Board Jealous Husband

My husband is forever jealous of anything I do. He wants my attention on him and only him. I haven't told him of my relaspe problem yet, (chicken) but I did tell him I found this message board and how much it has been helping deal with my addiction. He has now started in on how I must be talking to a man to be spending so much time on here. He is intolerable. He is going to blow up when i tell him bout my relaspe and how I want to see an addiction specialist. I know you can do sub at home, but I really think I need the 5 or so days detox in a facility. That would mean him taking care of my mother which I don't think he will do and my attention would be on me getting better. I just don't know how to handle this situation. I'm scared if I tell him and I'm scared if I don't. You would think he would be happy bout me finding support on this board, but no not him "I must be trying to cheat". Has anybody ever had the internet jealous husband or am I the only one with the "crazy" husband?
Rhonda, When I first found this board my husband didn't like the fact I was spending alot of my time here. He was curious about what I was doing. I tried to explain to him about the board but then I found it easier to just show him. After that he has even posted here. He knows the link for the board and is welcome to view it or post anytime. You will find in time as you move forward in your recovery that you won't spend as much time here as you will be out enjoying your new life without pills. Shantel
Rhonda,
When you do talk to him tell him that without his support its going to be hard on everybody, because if your not sure he's taking care of your mom, then its going to be hard to keep the attention on you and thats what your going to need to do.
Roe
I'm at Tasha's, thats why I have a different screename
Thanks. I have told him that He can look at what this board is about and to please trust me b/c right now I need this. He said no he trusts me, but then he made the "man" comment. I do know that if he wishes to read my posts then he will find out that I have relasped, (which soon I have to tell him) but If that is what it takes to show him that this is all about recovery then i will just let him read em. I guess thats one way to tell him LOL
Oh, hi roe! Seems like I haven't talked to you in a while. It's good to see a post from you. I believe you were the first person to post to me when i joined here and made me feel very welcomed. Hope you are doing well.
well - here i go again. oh gosh - please bear with me, (the last time i posted this was to stace, about a year ago - and anyone else who has read this before) as i plagarize myself for the fourth time now, because basically i'm lazy and don't feel like typing this all out again. i know, i know - a shortcoming of mine, which i address daily. in a my message posted on this board a few 24 hours, i am reposting to you, rhonda. i hope i get the name changed correctly, but then again, sometimes the cheese falls off of my cracker! * * * and this is new to this message - my husband was not an addict; however, there is a lot in this message if you will hear me out that i hope will help.

good evening to you, sweet rhonda - my goodness - a novella - didn't mean to get so wordy here but here goes.

it was kind of difficult for me to successfully "shuffle off to buffalo" when i didn't have my tap shoes on! with that being said, there are a lot of "dances" in life that i find myself involved in. my old solution was to use - to blot myself out -because i always found myself in the precarious situation of standing there with two left feet - not sure of myself or what foot to put in the right direction. it wasn't comfortable and good grief, i didn't want to be uncomfortable. more oft than not, the only time i ever opened my mouth was to change feet! didn't leave too good of a taste in my mouth, or anyone else's palate for that much!

one of the best lessons i learned early on in recovery came from a book titled "the dance of anger". it is authored by dr. harriet lerner. i found it in my local county library, but know it can be purchased online. something dr. lerner points out in this book is a premise that we all learned in the 5th or 6th grade science class. it has to do with one of the laws of science that sir isaac newton coined - i believe it's the second law of motion. to paraphrase, it goes something like this:

with every change, it is met with a counterchange.

wow! knock my socks off! did this law just apply to things like matter, force, electrons, protons, and fig newtons (that happens to be one of my favorite lines from an old amos and andy reel - anybody here remember amos and andy?) OR could the premise of this law apply to things such as relationships - relationships between family members, friends, and society in general that i found myself interacting with?

one of the first times i got clean (i was a chronic relapser), i remember my husband looking at me with a wary eye. first off - the old goof had it in his mind that all i had to do was stop using and everything would be rosey. you just stop the drug and we will return to a life of oblivion and bliss. NOT!

here i was going to an outpatient group - going to meetings and all of sudden, like a bolt out of the blue, he was saying things like "whaddaya think i am, a babysitter?" or "are you going out with your new party friends again tonight?" or "what's so funny? i haven't seen you laugh so hard since you were high?"

huh?

did i miss something here?

a party? a babysitter for your own children? i'm not suppose to laugh while in a clean state of mind?

golly gee, wally - i was only trying to recover from the deadly disease of addiction but i didn't understand how to handle the situation, rhonda. (let me wallow in this self-pity and victimhood for a few 24 hours) i found myself standing there with two left feet - tripping and stumbling all over the place and pretty soon, my frustrations built into resentments. while carrying around those resentments, i resorted to behavior that was comfortable. i quit going to meetings, quit going to IOP, quit my support system for the recovery from this disease. i had already relapsed and it was just a short matter of time that i completed the relapse by picking up and using. how dare you or anyone put me in a state where i was uncomfortable! wheweeee - my resentments took me right back out of all i was trying to achieve.

