going up into your head and you know what happens when we do that...we bump into furnature! Calm down sweetie! Deep breaths and be patient with the fam kiddo. I was a ball of emotion in the begining of recovery...the smallest thing would set we off sometimes. Let's try to deal with it...what get's your goat?....Why is it hard to walk away as opposed to reacting? Are you REALLY thinking things through first? Break it down and get to the root of what's really going on. Is it them...or...is it you!?! Whatever the case...I know you will rise above and face this with the same strength that you faced recovering from drugs with!
D!
D!
Bryn--if those were my hummels-I would have broke them a long time ago ;)--those little devils can be annoying!
FATMS-Question for you. You say walk away, I've got a question in that regard. I am in a relationship it's new barely a year. When ever he annoys me I walk away or go home or act busy for days at a time so as not to become overreactive as such. I don't think that is healthy either. Each time after I do that like today. I wonder if there isn't a better way to handle it both are extremes but what in your mind is a good way to handle those situations.
Hey Justjane,
Hmmm .....this is pretty broad so let's break it down. Instead of walking away have you tried to communicate in a calm leveled manner or is it past that point already?
Hmmm .....this is pretty broad so let's break it down. Instead of walking away have you tried to communicate in a calm leveled manner or is it past that point already?
..Bryn..
..Do you feel like you have,nt been given enough credit for getting and staying clean..and and maybe thinking what was the point in getting clean..i know we have to stop for ourselves first..but we also stop for our families aswell..is the trust issue a problem between you all..maybe you feel things you don,t want to say to them wotever they are..and you walk away as you know these things will come out if you stay and argue..and you smash stuff up instead..maybe when things are said..you are right they are wrong..they are right you are wrong...and that leads to your rages..do you feel like you want to visit your old life and smashing stuff is the only way you can rid the urges and your anger because thats a way of fighting off the demons..i could be wrong with everything i,ve said..but i say it as a friend..nuffin less..Robbie..
..Do you feel like you have,nt been given enough credit for getting and staying clean..and and maybe thinking what was the point in getting clean..i know we have to stop for ourselves first..but we also stop for our families aswell..is the trust issue a problem between you all..maybe you feel things you don,t want to say to them wotever they are..and you walk away as you know these things will come out if you stay and argue..and you smash stuff up instead..maybe when things are said..you are right they are wrong..they are right you are wrong...and that leads to your rages..do you feel like you want to visit your old life and smashing stuff is the only way you can rid the urges and your anger because thats a way of fighting off the demons..i could be wrong with everything i,ve said..but i say it as a friend..nuffin less..Robbie..
Lets see. Mostly I get annoyed because he is also a recovering addict he has been clean of his DOC for 10 years. But I think time must have dimmed the positive side of his nature. He can be so negative and he always talks bad about his ex wife. Admittedly she went way off the deep end about 2 years ago. He went through alot of abuse. (as odd as that sounds) He doesn't seem to let it go. I have told him it bugs me only after he goes on and on and on. I don't mind if he talks about past pains with the ex I understand that is part of letting go. But on and on it gets really old. Any way back to the point. . I have told him but I refuse to keep telling him and everytime it gets to that point I just take a leave of absense. I keep trying to decide if this is the relationship for me. Do I need that constant negativity? Am I being passive aggresive or am I taking time to decide?
...Or are you running from a choice you may have to make!?! Usually when we start asking questions we know the answers to...it's time to make some changes. Don't prolong the pain of a burden that is not yours to bare!
Just because the drugs are gone doesn't mean the addict isn't still there. Although he is clean he has not fully faced his reality and dealt with the things that pain him the most. He sounds like he needs to seek counseling to address those issues if he can't do it in a regular setting. It doesn't sound odd that he was abused, that is common place in addiction.
Just because the drugs are gone doesn't mean the addict isn't still there. Although he is clean he has not fully faced his reality and dealt with the things that pain him the most. He sounds like he needs to seek counseling to address those issues if he can't do it in a regular setting. It doesn't sound odd that he was abused, that is common place in addiction.
First of all thanks you guys....Jane I see where you are coming from...I would feel that way too...when he went on, and on.....his resentments.
