I have never done this. I don't know much about alcohol abuse or relapsing or what I should do. I have been seeing this man for a year and a half. He was sober for 14 years, when his marriage went bad both he and his wife started drinking again. that was a few years before we met. He told me this about six months into our relationship. We are both divorced. I told him I didn't like him drunk and thought he had a problem. He cut back, it didn't work. He told me about the 14 years and he quit. It lasted three months. I stopped seeing him and he quit and he was sober for seven months this time. He was drunk the other day and I told him we were done for now.
Yikes. I know there is a family and friends place here, but I wanted the opinions of you guys/girls. The ones doing the hardest work. I have read the 12 steps and visited al anon websites and am good at taking care of myself first. I love the guy like crazy, but will not put up with this bs. Should i talk to him on the phone, or not even that? Should I see him if he is going to meetings or give him some weeks or months or just call it quits? How often do people get sober and stay that way? Where are the lines of helping/enabling/tough love/support/simple kindness? For now I told him he could call me once a week while he was not drinking and getting help, but not at all if he was. I miss him so badly my arms ache. Any suggestions?
Hi my name is deborah and I am an alcoholic I think the best thing for you to do is get in touch with AA it will be in your local Directory and they will give you numbers of alanon groups that is your best bet.
I know were not easy people when we drink .
good luck Deborah x
I know were not easy people when we drink .
good luck Deborah x
Hi,
If you do carry on seeing him, you have to be prepared to take his sickness on board too. It comes with him.
You sound pretty strong though, just don't put up with any nonsense, and don't loose yourself in sympathy!
Let him own his problems, don't try and solve them for him - you never will.
Good luck,
Love Lacey.
If you do carry on seeing him, you have to be prepared to take his sickness on board too. It comes with him.
You sound pretty strong though, just don't put up with any nonsense, and don't loose yourself in sympathy!
Let him own his problems, don't try and solve them for him - you never will.
Good luck,
Love Lacey.
Sad as it sounds, it's not your decision to make. It's his. Ultimatums don't work and, in my experience, have the opposite result. Education in understanding the effects of the addiction work, but he's gotta want to do it. You can't fix it. This one's on him.
Gidday Lenore
Only you can decide what you want and the big question is trust.
If you decide to go then you just have to mend your heart with time.
If you decide to stay and have contact then you have to deal with all the emotions, the fear and the lack of trust, forget about his b/s and if you truely are up for the journey go to alanon to help you and also get support.
Each time he is late......is he drinkiing
If he stammers....has he been drinking
If he trips while walking.......Is he drinking etc etc
Trust or lack of it will do your head in if you have no support and yes a lack of trust is warranted at times and only He can get back on track and it sounds like he knows how to.
He just needs to want it again more than alcohol.
Good luck Lenore whatever way you go.
Light and love Zac
Only you can decide what you want and the big question is trust.
If you decide to go then you just have to mend your heart with time.
If you decide to stay and have contact then you have to deal with all the emotions, the fear and the lack of trust, forget about his b/s and if you truely are up for the journey go to alanon to help you and also get support.
Each time he is late......is he drinkiing
If he stammers....has he been drinking
If he trips while walking.......Is he drinking etc etc
Trust or lack of it will do your head in if you have no support and yes a lack of trust is warranted at times and only He can get back on track and it sounds like he knows how to.
He just needs to want it again more than alcohol.
Good luck Lenore whatever way you go.
Light and love Zac
Lennore,
I was sober for 10 months and I met a woman about 3 months into it, but we didn't date for a long while because I knew that I wasn't ready. Once I was ready, we got serious and fell deeply in love. We have been dating for about 6 months now and I relasped. She fell in love with me when I was a strong, sober man. I was hiding my drinking and not getting away with it. ie: she knew. She has stuck with me and if she hadn't I don't know where I would be right now. If you truelly love him, please talk to him. He probably feels very alone and he may be out drinking even more. I am not saying that you should run back to him, but it may help his spirits if you would give him a chance. Love cannot cure addiction, however support from loved ones, especially you will help him way more than you can imagine. Us recovering alcoholics have a lot of baggage, so I hope that you are ready to help carry it. I know that it can still work, but it is probably worse if you just ignore him.
LL
I was sober for 10 months and I met a woman about 3 months into it, but we didn't date for a long while because I knew that I wasn't ready. Once I was ready, we got serious and fell deeply in love. We have been dating for about 6 months now and I relasped. She fell in love with me when I was a strong, sober man. I was hiding my drinking and not getting away with it. ie: she knew. She has stuck with me and if she hadn't I don't know where I would be right now. If you truelly love him, please talk to him. He probably feels very alone and he may be out drinking even more. I am not saying that you should run back to him, but it may help his spirits if you would give him a chance. Love cannot cure addiction, however support from loved ones, especially you will help him way more than you can imagine. Us recovering alcoholics have a lot of baggage, so I hope that you are ready to help carry it. I know that it can still work, but it is probably worse if you just ignore him.
