Bryn,
Totally screwed up...didn't know if i should air it out here...thank goodness for the strong but probably saturated shoulders of both Cynical One and Jenniferlee to cry upon of the message boards.
You are very wise as well so i will lay it out for you...try to encapsulate the whole mess into a less than a mile post.
Broke the no contact rule....called the ex bf at his job last Friday afternoon...just to say hello with some lame excuse of giving him my new cell number suggesting we shoot the sh## down the road....to my surprise he wanted to come over that evening but as i was busy he insisted on dropping by early Saturday afternoon.
Haven't physically seen him in 6 months nor heard from him since the barrage of calls he made to me around the holidays...my never picking up the phone....his leaving holiday ho ho hos messages with just a tinge of boo hoo hoos in his voice.
He came over Saturday...first thing i noticed was that he was much thinner than usual...not emaciated..and that his eyes had a 'stoned' cast to them but he wasn't smoking pot and he knows i know he does and would have no reason to hide the fact.
He claims that he didn't have the money to buy any and that the kid he buys it from wouldn't front him any. He was on this emotional roller coaster and any questions put to him were regarded with anger suspicion and quick change of topic. What really got me was that despite his wrath he would suddenly start crying which he hasn't done for a long time since i have known him.
He did not get an early release from probation which really pissed him off and so he has to serve the whole 5 yrs having done almost 3 yrs so far.
All he talked about was how much he was in the red financially..not having any money in his pocket with major expenses pending...he lost his glasses which he doesn't have the money to replace and he was minus the platinum cross i bought him years ago which he was so careful not to lose and he claimed he lost it....and that dude even during his highest times never misplaced that cross and chain.
He lets slip out that the drug dealing woman he lived with when i kicked him out and where he was busted for his latest drug felony...died about a month ago. He said that he had to help with her cremation expenses as her family didn't have the money....he didn't know what she died from....and he showed no remorse....he even snarled and stated that although she was on probation for yet another trafficking charge...she continued to deal and use right up until the end.....er....why was he hanging out with her and why wouldn't her son front him some free pot if the ex bf contributed to the son's mom's cremation?
Crap!...that woman had children grandchildren Aunts Uncles friends etc...who all attended her final services.....and wrote very nice things about her in the Guest Book...i don't think the ex bf's money was sorely needed and besides he never has any....he knew this woman for years and her kids as well and he hadn't one nice word for her....geez even i cried when i heard she died as it just seem so sad that she had so much but yet she chose such a wasted life style.
Well.....he also said he had been sick for 3 days the preceding week...describing them ol' 'flu like' symptoms which sound a lot like heroin withdrawal symptoms as well...but he still maintains that he doesn't use...i don't know...a man that has shot dope for over 30 years...hanging out with drug dealers and users still?
He starts getting really amorous...crying and swearing he hasn't had a hug or sex in 6 months...wanting to kiss me and all that crap...but i said no but he still persisted.....anyway...he asked me to at least sit with him while he 'unloaded' so to speak...trying to kiss me with his broken missing teeth as he did his 'thing' with himself....eee--yuuk
Afterwards he told me that he forgot but he has to stop by and see a friend that just got out of prison...i know this friend..he did a year for selling crack...the ex bf said i could go along and he would come back and spend the night.
All of a sudden i hear a phone ring and i thought it was my cell phone but he jumps up and takes this new looking cell phone out of his jacket....i hear some raspy female voice asking him if he was going to stop by later on...and he just answered with a simple "maybe" and quickly hung up!
He always said he would never get a cell phone as he hadn't any friends and wouldn't want anybody to get a hold of him anyway...he has really bad credit history too....besides he never has any money...not even to go to a movie and he can afford a cell phone....and how come he didn't tell me he had one.
Of course he got all mad that i was upset and wanted to leave...he wouldn't give me the number but told me to call him at work instead but he always hated me calling him on the job....he even said that maybe the cell phone wasn't really his.
Bryn....we ain't together anymore so if he wants a cell phone or is involved with another woman..it his right....BUT...why is he trying to jump my bones or crying the money blues.....isn't that what the woman is there for..and why would he be unfaithful to her?
He never once asked me about if i had heard from his daughter since September and he never called any of his relatives around the holidays but said he would have come over Christmas if he could have gotten a hold of me. He even talked about taking a trip together if he had the money..
