Hiya, I have been going out with a guy for about 2 years. Things got serious very quickly as we fell head over heals. We moved in together after a year. I was aware of his past .. dropped out of college, dropped out of jobs due to alcohol and drug abuse. He accumulated debt over these 10 years . he is 30 now and I am 29. When I met him he had already started to sort out his debt, stopped most of the recreational drugs (ecstacy, cocaine etc) still on marijuana and alcohol. In Britain everyone drinks so a lot of our initial meetings revolved around getting drunk and having a laugh. Since we moved in together I have grown up a bit and prefer to drink less. He has given up the marijuana. But since we have moved in together there has been about 4 episodes where he hasnt come home at all. Fell asleep in a drunken mess at some party. when he comes through the door he is still drunk. Partying like this is normal for a kid at school .. in Britain anyway. But I thought that as time goes on things would change.
When we go out together he gets so ridiculously drunk that he even forgets I am out with him and takes off leaving me in a club by myself. This is the most recent episode.
Some of me feels because he has kicked the marijauana and now that he has gotten a decent job with prospect (for the first time in his life!) that he can get on top of alcohol too. But he has promised that he will change.. of course a clich I know. But I come to this website to see if anyone has experience of someone like this actually managing to control drinking by themselves. I think it is in the early stages if it is alcoholism. I tried the whole controlling thing (where are you? Come home at this time!) and found out that that nearly crippled me let alone our relationship. So I just let him to his own devices but then there will be one week where he will go out after work without calling me and I see him at 1am falling in the door..
I guess I am just looking for someone to warn me that 99% chance this is just going to get worse and worse. Or for someone to tell me in their experience guys like this just need to grow up. Give him more time. With the drinking social life in Britain, he does not stick out beyond anyone else until he does something stupid like leave his girlfriend in a nightclub on her own. He knows its a problem and his solutions have been leaving the cashcard at home .. (?) I dont think giving up is an option .. I love him like crazy , like crazy!, but I dont want to be a wife of an alcoholic or my children to have an alcoholic father.. my head wants to rule my heart and then another day I think the risk is worth taking because he is the true love of my life, my soulmate. This is so similar to so many cases I know. Is there anyone out there who can advise of how to handle drink better? He is open to suggestions. He knows he has a drinking problem but not large enough to abstain. ITs worth pointing out that he never is violent. He just gets kranky sometimes and doesn't want to talk. He is never aggressive. This is so long I am sorry. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. Thank you!
I think you answered your own question here. There is not a 99% chance of this getting worse - there is a 100% it will get worse. The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself. I would suggest finding an Alanon meeting, as soon as possible. You will find people there who are just like you - who understand what you are going through. They will have suggestions on ways to handle this situation. But you cannot let him take you down with him. You have been his enabler and you have to stop. And there is a good chance that he will not like this. For the alcoholic/addict to drink/use is to die.
PS - if you do have a "higher power" prayer helps alot, but it take a combination of actions for one to truly recover. The first step is "admitting". Until this happens there is no solution.
God watch over you both.
PS - if you do have a "higher power" prayer helps alot, but it take a combination of actions for one to truly recover. The first step is "admitting". Until this happens there is no solution.
God watch over you both.
Hi linda
Look up al-anon on the web - order all the leaflets - it's really cheap there's one about "the merry go round" (really good) another good book is "under the influence" by ketcham+milan - (it explains the difference between alcoholics + non alcoholics - excellant - can be ordered from amazon.co.uk)
I get what you mean about Boozing Britian - i love how they tackle the problem with 24 hr drinking ?????????????
There's also a website Aquarius (britain!) quite good - your boyfriend could look at that himself if he wants.............
Take care now
Look up al-anon on the web - order all the leaflets - it's really cheap there's one about "the merry go round" (really good) another good book is "under the influence" by ketcham+milan - (it explains the difference between alcoholics + non alcoholics - excellant - can be ordered from amazon.co.uk)
I get what you mean about Boozing Britian - i love how they tackle the problem with 24 hr drinking ?????????????
There's also a website Aquarius (britain!) quite good - your boyfriend could look at that himself if he wants.............
Take care now
Thank you so much for your replies. I feel like he has come from a life in a different city where he was really in the sh*t and I feel like he has come so far since then .. and sometimes, maybe in denial, I think ok he gets a little drunker than the rest of my friends (and as drunk as some of them..!) so he just needs to grow up. I probably sound like a million others in denial.