LL
Thanks so much for the replies. The one from lovin'life really hit home. It has been one week and I have talked to him and so far he is not drinking. He seems to want to know if there is a chance for us. He has spoken with his parents and siblings and children and told them he relapsed but was going to get help. He has gone to one meeting and says he will go to counseling.
I think I need to take it one day at a time as well. He wants to go out to dinner tonight but I'm afraid it is too soon. We truly love each other and the sex is terrific; I'm afraid we will end up sleeping together and then that will mess us both up, or will it? Is it a time to be close and reconnect or will it create undue pressure? We are used to spending every night together so this past week as been very different as I haven't seen him at all.
He is sweet and kind and trying not to be a drunk. I have to decide if I can take this on. Who am I kidding...I'm crazy about him, of course I'll take it on. I want friggin' guarantees but there aren't any, are there.
I think I need to take it one day at a time as well. He wants to go out to dinner tonight but I'm afraid it is too soon. We truly love each other and the sex is terrific; I'm afraid we will end up sleeping together and then that will mess us both up, or will it? Is it a time to be close and reconnect or will it create undue pressure? We are used to spending every night together so this past week as been very different as I haven't seen him at all.
He is sweet and kind and trying not to be a drunk. I have to decide if I can take this on. Who am I kidding...I'm crazy about him, of course I'll take it on. I want friggin' guarantees but there aren't any, are there.
Len,
If you want to go out with him go for it. Just make sure both of you stay sober. When true feelings come out, in a sober state, you will see how things go. If the sex happens, it happens. I have never found anything wrong with great sex. It helps out sometimes. Just don't reward him with it if he has been drinking. Let me know how things turn out.
LL
If you want to go out with him go for it. Just make sure both of you stay sober. When true feelings come out, in a sober state, you will see how things go. If the sex happens, it happens. I have never found anything wrong with great sex. It helps out sometimes. Just don't reward him with it if he has been drinking. Let me know how things turn out.
LL
He's coming over for lunch today. He hasn't been drinking and his emotions are up and down, but he sounds good. I want to be supportive but there is the finest of lines between that and enabling. Well, perhaps it isn't that fine. Perhaps it is a big, fat one in neon green or yellow, with being sober on one side and drinking on the other. If he drinks, I stop being there for him. If he is sober, I'll make him his favorite chili and argue with him about football teams and make sure there is ice made out of lemonade in the fridge which he sucks on when he first stops drinking. We'll make each other laugh and we'll dance in the kitchen while he cleans up after me because I am such a sloppy cook. One day at a time. The only way I can not be terrified is just thinking about doing this one day at a time.
Hi Lenore..Yes it is one day at a time...sometimes one moment at a time...I am a recovering alcoholic and was involved with a relapsed addict...and the line between helping, caring, and enabling is a fine one but it sounds like you have a good idea...Its hard...but keep your boundaries...Good luck today...Gina
Lennore, keep us posted as to how things go with him. I am interested.
Keep it sober.
LL
Keep it sober.
LL
Gina, LL and all,
We never had lunch. We talked and made love and talked and well, you get it. He is saying and doing all the right things and he wanted me to stay at his house that night. I told him I thought it was too soon. He said how much better he felt getting things out in the open with his kids and his parents, as well as me, which he had been doing and working on all week. He is going to meetings. I said I thought it was too soon for me to be with him all the time as he had to continue to concentrate on himself and what he needs to do. After whining a bit, he reluctantly agreed that he can be distracted with me around. Ya, think? We didn't get out of bed for three hours.
Today is a good day. There is food in the fridge, a roof over my head on this snowy day, a dog at my feet and a sober love in my heart.
Lenore
We never had lunch. We talked and made love and talked and well, you get it. He is saying and doing all the right things and he wanted me to stay at his house that night. I told him I thought it was too soon. He said how much better he felt getting things out in the open with his kids and his parents, as well as me, which he had been doing and working on all week. He is going to meetings. I said I thought it was too soon for me to be with him all the time as he had to continue to concentrate on himself and what he needs to do. After whining a bit, he reluctantly agreed that he can be distracted with me around. Ya, think? We didn't get out of bed for three hours.
Today is a good day. There is food in the fridge, a roof over my head on this snowy day, a dog at my feet and a sober love in my heart.
Lenore
Lenore,
It may be too soon for you to be with him "all the time," but it sounds like things are looking up. When you hit rock bottom all you have to do it climb your way back to the top.