I know i won't hear from him again for a long time and i am so hurt that he wouldn't give me his cell phone number and that he lied about there not being another woman or getting laid in 6 months...
i am so depressed and angry and i wish i could do something
sorry this is so long......c'mon Bryn..what do you think
he is up to....i think he is unraveling and bound for trouble
and i don't think he is with a 'nice' woman and maybe he
has taken over the recently deceased drug dealer's clients
AAAAHHHHHH....love you MARY
P.S....i am crying right now and too exhausted to check my spelling
and grammar
Hey All,
can't seen to track down the B....i know it is a rather lengthy post but if anybody can wade through it all...i would really value your opinion...i know i shouldn't have contacted him but i did and i am struggling trying to piece the puzzle together but my wounded heart has cancelled out logic right now..
Diff..Jack...are you there?
hope Bryn is okay too....love MARY
can't seen to track down the B....i know it is a rather lengthy post but if anybody can wade through it all...i would really value your opinion...i know i shouldn't have contacted him but i did and i am struggling trying to piece the puzzle together but my wounded heart has cancelled out logic right now..
Diff..Jack...are you there?
hope Bryn is okay too....love MARY
Mary -
I am sorry you are hurting, and I am sorry not too many people seem to be around tonight. I don't really have much to say to you, since you don't post on the families board anymore I am not familiar with how your story has been going.
Don't waste too much time beating yourself up for calling. As a recovering addict yourself, I am sure you know that relapses happen. This is what I believe you have experienced - a relapse in your recovery from him.
You know by now the tricks our minds play on us. We can turn the smallest thing into a million questions, most beginning with why and most of them without answers. Please try to calm the desperation you are feeling tonight. I know how difficult it is, I have been there many times.
If you would like to communicate personally, my e-mail is jp10158@yahoo.com. I won't be on long tonight, I have my own personal conflict in the morning. I have to meet with an attorney, definitely need to be well rested to deal with that one.
Just know that I am thinking of you and praying you find at least enough peace to get some sleep so you can function better tomorrow.
Misty
I am sorry you are hurting, and I am sorry not too many people seem to be around tonight. I don't really have much to say to you, since you don't post on the families board anymore I am not familiar with how your story has been going.
Don't waste too much time beating yourself up for calling. As a recovering addict yourself, I am sure you know that relapses happen. This is what I believe you have experienced - a relapse in your recovery from him.
You know by now the tricks our minds play on us. We can turn the smallest thing into a million questions, most beginning with why and most of them without answers. Please try to calm the desperation you are feeling tonight. I know how difficult it is, I have been there many times.
If you would like to communicate personally, my e-mail is jp10158@yahoo.com. I won't be on long tonight, I have my own personal conflict in the morning. I have to meet with an attorney, definitely need to be well rested to deal with that one.
Just know that I am thinking of you and praying you find at least enough peace to get some sleep so you can function better tomorrow.
Misty
Mary,
I spend a lot of time reading posts here and follow many people and many stories, and you more than anyone on this board throw me completely off. You are easily one of the brightest, most well-read and cultivated, literate people that writes on this site.......and please that is meant without any type of offense to anyone here - just high praise for MARY.....so I dont even get what this is all about for you
Lord knows what brought you together in the first place, cause from what I have read on here this man thats got you all riled up seems like a complete prince, but I know, I KNOW you know more than this MARY. Why is he trying to jump your bones and crying the money blues.....?
CAUSE YOU LET HIM. CAUSE YOU OPEND UP THE DOOR FOR HIM TO. CAUSE HE IS SETTING UP ONE MORE PERSON TO HIT UP WHEN HE COMES TO NEED IT MOST - KEEPING YOUR FLAME LIT ON THAT OLBACK BURNER.
My non professional opinion.....you're still looking for what so many who love addicts want....you want him to come back and apologize, to tell you that he wishes he had chosen you over what he chose, you want him to tell you he is miserable, and you want the chance to once again save him from himself.
Let go MARY....
Best wishes...
A FRIEND
Gurlllllllll, oh I am so sorry I was not on.......wallowing in my own stuff.....I'm sorry Mary........I'dda been right here for ya..
I hope you aren't crying now.......I'll tell ya the way my mind works I was thinking she's doing herself in........to she's eating too much.....you figure that one out.......LOL......where'd I get that.
Hmmmm, you may be right about him picking up the clients.......thus a cell phone........well, the release thingie ummmm, ya know how that goes....I'm sorry I am laughing right now.......kind of got a love/hate thing with dudes getting with themselves.....I must say good for you though not getting on with that........last thing ya need.
Mary, you have a good heart........see you even felt bad about that lady who died........ultimately though her death is effecting his NOW.........so ya might be right about the business end.........Mary, who knows for real and this sounds wacky but ya had to be connected in a last life.......least wise that old haunting feeling would not come up.
