Feeling the pain ... full on
Many of us carry the burden of a having an addicted loved one ... We feel the pain full on as we helplessly watch them spiral downward into the abyss of meth addiction. How many times have you reached out in effort to help them only to have them slip further away? and in time the attempts we make to help our loved one becomes countless. As they descend into the pit of meth hell we follow along in effort to save them from the destruction that their addiction heaps upon them. Years can go by before you realize that you have lost everything trying to keep them from losing everything and all that is left of you is a shell of a person that once had a life until you found out your loved one has an addiction.
Today do you find yourself sitting there feeling tore up from the floor up, feeling like you need a check up from the neck up? Are you constantly consumed with what your addicted loved one is or isn't doing? Do you try to fix his/her problems? Do you pay bills that rightly belong to them? Do you bail him/her out of jail? Do you do all that you can to keep bad things from happening to them (like wake them up for work ... so they won't get fired) (call in sick for them) (make excuses for their behavior)? (take on responsibilities that rightfully belong to them). Do you find yourself paralyzed with fear of what the hell is he/she going to do next? Do you find yourself losing sleep over worrying about where or what he/she is doing right now? Are you consumed with your addicted loved one and his/her behavior. Do you feel guilty like somehow his/her addiction is your fault and if only you had done this or that or if only you were this or that ... then maybe your loved one wouldn't be so fked up, but ultimately no matter what you do it isn't ever enough and you get accused of being a bytch or not being understanding ...
Are you sickened by the way you've allowed yourself to be treated? Are you tired, exhausted, at the end of your rope? Do you want to be happy again?
When is the last time you really smiled? Can you remember the last time you were able to laugh and enjoy life and the beauty therein?
Or are you to busy fighting the battle of someone else's addiction? Do you know its not yours to fight? and all the efforts, energy spent warding off the consequences from falling on your addicted loved ones shoulders are more harmful then helpful.
Sounds crazy doesn't it? You try to help, but actually your help is making a bad situation worse.
It is called Enabling (enabling is doing things for your addicted loved one that are their responsibility) like paying bills for them ... each time you do this you are rescuing your addicted loved one and if the truth be known they don't have the money for the bills because they spent it on meth or they do have the money, but lie and say they don't ... fully knowing that you will fork it over for them and they can spend their money on meth ... Addicts are skilled in the art of manipulation and they are opportunist ... they will take all that you have to give and then some and turn around and ask for more.
Have you ever thought about why you do what you do trying to keep your addicted loved one out of trouble? Is it because you want them to stop using so that you can be happy again (if ony he/she would do this or that or not do this or that I could be happy?)... If you wait for the addict to make you happy you could wait a lifetime. Is it because you can't stand to see them hurting? Are you aware that the pain they feel comes from so deep within that you can't fix it for them? It is that pain that they run from you know? I hurt, I use, I run, therefore I hurt no more for a little while because my drug kills the pain and I don't have to feel .. When I start to come down I start to feel pain ... so I run, I use and the cycle starts over
The longer the addict uses the more the addiction will demand from them and from you if you let it. Addictions lust is insatiable ... never enough always wanting more
You don't have to go down the tubes with your addicted loved one and you can live a happy life regardless of what he/she does or doesn't do ... but you like the addict have to reach YOUR rock bottom ... betcha feel like you've been there over and over again only to find that as soon as you hit rock bottom you grabbed a shovel and dug a little deeper.
You can't make anyone do anything that they don't want to do, but you can take control over what you do.
Take your own life back ... don't be afraid to live or to be happy ...
by taking back your life and living your own life and letting your addicted loved one feel the consequences of their addiction is the best thing you can do for your loved one.
Sounds crazy, but it is true ...
Enabling and rescuing only cripple the addict more and allow the addiction to continue without consequence.
If you step out of the way and allow your loved one to be responsible for his/her addiction, allow the consequences to fall on their shoulders ... they have a better chance to see that meth isn't the answer ... that although it helps relieve pain .. it is only temporal .. and that actually their addiction is causing more pain then it killing and it is then that they can begin to think along the lines of needing help.
Meth is destructive and anyone using it will inevitably be taken on a downward spiral ... if allowed to fall on their own ... they have no one to blame but themselves (although they will try) the descend is as painful for us to watch as it is painful for the addict, but it is necessary that they be allowed to fall without interference ... the pain of the fall could be the very thing that causes them to see the need to get clean. (it is a process)
Don't delay the inevitable ... Let go ... Trust the process
We get just as sick as the addict does if not more ... and we need healing too. Find a Nar-Anon Meeting, Coda Meeting in your area ... go and get the support and tools that you will need to help you along the way ... Learn to live and be happy again.
From my heart,
Passion
(Recovering addict and one who has loved an addict)
WOW! I love reading your posts. I REALLY needed to hear this. This is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now......
Your post made me cry, it was really such an eye opener for me. Although my addicts doc is coke, it was very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing and showing me that there maybe a silver lining after all.
Boy its hard being addicted to the addict,letting go isnt so easy18 years and you still want to belive.His moods become your moods,his lies become the lies you tell your friends to cover for the shame you feel.The kids know but dont want too know,you feel like your the one letting them down.Ive chosen to be here they havent.
I hear what you are saying loud and clear, but I feel like if I give up on her, then as a mom that is the wrong thing to do. I did go to one of the NA meetings and left there feeling like everyone had given up hope. My 23 year old has been using for 7 months and I feel like I still have time to help her. I don't want to be in a meeting saying that she has been using for 5, 6, 7 years. She just recently quit her job and she has always prided herself in her work and has maintained two jobs at time to be able to afford what she wanted. Now I am getting scared since she has no money to pay her bills. I have not given her any money and I won't. I have fed her and just recently purchased a new pair of glasses for her. That was an experience in itself. She had such difficulty picking out a pair of glasses, very sketchy that day. Her blood pressure was 178/93. I feel everything that you stated. She did not come around for such a long time and now she is coming by "Just to spend time with me". But she doesn't want to talk about anything bad, she just wants to see me and love me. That tugs at my heart. What do you say to something like that. I did not bring up the Meth, cuz I was so happy to see her. Sometimes she is calm and sometimes not. I know that I am all over the page on this, but that is where my mind goes. I spend my days thinking of what I can do to trick her into thinking she has hit bottom with no success. I was told to just be there for her and leave the door open for her to come home. I do not want to sit idle, I want to get to her somehow. I am thinking of an intervention or a court order, but I don't know if any of that will really help. Helpless is exactly how I feel. Everyone around me has just left me to deal with her. I am so mad that my family is not where I am.
I do thank you for your words and I will print them so that I can keep them in the forefront of my mind. If I had read this and had did not have anyone that I knew on Meth, it would make perfect sense without hesitation. But as her mom, I do believe all of your words, I just don't know how to do them.
Bless you for being so accurate, caring and understanding to all of us going through this type of hell.
Appreciative Mom....
I do thank you for your words and I will print them so that I can keep them in the forefront of my mind. If I had read this and had did not have anyone that I knew on Meth, it would make perfect sense without hesitation. But as her mom, I do believe all of your words, I just don't know how to do them.
Bless you for being so accurate, caring and understanding to all of us going through this type of hell.
Appreciative Mom....
