Thinking of you Angel. I know when I was 22 I thought I met the man of my dreams only to be emotionally abused. It is very difficult to let go. Take some time and be good to yourself. Is this your first serious relationship? You said this relationship was 7 months. It may help to look back at past relationships and see if there is a pattern in the men you get attracted to.
You do not need a man to feel complete. Learn to love yourself and be confident for who you are. Like cowgirl mentioned-your prince is out there and will love you for you. I bet you will find him when you least expect it.
It's my second serious relationship. My first one I was 18-19, we dated for a year and he completely blind sided me by breaking up with me. That one hurt, too because the only reason I really got was that he was bored with me. After that I decided I needed some "me-time" for a while. Met a couple guys but nothing really escalated, plus I realized I just wasn't ready for anything big again, yet. I really wanted to use that time to focus on what I wanted in a guy anyway.
Unfortunately for me, it is REALLY easy to charm me. If a guy shows any potential or attention I just get excited. It obviously comes back to bite me, and I start making exceptions on my standards. For example, I find smoking in a guy to be a real turn off. When I first met "A" he said he really didn't smoke that much. As our relationship progressed I noticed that he smoked a lot. His mom and I then started this eternal quest together to try and get him to stop. She even bought him e-cigarettes. I kept saying to myself, he'll get there, quitting smoking takes time, I just need to be patient.
He also told me when we first started dating that he wasn't a big drinker, which I was okay with. I mean, I drink when I'm out, but I hate getting "messed up". Eventually it turned out he would drink before bed because he thought it would help him sleep. Often it would be a half or even a full bottle.
I could go on and on with the list of exceptions I made in what I know I want in a partner (I was Catholic, he was a Non-Denominational Christian (Although he had started taking the steps to becoming Catholic, so maybe I don't so much count that as an exception). I wanted to wait before we had sex, but it ended up happening a month into our relationship. I don't want to date a smoker, he was practically a chain smoker. I wanted someone who could get really close with my father (he admired him and they both liked each other) but they just didn't get to the point of bonding that I would have really liked to have seen, although he and my brother were becoming good friends.) Maybe I just don't know how to NOT make exceptions with people.
I should have left before I had gotten so attached, but I kept making exceptions. Its in my personality to want to help people and be there for them, and I thought I could do that for him. My mom says it all the time, that I'm just naturally a really caring person but it comes back to hurt me.
So now I'm just terrified that the combination of being easily charmed, and my ever-running need to be there for people who I feel need me is going to get me in a mess again.
Needless to say, I'm going to go back to "me-time" again. I need to really focus on what I want in life.
Unfortunately for me, it is REALLY easy to charm me. If a guy shows any potential or attention I just get excited. It obviously comes back to bite me, and I start making exceptions on my standards. For example, I find smoking in a guy to be a real turn off. When I first met "A" he said he really didn't smoke that much. As our relationship progressed I noticed that he smoked a lot. His mom and I then started this eternal quest together to try and get him to stop. She even bought him e-cigarettes. I kept saying to myself, he'll get there, quitting smoking takes time, I just need to be patient.
He also told me when we first started dating that he wasn't a big drinker, which I was okay with. I mean, I drink when I'm out, but I hate getting "messed up". Eventually it turned out he would drink before bed because he thought it would help him sleep. Often it would be a half or even a full bottle.
I could go on and on with the list of exceptions I made in what I know I want in a partner (I was Catholic, he was a Non-Denominational Christian (Although he had started taking the steps to becoming Catholic, so maybe I don't so much count that as an exception). I wanted to wait before we had sex, but it ended up happening a month into our relationship. I don't want to date a smoker, he was practically a chain smoker. I wanted someone who could get really close with my father (he admired him and they both liked each other) but they just didn't get to the point of bonding that I would have really liked to have seen, although he and my brother were becoming good friends.) Maybe I just don't know how to NOT make exceptions with people.
I should have left before I had gotten so attached, but I kept making exceptions. Its in my personality to want to help people and be there for them, and I thought I could do that for him. My mom says it all the time, that I'm just naturally a really caring person but it comes back to hurt me.
So now I'm just terrified that the combination of being easily charmed, and my ever-running need to be there for people who I feel need me is going to get me in a mess again.