yet what i didn't understand back then - and it took me quite a few 24 hours to learn this, is that this disease of addiction...this disease does not discriminate. not only does the affect the one who is the user - it affects our family members, our friends, and all those who we come into contact with. our family members, bless their hearts, probably more so than others. if you check out the big book you will see how profoundly this disease affects our family - there's a entire freakin' chapter devoted to this.

anyhoot - to make a long story short - the science lesson in all of this was that as i was seeking ways to change the things i could about me, through my changes, it subtly nudged those closest to me to see the things within themselves that they needed to change. ouchy! (whaddya mean i need to change something? i am not the addict!) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are going to another meeting tonight - leave us home here by ourselves? it didn't use to be like this) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean taking a nap in the middle of the day? this is how you acted when you were using! (i'm not entitled to a rest when my body has been in overdrive?))... change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are not going to answer me? you are going to walk away until you give yourself time to respond in a loving way instead of anger? maybe i'll just goad you enough until you feel as uncomfortable about all of this as i do!) change/counterchange...the list goes ad infinitum and ad nauseum, rhonda. i bet anyone here who has embraced recovery can cite you any number of behaviors that we face with our loved ones when embracing change.

i will leave you with something that was said to me by a very wise woman (sponsor) about my resentments and how to handle them. she said:

"sammy, the best way to avenge your resentments is to stay in recovery!"

wow - now how simple is that? there was a time when i found that i had to seek outside help, rhonda. outside of the rooms of the 12 steps. the insight and tools i received while in counseling were immeasurable help to what i was learning in the rooms. and all of this took some work. like my husband's thoughts, there was a time when i thought - hey - you have put those pills down, everything must get better. it didn't get better until i started to go to the lengths that i needed to and change what i could that i began to feel my spirit awake. and when i allowed people who were close to me, address their own stuff and change what they could, i was blessed with realizing the spirit awakening in my loved ones.

these spiritual awakenings didn't come to me overnight or the witnessing of a burning bush. it took time and whole lot of work. and this happened with my family members too - and the time and work it took wasn't always pretty. heck - my spirit is still awakening and i pray that never stops. it's a daily process. give yourself the gifts of patience and time, rhonda, and the available resources that are out there to help you in your journey of your spirit. try some new steps - 12 i might add. *wink, wink* you might find your dance a little easier - a little softer - a little more comfortable as you glide across the floor.

remember, rhonda - change/counterchange - it's a law of science. it's going to happen whether you want it to or not. and on that same note, also remember my new friend - if nothing changes, nothing changes.

* * * ding, ding, ding, ding, ding...another new entry to this message if you're still with me - why change? only by working to develop and redefine the self in our key relationships can we really increase our capacity for intimacy. there is, quite simply, no other way. in our rapidly changing society we can count on only two things that will never change. what will never change is the will to change and the fear of change. it is the will to change that motivates us to seek help. it is the fear of change that motivates us to resist the very help we seek.

hugs and tons of encouragement to you!

and hey - thanks for letting me share.

namaste' ~

sammy
user posted image
Sammy.......You must be a writer or if not you should be. That was wonderful and inspirational! I've read some of your post since I joined the board and they are poetic and encouraging! I appreciate you taking the time to write that to me and it definately does not fall on deaf ears (or eyes as the case my be)!! Thanks agian.
Maybe this is the little push you've been waiting for Rhonda...tell him you relapsed and then ask him to read this board. I'm sure that after reading a few posts, he'll get that you aren't alone in your disease and that's it very serious that he pay attention and help you. Can't hurt?
Dear Rhonda:

One point - I know how hard this may sound - to beat this(hopefully, I'm always afraid to say I have beat it completely), you have to put yourself first, that's not being selfish.

You will better serve others of you look after and do what's best for yourself.
I felt so guilty that my sons and husband would worry about me in rehab - but I heard it over and over again, THINK ABOUT YOURSELF - even heard this from my sons. I think it finally sunk in.

Funny, I talked with one therapist while there one on one a few times and I didn't even notice what I was saying - he said "I wish I had a collar to put around your neck and e'time you say I feel, that it would shock you" I was saying that I felt my family would be better off w/o me, that I felt I was a bother, etc.

Get tough and get as much as you can out in therapy, rehab.
It so helps to talk about it and you will be helping others who may be afraid to speak up.

Love and best wishes,
Becky Jean
Jealousy is a sign of ones OWN insecurities.

Relationships are tough under normal circumstance...through addiction into the mix and there you have a real good stew.

It is my guess that he is insecure about other things before this forum...get clean first and then start to deal with your marital issues.

When getting clean one has to be completely selfish.