I am quite good at avoiding being the enabler type. I read once
When not in check, I will:
Pick up your shoes
Carry your pack
Pay your traffic ticket
Lie to your boss
Do your homework
Remove rocks from your path
And strip you of the joy
Of saying, "I did it myself
Yeah I nag him a bit but I learnt that controlling is the worst thing you can do. Mostly for myself. I was making myself sick with all the effort that goes into it. And I learnt that emotional pleas are one of the worst things to do too. So now when something happens I guess we have a fight about it.. and we talk about his drinking. It has been 5 months since he stayed out all night. I had put it down to him being so used to that behaviour before he moved to my city, 1 year ago. I left him and that seemed to make some impression and since we got back together it hasnt happened.. but there are still those times that he slips up like not coming home till 1am. He meets appointments etc.. but I have this niggling feeling that he is just about controlling it.. and any day now it could crack. I love him but staying with him might be the worst for both of us. I am not sure about this al-anon thing.. Maybe its too much admittance.. I dont really want my life to be about his problem and I think that is what al-anon is about trying to avoid. But I feel if I did depend on Al-anon then this would be what my life would be about.
I guess I just want this fixed. Our destiny is to be together, we honestly were made for one another, and alcohol has got in the way. I hate it.
Thank you for your posts I have looked at aquarius and might hint at it for him too look at. I have also ordered that book that you recommended. Under the influence
I am quite good at avoiding being the enabler type. I read once
When not in check, I will:
Pick up your shoes
Carry your pack
Pay your traffic ticket
Lie to your boss
Do your homework
Remove rocks from your path
And strip you of the joy
Of saying, "I did it myself
Yeah I nag him a bit but I learnt that controlling is the worst thing you can do. Mostly for myself. I was making myself sick with all the effort that goes into it. And I learnt that emotional pleas are one of the worst things to do too. So now when something happens I guess we have a fight about it.. and we talk about his drinking. It has been 5 months since he stayed out all night. I had put it down to him being so used to that behaviour before he moved to my city, 1 year ago. I left him and that seemed to make some impression and since we got back together it hasnt happened.. but there are still those times that he slips up like not coming home till 1am. He meets appointments etc.. but I have this niggling feeling that he is just about controlling it.. and any day now it could crack. I love him but staying with him might be the worst for both of us. I am not sure about this al-anon thing.. Maybe its too much admittance.. I dont really want my life to be about his problem and I think that is what al-anon is about trying to avoid. But I feel if I did depend on Al-anon then this would be what my life would be about.
I guess I just want this fixed. Our destiny is to be together, we honestly were made for one another, and alcohol has got in the way. I hate it.
Thank you for your posts I have looked at aquarius and might hint at it for him too look at. I have also ordered that book that you recommended. Under the influence
Hi Linda
Just a quick one before i do some work!!! Firstly hope you are doing ok?!
You will definately understand alcoholism once you've read that book - obviously only your boyfriend can decide if he is an alcoholic - of course not all binge drinkers are alcoholic - but the book will explain the differences ......
The sad thing is it can take months even years for alcoholics to reap bad consequences from their drinking but it can certainly be speeded up if the people around them stop carrying them and covering for them and of course enabling in all forms.................the first tell tale sign is being able to drink loads and still not be drunk - most of us would puke!!! or have an amazing hangover!!!! this lasts for a few years and then the problems start.................BUT!!! when other addictions have been inplace drugs, pills - the addiction to alcohol is speeded up (if you like) because the cells in the body have already adjusted - well that's the explanation i get from the book......
One more book i would recommend is "how al-anon works for family and friends of alcoholics (you can order this from their website) it's extremely good - as to whether you want to commit to al-anon - well i suppose it depends how much you have been affected by your bf - reading the books will be a big help - the al-anon principles and how to live are good even if we aren't dealing with an addicted person - actually i know someone who has been enabling for probably 20 years (with her husband!!!) and now it spills over to her children - basically she doesn't know what's happening !!! wow!! it's a shame ...........but anyways you do not HAVE to go to al-anon if you don't fancy that but you can still benefit by reading their literature............
