Hey everyone, it's been a long time since i have been on here. this board has brought me alot of comfort in the past and I am hoping someone will be able to shed some light on my situation.
as some of you already know, i have been in love with an addict for almost 5 years. i stuck with him through thick and thin, legal issues, him going through withdrawls, taking care of him, the works.....you name it, i have been through it. i have seen it and i have done it, for this man.
the good news is that he is coming up on 7 months clean! i could not be happier for him and he looks great. i prayed to God every night that he would stay off heroin and get his life together, get a job and just be whole again, we hit some rough times with him not working and it became hard on me to go to work and do everything on my own.
here's the kicker. after everything i did and all of the support i gave, i begged him and pleaded with him to go to NA meetings every day and night. since he is not working, i suggested that he do the day meetings and the night ones too. well, he did as asked him to. he has now left me for someone that he met at NA. she is a recovering addict as well, much younger than him and on probation with the law. i am devastated to say the very least. i feel hurt, betrayed and kicked in the teeth after all i have done for this man. i stuck by him and supported him emotionally and financially and this is the thanks i get? what is going through his mind? is he crazy clean? what did i do? i know i bitched about him not working. i in fact told him that working steady is a part of normal healthy recovery. am i wrong?
i am literally beside myself with grief and depression. now who will be there to comfort me? nobody. was it worth it for me to be there for him? i didn't deserve this and i feel like someone else is now going to benefit from all of the hard work i did to help this jerk.
any words or advise will help. please guys. GYAC where are you? i know you will help me feel better, even just a little. i can't stop crying and when i need him the most, he is with someone else. oh and by the way, he didn't tell me, i had to find out on my own. what a slap in the face that was!!!
thanks for listening.
D
| QUOTE |
| now who will be there to comfort me? |
The one that's been there all along.......YOU!
Hey Dannie!!
Look at it like this: the road has been cleared for bigger AND better! You will hurt but you will get over this and recover. That can happen pretty quick if you leave the pain behind you and push forward! What he is feeling and thinking should take second place to the one that matter's most.....YOU!
GYAC,
I am hurting so bad. why would he do this? what did i do wrong?
How could someone who is supposed to be embracing recovery and practicing spiritual principals do something so heartless?
I am beside myself and am having a hard time pushing forward. Thank you for you quick response. I knew you would be out there someplace. I had you in mind when i made the initial posting. I'm sure you remember all of my past posts and my complete story. I held on because i loved him. How does one move on and recover form something like this?
<3 Danie
I am hurting so bad. why would he do this? what did i do wrong?
How could someone who is supposed to be embracing recovery and practicing spiritual principals do something so heartless?
I am beside myself and am having a hard time pushing forward. Thank you for you quick response. I knew you would be out there someplace. I had you in mind when i made the initial posting. I'm sure you remember all of my past posts and my complete story. I held on because i loved him. How does one move on and recover form something like this?
<3 Danie
hi there...
it sounds like it just wasn't 2 b.
many relationships exist like ur last one..
he must of been giving u something over the last 5 yrs or surely u wouldn't have stayed with him that long..no ??
some relationships go on 4 yrs and suddenly end .with 1 half of the relationship not having a clue that there was anything wrong in the first place.
but they have 2 get up and carry on.
nobody can explain the answer apart from ur ex (perhaps he can't even explain it)
but never ever think of tryin heroin out of spite or curiosity ..
NOT sayin u would
hope u work ur feelings out and move on without any anger because it will only hinder u in the future..
hope i didn't offend u with any of my comments
xxx john.
it sounds like it just wasn't 2 b.
many relationships exist like ur last one..
he must of been giving u something over the last 5 yrs or surely u wouldn't have stayed with him that long..no ??
some relationships go on 4 yrs and suddenly end .with 1 half of the relationship not having a clue that there was anything wrong in the first place.
but they have 2 get up and carry on.
nobody can explain the answer apart from ur ex (perhaps he can't even explain it)
but never ever think of tryin heroin out of spite or curiosity ..
NOT sayin u would
hope u work ur feelings out and move on without any anger because it will only hinder u in the future..
hope i didn't offend u with any of my comments
xxx john.
Danie,
You could hardly be forgotten!
