I've been the cheerleader. I've been father of the year as far as my friends are concerned. I've sat and listened to my daughter for hours as she prattled on about her love of sobriety and how she had met friends in rehab who truly love her. She was the happiest she had ever been in her life, she said, and she'd like to thank me for being there for her. Texting me photos of her 90 day chip and how she was on her way to getting her life back.
A week later, a guy shows up at a meeting high. She thinks she's going to help him, so she sits and chats with him. He gets her number, and he later texts her he's got a big score on heroin. It's the most intense high she will ever experience, he tantalizes. He talks her into leaving the sober living house, and she uses heroin the first time. She stays in his drug lair of an apartment for five days, smoking heroin until she has pawned everything she owns. Then, she calls me to help her get back to treatment.
I am sick of this life. I'm burned out. I've read some of your posts, and I see parents here who have endured their loved ones' addiction for twenty and thirty years. My daughter is eighteen and has been using for only a few years. Now, she's embarked on the nearly impossible to overcome heroin addiction. I'm not ready to embrace a lifetime of this, so I'm going to detach, and I may even say goodbye to my daughter. She has moved the football on me for the last time. I'm so sick of rooting for this kid only to be fooled with every relapse. She's in detox, so at least she's trying to get back on track. How many more times will she put her family through this? I'm feeling my heart grow harder and harder, and I'm thinking I may let go of her. It breaks my heart, but I may have to let go.
Has anyone here ever let go of their loved one and never looked back? How did it feel to be free of this heavy burden? She's so young, it feels like I would be sending her to her grave by letting go. I don't remember what it's like to sleep, I mean really sleep deep.
Been there done that and have detached from my alcoholic son.
He always lived several hundred miles from me so I bought every lie he told me because "He's my son...he wouldn't lie to me"
I believed him even when he came up with the grand daddy of all lies which he told me and many others...that he had cancer.
I helped him in everyway that I could, both financially and emotionally till I had had enough and totally detached.
If you choose to detach then detach totally...I mean change you phone number, tell relatives to block her number, mentally steel yourself for her crying, and pleas for help.
If she gets into a rehab and swears she's sober then get the name and number of her counselor in order to verify her claims.
What does it feel like to completely detach?
At first it'll rock your world with self doubt as to whether you did the right thing,
with thoughts of "What kind of worthless Father detaches from their kid?" etc. etc.
I consider this the mourning period where you're essentially mourning the loss of your child.
After a few months the "mourning" subsides and things get better.
I do find myself being somewhat haunted by thoughts of him, but that's getting less and less.
Things do definately get better but it takes time.
Before detaching from my own son I asked several people I know that are in recovery as to whether family detachment from them helped or hurt them.
Every single one said their family detaching from them was the best thing that ever happened to them because it made them have to face head on the cold hard reality of their addiction by themselves.
He always lived several hundred miles from me so I bought every lie he told me because "He's my son...he wouldn't lie to me"
I believed him even when he came up with the grand daddy of all lies which he told me and many others...that he had cancer.
I helped him in everyway that I could, both financially and emotionally till I had had enough and totally detached.
If you choose to detach then detach totally...I mean change you phone number, tell relatives to block her number, mentally steel yourself for her crying, and pleas for help.
If she gets into a rehab and swears she's sober then get the name and number of her counselor in order to verify her claims.
What does it feel like to completely detach?
At first it'll rock your world with self doubt as to whether you did the right thing,
with thoughts of "What kind of worthless Father detaches from their kid?" etc. etc.
I consider this the mourning period where you're essentially mourning the loss of your child.
After a few months the "mourning" subsides and things get better.
I do find myself being somewhat haunted by thoughts of him, but that's getting less and less.
Things do definately get better but it takes time.
Before detaching from my own son I asked several people I know that are in recovery as to whether family detachment from them helped or hurt them.
Every single one said their family detaching from them was the best thing that ever happened to them because it made them have to face head on the cold hard reality of their addiction by themselves.
I've not had to let go of my biological children but have cut off contact with my mother when she turned to drinking after being sober for a couple of years. Being a recovering alcoholic myself (6 years and counting), I couldn't put myself back in that kind of situation. Now with my SD, it's much easier to turn my heart to mute/silence and watch her actions instead of believing her words and thinking i can help save her.
