I have been with my husband for 9 years just under 2 years married. About a month ago I found out he was cheating on me with one woman for almost a year and with various other women off and on as well. I am so broken he was acting so weird and even though he said he wouldn't do it again it continued so I asked him to leave, he said he loved me and the kids but that this was probably best for us, some time apart and that he would be back. A few days after he left i found out that he has been using what I believe to be Meth. The situation has just gotten so much worse. I love this man with all my heart and now i feel horrible that I asked him to leave. Did I do the right thing? With him gone I am not able to help him and his addiction seems to have gotten so much worse. He denys using but I can see it in him. The few times I have seen him since he left he just looks worse and worse he has lost so much weight and his face and skin look terrible. I am so heartbroken, I love him so much and wish there were a way I could help him. I know he doesn't want my help right now. I read about people saying a Meth addict doesn't love anything but their drug but then how is he so "in Love" with this other woman (who is also an addict) but not me. I have helped him and supported him and loved him through so many rough times. I don't understand how this is happening or why it happened or what caused it. I'm just so hurt and the pain is even worse when I see how broken my children are because they love him so much and they think they are to blame for him leaving us. I try to reassure them that he is sick and we are not to blame but it's so hard for them to understand, just like it is for me.
Last week he threatened me to give him the title to his car (which is in both our names) or he was going to break into the house and take everything worth value. I am sometimes scared, I don't know if he really would (I changed all the locks a couple of weeks after he left). Him and his girlfriend were selling stolen things and deposited bad checks into our account which I recently was able to take him off of and i'm not sure what else is next. I love him so much and want to be there to help him through all of this but I'm afraid of how to protect myself financially before we end up on the streets because of his actions and choices. I am his wife and now that I know he has this problem I feel horrible for having made him leave without trying to help him and myself understand. had I known this was going on before I never would have made him leave. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do now. I asked him if he wants a divorce and he says no or sometimes will just change the subject so I don't ask him about it anymore. Does that mean he still loves me? Do I keep holding on? Do I just let go. I found out not only does the girl he's with use but a lot of his friends as well. I feel like i've been with a complete stranger for the last year. I don't know why he married me if he wanted this single/addict life. I just love him so much and we've been together for so long I don't know how or if I should let go or keep fighting to hold on and try to help. i keep hoping every day that this will get easier but it doesn't. I pray every day and every night hoping God will make a way for him to change but I know everything happens in Gods time and not my own. I'm so confused as to where to go from here...:'(
i am sorry you find yourself in this situation- you did the right thing asking him to leave- what you said about meth addicts putting the drugs first is true of all addicts regardless of what substance we are addicted to- the drugs will always take precedence- if his new girl-freind is an addict then it is a match made in heaven for them both- they can use without having to hide it- addicts are always attracted to people who live a similar lifestyle-we dont think like other people- you must protect yourself and your kids- that has to be your priority-as for helping him- its an old song but its true- he wont quit till he is ready- no matter what you or anyone else does or says- that is how it works- he needs to want to quit far more than he wants to use in order to get clean and more importantly to stay clean- as to feeling guilty, what are you guilty of? he chose to take the drugs, nothing to do with you, no matter what excuse he uses- he took them-we are all responsible for our actions- being addicted to drink/drugs does not release us from that responsibility- his choice his responsibility- you have absolutely no responsibility for this mans choices- walk away-do not blame yourself for the actions of others-i wish you the best of luck
Thank you for your response. I guess the hardest part of letting go is that my beliefs are "in sickness and in health, til death do us part" I gave him my only chance of life of being married and in love. It hurts to know he is out with someone else and happy and I have to suffer alone for the rest of my life because of his choices. I know not every one may believe that way but I still feel too young to have to spend the rest of my life all alone.
I definitely am putting my kids first though. They are the absolute most important part of my life. I would never take a chance at losing them over someone else's choices. It hurts me to watch them hurting but I am learning there is nothing I can do to change that fact that the person we once knew and loved is gone...at least for now. I just pray this gets easier and less painful.
Thanks again for your response.
I definitely am putting my kids first though. They are the absolute most important part of my life. I would never take a chance at losing them over someone else's choices. It hurts me to watch them hurting but I am learning there is nothing I can do to change that fact that the person we once knew and loved is gone...at least for now. I just pray this gets easier and less painful.
Thanks again for your response.