There could be many reasons why he parted ways leaving you with many questions BUT do you REALLY need the answers when the writings on the wall? The only way you can move 4ward is to let this go (as hard as it will be) and make peace with the unanswered questions and move on. I understand your pain because you are left feeling a little incomplete BUT is it a curse OR a blessing.....you have to make that choice. If you put your all into the relationship and did your very best to help him then you need not ask "what did I do wrong?"
Why he did it is really not important....what is important is what you do FOR YOU from this day forward!
Keep your head up Danie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You could hardly be forgotten!
There could be many reasons why he parted ways leaving you with many questions BUT do you REALLY need the answers when the writings on the wall? The only way you can move 4ward is to let this go (as hard as it will be) and make peace with the unanswered questions and move on. I understand your pain because you are left feeling a little incomplete BUT is it a curse OR a blessing.....you have to make that choice. If you put your all into the relationship and did your very best to help him then you need not ask "what did I do wrong?"
Why he did it is really not important....what is important is what you do FOR YOU from this day forward!
Keep your head up Danie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Danie, you did nothing wrong, far from it. . .not got any advice, but know you can come on here and vent anytime.
Can't imagine what you are going through, it must be hard after all the love & support you gave him. I'd be feeling hard done by too.Thinking of you, Kev
Like Darren said, YOU will be there...
Can't imagine what you are going through, it must be hard after all the love & support you gave him. I'd be feeling hard done by too.Thinking of you, Kev
Like Darren said, YOU will be there...
Hey guys, thanks for the responses. YES it's killing me to think of all that I did for him. I cared for him when he was withdrawing. I supported his habit before he decided to finally kick. I couldn't bare seeing him sick and crying and shaking when he needed the dope, so I gave him money. After that, I paid his phone bill, cooked big dinners everynight.
While he was using we had pretty much NO sex life. I stuck by his side, never went out and cheated on him.....I loved him and gave everything I had to give. And for what? All he did was make me feel as if I can never trust again. Will I turn my back now on another who may need my help someday? I feel sick when I think of him with someone new. My heart is so broken. I can't eat or sleep. My clothes are falling off me. I have no energy to clean my house or go to work. He destroyed me.
I hope she is worth it....cause when things go sour between them, he better NEVER come near me again!!!
Not to mention there is a child involved here. A child that has no father in his life. My ex was the closest thing my son had to a Dad. In fact he would tell his friends, "that's my Dad".
don't know what else to say
While he was using we had pretty much NO sex life. I stuck by his side, never went out and cheated on him.....I loved him and gave everything I had to give. And for what? All he did was make me feel as if I can never trust again. Will I turn my back now on another who may need my help someday? I feel sick when I think of him with someone new. My heart is so broken. I can't eat or sleep. My clothes are falling off me. I have no energy to clean my house or go to work. He destroyed me.
I hope she is worth it....cause when things go sour between them, he better NEVER come near me again!!!
Not to mention there is a child involved here. A child that has no father in his life. My ex was the closest thing my son had to a Dad. In fact he would tell his friends, "that's my Dad".
don't know what else to say
Hi Danie..
I'm sorry to hear your story. I too did all those things for my fiancee who is now sober about 3 months now. It sounds like you have a compassionate and caring side to you. Perhaps it was possible that you were absorbed in taking care of this person, blaming all his problems on the drug. Now that he is sober, it looks like the drugs weren't all to blame. It is also hard to predict what people will do when going through extreme life changes so it is hard to say who he really is, or what his "normal" is.... But now you can focus on taking care of you and your son completely, and his unemployment and recovery are no longer on your shoulders. Take care and look to your future.
Jill
I'm sorry to hear your story. I too did all those things for my fiancee who is now sober about 3 months now. It sounds like you have a compassionate and caring side to you. Perhaps it was possible that you were absorbed in taking care of this person, blaming all his problems on the drug. Now that he is sober, it looks like the drugs weren't all to blame. It is also hard to predict what people will do when going through extreme life changes so it is hard to say who he really is, or what his "normal" is.... But now you can focus on taking care of you and your son completely, and his unemployment and recovery are no longer on your shoulders. Take care and look to your future.
Jill
Danie
If he hooked up with a recovering addict , its only a matter of time that they start using together. If he tries to come back to you with "I'm sorry" , I shouldve known", I really loved you the whole time for all you,ve done- I just was fuc*ked up , I thought we had so much in common" ...etc... etc....