Needless to say, I'm going to go back to "me-time" again. I need to really focus on what I want in life.
Your last sentence said it all. If you were my kid, this is what I would tell you...
You are young. So young. You may think you're all grown up, but you aren't. You're still a little girl in a woman's body. Let yourself grow up! Have some fun! You can afford to be a little selective, you can just enjoy your life for awhile and stop worrying about being in a relationship! You are so much like my youngest son..he wants so badly to be in a relationship..married and with kids. I know, not normal for most 24 year old males. He's just lonely, he's away from home going to school. I keep telling him..just enjoy having fun. Concentrate on getting your degree and be a 20 something for awhile. All that responsiblity of kids, houses, jobs and bills will come soon enough.
It's ok to be a really caring person and your parents have raised you well..but sweetheart, you don't need a man to complete you right now. Stop being so down on yourself for not having the "right" guy. It's not that your picker is broken, it's just hasn't matured yet.
It's Friday night..get a couple of girlfriends and go see a movie, go dancing...just be ok with being with yourself.
You are young. So young. You may think you're all grown up, but you aren't. You're still a little girl in a woman's body. Let yourself grow up! Have some fun! You can afford to be a little selective, you can just enjoy your life for awhile and stop worrying about being in a relationship! You are so much like my youngest son..he wants so badly to be in a relationship..married and with kids. I know, not normal for most 24 year old males. He's just lonely, he's away from home going to school. I keep telling him..just enjoy having fun. Concentrate on getting your degree and be a 20 something for awhile. All that responsiblity of kids, houses, jobs and bills will come soon enough.
It's ok to be a really caring person and your parents have raised you well..but sweetheart, you don't need a man to complete you right now. Stop being so down on yourself for not having the "right" guy. It's not that your picker is broken, it's just hasn't matured yet.
It's Friday night..get a couple of girlfriends and go see a movie, go dancing...just be ok with being with yourself.
I definitely have been trying to have fun. And it's working. I live with 4 other girls at school and they keep me more than entertained, and they are all understanding of this situation. We've all had heart break, and 2 of the girls know a thing or two about loved ones and addiction, too. So, they've been really good to me.
I'm also going to the zoo with my Grandmom and sister tomorrow, so I'm really looking forward to that. Nothing like some childhood pleasures to keep you in good spirits :]
I'm also going to the zoo with my Grandmom and sister tomorrow, so I'm really looking forward to that. Nothing like some childhood pleasures to keep you in good spirits :]
Awww Angel, I want you for my kid!! Lol!!! Ha!! If I had a daughter, I'd be darned proud if she wrote like you and had your maturity. However, go have some fun - enough time to worry about creating a family with some guy later on!!
I bet that your son, cowgirl - he grew up with a very strong sense of family...he just probably loved that security and comfort of family. He'll make some girl a great husband one day. You must be very proud of him too.
If you have friends who've dealt with addiction before angel, than I would listen to them. It's not an easy road. Relationships are hard enough without adding this into the mix. I'm an addict and I probably wouldn't date me. Lol. Seriously, life if hard. Why make it harder? You are in a position to chose. Make sure you keep using that head of yours and not just your heart. You do that, and you'll be okay, I promise.
Best of luck and have fun with your family tomorrow!!
Love,
Melissa
I bet that your son, cowgirl - he grew up with a very strong sense of family...he just probably loved that security and comfort of family. He'll make some girl a great husband one day. You must be very proud of him too.
If you have friends who've dealt with addiction before angel, than I would listen to them. It's not an easy road. Relationships are hard enough without adding this into the mix. I'm an addict and I probably wouldn't date me. Lol. Seriously, life if hard. Why make it harder? You are in a position to chose. Make sure you keep using that head of yours and not just your heart. You do that, and you'll be okay, I promise.
Best of luck and have fun with your family tomorrow!!
Love,
Melissa
Thanks :) I think that is my biggest thing, letting my head overcome my heart in certain situations. I swear, if I didn't have people in my life looking in on me from the outside who don't have their hearts as invested as me, I'd be in some ridiculous kind of trouble right now, for sure. I think while I'm taking time for myself, that's what I'll be thinking hard on. Look at my priorities.