Just my opinion.
All of you guys are right and I know this!! Please just keep praying I get the courage to tell him b/c I really think I should do what Becky did or if that isn't possible atleast be able to do the sub at home and I have to tell him to do that as well. I want it guys. I'm terrified. You don't know how much strength you've given so far just to be tapering like i have. I know that's not going to work b/c I will end up back like I do everytime. i have to do something different to expect change. Thanks for your support
Lisa....that is a great idea and I will soon as I get the courage. You have encouraged me from day one to tell him and I thank you for that. i know you must be disappointed that I haven't yet, but you still keep encouraging me in a positive way. You are the best! I am very glad i met you.

Kee Kee....You are correct in saying there were issues before the cyberspace
Still he has alwys been this way bout everything I do. Good Catch on that!
Rhonda...getting honest...real honest is where the real recovery begins. This is real hard...I know when I got clean...I had to be completely honest with all of those in my inner circle. It is crucial to recovery...."you are only as sick as your secrets".

No shame in addiction.....society on the whole is changing and looking at addiction as a disease and an illness that has real treatment options...no so much as a "morality" issue. Slowly it is changing...very slowly.

It is very hard work and exhausting to keep up the charade of being "normal" I suspect you will find great relief in finally being able to talk about your addiction.

Tell any and everyone that will listen...even some that don't....your friends, doctors, family members...you have to get real selfish in recovery..especially the early stages! Protect it with all you have in you.
Rhonda:

You can do it!

I have complete faith in you. You said you want it - I remember I wanted it so bad I could taste it.

You've got the fever to be free from the drugs and if needed, him, too.

Control, I think my husband tried and probably did control me more while I was taking the Lortabs. I felt like I was such a horrible person.

Go for it.

Can't wait to hear you're next step.

Love, Becky
Becky... I am going to finally call the nummbers i got form the sub website and get all the info i need then I am going to tell him of my plan. I'm hoping that He will see that im serious bout getting clean from the research i've done, the board I've joined, and the plan I've made. Then I'm going to have him read these posts i've made and start getting the treatment i need.

Now, I Know this isn't bout him. I do have to get selfish even if that means going on without him. He can get on board with me or jump ship, either way I WANT TO GET CLEAN AND STAY THAT WAY!!!

That's my plan and I am executing it as soon as I can. I do have to get my mother taken care of and make my kids understand. My kids are my life and I am the same way you are I feel like they would be better off without me being a screw-up. I'm just gona hate to see the disappointment in their eyes when i'm completely honest with them, but I want to be honest with them. i want them to know that I can be a mother they can be proud of and one that doesn't need pills to just get out of bed everyday. Even though they have no clue what I've been going thru the past 3 years. They are proud of me now, b/c I am always there for them, but they will soon find out that w/o pills i couldn't have been there for them. I believe they will understand, but it will be a shock to them. But that isn't what i'm most afraid of. My husband fills that position! Every day i grow more stronger and feel like i might be able to tell him. Before i joined this board, i swore to myself i would never tell him. I would get off em and he would ever know the wiser. I know now in just a week's time here that for me to recover and stay clean I have to tell him and get the appropriate help I need. i have everyone here to thank for that. Please pray that I fullfill my plan and tell him soon!! Thank you becky!!!

Becky....I appreciate your honestly and sharing all that you have with me. And yes, i want it so bad that I can taste it as well!!!!!!
Sweetie:

As you get into the 1st few days, you will feel stronger and stronger and KNOW that this is more for your children than for you. I did some major crying on the phone with my sons - but they wanted their Mother back - and they are grown - I really didn't think they needed me anymore but it feels good to know I am - My 33 yr old called me about a promotion and made a point of telling me that he was telling me first. My youngest called me first to tell me he passed his fire truck driving test. They don't know how much that meant to me - I feel needed. This empty nested thing is not what it's cracked up to be - you will have years of your children at home and you will be there with them - REALLY be there.
I know we are to think of ourselves first - but.....


I am so proud of you, you are throwing caution to the wind and jumping in -

Do it!!!!

Much love, I cna't wait.
Becky
Rhonda darlin, it's not about me and being disappointed in you. It's about me seeing myself in you 3 years ago. Honey, I know what you're feeling right now and I know how much all of this sucks. But at some point we have to face the music, put our big girl shoes on and do what's right in order to help ourselves. The unknown is scary as hell but until you do this, all you will feel is torture. I hate that for you.

xxxooo
Lisa...All i can say to that is YOU'RE RIGHT!
In case no one has told you they love you today Rhonda...consider yourself told. Big hugs.
Lisa..Thanks so much and no....nobody has told me that. Were you born to be an honest, caring, supportive person? If not, you've still conqured that very well. 3 years clean huh? That is music to my ears!!! Lisa where are you from if you don't mind me asking? I so wish it was down here in the boonedocks cause I could really use a friend like you close by!! How is Roe doing? havent't heard from her today. Hope she is doing well!