From what you've said and done already you seem like you know what you are doing, you will be fine - once you've got some knowledge and information you will be in a good position to decide what you want to do as regards the relationship - must go now!!! you take care now......
Just a quick one before i do some work!!! Firstly hope you are doing ok?!
You will definately understand alcoholism once you've read that book - obviously only your boyfriend can decide if he is an alcoholic - of course not all binge drinkers are alcoholic - but the book will explain the differences ......
The sad thing is it can take months even years for alcoholics to reap bad consequences from their drinking but it can certainly be speeded up if the people around them stop carrying them and covering for them and of course enabling in all forms.................the first tell tale sign is being able to drink loads and still not be drunk - most of us would puke!!! or have an amazing hangover!!!! this lasts for a few years and then the problems start.................BUT!!! when other addictions have been inplace drugs, pills - the addiction to alcohol is speeded up (if you like) because the cells in the body have already adjusted - well that's the explanation i get from the book......
One more book i would recommend is "how al-anon works for family and friends of alcoholics (you can order this from their website) it's extremely good - as to whether you want to commit to al-anon - well i suppose it depends how much you have been affected by your bf - reading the books will be a big help - the al-anon principles and how to live are good even if we aren't dealing with an addicted person - actually i know someone who has been enabling for probably 20 years (with her husband!!!) and now it spills over to her children - basically she doesn't know what's happening !!! wow!! it's a shame ...........but anyways you do not HAVE to go to al-anon if you don't fancy that but you can still benefit by reading their literature............
From what you've said and done already you seem like you know what you are doing, you will be fine - once you've got some knowledge and information you will be in a good position to decide what you want to do as regards the relationship - must go now!!! you take care now......
Thanks. Mostly I am fine. I swing from being 90% sure that I am making a bigger deal of it than I am to being 90% sure that I have been in denial and this is a huge problem. Would be a lot happier if I didnt have to think about it at all obviously. I think I will make sure to look after myself and make sure things are good with me, and then, I will be best equipped to deal with whatever comes. Whether its being driven to leaving him or whether its simply coping with another episode.
I think I will get onto the Al-anon website and get some of that material. I get sudden realisations on things. For example the other day myself and my boyfriend were pottering around the supermarket, and I was thinking He is so great, and he has just passed that exam and work is going so well and he hasnt drank out of control in a few weeks.. he deserves me to give him a chance And then I thought My God, what am I thinking, he deserves me like I am some angel from heaven sent to bless him and save him.. He would be fine without me. Totally fine.. So I reconfigured how I was to think about it .. and I guess I put it like this relationship deserves a few more tries.. cos we are in love.. and there is lots of good about our relationship.. so our relationship is worth more time.. And someday the answer will be there in black and white, one way or the other I hope?
The one thing I think I have to really watch out for is that I keep drinking a lot in a kind of a funny way that I never did before. Its like as if I am pre planning that if I get trashed I would be calling him a hypocrite if I got pi*sed off with him so then we cant fight. I dont consiously think that but when I look back on it, it seems like that might have been what was going through my head subconsiously when I was feeling a bit messed up. I mean I always liked drinking and going out but this is a bit weird. I have identified it now so I figure I have already nipped it in the bud but I wonder have other people ever dealt with it this way.. Its obviously the worst possible way to react I figure.
Hope everythings going ok with you Molly..
I think I will get onto the Al-anon website and get some of that material. I get sudden realisations on things. For example the other day myself and my boyfriend were pottering around the supermarket, and I was thinking He is so great, and he has just passed that exam and work is going so well and he hasnt drank out of control in a few weeks.. he deserves me to give him a chance And then I thought My God, what am I thinking, he deserves me like I am some angel from heaven sent to bless him and save him.. He would be fine without me. Totally fine.. So I reconfigured how I was to think about it .. and I guess I put it like this relationship deserves a few more tries.. cos we are in love.. and there is lots of good about our relationship.. so our relationship is worth more time.. And someday the answer will be there in black and white, one way or the other I hope?
The one thing I think I have to really watch out for is that I keep drinking a lot in a kind of a funny way that I never did before. Its like as if I am pre planning that if I get trashed I would be calling him a hypocrite if I got pi*sed off with him so then we cant fight. I dont consiously think that but when I look back on it, it seems like that might have been what was going through my head subconsiously when I was feeling a bit messed up. I mean I always liked drinking and going out but this is a bit weird. I have identified it now so I figure I have already nipped it in the bud but I wonder have other people ever dealt with it this way.. Its obviously the worst possible way to react I figure.