On another note, as I was listening to my Pandora radio earlier today, and the song "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish came on. That's always been one of my favorite songs, and I hadn't heard it in probably 6 months. The song is about loving someone who has an addiction, and how difficult its been. I don't know about you guys but music is so therapeutic to me, especially if the message is something I can relate to.
Just something I wanted to share with you guys,. I've been thinking about that song all day and how I always used to love it, and now I can embrace it in a much more personal way, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here who would feel that way.
On another note, as I was listening to my Pandora radio earlier today, and the song "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish came on. That's always been one of my favorite songs, and I hadn't heard it in probably 6 months. The song is about loving someone who has an addiction, and how difficult its been. I don't know about you guys but music is so therapeutic to me, especially if the message is something I can relate to.
Just something I wanted to share with you guys,. I've been thinking about that song all day and how I always used to love it, and now I can embrace it in a much more personal way, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here who would feel that way.
I will not give advice but I thought about relating my experience-
I met and fell in love with a heroin addict when I was 25. When I found out I organized for him to go to rehab. after his return, he soon had a relapse and we separated. He then came back and said that if I was willing to wait for him, he was willing to go again to rehab.
I did wait, He came back clean and sober. We were madly in love with each other, We got married and had 2 children. He carried on going to NA. He was always excessive in most things but we had a good life. 25 years later, he got addicted to rock climbing and even though he is not taking drugs, his addiction got very bad. He broke my heart and our two daughters got very badly hurt. We are now separated. He says he loves me and our daughters, but he has hurt us so much with his insane attitude and lies. He is in complete denial. He stopped working and spend all of his time, climbing or planning his trips or reading about it or contacting people, or buying material. If I did not know about addiction I would think it is total madness.
I trying very hard to forgive him but it is harder because he has hurt our two daughters.
If I could rewind the clock when I was 25, I would run away from him, even if it was painful as I now know that the grief I go through now is so much more unbearable.
I met and fell in love with a heroin addict when I was 25. When I found out I organized for him to go to rehab. after his return, he soon had a relapse and we separated. He then came back and said that if I was willing to wait for him, he was willing to go again to rehab.
I did wait, He came back clean and sober. We were madly in love with each other, We got married and had 2 children. He carried on going to NA. He was always excessive in most things but we had a good life. 25 years later, he got addicted to rock climbing and even though he is not taking drugs, his addiction got very bad. He broke my heart and our two daughters got very badly hurt. We are now separated. He says he loves me and our daughters, but he has hurt us so much with his insane attitude and lies. He is in complete denial. He stopped working and spend all of his time, climbing or planning his trips or reading about it or contacting people, or buying material. If I did not know about addiction I would think it is total madness.
I trying very hard to forgive him but it is harder because he has hurt our two daughters.
If I could rewind the clock when I was 25, I would run away from him, even if it was painful as I now know that the grief I go through now is so much more unbearable.
Thank you for giving me your story in a much bigger picture-type of way. When you can see the big picture, it definitely makes all of the feelings I'm experiencing in the moment seem... I guess the word I'm looking for is petty.
The unpredictability of people with addictive personality types is extremely scarey, especially to someone who is a part of their lives. I don't think I do well with unpredictability, so I guess in a way it makes me like a control freak. I believe its the reason why I rarely drink in excess, or why I've never been under the influence of anything myself, because I don't like the idea of losing control of my own body.
That's another reason why I could never be involved with someone struggling with a life of addiction, its a total and complete lack of control. I want control of my life and don't want it dictated by addiction.
I'm so sorry both you and your girls had your hearts broken. My little seven month mishap pales in comparison to your years of sufferring... and although I lack the life experience to offer any credible advice just yet, I will always be around, if ever you need to vent and unleash. I'm a very good listener if you need me :)
The unpredictability of people with addictive personality types is extremely scarey, especially to someone who is a part of their lives. I don't think I do well with unpredictability, so I guess in a way it makes me like a control freak. I believe its the reason why I rarely drink in excess, or why I've never been under the influence of anything myself, because I don't like the idea of losing control of my own body.
That's another reason why I could never be involved with someone struggling with a life of addiction, its a total and complete lack of control. I want control of my life and don't want it dictated by addiction.