No Robbie....my mom has been my rock....I mean there's times she'll come out of nowhere, and say "Look at you, look how I got the beautiful Bryn back, and honey I know it isn't easy for you"....my daughter on the other hand as I've relayed is really badly efected by what I did in my addiction....so actually it all started with her...in a way....sort of....first off the guy I went to lunch with is a recovering addict....he'd called, and my mom told him I was over at the bank...now this is not the type of guy to follow or check up on you....on the way over to get the money from the ATM for my mom....I had actually thought about it....I could take twenty outta here....get dope, and then feel better...lots of stress here between moving furniture from my grams...I mean I was a moving man for three days...not little stuff, but furniture...and I mean HEAVY, GOOD made stuff....jumping up in the truck, and handing down the stuff, and also carrying it in, and all....PLUS they took my old matress to throw away...and one of the guys looked at it, and were like "WHOA"....BURN HOLES all over, and through all that protective covering....ya know when you're in a nod....I just said to the guy "Don't do drugs"....my Uncle said that has to be from a few years ago...right...I said absolutely, and it was...still though I think WOW I could have burned the house down....so #1 there GUILT.
Then Oprah was on...I was too busy going through cartons of all this crap...and I heard my mom tell her....TURN IT OFF....passing by I did hear something about addiction....but here it was about victims of child sexual abuse....and then the consequence that alot of these people become addicts.
Although I was super busy...I asked my daughter what was wrong...NOTHING...I just firgured TEEN....next time I come down for more boxes my mom is being stern with her...which she NEVER is....I broke the phone the other day instead of knocking her teeth out...she must have listened in on the convo...WHIC I DO NOT do with her....I was telling my girlfriend that's why she couldn't hear me right...so my daughter is wah, wahing to my mom like a smart a**....see it's MY FAULT she broke the phone.
I asked NOW WHAT....They're looking at me afraid to answer....my mom is like she's afraid to tell you anything....well she tells me everything EXCEPT drug stuff...so I was standing there with the half working phone, and I calmly said "I need for you to tell me how you feel"....I got a teen look....then my mom starts yapping....and I lost it.....I threw the phone....see now this is when I get afraid!!
Throwing it wasn't good enough....I jumped up, and down on it, and then I moved on to the kitchen I smashed glasses, and cups......by this time I didn't care what I broke or who's it was, but somewhere I still have respect for others belongings....now they're huddled on the couch cringing....I WOULD NEVER HURT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING....well the cringing made me more pissed...I went into my own room, and I had super human strength...I took those old 50's shadow box things with mirrors, and my favorite collectibles, and tore it off the wall...I proceeded to bust every expensive thing I saved to collect...like target practice....ya see I go mad....part of it is I WANT HEROIN....cause if I was high I'd have said "Knock it off, and be quiet".....I came down, and I mean I went NUTS....I couldb't see like it was black, and all I could do is take all these collectibles, and break them...I couldn't stop it.....we have three huge trashbags now out front full of glass.
Then walks in my ex....all calm...my two chicks are now sobbing...he comes up, and says "What are you doing? Calm down". He doesn't know about the heroin, but knows once I start in a rage I can be homicidal.....he's talking to me like I am ten....his face was SHOCKED at everything I broke.....he goes "Come on we're going to the mental health facility, Bryn this is not normal"...pfffffff.
Like he'd know he;s a bachelor....and has no guilt...to be guilty about...we come down stairs, and he says we all have to talk...what is going on here is not normal....well neither is HE....but I kept my mouth shut....HE cleaned up most of the glass which took about an hour....and I'd here him say to my mom "She broke THIS?????"....like expensive sentimental stuff....so he says "Come on you need MEDICATION".....he ain't no Doctor....I DON'T NEED MEDICATION..
Been there, done it and wound uo worse.....actually he said come her, and let me hug you....we never were affectionate even when we were married....and he's hugging me saying.....you can't do this to our daughter....it's effecting her.
Well, here's another GREAT thing.....he was never around for the hard parts where our child had constant ear infections, and four sets of tubes in, and he doesn't have to deal with the drama...HE GOES HOME....I can't....this is my home.....so now that infuriated me...I held my tongue.
The ONE God sent thing happened.....was the guy who took me to lunch has 9 months today actually.....clean....I had no idea why he called because we just saw eachother....I was sobbing....and he goes "I just had a feeling I had to call"
He was so right.....I explain, and he siad "That's your mom, and daughter's home, and people deserve to feel safe in their own home"....he was like I hear ya, but you need to get to a meeting....OH YEAH THAT'LL HELP while my ex is here, and my mom's having palpatations.....I mean I definately would have went, but right then we all needed to discuss this...I couldn't just leave...first of all they'd have followed me, and I do NOT want my ex to know about my addiction. ....secondly if I wasn't here it'd been a "It's that crazy Bryn's ways, and she needs to be commited"....so I wasn't going with my friend, but he really helped ALOT....lent a kind ear, and offered me encouragement......PLUS THE BIG ONE...he said "You're an excellent mom. Look how you needed to be back from lunch for when your kid came home"....that meant alot to me.