LL
It may be too soon for you to be with him "all the time," but it sounds like things are looking up. When you hit rock bottom all you have to do it climb your way back to the top.
LL
glad things are getting better x
Ha, too good to be true. When I went over to his house two days ago I could tell he had been drinking. I am done. He has called and wants to get help and get me back, blah, blah, blah but he needs to do it first, and come find me later. He said the worst time is right after work so if he came over to my house then he is sure he can stay sober. So now I am a babysitter? I said no. I am angry and hurt and sad but I know it is the drink. I don't like him when he drinks; it is not the man I fell in love with.
It's odd. After the initial few hours of sobbing and "how could he" I feel relatively okay. The man that calls me is the drunk guy and I don't miss that guy. I miss the sober guy but he isn't around anymore so I have to let him go and let him find his own messy way through this.
Is there any way to trust him again? How do you guys let your loved ones know that you are serious about staying sober? How can I protect my fragile heart?
It might be mean but I cannot talk to him or deal with him now. I am not going to help him through this. I tried that and he drank anyway. I think he saw my support and being around him some sort of sign that I would stay no matter what. I have to leave him alone to figure this out. It is hard to be around him and hard to let him go.
Lenore
It's odd. After the initial few hours of sobbing and "how could he" I feel relatively okay. The man that calls me is the drunk guy and I don't miss that guy. I miss the sober guy but he isn't around anymore so I have to let him go and let him find his own messy way through this.
Is there any way to trust him again? How do you guys let your loved ones know that you are serious about staying sober? How can I protect my fragile heart?
It might be mean but I cannot talk to him or deal with him now. I am not going to help him through this. I tried that and he drank anyway. I think he saw my support and being around him some sort of sign that I would stay no matter what. I have to leave him alone to figure this out. It is hard to be around him and hard to let him go.
Lenore
Lenore,
I guess you are doing the right thing. He needs to see what it is like without you. Maybe if he loves you enough he will quit again. He is going to meetings? That is something that keeps me sane and sober. Are you a drinker at all? Or do you obstain because of his problem? I don't know what else I can tell you right now because I am having some major issues with my other half as well. She is not "recovering," but I think she needs to be.
LL
I guess you are doing the right thing. He needs to see what it is like without you. Maybe if he loves you enough he will quit again. He is going to meetings? That is something that keeps me sane and sober. Are you a drinker at all? Or do you obstain because of his problem? I don't know what else I can tell you right now because I am having some major issues with my other half as well. She is not "recovering," but I think she needs to be.
LL
LL,
He says he went to a meeting but I don't know if I can believe him. He would say anything right now to get me back in his life. I drink occasionally. A glass of wine with dinner when I go out, a martini with my brother once in a while, that kind of thing, but don't have a problem with alcohol at all and am trying hard to understand someone who does. He says he is going to find a counselor, and if he does I might go with him a few times to see how serious he is and how to trust him again. I think he needs to go on his own for a while first though.
Man, this s*** is tough. How do you guys do it? I am sad and mad and hurt and I know it is the booze but who the hell is throwing it back...he is. I can't imagine feeling this way and then knowing the one thing that would make the feeling go away is the one thing you need to stay away from.
Since he started drinking again I have so much time on my hands because I am spending none with him, I have gotten more writing done, my house is clean, I am reading the Sunday NYTimes in its entirety and the laundry is caught up. I miss him so badly I can't stand it. But the guy I miss isn't around much anyway. It is the drunk guy that usually calls. We'll see, LL. I wish you well. Integrity on your side of line. Pray and give some of this s*** up but it is certainly too much for one mere human to take on.
Len
He says he went to a meeting but I don't know if I can believe him. He would say anything right now to get me back in his life. I drink occasionally. A glass of wine with dinner when I go out, a martini with my brother once in a while, that kind of thing, but don't have a problem with alcohol at all and am trying hard to understand someone who does. He says he is going to find a counselor, and if he does I might go with him a few times to see how serious he is and how to trust him again. I think he needs to go on his own for a while first though.
Man, this s*** is tough. How do you guys do it? I am sad and mad and hurt and I know it is the booze but who the hell is throwing it back...he is. I can't imagine feeling this way and then knowing the one thing that would make the feeling go away is the one thing you need to stay away from.
Since he started drinking again I have so much time on my hands because I am spending none with him, I have gotten more writing done, my house is clean, I am reading the Sunday NYTimes in its entirety and the laundry is caught up. I miss him so badly I can't stand it. But the guy I miss isn't around much anyway. It is the drunk guy that usually calls. We'll see, LL. I wish you well. Integrity on your side of line. Pray and give some of this s*** up but it is certainly too much for one mere human to take on.
Len