Hope everythings going ok with you Molly..
Hiya - yep i'm fine!!
Have you been on the family board on this site too - there's laodsa good posts that i'm sure you will find helpfull too.....be sure to look at the one on "the enabler what would you do" i think i'll try + find it and bump it up 4 u.
Anyway back to your post - you seem to be pretty quick at recognising where you are going wrong so that can only be a good thing - we all do daft things from time to time, and particularly are influenced by the dysfunction around us!!
As you said just keep working on yourself and everything will be a lot clearer for you, there's no need for this to drag you down too, and you seem to be determined about that........
Sure he deserves a chance - i guess if things aren't much different in a few months you'll know if he's serious about sorting things out, after all actions speak louder than words.....
Keep looking after yourself, do things you enjoy, have your girl friends round....
I'll bump up that post for you..................
all the best molly....
Have you been on the family board on this site too - there's laodsa good posts that i'm sure you will find helpfull too.....be sure to look at the one on "the enabler what would you do" i think i'll try + find it and bump it up 4 u.
Anyway back to your post - you seem to be pretty quick at recognising where you are going wrong so that can only be a good thing - we all do daft things from time to time, and particularly are influenced by the dysfunction around us!!
As you said just keep working on yourself and everything will be a lot clearer for you, there's no need for this to drag you down too, and you seem to be determined about that........
Sure he deserves a chance - i guess if things aren't much different in a few months you'll know if he's serious about sorting things out, after all actions speak louder than words.....
Keep looking after yourself, do things you enjoy, have your girl friends round....
I'll bump up that post for you..................
all the best molly....
Here's my story . I had a boyfriend that was 15 months sober when we started dating and he remained sober until Feb of 2003 . We had discussions about his alcoholism . I myself wasn't a drinker until the last year of our relationship . Ironically I became an alcoholic . I'm now 7 1/2 months sober . During our relationship when I was not an alcoholic , I tried so many things to get him to stop drinking . I hooked him up with a rehab facility . he made arrangements to go but when his father found out , he decided not to go . His father told him that he didn't have a drinking problem . A month later he was told to go by his employer . He went in around Christmas time . He still continued to drink . We haven't had any contact in 8 months so I don't know if he is sober or not . In some sick way I think I turned to the bottle because I wanted him to see what alcohol can do to a loved one . Alcohol got the best of me and in June of 2005 I was drinking and driving and rolled my car . I haven't had a drink since . I should have taken better care of myself . I recommend you check out Al-anon program . In no way am I saying that my ex is to blame for my drinking , It was my choice . Hope this has been helpful . Thanks
Hiya, wow I was thinking that that could be possible. Poor you, I am so glad that you are clean now. That is so interesting that you are saying that it was like you wanted to show him how screwed up it can make you. I can relate to that. Also its almost like trying to get into their head to see what the deal is, how screwed up can I make myself in comparison to you, kinda thing. It sounds ridiculous and none of it would be concsious thought but, somewhere floating around at the back of your mind.
I think about alcohol so differently now. I sometimes treat it like he treats it. Like a cuba libra after work to wind down or just getting trashed so I dont have to think about what time he will come home at. Jeez its just so bloody sad.
But as I kinda said in my post I think I am aware of it, which should prevent it. But even now I dont know what time he will be home and I am thinking God, a couple of glasses of wine will make the night much easier. When before it was just about having fun.
I did go to al-anon last week and it did me the world of good. I am going to keep going.
I have decided to leave him. But I have hope for him. We are really young in our relationship and I really feel a few months might impact him. He is 30 and I am thinking maybe I caught it early enough. I wont vest all my hopes and dreams into it but I will tell him that its possible for us to try again if he cleans up his act.
He knows he has a problem, and he admits and he wants so badly to kick it. And he just called to say he was on his way home. (its even early.. and I still bloody worry) but for him and for me its the best thing.
Best of luck with your stuff. I hope your ex has cleaned up as well as you. Thank you for your post. It will make me more consious of this in the future.
I think about alcohol so differently now. I sometimes treat it like he treats it. Like a cuba libra after work to wind down or just getting trashed so I dont have to think about what time he will come home at. Jeez its just so bloody sad.