Bottom line then is....WHAT DO I DO.....can't get rid of the condescending ex husband.....and actually he's a great guy, but he also got to go home to the quiet and watch TV.....while I'm here with mom, and daughter.....so big whoop he has NO idea.
I am so done....it's not even I want to use like when Robbie said his son got in trouble....it's though a thought as to where "Well if I was copping dope I wouldn't have flipped out"....I'da been like whatever...so I think that way is the better way....although my mom said "I rather you smasch everything in this house before ever gain getting those drugs".....that helped too.
Now this morning though....my mom says "I think you need to go to ---. They can help you there....oh yeah a psych hospital...I said "Look you want me outta your house because I scare you.....I can stay with people...she started crying, and said "NO I want you to be happy, and I hate to see you in this pain"....it was really about me....I don't need med's....had em all in the past....did the counseling, and psych Doctors...nobody can really help.
My ex husband though called real early this morning, and said...."I think you have PTSD.....and that lous, filthy creep that raped you is buried....you're making us pay for it...and I know I am, and that why I'm hysterical crying still.
I didn't want it to surface on my loved ones....it always does though....my ex said well he was successful...not only did he screw YOU uo, but it carried onto your family...they suffer it...NOT HIM.
What do I do guys...what do I do.......once I bust up that first thing I can't stop.
Where do I go....how do I finally have my one friend shut the F up, and how will I ever, ever...make thi sup to my mom, and daughter.....how do I get the freak, pedophile back now that he;s dead.....how can I be normal?
No Robbie....my mom has been my rock....I mean there's times she'll come out of nowhere, and say "Look at you, look how I got the beautiful Bryn back, and honey I know it isn't easy for you"....my daughter on the other hand as I've relayed is really badly efected by what I did in my addiction....so actually it all started with her...in a way....sort of....first off the guy I went to lunch with is a recovering addict....he'd called, and my mom told him I was over at the bank...now this is not the type of guy to follow or check up on you....on the way over to get the money from the ATM for my mom....I had actually thought about it....I could take twenty outta here....get dope, and then feel better...lots of stress here between moving furniture from my grams...I mean I was a moving man for three days...not little stuff, but furniture...and I mean HEAVY, GOOD made stuff....jumping up in the truck, and handing down the stuff, and also carrying it in, and all....PLUS they took my old matress to throw away...and one of the guys looked at it, and were like "WHOA"....BURN HOLES all over, and through all that protective covering....ya know when you're in a nod....I just said to the guy "Don't do drugs"....my Uncle said that has to be from a few years ago...right...I said absolutely, and it was...still though I think WOW I could have burned the house down....so #1 there GUILT.
Then Oprah was on...I was too busy going through cartons of all this crap...and I heard my mom tell her....TURN IT OFF....passing by I did hear something about addiction....but here it was about victims of child sexual abuse....and then the consequence that alot of these people become addicts.
Although I was super busy...I asked my daughter what was wrong...NOTHING...I just firgured TEEN....next time I come down for more boxes my mom is being stern with her...which she NEVER is....I broke the phone the other day instead of knocking her teeth out...she must have listened in on the convo...WHIC I DO NOT do with her....I was telling my girlfriend that's why she couldn't hear me right...so my daughter is wah, wahing to my mom like a smart a**....see it's MY FAULT she broke the phone.
I asked NOW WHAT....They're looking at me afraid to answer....my mom is like she's afraid to tell you anything....well she tells me everything EXCEPT drug stuff...so I was standing there with the half working phone, and I calmly said "I need for you to tell me how you feel"....I got a teen look....then my mom starts yapping....and I lost it.....I threw the phone....see now this is when I get afraid!!
Throwing it wasn't good enough....I jumped up, and down on it, and then I moved on to the kitchen I smashed glasses, and cups......by this time I didn't care what I broke or who's it was, but somewhere I still have respect for others belongings....now they're huddled on the couch cringing....I WOULD NEVER HURT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING....well the cringing made me more pissed...I went into my own room, and I had super human strength...I took those old 50's shadow box things with mirrors, and my favorite collectibles, and tore it off the wall...I proceeded to bust every expensive thing I saved to collect...like target practice....ya see I go mad....part of it is I WANT HEROIN....cause if I was high I'd have said "Knock it off, and be quiet".....I came down, and I mean I went NUTS....I couldb't see like it was black, and all I could do is take all these collectibles, and break them...I couldn't stop it.....we have three huge trashbags now out front full of glass.