I'm so sorry both you and your girls had your hearts broken. My little seven month mishap pales in comparison to your years of sufferring... and although I lack the life experience to offer any credible advice just yet, I will always be around, if ever you need to vent and unleash. I'm a very good listener if you need me :)
Age and experience does not always make a difference as I have often heard very wise words from my 17 years old daughter. When I look back 25 years ago or so I find that I was not very wise but there we are, and life is for learning.
This year I have learn so much by going to Alanon meeting and reading their literature. I try to use their tools to get better and somehow it works. I have read somewhere that it only requires practice and it is true. They have slogans that have help me survive, like "let go and let God" and "one day at a time". My situation is improving every day and even though I still have moments of frighteningly powerful sadness, I can say that their program works.
I am putting the focus on me and not on him anymore and I try to live in the moment, not in the past and not in the future.
Thank you for sharing and for your kindness.
This year I have learn so much by going to Alanon meeting and reading their literature. I try to use their tools to get better and somehow it works. I have read somewhere that it only requires practice and it is true. They have slogans that have help me survive, like "let go and let God" and "one day at a time". My situation is improving every day and even though I still have moments of frighteningly powerful sadness, I can say that their program works.
I am putting the focus on me and not on him anymore and I try to live in the moment, not in the past and not in the future.
Thank you for sharing and for your kindness.
No problem, I'm glad I can give you something to smile about :]...
There is just something about this whole forum that just makes me so happy. I come on here and read whenever I need a boost.
My break-up is still very recent, and I often times find that when I am by myself, I do a lot of thinking about "A"... just your typical breakup thoughts thinking back on the memories, and missing him. I used to text and call him a lot, and now my cell phone feels very under used, and just looking at it makes me sad. I also took down my Facebook... I just didn't want to deal with all that, so lately I've been felling very socially disconnected.
Then I come on here, read the posts that all of these amazing people have sent me, and it just makes me feel so much better. And most of the people posting on here are women, so I frequently just refer to the topic as "The Girls". When ever I come back to this website, I always say to myself, "Let's see if my girls have anything to say today." It's just that sense of community and comfort that makes this website a true God-send. I hope you can find the same comfort in this community as I did, it's just amazing here :]
There is just something about this whole forum that just makes me so happy. I come on here and read whenever I need a boost.
My break-up is still very recent, and I often times find that when I am by myself, I do a lot of thinking about "A"... just your typical breakup thoughts thinking back on the memories, and missing him. I used to text and call him a lot, and now my cell phone feels very under used, and just looking at it makes me sad. I also took down my Facebook... I just didn't want to deal with all that, so lately I've been felling very socially disconnected.
Then I come on here, read the posts that all of these amazing people have sent me, and it just makes me feel so much better. And most of the people posting on here are women, so I frequently just refer to the topic as "The Girls". When ever I come back to this website, I always say to myself, "Let's see if my girls have anything to say today." It's just that sense of community and comfort that makes this website a true God-send. I hope you can find the same comfort in this community as I did, it's just amazing here :]
So, "A"s Mom just called me to tell me he called her from Rehab, after his first week there, and we chatted for about 5 minutes or so. I think next to the phone call I made to him last, when we broke up, this is next most difficult phone call I've had...
I just miss them all so much, and she is such a sweet woman, we had built a very good relationship along side mine and A's (even though that was anything but healthy)... And I'm just really having a really hard time right now accepting that I let him (and his family) go.
I've been really good the past few days about not crying, but here I am again, holding myself and letting it out... All that potential of a relationship that could have been really good... Its all just been smashed by his addiction...
I'm just so upset right now... I really miss him so much...
I just miss them all so much, and she is such a sweet woman, we had built a very good relationship along side mine and A's (even though that was anything but healthy)... And I'm just really having a really hard time right now accepting that I let him (and his family) go.
I've been really good the past few days about not crying, but here I am again, holding myself and letting it out... All that potential of a relationship that could have been really good... Its all just been smashed by his addiction...
I'm just so upset right now... I really miss him so much...
I have cried so much. I know that feeling. I was completely desperate.
I cried every single day for 6 months. When we were really apart and I did not see him at all for a few weeks, I realized that I spent a whole day without one tear. From then on, it got better and I thought I had recover. But sometime, just a small thing trigger a terrible feeling of loss, of been betrayed, of being lonely, of fear of the future and I cry again and wonder when I will get over it. 28 years of living with someone cannot disappear just like this.