Hey, I ain't no Doctor or nuttin, but that dude even fanegels me.....it's God's great mystery how his mind works.......about his eyes maybe he is sick, Mary.
I think I know that glassy look ya mean like filmed over......not high.....like glazed and filmy......I just don't know.
Ohhhhhhh, I bet the cell is the poor dead ladies......then again he'd have to pay the bill........Mary I'm sorry if I was newsie......and then I wasn't the heck on here, and how nice people responded.......that's right too, Mary you are intelligent and kind and golden and sweet........yes you are.
Still though I can't say why you care or what you're searching for or actually nothing but I feel your pain.......I know it means so much to you.......to KNOW!
Hey, we love people ya know......my intelligence has nada to do with who I love.
My common sense or lack of has nothing to do with who I ALLOWED to hurt me........an old saying like..........................................................................
"SOMETIMES IT JUST BEES THAT WAY" comes to mind and your feelings are your own......Freud probably couldn't figure that dude out.....ya know though it seems like he is merely existing.......I don't think he has any joy, Mary....like no excitement or a real joy even with his getting with himself.....I jest...sorry if I offend anyone, but sure he gets calls.........sure he still walks this earth.....maybe he is an addict of the junk kind.......but at some point way back he meant the world to you........and life is ugly.........and he figures into it and ya probably even pity him somewhere deep down.
Mary, one thing I do know.......you can rhyme better than Lil Kim and Beanie put together.......you reach out to people and help them......you are cherished....BUT with that man I just don't know.......hopefully in the next life you'll be his boss and kick his arse........I care Mary.
Jennifer Lee and Cynical One they are two fierce forces to have on your side.
Yo, Mary something got to give........I'm sorry you are so sad.....I am.
I hope you aren't crying now.......I'll tell ya the way my mind works I was thinking she's doing herself in........to she's eating too much.....you figure that one out.......LOL......where'd I get that.
Hmmmm, you may be right about him picking up the clients.......thus a cell phone........well, the release thingie ummmm, ya know how that goes....I'm sorry I am laughing right now.......kind of got a love/hate thing with dudes getting with themselves.....I must say good for you though not getting on with that........last thing ya need.
Mary, you have a good heart........see you even felt bad about that lady who died........ultimately though her death is effecting his NOW.........so ya might be right about the business end.........Mary, who knows for real and this sounds wacky but ya had to be connected in a last life.......least wise that old haunting feeling would not come up.
Hey, I ain't no Doctor or nuttin, but that dude even fanegels me.....it's God's great mystery how his mind works.......about his eyes maybe he is sick, Mary.
I think I know that glassy look ya mean like filmed over......not high.....like glazed and filmy......I just don't know.
Ohhhhhhh, I bet the cell is the poor dead ladies......then again he'd have to pay the bill........Mary I'm sorry if I was newsie......and then I wasn't the heck on here, and how nice people responded.......that's right too, Mary you are intelligent and kind and golden and sweet........yes you are.
Still though I can't say why you care or what you're searching for or actually nothing but I feel your pain.......I know it means so much to you.......to KNOW!
Hey, we love people ya know......my intelligence has nada to do with who I love.
My common sense or lack of has nothing to do with who I ALLOWED to hurt me........an old saying like..........................................................................
"SOMETIMES IT JUST BEES THAT WAY" comes to mind and your feelings are your own......Freud probably couldn't figure that dude out.....ya know though it seems like he is merely existing.......I don't think he has any joy, Mary....like no excitement or a real joy even with his getting with himself.....I jest...sorry if I offend anyone, but sure he gets calls.........sure he still walks this earth.....maybe he is an addict of the junk kind.......but at some point way back he meant the world to you........and life is ugly.........and he figures into it and ya probably even pity him somewhere deep down.
Mary, one thing I do know.......you can rhyme better than Lil Kim and Beanie put together.......you reach out to people and help them......you are cherished....BUT with that man I just don't know.......hopefully in the next life you'll be his boss and kick his arse........I care Mary.
Jennifer Lee and Cynical One they are two fierce forces to have on your side.
Yo, Mary something got to give........I'm sorry you are so sad.....I am.
