Dear B and J,
In case i forget...Happy Easter to you both....
He stopped by here today after work...oh yeah he calls from work wishing me a Happy Easter and calling me Honey (i could smell the bulls**t over the phone and started getting nervous)
I haven't seen him in over a month and as soon as he showed up (now being testy and distant) i could see that he lost weight and he basically looked older and more worn out.
It was impossible to have a conversation with him nor pin him down for any explanation regarding his secretive behavior of late as he completely dismissed any of my inquiries and either changed the subject or never allowed me to complete a full sentence....he was so brittle and cold and scoffed when i alluded to the fact that he sounded so sad when he called me that Wednesday before his following Thursday P.O. appointment and didn't care to comment on why it seem so urgent for him to come over that day....i think as you guys said that he was straight that day and for a second the 'wall' came down and some emotion popped up.
When i asked him if he was seeing another woman...he got angry and once again told me that he would have no trouble telling me if he was. I then asked him who he was spending all his time with now and he said he wouldn't tell me as it was none of my business.
First thing he did...as always was to show me a bill for new tires he had to put on his car and complained that he had no money even to buy me an Easter Card and that this past month was a bad month for him in general....he also mentioned that he didn't like coming to where i lived now as the cops here are pretty strict whereas before he never cared.
He mentioned seeing this guy stopping at a red light near where he worked today...an old using buddy he hadn't seen in years. Ironically the last time he saw this guy supposedly was when i was with him and we had gone to this guy's house for Easter....the ex bf and the guy went out to buy some soda and left me with this other friend who kept getting drunk......the ex bf and the guy didn't come back for about 2 hours and when they did the drunken guy i was stuck with waiting for them to return told me that my ex bf just shot up in the bathroom after he and his friend came in.
Kinda ironic too that after the ex bf working at the factory for 3 years now...he sees this old using buddy today stopping at a red light near there and stranger still my ex bf tells me that he heard this guy is still shooting dope and up to his old tricks.....how would my ex bf know that if he only saw the guy in passing at a stop light?
Somehow i feel the ex bf is trying to tell me in a round about way that he is using by talking about these incidents or telling me that he is hanging out with someone but it is none of my business....as if i should read between the lines...he is now urging me to move back to NYC again.
I told him that i know something is wrong and i am worried about him but of course he sneered at that also...but he knows i know.
He said he might drop by on Easter Day but he is going to a friend's house Saturday to have a few beers and he might be too worn out to come over the next day but he would call regardless.....of course i know he won't show and the reason why....he didn't even inquire about my telling him his sister just had a dangerous operation much less cared.
His not wanting sex anymore still plays with my head but i know he doesn't care about sex too much if he is using and if there is another woman than it doesn't seem like she is throwing money his way for things and the more i try to express my concern for his welfare the more he pushes me away and acts hard.....and the rejection still hurts and the secrecy..
His sleeves were rolled up and i didn't see any new track marks although he caught me looking and got mad and i could say that maybe he is just with another woman smoking pot not doing heroin...
but he doesn't look good or like he is in love although he got his beard almost shaved off and seems older and more worn out...unless it is because he is getting too much sex..
thanx for listening guys
love MARY
See? Aha. Just as I thought. Mary, I used to do the same thing. Exactly. I might be low on cash or even just have a shrivel ounce of caring left, and would proceed to visit a boyfriend. In conversation I too would mention I saw this person or that, and the lies would tumble out, and hello I mean who did I think I was fooling? Nobody. I basically was ratting/diming myself out, and HOPED UPON HOPE the guy would take pity, and throw me twenty or something.
Looking older is not good. natural aging of course. In a month though? No. Plus hells no he ain't wantin to chat about a PO or his sister. No way.
Your moving on up, Mary. Seeing is believing, and something you knew in your heart. I know you love him. I can't say why we love people the way we do, but you love you. It's starting to show. Lord honey you ain't getting no Easter card. God forbid. You don't need one, sweetie. Hang on, and let go.
Looking older is not good. natural aging of course. In a month though? No. Plus hells no he ain't wantin to chat about a PO or his sister. No way.
Your moving on up, Mary. Seeing is believing, and something you knew in your heart. I know you love him. I can't say why we love people the way we do, but you love you. It's starting to show. Lord honey you ain't getting no Easter card. God forbid. You don't need one, sweetie. Hang on, and let go.