No matter what you choice. It's going to break your heart...
No matter what you choice. It's going to break your heart...
and break your heart it will!!!
But time does heal all wounds as they say--maybe not completely, but it gives us a chance to have a life free from all the drama and codependency we have suffered with for so many years.
My son is 47 and an addict since he was 16. We enabled him for way too many years because we always thought this was the time he would change and turn his life around! Well, that time never surfaced and fast forward 31 yrs. and he is still the same manipulative, lying, stealing, con artist. He lives for his drug of choice which last we knew was meth but who knows---
We totally detached in January and told him never to come to our home or call us again unless he was clean and had his life in order for a year or more! We have heard nothing and have no idea where he lives. Last word we heard was from his last GF when he showed up at her parent's house with his two chihuahuas and asked for them to take his dogs. They refused as he was physical with the dad and knocked him down when my son and his GF broke up a year ago.
I know we have tried and done everything humanly possible to help this man and I have no guilt except for that of time wasted for efforts we should not have continued for so long.
We are retired and I have no intentions of depleting what retirement funds we have left . I love my son and always will --I just don't love this person drugs have turned him into
But time does heal all wounds as they say--maybe not completely, but it gives us a chance to have a life free from all the drama and codependency we have suffered with for so many years.
My son is 47 and an addict since he was 16. We enabled him for way too many years because we always thought this was the time he would change and turn his life around! Well, that time never surfaced and fast forward 31 yrs. and he is still the same manipulative, lying, stealing, con artist. He lives for his drug of choice which last we knew was meth but who knows---
We totally detached in January and told him never to come to our home or call us again unless he was clean and had his life in order for a year or more! We have heard nothing and have no idea where he lives. Last word we heard was from his last GF when he showed up at her parent's house with his two chihuahuas and asked for them to take his dogs. They refused as he was physical with the dad and knocked him down when my son and his GF broke up a year ago.
I know we have tried and done everything humanly possible to help this man and I have no guilt except for that of time wasted for efforts we should not have continued for so long.
We are retired and I have no intentions of depleting what retirement funds we have left . I love my son and always will --I just don't love this person drugs have turned him into
Wow! Can I relate. You said it well. I am so tired of having the football moved on me. I cannot tell you the number of times I felt totally foolish about my son when he was a minor. I would be speaking with the school or some other place, and he would have totally lied to me. One day, I saw him leave for school, and when I called later about a counseling appointment...the principle kind of mocked me and said something like, "You don't even know your child is not in school today, do you?". When I got ahold of my son, he claimed he was in school, then said he was sick, then said he had been at school, then said he was in the locker room and......complete insanity. And, really, this life is complete insanity. And, we KNOW it, and we love them. We SO BADLY want them to see their potential, and to avoid the insanity, and to come back to the family.
But, I have learned, like others here, how really devious and permeating this horrible addiction thing is. It destroys. And, at some point, we have to choose to take care of ourselves. Why? Because we do ZERO good exhausting ourselves with the insanity.
I have been through it all, as well. What a heartache, like a deep wound that never goes away. I still have some contact, but have really detached-cut the cord, so to speak. For me, at first and still at times, I spin into depression (but won't let myself stay there). Mostly, I learned that I was being used for money, for excuses, for money. : ) He did not really notice that I pulled away except for monetary things. He really cannot care too much right now. So, that makes me realize that I was really just destroying myself for nothing. It is okay to totally detach to care for yourself.
I wish none of us had to be here. Big hugs for all.
But, I have learned, like others here, how really devious and permeating this horrible addiction thing is. It destroys. And, at some point, we have to choose to take care of ourselves. Why? Because we do ZERO good exhausting ourselves with the insanity.
I have been through it all, as well. What a heartache, like a deep wound that never goes away. I still have some contact, but have really detached-cut the cord, so to speak. For me, at first and still at times, I spin into depression (but won't let myself stay there). Mostly, I learned that I was being used for money, for excuses, for money. : ) He did not really notice that I pulled away except for monetary things. He really cannot care too much right now. So, that makes me realize that I was really just destroying myself for nothing. It is okay to totally detach to care for yourself.
I wish none of us had to be here. Big hugs for all.