You need to get past this ,in my opinion and experience, he used you to get him thru - - that sure hurts a lot- -but don't be fooled
Take it as a learning experience and move on- - You don't need to be with a recovering addict, who should really be only focusing on himself anyway. The knucklehead girl he hooked up with is not getting a bargain
Try to be above him and this whole thing- f-him> you learned a valuable life lesson on trust, loyalty, men, and addiction. Swallow your pride ,don't dwell on him, -you did all you could- and at the end of the day- - he choose to make his life more difficult- - you don't need it
find Peace!!
jack
If he hooked up with a recovering addict , its only a matter of time that they start using together. If he tries to come back to you with "I'm sorry" , I shouldve known", I really loved you the whole time for all you,ve done- I just was fuc*ked up , I thought we had so much in common" ...etc... etc....
You need to get past this ,in my opinion and experience, he used you to get him thru - - that sure hurts a lot- -but don't be fooled
Take it as a learning experience and move on- - You don't need to be with a recovering addict, who should really be only focusing on himself anyway. The knucklehead girl he hooked up with is not getting a bargain
Try to be above him and this whole thing- f-him> you learned a valuable life lesson on trust, loyalty, men, and addiction. Swallow your pride ,don't dwell on him, -you did all you could- and at the end of the day- - he choose to make his life more difficult- - you don't need it
find Peace!!
jack
WOW Jack, I always loved you man. You have ALWAYS given some profound words and this time ones I really needed to hear. I will never forget what you wrote. Your the cats pajamas! xoxoxoxoxoxo
EVERYONE that responded, thank you. You really opened up my eyes. It's just not my problem anymore and maybe he did me the BIGGEST favor that I could have asked for.
Jack I did learn alot about trust, men and addiction. I loved an addict and I trusted an addict. A real MAN would never do to me what he did. It only proves that he really did just use me to get through the rough times. I would NEVER take him back after this. I have been crushed so deeply that I don't think I have suffered this much since the loss of my Mom.
Like I said before, I hope she's worth it, cause he lost a wonderful person over her.
Kisses to all of you :)
Danie
EVERYONE that responded, thank you. You really opened up my eyes. It's just not my problem anymore and maybe he did me the BIGGEST favor that I could have asked for.
Jack I did learn alot about trust, men and addiction. I loved an addict and I trusted an addict. A real MAN would never do to me what he did. It only proves that he really did just use me to get through the rough times. I would NEVER take him back after this. I have been crushed so deeply that I don't think I have suffered this much since the loss of my Mom.
Like I said before, I hope she's worth it, cause he lost a wonderful person over her.
Kisses to all of you :)
Danie
It has nothing to do with you.That might be a hard concept to swallow right now because of the pain you're in,but the bottom line now is that you have to take care of you.His actions will be a consequence that he will have to deal with.
I'm sorry a child is involved but again you have got to start preparing a way for you to get better.Just because a partner,lover whatever gets clean,there are no guarantees for your happiness.Maybe too much involvement in his life came at the expense of your mental health.What he did and the way he did it is wrong and if he stays clean,that will be an ammend he eventually will have to deal with.In the interm,I would start putting all my energy on how you are going to survive this.
It's o.k. to get angry and perfectly normal but I would seriously suggest you get some counseling.Usually these type of affairs in early sobriety end in disaster anyway.That's why they don't recommend you get into a relationship the first year.The whole ordeal has relapse written all over it and you're probably right.You will be the first one he runs back to when it explodes.
That's why you need to get into some therapy.It's time to take care of you.Once you start getting self esteem back,you won't repeat this.
I'm sorry it happened.
I'm sorry a child is involved but again you have got to start preparing a way for you to get better.Just because a partner,lover whatever gets clean,there are no guarantees for your happiness.Maybe too much involvement in his life came at the expense of your mental health.What he did and the way he did it is wrong and if he stays clean,that will be an ammend he eventually will have to deal with.In the interm,I would start putting all my energy on how you are going to survive this.
It's o.k. to get angry and perfectly normal but I would seriously suggest you get some counseling.Usually these type of affairs in early sobriety end in disaster anyway.That's why they don't recommend you get into a relationship the first year.The whole ordeal has relapse written all over it and you're probably right.You will be the first one he runs back to when it explodes.
