Hi, I've never looked at these boards before and I feel like I am intruding when I read through them now. I am 34 yrs old and a little over 3yrs ago I met a wonderful man who I love with all my heart, he told me all about the fact that he was a drug addict and would be for life, although he wasn't using as such at the time he was on methadone, I never looked up anything on the net I just supported him and let him know I loved him, so we built a life together and after an abusive relationship of 11yrs+ I found someone who I loved, trusted and felt complete with, I believe he felt the same.
We have had some stressful times lately due to work and moving, settling then finding out work was not so good and having another upheavel and move again, these are not short moves and usually are quite a few hours in between, about a 6-8 wks my partner started to become detached, I thought it was the stress of everything else that was going on, then I started to question whether he was using again, he convinced me he wasn't, then about 4wks I found some foil that hadn't flushed away properly, again I confronted him and finally after a huge argument accepted that this was old foil from years ago - after all he was wearing jeans that he had picked up from his Mum's and he hadn't worn them in years, over the next few weeks he became very distant and cold and I couldn't understand what was going on, I didn't want to believe my intuition - afterall what did I know, I never knew him when he was on heroin before.
This last Tuesday night he admitted that he had been using for about 4 weeks and that he had to go home (to his parents) and get booked into the Dr's to get this sorted out, he started Subutex this morning, I spoke to him mid morning and he sounded awful, all groggy and that. Tonight when I spoke to him he is very distant, with no emotions just words, I know that this is in part to do with the Subutex and it's blocking agents (I finally have read up on something) after he finishes the tablets he will be having injections to stop him being able to use, this will cause a bad reaction if he even tries to do the heroin again, he has never injected heroin and only ever lit it on the foil etc.
I love him with all my heart and I don't want to lose him, and I know beyond a doubt that he wants to kick this once and for all, but, he is angry with my parents as they don't understand and although they will back me in any decision he is no longer welcome to live with us (yes I am back at home for a short while) would I be doing more harm to him to try and give us a future because of his anger towards my family, I mean would that act as a trigger or something for him going back on it. Can he beat it for good, I know this sounds green to some of you on here, but I don't understand the hold heroin has, I just know that up until a short while ago we were making plans for our future, saving to get our own place where we would live happily ever after.
Do relationships work after something like this, he feels at the moment that I won't ever be able to trust him again, I feel like as long as his eyes are normal then I will, but not that I have told him that yet, I may go and see him tomorrow so that we can talk face to face but I don't want to hurt anymore that what I am now, I feel responsible, like I was enough to keep him off that stuff.
Please help xx
Justsho,
First and formost you are in NO way to blame for a burden that is not yours! Loving an addict is not easy...just ask any father, mother, sister, brother, uncle, friend(you see were this is leading dont you..) of an addicted loved one. Although it may not seem like it he is most angry with himself...not your parents, you or anyone else. The best you have to offer is support....but with STRICK boundaries until you see real change and a chance to grow strong together in your relationship. You are the most important person in all this.....you should come first! Yes a relationship can survive this BUT it talks work.....on both parts....its a LONG(never ending)road full of bumps and potholes but still there is hope.
Its a hard call to make when having to chose between family and the one you love(who is an addict).....you have to ask yourself a few questions....like is my family worth losing over this person? Do we REALLY have a future? Have I given this real hard thought and time to see if change is possible, after all, he has not even reached the woods yet? So many things to consider and you are the only one that can make that choice just like he is the only one who came make the choice to change. The best of luck to you!
Oh and to answer your question(from my point of view) no herion cant be beaten.....BUT the CHOICE not to use can....beat it.
First and formost you are in NO way to blame for a burden that is not yours! Loving an addict is not easy...just ask any father, mother, sister, brother, uncle, friend(you see were this is leading dont you..) of an addicted loved one. Although it may not seem like it he is most angry with himself...not your parents, you or anyone else. The best you have to offer is support....but with STRICK boundaries until you see real change and a chance to grow strong together in your relationship. You are the most important person in all this.....you should come first! Yes a relationship can survive this BUT it talks work.....on both parts....its a LONG(never ending)road full of bumps and potholes but still there is hope.
Its a hard call to make when having to chose between family and the one you love(who is an addict).....you have to ask yourself a few questions....like is my family worth losing over this person? Do we REALLY have a future? Have I given this real hard thought and time to see if change is possible, after all, he has not even reached the woods yet? So many things to consider and you are the only one that can make that choice just like he is the only one who came make the choice to change. The best of luck to you!