How can it be possible that the person I loved so much, the father of my two girls could hurt us so much. I know it's a disease, but still, it's so hard.
You are lucky enough to be young. There is so much better thing to do with one's life that to stay around addict, even if he is nice, mine was wonderful, even if his parents are nice.
The easiest way for me is not to see and not to hear from me but unfortunately I do hear and see him occasionally because of our daughter, and each time it is harder for me.
Keeping in the present and not looking back helps a lot.
Courage!
I cried every single day for 6 months. When we were really apart and I did not see him at all for a few weeks, I realized that I spent a whole day without one tear. From then on, it got better and I thought I had recover. But sometime, just a small thing trigger a terrible feeling of loss, of been betrayed, of being lonely, of fear of the future and I cry again and wonder when I will get over it. 28 years of living with someone cannot disappear just like this.
How can it be possible that the person I loved so much, the father of my two girls could hurt us so much. I know it's a disease, but still, it's so hard.
You are lucky enough to be young. There is so much better thing to do with one's life that to stay around addict, even if he is nice, mine was wonderful, even if his parents are nice.
The easiest way for me is not to see and not to hear from me but unfortunately I do hear and see him occasionally because of our daughter, and each time it is harder for me.
Keeping in the present and not looking back helps a lot.
Courage!
Thanks for your support. I'm trying REALLY hard to keep busy.
I don't think about him so much when I am around other people. I've been trying to do more with my roommates and things like that, and it keeps my busy.
The hardest times for me are when I am in laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep or driving long distances, which I tend to do twice a week since I go home on the weekends and the drive is usually an hour and 10 minutes. So sometimes I feel like I am my own worse enemy in that sense.
I'm going to try, I really am. It's just so hard, and I hate missing him. And its even worse, after becoming so close with his mom... Neither of us did anything wrong, and yet now the relationship that we built with each other needs to be diminished. It's just so hard...
I just miss him... and the scary thing is... I'm not so sure I want to stop missing him. I'm just finding it very hard to let go, and my mind is filling itself with "what ifs". Like what if his first time in rehab is his last. What if he beats this, and it never touches him again. What if this is just an obstacle in his life that won't proceed any further after this?
Those "what ifs" are killing me, and it makes missing him so much worse.
I don't think about him so much when I am around other people. I've been trying to do more with my roommates and things like that, and it keeps my busy.
The hardest times for me are when I am in laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep or driving long distances, which I tend to do twice a week since I go home on the weekends and the drive is usually an hour and 10 minutes. So sometimes I feel like I am my own worse enemy in that sense.
I'm going to try, I really am. It's just so hard, and I hate missing him. And its even worse, after becoming so close with his mom... Neither of us did anything wrong, and yet now the relationship that we built with each other needs to be diminished. It's just so hard...
I just miss him... and the scary thing is... I'm not so sure I want to stop missing him. I'm just finding it very hard to let go, and my mind is filling itself with "what ifs". Like what if his first time in rehab is his last. What if he beats this, and it never touches him again. What if this is just an obstacle in his life that won't proceed any further after this?
Those "what ifs" are killing me, and it makes missing him so much worse.
Angel,
Have you thought about attending Alanon? They also have open NA/AA meetings where you may get more insight on addiction.
I am a recovering addict with an addict daughter. Addiction has nothing to do with willpower. It is a disease that effects every area of our lives. I'd like to welcome Zoumbie to the boards. That poster shows you how addiction isn't about drugs alone. It can go from drugs to gambling, shopping, food, sex, porn, rock climbing, etc.
I personally think about 75% of the population has some form of addiction or addictive personality. Don't we all like feeling good? And how many look for things on the outside to make them feel better? Anyways....lol
I feel your pain through your post. Is there counseling through your school? That may be some help too.
Have you thought about attending Alanon? They also have open NA/AA meetings where you may get more insight on addiction.
I am a recovering addict with an addict daughter. Addiction has nothing to do with willpower. It is a disease that effects every area of our lives. I'd like to welcome Zoumbie to the boards. That poster shows you how addiction isn't about drugs alone. It can go from drugs to gambling, shopping, food, sex, porn, rock climbing, etc.