Is this ever gonna get easier? :'(
YES it will get easier, it will take time, you have had your beliefs challenged, your whole life has been changed-due to the actions of others-the lack of control in these situations can be hard to deal with- you may be questioning your decisions- have you done the right thing-you need to get some support for yourself-you must take care of yourself and your kids-there is no quick fix solution for your feelings -Addiction has entered your life without you inviting it in-your trust has been broken and that is very hard to live with-perhaps you might think about going to an organisation like al-anon or NA where you will find people who are dealing with the same emotional turmoil brought into their lives by the curse of addiction- unfortunately it is the family of the addicts that pay the highest price for our addiction in many cases-keep posting here and you will find there are alot of people in simmiliar circumstances- hang in there, it will get better-remember you must take care of you, for your sake and the sake of your kids-you have done nothing to deserve this-best of luck and please let us know how you are getting on- you are far from alone -best of luck-
Thank you :)
we will be starting AlAnon/Alateen and Celebrate Recovery next week.
I just found out my husband has just asked his addict girlfriend to marry him. He didn't even come see or call the kids for Christmas. I guess he was too busy with her and her family. I just don't understand how this is happening...one minute i'm married...things weren't the best but I was with my husband, married doing my best to make him happy and the next minute I find out my husband is cheating and using drugs and now that he's asked another woman to marry him after he told me he never planned to get divorced. I'm so sick, hurt, angry and confused.
we will be starting AlAnon/Alateen and Celebrate Recovery next week.
I just found out my husband has just asked his addict girlfriend to marry him. He didn't even come see or call the kids for Christmas. I guess he was too busy with her and her family. I just don't understand how this is happening...one minute i'm married...things weren't the best but I was with my husband, married doing my best to make him happy and the next minute I find out my husband is cheating and using drugs and now that he's asked another woman to marry him after he told me he never planned to get divorced. I'm so sick, hurt, angry and confused.
The power of addiction has just arrived in your life with all the madness that goes with it-i would doubt that he asked her to marry him in the cold light of day when withdrawls were setting in for both of them! more likely they were both high -i wonder does this woman know your husband is actually married - hard as it is you have to concentrate on your own well being- being hurt like that is terrible and nobody deserves to be treated like that ! regardless of addiction we are all responsible for our actions-when the drugs/ money run out i wonder how long this relationship will last-but you must remain strong and take care of yourself- good plan going to those support groups-you will be amazed at how many peoples lives have been damaged by the addiction of other familly members- i think you will get alot of support there-it is important that you bear in mind that nothing you have done can be blamed for your husbands addiction- HE IS AN ADDICT- and it is his choice to use or not every day-it is his choice alone-we addicts are good at blaming everyone and everything but ourselves for the situations we find ourselves in- WE ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ADDICTION / RECOVERY- WE MAKE THAT CHOICE DAILY- do not make the mistake that you could have saved him from himself-it doesent work like that- i really hope you get all the support you need and perhaps some answers as well from the support groups- keep us posted -the best of luck-if you need to rant or cut lose feel free -
Yes she does know that he is married. Not that she cares...obviously why would she if he doesn't. She also said he told her that our children are mine and not his and she believes him and who knows what other lies he has told her about me. She called me down and it took everything in me to take the high road and not go hunt her down.
Thank you for your words and advice. I am hoping to learn to love myself and get past all this hurt and pain. Right now I feel like a worthless piece of garbage that has just been thrown away after spending so many YEARS loving and supporting a man who I thought loved me when he finally asked me to marry him only to be treated worse after we were married and he started using and cheating on me than before.
I am just praying for peace in my heart and to be rid of the hurt and anger that eats away at me every minute of every day.
Not understanding how he could hurt me like this but more so how could hurt the kids like this.
I know i'll probably never know or understand I just hope I can get past it someway somehow.
Thanks so your support and for listening
Thank you for your words and advice. I am hoping to learn to love myself and get past all this hurt and pain. Right now I feel like a worthless piece of garbage that has just been thrown away after spending so many YEARS loving and supporting a man who I thought loved me when he finally asked me to marry him only to be treated worse after we were married and he started using and cheating on me than before.
I am just praying for peace in my heart and to be rid of the hurt and anger that eats away at me every minute of every day.
Not understanding how he could hurt me like this but more so how could hurt the kids like this.
I know i'll probably never know or understand I just hope I can get past it someway somehow.
Thanks so your support and for listening
The good Lord does not give us anymore than what we can handle. This is all his fault, not yours. Do not place any of the blame on anyone but him. Don't feel sorry for yourself and think..oh I'll be alone and miserable for the rest of my life while he's out living it up. He's in his own personal hell right now, but the drugs won't let him realize that. He may wake up one day and think..omg what have I done? I've abandoned my wife and my kids, for this? Hopefully at that point you will have moved on with a man who loves And values you. Don't give up...don't feel like your life is doomed now. He's not worth it. As hard as it is...pick yourself up and walk on. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep yourself busy. God bless, and I wish nothing but the best for you and your kids.
I know how you Feel about beating yourself up. I'm doing the same thing but not married and only one 4 month old daughter. I cry every day hoping baby's mom will want to change herself. Loving an addict is a dark hellish place. Even if all the lights are there, the addict is the on who has to turn them on. Focus on you and the children. . It's hard. You can do this.