But as I kinda said in my post I think I am aware of it, which should prevent it. But even now I dont know what time he will be home and I am thinking God, a couple of glasses of wine will make the night much easier. When before it was just about having fun.
I did go to al-anon last week and it did me the world of good. I am going to keep going.
I have decided to leave him. But I have hope for him. We are really young in our relationship and I really feel a few months might impact him. He is 30 and I am thinking maybe I caught it early enough. I wont vest all my hopes and dreams into it but I will tell him that its possible for us to try again if he cleans up his act.
He knows he has a problem, and he admits and he wants so badly to kick it. And he just called to say he was on his way home. (its even early.. and I still bloody worry) but for him and for me its the best thing.
Best of luck with your stuff. I hope your ex has cleaned up as well as you. Thank you for your post. It will make me more consious of this in the future.
Hi molly do you think it would be ok to let him know that I think he needs professional help.
When I left, I left a letter on the table outlining the reasons why I was leaving it was that he hadnt sorted out his debt and that I couldnt trust him when he goes out as he cant trust himself. (he admits to this).I didn't mention drink at all hoping that that would be implicit.
I think I dont want to go back with him until (if ever) he is well on his way to recovery. I dont want to go back if he says he will get help because I guess he would be going to get help because of me and I know thats not right.
I guess I havent given him any chance to say anything, to try and fix anything. He hasnt come forward with anything either. I mean I just havent spoken to him because I am trying to get my own head in order. I have been to al-anon meetings and they have helped .. mostly warning me not to get into the members situations. I havent heard a happy story yet which is scary and depressing and so that is what has motivated me to leave mostly. And this merry-go round thing where I know I have been enabling him and saving him from himself.
I am also worried about his heavy drinking family swooping in and telling him everythings fine that I am an intolerant prissie drama queen. But I guess that's life.. and he has his own brain.
I know I must concentrate on myself. I think what I might do is have that heart to heart, explain everythign face to face, and then leave it at that. Then get back to me and moving away from him and his woes and concentrate on my woes of finding a new place to live.
Molly thanks so much .. I am Linda and Laura.. I got mixed upJ hope this is ok. Hope everythign is good with you still.
I have that Al-anon book and I am reading a book by an irish writer called under the weather. Its a little different to the Miller and kitchum (spell? which was really insightful and explained stuff so well) in that it looks a bit at the physiological condition but concentrates on the things that push the alcoholic prone people into alcoholic dependency.. but I havent finished it. It has become an obsession for me. And I know this is a kind of addiction. But I am ready to look after myself too. So its not too bad.
When I left, I left a letter on the table outlining the reasons why I was leaving it was that he hadnt sorted out his debt and that I couldnt trust him when he goes out as he cant trust himself. (he admits to this).I didn't mention drink at all hoping that that would be implicit.
I think I dont want to go back with him until (if ever) he is well on his way to recovery. I dont want to go back if he says he will get help because I guess he would be going to get help because of me and I know thats not right.
I guess I havent given him any chance to say anything, to try and fix anything. He hasnt come forward with anything either. I mean I just havent spoken to him because I am trying to get my own head in order. I have been to al-anon meetings and they have helped .. mostly warning me not to get into the members situations. I havent heard a happy story yet which is scary and depressing and so that is what has motivated me to leave mostly. And this merry-go round thing where I know I have been enabling him and saving him from himself.
I am also worried about his heavy drinking family swooping in and telling him everythings fine that I am an intolerant prissie drama queen. But I guess that's life.. and he has his own brain.
I know I must concentrate on myself. I think what I might do is have that heart to heart, explain everythign face to face, and then leave it at that. Then get back to me and moving away from him and his woes and concentrate on my woes of finding a new place to live.
Molly thanks so much .. I am Linda and Laura.. I got mixed upJ hope this is ok. Hope everythign is good with you still.
I have that Al-anon book and I am reading a book by an irish writer called under the weather. Its a little different to the Miller and kitchum (spell? which was really insightful and explained stuff so well) in that it looks a bit at the physiological condition but concentrates on the things that push the alcoholic prone people into alcoholic dependency.. but I havent finished it. It has become an obsession for me. And I know this is a kind of addiction. But I am ready to look after myself too. So its not too bad.