That's why you need to get into some therapy.It's time to take care of you.Once you start getting self esteem back,you won't repeat this.
I'm sorry it happened.
This is so sad to read! but in fact it happened more often than none....
When partners help to get there loved ones clean and to help get there lifes back on track, its so easy to start sounding like there mothers instead of there lovers|!!!....this girl and him most likely had so much more to talk about, and they can also relate with each other....
I have been clean for 2 + years....and was with jon before that for 5 years, on the gear u could'nt get a closer pair, off it, to tell u the truth i could'nt stand him.
Dont kick urself, pat urself on the back for being there for him wen he needed someone, I'm a great believer in that saying what goes around comes around!!!....u will need someone one day, and i pray ur not on ur own!.
its a blur when ur on drugs, its all about waking up, getting drugs sitting in cosy rooms all day!.
You canot blame urself for pushing him to go to these meetings. he could of been walking down the street and locked eyes on someone!...., and he is wrong for that!!! lets hope they dont incourage each other back to the drug life they both know!........ all the best!
When partners help to get there loved ones clean and to help get there lifes back on track, its so easy to start sounding like there mothers instead of there lovers|!!!....this girl and him most likely had so much more to talk about, and they can also relate with each other....
I have been clean for 2 + years....and was with jon before that for 5 years, on the gear u could'nt get a closer pair, off it, to tell u the truth i could'nt stand him.
Dont kick urself, pat urself on the back for being there for him wen he needed someone, I'm a great believer in that saying what goes around comes around!!!....u will need someone one day, and i pray ur not on ur own!.
its a blur when ur on drugs, its all about waking up, getting drugs sitting in cosy rooms all day!.
You canot blame urself for pushing him to go to these meetings. he could of been walking down the street and locked eyes on someone!...., and he is wrong for that!!! lets hope they dont incourage each other back to the drug life they both know!........ all the best!
Hey all,
What is wrong with me? Still can't get him out of my head.....even after the way he has crushed me and hurt me and tossed me aside.
I miss him and I can't stop crying. Especially rainy days like this. I am really suffering. Thank God I am not into drugs cause I just might use them if I was.
What can be going through his head? Am I just forgotten after all these years together? Is all that I did just nothing to him? I feel so lost and forgotten about. Like I was nothing. Im a good person and consider myself a very attractive woman. I still have no problem getting a date, I just don't want anyone else.
I do need therapy as one of you suggested. I do go to Alanon meetings, but my last experience at one was not a good one......so I got scared away.
Love to all of you....
even though I am hurting I still hope and pray that he does NOT relapse with this young girl. he seemed pretty hell-bent on staying clean and he has a wonderful sponsor. xo
What is wrong with me? Still can't get him out of my head.....even after the way he has crushed me and hurt me and tossed me aside.
I miss him and I can't stop crying. Especially rainy days like this. I am really suffering. Thank God I am not into drugs cause I just might use them if I was.
What can be going through his head? Am I just forgotten after all these years together? Is all that I did just nothing to him? I feel so lost and forgotten about. Like I was nothing. Im a good person and consider myself a very attractive woman. I still have no problem getting a date, I just don't want anyone else.
I do need therapy as one of you suggested. I do go to Alanon meetings, but my last experience at one was not a good one......so I got scared away.
Love to all of you....
even though I am hurting I still hope and pray that he does NOT relapse with this young girl. he seemed pretty hell-bent on staying clean and he has a wonderful sponsor. xo
wow, i know what your going thru and you know what he really did u a favor. otherwise u never would have gotten out of the relationship. i know the hurt your going thru, it sucks, knowing all the years youve been there and taking care of him. believe me if he stays straight and i pray he does he will remember that about u. most likely he will be back and i pray your strong enough to move on. otherwise you will be wasting alot of years ahead. the lost we feel is rejection like dont they see all i have done and what could the other possibly have that i dont? first of all most guys dont think like women anyway. and selfish people will always put themselves first. there is alot of comfort on this board lots of wisdom. get strong keep busy keep being the great mom to your son. and keep posting. big hugs to you!!!!!!