You are far from worthless, the way this guy has treated you is disgraceful- because he has chosen to behave in this manner towards you and your children does not reflect on you or your worth-i know you may find it hard to accept this right now but you are worthy of nothing but respect in the dignified way you have behaved-being addicted to any substance does not go anyway towards excusing what this guy has done-you should be proud of the way you have behaved and the way you are looking out for your children- do not let this guy drag you down to the gutter where this guy and this woman obviously reside-be strong-be proud of who you are and of your children-walk away from this guy with your head held high- this guy is not worth a second look backwards-i will remember you in my prayers -your kids are very lucky to have a mom like you to watch out for them-best of luck-keep posting and let us know how you are getting on-
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I definitely need it. If it wasn't for my children I don't know where I would be right now. I know I have to be strong for them and hopefully I will also learn to be strong for me. I am praying to God for strength and peace and for this new year to be a better start for me. I do love my husband with all my heart and soul even after all he's done but sadly I know he's no longer the man I once knew and I'm not sure of he ever will be again. I do pray he will turn his life around before it's too late and I am learning that I have to do the same for myself and my children and i hope that the pain hes caused them will never lead them down the same road as their dad.
Thanks again for your support and advice. I will be praying for you all as well!! *HUGS*
Thanks again for your support and advice. I will be praying for you all as well!! *HUGS*
Hi there brknhearted -i hope you are doing ok-hang in there - you have a new year to look forward to with your children -make it a new start for you too-best of luck-
Thanks...i'm sure trying.
I think it would be easier if I had some kind of closure. (maybe and maybe not) I wish my husband was man enough to at least tell me he doesn't love me anymore or never wants to be with me again or something instead of just leaving me wondering what happened. I mean I know what's going on but Why couldn't he just tell me to my face that he wants someone else and doesn't care for us anymore. I know I just have to get over it, It's so much easier said than done. I hate when the what if's take over my mind or I second guess myself for him leaving and wonder what could have been, even though I do know I can't or wouldn't have been able to change anything.
My kids were in tears last night missing their dad and it's just so hard to not have any answers to give them or even know what to say or how to comfort them besides letting them know that I love them. I NEVER talk down about him to them, ever but It makes me so angry how he's hurt them and doesn't even care. How he's just going on with his life while we're suffering from his actions. They're children, they don't deserve to be hurt and abandoned and feel like they are unloved or to have their hearts broken by someone they love so very much. :'(
We only have a few more days before our meetings start. I pray they will help us to get past this sooner.
Thanks again for your support and for checking on me I appreciate it *HUGS*
I think it would be easier if I had some kind of closure. (maybe and maybe not) I wish my husband was man enough to at least tell me he doesn't love me anymore or never wants to be with me again or something instead of just leaving me wondering what happened. I mean I know what's going on but Why couldn't he just tell me to my face that he wants someone else and doesn't care for us anymore. I know I just have to get over it, It's so much easier said than done. I hate when the what if's take over my mind or I second guess myself for him leaving and wonder what could have been, even though I do know I can't or wouldn't have been able to change anything.
My kids were in tears last night missing their dad and it's just so hard to not have any answers to give them or even know what to say or how to comfort them besides letting them know that I love them. I NEVER talk down about him to them, ever but It makes me so angry how he's hurt them and doesn't even care. How he's just going on with his life while we're suffering from his actions. They're children, they don't deserve to be hurt and abandoned and feel like they are unloved or to have their hearts broken by someone they love so very much. :'(
We only have a few more days before our meetings start. I pray they will help us to get past this sooner.
Thanks again for your support and for checking on me I appreciate it *HUGS*
"We only have a few more days before our meetings start. I pray they will help us to get past this sooner."
I won't guarantee the meetings will get you through this situation "sooner" but I will guarantee they will get you through it "completely", "wholly" and with self-respect & dignity. Is that good?
I posted a short thread in alcohol forum about 2 expectations we have coming to recovery.
They go for both the drunk/addict and the co-dependants.
This will pass. How it passes and who you are coming out of it depends on what you do now.
Your Al-Anon and Al-Ateen etc. meetings will carry you to a better place down the line.
When you have stuck with it and worked it you will know what I mean.
All the best.
Bob R
I won't guarantee the meetings will get you through this situation "sooner" but I will guarantee they will get you through it "completely", "wholly" and with self-respect & dignity. Is that good?
I posted a short thread in alcohol forum about 2 expectations we have coming to recovery.
They go for both the drunk/addict and the co-dependants.
This will pass. How it passes and who you are coming out of it depends on what you do now.
Your Al-Anon and Al-Ateen etc. meetings will carry you to a better place down the line.
When you have stuck with it and worked it you will know what I mean.
All the best.
Bob R
Thank you