Thanx Misty and 'Friend',
i really need to know in order to let go...in order to slay the dragon one must truly know the nature of the beast....i am not seeking to rescue but rather trying to save myself...my prince of yore is the wolf in sheep's raiment at the door.
i have lost the knack..the edge so to speak...to distinguish between appearances and reality...perhaps i have been too long in recovery (a month short of twenty years) to assess the situation clearly with the once finely honed skills of an addict...an alcoholic..but an addict all the same.
of course there is another woman in the picture...we are no longer a couple...he's a free agent...but all the rest...the lack of money...weight loss...recent death of a long time friend...with nary a nice thing to say about her...a drug dealing addict...but a friend all the same....the rapid mood swings...the seeking of sex despite having another avenue of it now...the cell phone which might according to him not be his...his reluctancy to give me the number as i had given him my new cell phone number.
somebody please put all of the above in a blender and name
the concoction
luv MARY
i really need to know in order to let go...in order to slay the dragon one must truly know the nature of the beast....i am not seeking to rescue but rather trying to save myself...my prince of yore is the wolf in sheep's raiment at the door.
i have lost the knack..the edge so to speak...to distinguish between appearances and reality...perhaps i have been too long in recovery (a month short of twenty years) to assess the situation clearly with the once finely honed skills of an addict...an alcoholic..but an addict all the same.
of course there is another woman in the picture...we are no longer a couple...he's a free agent...but all the rest...the lack of money...weight loss...recent death of a long time friend...with nary a nice thing to say about her...a drug dealing addict...but a friend all the same....the rapid mood swings...the seeking of sex despite having another avenue of it now...the cell phone which might according to him not be his...his reluctancy to give me the number as i had given him my new cell phone number.
somebody please put all of the above in a blender and name
the concoction
luv MARY
Hey Bryn,
I was keying in my last post just as you were composing your's so i don't want you to think i left you out....
it is very bad karma to 'dis' the dead and i was really shocked that he nary had a nice thing to say about that woman save he had to kick over some money to have her cremated...hence another reason cited for his being broke..
i ashamed to say that i did not have nice things to say about that woman when she was alive but upon hearing of her death i started to cry while he sneered and stated that she was wheeling and dealing until the bitter end despite being on probation herself as well.....his real friendship lay with her young son and daughter he said...and if he did contribute to having her laid to rest than why would the dealing son begrudge him some free pot?
i read this woman's obit online (Cynical One found it)...and she had quite a circle of friends and family that love and will miss her...perhaps the ex bf maligned her memory as on some level he is jealous that he'd have no one to throw the last spade of earth on his pauper's grave as he has pushed both family and friends alike out of his life....yeah but ol' stupid me would be crying buckets..
i hope that woman finds the peace in eternity that was
so elusive in her life.....and if the ex bf is involved with another
woman then it is sad to see that the relationship ill affords him
any general happiness and must be hid from the general public
whereas when we were first together....our love was heralded
for all to see and envy..
glad you are back Bryn...love MARY
St. Patrick's Day for a recovering alcoholic of Irish descent is
a very lonely day indeed
I was keying in my last post just as you were composing your's so i don't want you to think i left you out....
it is very bad karma to 'dis' the dead and i was really shocked that he nary had a nice thing to say about that woman save he had to kick over some money to have her cremated...hence another reason cited for his being broke..
i ashamed to say that i did not have nice things to say about that woman when she was alive but upon hearing of her death i started to cry while he sneered and stated that she was wheeling and dealing until the bitter end despite being on probation herself as well.....his real friendship lay with her young son and daughter he said...and if he did contribute to having her laid to rest than why would the dealing son begrudge him some free pot?
i read this woman's obit online (Cynical One found it)...and she had quite a circle of friends and family that love and will miss her...perhaps the ex bf maligned her memory as on some level he is jealous that he'd have no one to throw the last spade of earth on his pauper's grave as he has pushed both family and friends alike out of his life....yeah but ol' stupid me would be crying buckets..
i hope that woman finds the peace in eternity that was
so elusive in her life.....and if the ex bf is involved with another
woman then it is sad to see that the relationship ill affords him
any general happiness and must be hid from the general public
whereas when we were first together....our love was heralded
for all to see and envy..
glad you are back Bryn...love MARY
St. Patrick's Day for a recovering alcoholic of Irish descent is
a very lonely day indeed
Mary, Saint Partrick was Italian for heaven sakes.
Look at all those people with hangovers.
You missed nothing.
Lord, I just don't know what to think is up with that man.........leave it to you, Mary to hook up with a complex personality.
Forgive me but I know some dead people I still diss. Alive? Dead? You're mean and nasty then I still don't like ya even dead.
That lady though well obviously she was loved. We all need someone. My mom always says "You just need ONE person to care about ya, just one".
Look at all those people with hangovers.
You missed nothing.
Lord, I just don't know what to think is up with that man.........leave it to you, Mary to hook up with a complex personality.
Forgive me but I know some dead people I still diss. Alive? Dead? You're mean and nasty then I still don't like ya even dead.
That lady though well obviously she was loved. We all need someone. My mom always says "You just need ONE person to care about ya, just one".