I personally think about 75% of the population has some form of addiction or addictive personality. Don't we all like feeling good? And how many look for things on the outside to make them feel better? Anyways....lol
I feel your pain through your post. Is there counseling through your school? That may be some help too.
I would go to the counselors at school, but I'm afraid I've ran out of time to utilize that resource. I graduate on December 15, and between then I have a week for Thanksgiving Break, not to mention 3 papers that need to be 10+ pages long (and my normal course work). I also think it might be very difficult to get an appointment with one of the counselors.
But I was actually just thinking about Al-Anon today. Is that just for people affected by alcoholism or do they focus on drug addiction as well? I think "A" had some issues with alcoholism but the biggest issue right now is his struggle with heroin and how it's affected me.
I actually know pretty much nothing about Al-Anon. Is it for current loved ones of substance abusers, or can people attend who have broken up/left them? I would assume it's also for those who's loved ones have died, as well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being a little dramatic (especially compared to everyone else on here) being so upset over something that lasted 7 months which I was given the choice to walk away from. It hurts, but in just so many ways it greatly pales in comparison to everyone else's struggles. Would going to Al-Anon meetings seem a little... much for something that lasted only months in which I had more control over?
But I was actually just thinking about Al-Anon today. Is that just for people affected by alcoholism or do they focus on drug addiction as well? I think "A" had some issues with alcoholism but the biggest issue right now is his struggle with heroin and how it's affected me.
I actually know pretty much nothing about Al-Anon. Is it for current loved ones of substance abusers, or can people attend who have broken up/left them? I would assume it's also for those who's loved ones have died, as well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being a little dramatic (especially compared to everyone else on here) being so upset over something that lasted 7 months which I was given the choice to walk away from. It hurts, but in just so many ways it greatly pales in comparison to everyone else's struggles. Would going to Al-Anon meetings seem a little... much for something that lasted only months in which I had more control over?
Angel,
Alanon is for people whose lives have been affected by drug/alcohol use of someone they love. It doesn't matter you only dated 7 months. You can find more info on line. Google Alanon.
Alanon is for people whose lives have been affected by drug/alcohol use of someone they love. It doesn't matter you only dated 7 months. You can find more info on line. Google Alanon.
In AlAnon they use the word "alcoholic", but I mentally substituted "addict"...it's all the same disease. People go to learn how to handle THEIR feelings, not to learn about their addicted loved one, though that's a side benefit. The goal is to understand what drives us to make the choices we make with regards to how we handle our role in the problem, how to set limits, how to be peaceful with all of it. Some people go to find out what to do for their addicted loved one and then realize that the help found there is for themselves. Try it, it might help, it's free, and you can just go there and listen, there's no pressure to participate...do what feels right to you. Going to NA or AA is fine once in awhile when invited to do so, but I only took my daughter once or twice, it felt a little voyeuristic and inhibited her ability to speak freely about her addiction and her struggle, so I bowed out.
Peace ~ M&M
Peace ~ M&M
I think I'll definitely do that then. I'm gonna look up a meeting I can go to while I'm at school, and then check out the ones around home I can go to once I graduate in December. Does it matter if I go to one maybe once or twice at first and then end up going to another one solely because of location? I honestly have no idea what to expect.
Also... would it be beneficial for me to go with someone or by myself? Because I think I would most likely ask my mom to go, she's been so supportive of me through this.
Would you recommend I go to the Narcotics version of Al-Anon if I find one?
Also... would it be beneficial for me to go with someone or by myself? Because I think I would most likely ask my mom to go, she's been so supportive of me through this.
Would you recommend I go to the Narcotics version of Al-Anon if I find one?
Bump
Hi Angel,
I have just stumbled upon this thread and I'm going through exactly what you went through all these years ago...
I broke up with my addict partner of 4 years, and I'm hurting a lot.
I'd like to know how you've recovered, if you've kept in touch with your ex, if he's recovered...
I guess I need a little hope if there is any...
Thanks.
S
"You will not change what you are willing to tolerate"
I have just stumbled upon this thread and I'm going through exactly what you went through all these years ago...
I broke up with my addict partner of 4 years, and I'm hurting a lot.
I'd like to know how you've recovered, if you've kept in touch with your ex, if he's recovered...
I guess I need a little hope if there is any...
Thanks.
S
"You will not change what you are willing to tolerate"