Tracie, GYAC,losthope, onward, Jack, Dee4 & Herman,
Thank you so much for all of your responses. I can't express enough how the people here on this board have been helping me through rough times for a WHILE now. I started posting back in March of 2007. During which time I was deeply in love with an addict and even though there is a space on here for families and loved ones of addicts, I just wanted to interact with recovering addicts/active users because I felt what better advise than from those who have actually experienced the addiction. Some of the most wonderful, down to earth, loving human beings that I have ever met in my life are addicts. I always hated and still do hate the label that's put on people. Do we "label" people with cancer or any other type of sickness they have? Addiction is a disease and not something that anyone chooses. I mean I experimented with drugs over the years, but my personality is not an addictive type and I never really stuck with anything except smoking. I always enjoyed a nice *oint once in a while. But thank God, nothing stuck!
I'm beginning to realize as I reflect back on the relationship and all of these thoughts keep flooding my head of things that happened and the more I think about it, the more I see how selfish he was. I remember ALWAYS thinking to myself "what would HE want"? we pretty much always did what he wanted. I went from 3 years of us not being able to do anything for the weekend or any type of overnight event because we had to make sure we were in town in-case he needed to cop or if he was running "low" on bags he would be a nervous wreck and we would need to stay close to home/ close to his dealer. I sacrificed so many things and times he wouldn't go to weddings with me cause he thought everyone knew and then when he did make it to a family function, would be in the bathroom for 40 minutes and then nodding at the table in front of my family. or the nights he showed up at my door at 1am FRANTIC and getting sick and almost in tears cause he needed a fix. It would break my heart to see him sick like that. Even though I hated him doing it, and begged him to just let me put him up in my bed I gave hime the money to go out and score. I had to, I felt, I couldn't let him be sick. Maybe I should have?? Maybe if I had pushed him away and broke up with him, tossed him out of my life, he would have had more respect for me and we wouldn't be over now. I just enabled the situation and I am kicking myself for it now. At least on 4 different occaisions I did take care of him, put him up in my bed, fan on, TV, room service, whatever he wanted, I was there....cooking ANYTHING. cold towels on his head and he would say, "whatever I say, don't let me leave" we did that maybe 3 or 4 times and he would get to day 4 and tell me that he just needed to run home for a minute and he went and copped.
Then finally around Thanksgiving of last year, he said to me, this is it, I am going to die if I keep living this way and he did it!! I was ELATED. Even if he felt like crap, I still pushed him to get in the shower, "you'll feel better after a nice shower" is what I would say, and while he was in the shower I would call his best friend (who has 12 years clean) and say "just come on over and get him. he's in the shower" his buddy would do as I asked and would not take no for an answer once he got to my house....he would say come on buddy, get dressed, I am here now, your coming to a meeting with me! After a while, I didn't need to coax him anymore, he had his network of guys that he met and before I knew it he had a wonderful sponsor. We had a few talks and made jokes about him being so good-looking (to me anyway) and if any girls tried to pick him up, joking of course I always felt like a pretty girl and felt secure that he was very attracted to me. We NEVER had problems in the bedroom, when we got there! He would say, no way would I ever pick up in the rooms!! these people are strangers and some recovered addicts could have Hep C or God knows what! He re-assured me. And now my fear has come true.
Thanks for letting me vent. It honestly does feel better. I know there really are alot of fish in the sea, I just don't have a single desire to be with anyone else. He was the only person I was with for 5 years. Becoming intimate with someone new scares the hell out of me!! Isn't that crazy? Will it pass?
Love you guys, you undoubtedly ARE the best human beings on the planet!!
D
Thank you so much for all of your responses. I can't express enough how the people here on this board have been helping me through rough times for a WHILE now. I started posting back in March of 2007. During which time I was deeply in love with an addict and even though there is a space on here for families and loved ones of addicts, I just wanted to interact with recovering addicts/active users because I felt what better advise than from those who have actually experienced the addiction. Some of the most wonderful, down to earth, loving human beings that I have ever met in my life are addicts. I always hated and still do hate the label that's put on people. Do we "label" people with cancer or any other type of sickness they have? Addiction is a disease and not something that anyone chooses. I mean I experimented with drugs over the years, but my personality is not an addictive type and I never really stuck with anything except smoking. I always enjoyed a nice *oint once in a while. But thank God, nothing stuck!
