Hi everyone ,from time to time at meetings ,and at the meeting after the meeting,I listen to people talk about puting up boundaries in there recovery,and I personally beleive this is growth and maturity.So I would like to hear other peoples opinions on Boundaries,has this been a necassary part of recovery for you ,or you don't beleive it's important."I had someone suggest to me once that maybe I should let some boundaries down rather than put them up." That's also worked for me!
Like I said It would be good to hear your opinions.
Hear is something I read on Boundaries Which I beleive is good reading.
Boundaries are limits that say: "This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or will not do for you. This is what I will not tolerate from you."
Most of us began relationships with boundaries. We had certain expectations, and we entertained certain ideas about what we would or would not tolerate from those people. Alcoholism and other compulsive disorders laugh in the face of limits. The diseases not only push on our boundaries, they step boldly across them. Each time the disease pushes or steps across our limits we give in. We move our boundaries back, giving the disease more room to work. As the disease pushes more, we give in more until we are tolerating things we said we would never tolerate and doing things we said we would never do. Later, this process of "increased tolerance" of inappropriate behaviors may reverse. We may become totally intolerant of even the most human behaviors. In the beginning, we make excuses for a person's inappropriate behavior; toward the end, there is no excuse.
Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy, and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further: convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve. We may become so familiar with the verbal abuse and disrespectful treatment that we do not even recognize when these things are happening. But deep down inside, an important part of us knows. Our selves know and will tell us if we will listen. Sometimes living with subtle problems, such as a nondrinking alcoholic who is not in any recovery program, can be harder on our selves than the more blatant problems. We sense something is wrong. We start feeling crazy, but we can not understand why because we can not identify the problem.
Codependents need boundaries. We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for people. We need to set limits on what we will allow people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries. It will help them and us. I am not suggesting we become tyrants. I also advise against absolute inflexibility, but we can understand our limits. As we grow and change, we may want to change our boundaries too. Here are some expamples of boundaries common to codependents who are recovering.:
I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.
I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.
I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse or other irresponsible behavior.
I will not finance a person's alcoholism or other irresponsible behavior.
I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism.
I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics.
If you want to act crazy that is your business, but you can not do it in from of me. Either you leave or I will walk away.
You can spoil your fun, your day, your life--that is your business--but I will not let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.
Sometimes it is necessary to set a certain boundary that applies to a particular relationship, such as, "I will not baby-sit Mary Lou's children anymore, because I do not want to and she takes advantage of me in that area."
Set boundaries, but make sure they are our boundaries. The things we are sick of, can not stand, and make threats about, may be clues to some boundaries we need to set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves. Mean what we say, and say what we mean. People may get angry at us for setting boudaries; they can not use us anymore. They may try to help us feel guilty so we will remove our boudary and return to the old system of letting them use or abuse you. Do not feel guilty and do not back down. We can stick to our boundaries and enforce them. Be consistent. We will probably be tested more than once on every boundary we set. People do that to see if we are serious, especially if we have not meant what we said in the past. As codependents, we have made many empty threats. We lose our level of tolerance, so the pendulum does not swing too far to either extreme.
Some codependents, particularly those of us in the latter stages of a relationship with an alcoholic, may find we have a difficult time setting and enforcing limits with children, as well as with troubled adults in our lives. Setting limits takes time and thought; enforcing limits takes energy and consistency.
But boundaries are worth ever bit of time, energy, and thought required to set and enforce them. Ultimately, they will provide us with more time and energy.
From the book Codenpendent No More by Melody Beattie
God bless LionelC
Good morning to All
EXCHANGE VOCABULARY © By: Robert F. Sarmiento, PhD. Upset feelings are usually caused by the way we are thinking about what is happening, not the events themselves. To change your feelings (and your behaviour), try the following "exchange vocabulary." This idea was given to me by a client, who related it to an exchange list for unhealthy foods. When you first try this new way of thinking, it might not feel right. The more you do it, however, the more natural these realistic beliefs will become. I think you will like the results, but prove it for yourself by giving it a fair try. Good luck'
Word Exchange Table
Instead of thinking.Try thinking:
MustPrefer
ShouldChoose To
Have To..Want
Can'tChoose Not To
Ought..Had Better
All.Many
Always.Often
Can't Stand.Don't Like
AwfulHighly Undesirable
Bad Person.Bad Behaviour
I am a Failure.I Failed At
Here are some examples:
Instead of SayingExchange With:
I have to do well..I want to do well.
You shouldn't do that.I prefer you not do that.
You never help me.You rarely help me.
I can't stand my jobI don't like my job.
You are a bad boy.That behaviour is undesirable.
I'm a loserI failed at this one task.
I need love...I want love, but don't need it.
God bless LionelC
EXCHANGE VOCABULARY © By: Robert F. Sarmiento, PhD. Upset feelings are usually caused by the way we are thinking about what is happening, not the events themselves. To change your feelings (and your behaviour), try the following "exchange vocabulary." This idea was given to me by a client, who related it to an exchange list for unhealthy foods. When you first try this new way of thinking, it might not feel right. The more you do it, however, the more natural these realistic beliefs will become. I think you will like the results, but prove it for yourself by giving it a fair try. Good luck'
Word Exchange Table
Instead of thinking.Try thinking:
MustPrefer
ShouldChoose To
Have To..Want
Can'tChoose Not To
Ought..Had Better
All.Many
Always.Often
Can't Stand.Don't Like
AwfulHighly Undesirable
Bad Person.Bad Behaviour
I am a Failure.I Failed At
Here are some examples:
Instead of SayingExchange With:
I have to do well..I want to do well.
You shouldn't do that.I prefer you not do that.
You never help me.You rarely help me.
I can't stand my jobI don't like my job.
You are a bad boy.That behaviour is undesirable.
I'm a loserI failed at this one task.
I need love...I want love, but don't need it.
God bless LionelC
Keep It Simple and simply you'll keep it.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is the:
Emotional and physical space between you and another person.
Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.
Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically, and/or sexually abused.
Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.
Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness, and autonomy in the process.
Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel, or act.
Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.
God bless all
What is a boundary?
A boundary is the:
Emotional and physical space between you and another person.
Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.
Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically, and/or sexually abused.
Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.
Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness, and autonomy in the process.
Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel, or act.
Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.
God bless all