Then walks in my ex....all calm...my two chicks are now sobbing...he comes up, and says "What are you doing? Calm down". He doesn't know about the heroin, but knows once I start in a rage I can be homicidal.....he's talking to me like I am ten....his face was SHOCKED at everything I broke.....he goes "Come on we're going to the mental health facility, Bryn this is not normal"...pfffffff.
Like he'd know he;s a bachelor....and has no guilt...to be guilty about...we come down stairs, and he says we all have to talk...what is going on here is not normal....well neither is HE....but I kept my mouth shut....HE cleaned up most of the glass which took about an hour....and I'd here him say to my mom "She broke THIS?????"....like expensive sentimental stuff....so he says "Come on you need MEDICATION".....he ain't no Doctor....I DON'T NEED MEDICATION..
Been there, done it and wound uo worse.....actually he said come her, and let me hug you....we never were affectionate even when we were married....and he's hugging me saying.....you can't do this to our daughter....it's effecting her.
Well, here's another GREAT thing.....he was never around for the hard parts where our child had constant ear infections, and four sets of tubes in, and he doesn't have to deal with the drama...HE GOES HOME....I can't....this is my home.....so now that infuriated me...I held my tongue.
The ONE God sent thing happened.....was the guy who took me to lunch has 9 months today actually.....clean....I had no idea why he called because we just saw eachother....I was sobbing....and he goes "I just had a feeling I had to call"
He was so right.....I explain, and he siad "That's your mom, and daughter's home, and people deserve to feel safe in their own home"....he was like I hear ya, but you need to get to a meeting....OH YEAH THAT'LL HELP while my ex is here, and my mom's having palpatations.....I mean I definately would have went, but right then we all needed to discuss this...I couldn't just leave...first of all they'd have followed me, and I do NOT want my ex to know about my addiction. ....secondly if I wasn't here it'd been a "It's that crazy Bryn's ways, and she needs to be commited"....so I wasn't going with my friend, but he really helped ALOT....lent a kind ear, and offered me encouragement......PLUS THE BIG ONE...he said "You're an excellent mom. Look how you needed to be back from lunch for when your kid came home"....that meant alot to me.
Bottom line then is....WHAT DO I DO.....can't get rid of the condescending ex husband.....and actually he's a great guy, but he also got to go home to the quiet and watch TV.....while I'm here with mom, and daughter.....so big whoop he has NO idea.
I am so done....it's not even I want to use like when Robbie said his son got in trouble....it's though a thought as to where "Well if I was copping dope I wouldn't have flipped out"....I'da been like whatever...so I think that way is the better way....although my mom said "I rather you smasch everything in this house before ever gain getting those drugs".....that helped too.
Now this morning though....my mom says "I think you need to go to ---. They can help you there....oh yeah a psych hospital...I said "Look you want me outta your house because I scare you.....I can stay with people...she started crying, and said "NO I want you to be happy, and I hate to see you in this pain"....it was really about me....I don't need med's....had em all in the past....did the counseling, and psych Doctors...nobody can really help.
My ex husband though called real early this morning, and said...."I think you have PTSD.....and that lous, filthy creep that raped you is buried....you're making us pay for it...and I know I am, and that why I'm hysterical crying still.
I didn't want it to surface on my loved ones....it always does though....my ex said well he was successful...not only did he screw YOU uo, but it carried onto your family...they suffer it...NOT HIM.
What do I do guys...what do I do.......once I bust up that first thing I can't stop.
Where do I go....how do I finally have my one friend shut the F up, and how will I ever, ever...make thi sup to my mom, and daughter.....how do I get the freak, pedophile back now that he;s dead.....how can I be normal?
Oh Bryn, sorry to hear that things are so rough right now. You have such a good heart! Maybe you should see a therapist and try some meds short term just to help you get through this. Your family will forgive you as long as you take some steps to get it under control. Please don't give up your sobriety--that will just make everything worse. Just remember that you are loved here and you are a really goo person!
Awwww......guest the fact you even read that rant is humbling to me...thank you so much.....I definately haven't used, and I won't.
Your kindness is appreciated...thank you.
Your kindness is appreciated...thank you.
I am A newly recovering herion addict and i understand rage- but I choose to pray and go to AA and NA meetings to restore me to sanity- have you tried that?