I'm beginning to realize as I reflect back on the relationship and all of these thoughts keep flooding my head of things that happened and the more I think about it, the more I see how selfish he was. I remember ALWAYS thinking to myself "what would HE want"? we pretty much always did what he wanted. I went from 3 years of us not being able to do anything for the weekend or any type of overnight event because we had to make sure we were in town in-case he needed to cop or if he was running "low" on bags he would be a nervous wreck and we would need to stay close to home/ close to his dealer. I sacrificed so many things and times he wouldn't go to weddings with me cause he thought everyone knew and then when he did make it to a family function, would be in the bathroom for 40 minutes and then nodding at the table in front of my family. or the nights he showed up at my door at 1am FRANTIC and getting sick and almost in tears cause he needed a fix. It would break my heart to see him sick like that. Even though I hated him doing it, and begged him to just let me put him up in my bed I gave hime the money to go out and score. I had to, I felt, I couldn't let him be sick. Maybe I should have?? Maybe if I had pushed him away and broke up with him, tossed him out of my life, he would have had more respect for me and we wouldn't be over now. I just enabled the situation and I am kicking myself for it now. At least on 4 different occaisions I did take care of him, put him up in my bed, fan on, TV, room service, whatever he wanted, I was there....cooking ANYTHING. cold towels on his head and he would say, "whatever I say, don't let me leave" we did that maybe 3 or 4 times and he would get to day 4 and tell me that he just needed to run home for a minute and he went and copped.
Then finally around Thanksgiving of last year, he said to me, this is it, I am going to die if I keep living this way and he did it!! I was ELATED. Even if he felt like crap, I still pushed him to get in the shower, "you'll feel better after a nice shower" is what I would say, and while he was in the shower I would call his best friend (who has 12 years clean) and say "just come on over and get him. he's in the shower" his buddy would do as I asked and would not take no for an answer once he got to my house....he would say come on buddy, get dressed, I am here now, your coming to a meeting with me! After a while, I didn't need to coax him anymore, he had his network of guys that he met and before I knew it he had a wonderful sponsor. We had a few talks and made jokes about him being so good-looking (to me anyway) and if any girls tried to pick him up, joking of course I always felt like a pretty girl and felt secure that he was very attracted to me. We NEVER had problems in the bedroom, when we got there! He would say, no way would I ever pick up in the rooms!! these people are strangers and some recovered addicts could have Hep C or God knows what! He re-assured me. And now my fear has come true.
Thanks for letting me vent. It honestly does feel better. I know there really are alot of fish in the sea, I just don't have a single desire to be with anyone else. He was the only person I was with for 5 years. Becoming intimate with someone new scares the hell out of me!! Isn't that crazy? Will it pass?
Love you guys, you undoubtedly ARE the best human beings on the planet!!
D
d, im glad your feeling a little better. and yes it will pass and you will get stronger. got to get off the storm is coming ( i mean my spouse) o boy!!
LOL!!! <3
cant even tell u what i wittnessed last night. awful just awful im just sick over it. i said to myself years ago i would not ever feel this way again and again with my spouses relapse im here again. when i say feeling i mean stomach chest u know. if i could leave i would run away and never ever turn back to be pulled into the web. this one is def gonna be burned into my memory. ranked right up there number 1 and like so many of us we could all write number 1 sellers right. all right gonna go cause im just reliving it by talking about it.
Where can I find a good-hearted woman like you? Most women I meet these days(outside of the programs)( even in the programs!) are looking for someone to take care of them. Financially, emotionally,etc. If I could run into a woman with half the qualities some of you on this board have, I would be in heaven. I can only hope it won't be too long until I find my soul mate. My lonelyness is showing. Mike.
I'm sorry Danie. Everything happens for a reason. The suffering you are experiencing should stand to make you stronger. Please keep checking out narc-anon or go see a therapist. It seems that so many women don't value themselves enough. My fear would be that you would take him back. It sounds like you have spent so much of your time and energy on him. Please take the time to take care of Dani. You have wants and needs of your own. Sometimes it takes something like this for a woman to realize their truth worth.
I'm sorry for your suffering. Time will heal.
I'm sorry for your suffering. Time will heal.