Oh and to answer your question(from my point of view) no herion cant be beaten.....BUT the CHOICE not to use can....beat it.
Hey Jus, you're certainly not intruding on US.....although ya might feel like you're intruding on your loved one......maybe because you are wanting to understand....hey, ya love him......it's your future....like GYAC said it sure anint easy loving an addict.
One point stood out to me where you said "As long as his eyes are alright"....so do you think you will spend days, months, years looking to see if his pupils are pinpoint?.....I only say this as I'm an addict and after a few years someone still does that to me......I feel awful as I see the trust is still not there, but that's his thing......not mine....so it would be yours.
Mad? Angry? At your parents? He's new in recovery and probably is really, really mad, but hopefully he keeps going and will embrace just why they are angry.......they have that right.......you're their daughter and want the best for you.......not saying he isn't, but from their view well you most likely see that.
You have to decide for YOU........he's got his own stuff.......and I echo GYAC...no way do I believe it can be beaten either.......kind of think of a "Gone but not forgotten" type thing.......it's always there......ready to pop up, but the choice is as well.......hope ya feel a bit better, and come back for support!
One point stood out to me where you said "As long as his eyes are alright"....so do you think you will spend days, months, years looking to see if his pupils are pinpoint?.....I only say this as I'm an addict and after a few years someone still does that to me......I feel awful as I see the trust is still not there, but that's his thing......not mine....so it would be yours.
Mad? Angry? At your parents? He's new in recovery and probably is really, really mad, but hopefully he keeps going and will embrace just why they are angry.......they have that right.......you're their daughter and want the best for you.......not saying he isn't, but from their view well you most likely see that.
You have to decide for YOU........he's got his own stuff.......and I echo GYAC...no way do I believe it can be beaten either.......kind of think of a "Gone but not forgotten" type thing.......it's always there......ready to pop up, but the choice is as well.......hope ya feel a bit better, and come back for support!
I dont know about beaten- but you can fight it to a draw & win a decision.
respect,
jack
Hey- can one of you guys give me easy instructions,on how to add a avatar from a differant web-site?? Im kind of computer stupid, and Im getting bored with the landscape thing Ive used for 2 or so years,- so if one of you guys have a sinple way to do it- I would like to try.( I see thier are plenty of nice ones )
thanks
bored,
jack
respect,
jack
Hey- can one of you guys give me easy instructions,on how to add a avatar from a differant web-site?? Im kind of computer stupid, and Im getting bored with the landscape thing Ive used for 2 or so years,- so if one of you guys have a sinple way to do it- I would like to try.( I see thier are plenty of nice ones )
thanks
bored,
jack
Dang, ya confused me......Jack.......yeah I'd like a change myself.
Maybe Darin or CO or Misty Eyeys will tell us how.
Jack, a nice Jack Of Hearts would be cool.....then again Just Jane her heart bounces like that trippy chick jumping that Bumps No More got.
Laddle, Jack have a good one.....see a Robin yet? WOOT!
Maybe Darin or CO or Misty Eyeys will tell us how.
Jack, a nice Jack Of Hearts would be cool.....then again Just Jane her heart bounces like that trippy chick jumping that Bumps No More got.
Laddle, Jack have a good one.....see a Robin yet? WOOT!
Good day good people!
Find an image you want and right click and copy the image url. Go over to your settings to edit your avatar and right click and paste the image url into the space where you can add your own iamge(avatar). The max size for an image is 64 by 64..... some dont always fit so you might have to play with it for a mo but its pretty easy.....atleast I hope I explained it that way(LOL)!
Find an image you want and right click and copy the image url. Go over to your settings to edit your avatar and right click and paste the image url into the space where you can add your own iamge(avatar). The max size for an image is 64 by 64..... some dont always fit so you might have to play with it for a mo but its pretty easy.....atleast I hope I explained it that way(LOL)!
Well what a week, 1st the anger at being told that my other half was using after being totally clean for the 3yrs, off the Meth and everything, then the despair that we may lose our future together (yes I really do love him) then my parents turning against him....then the weekend, we walked and talked in a way that we never have before, he went through everything with me, something which in the past he has tried to keep away. To us beginning to plan our future's him working from his parent's and me from mine, seeing each other on the weekends (me doing the travelling as he is not welcome here - but I love driving so that was never a biggie) to get excited about life again, realising I hadn't lost it all and this was a relapse, a mistake by someone who never wants to touch it again, to coming home........
Being told by my parent that if that was my choice (a life with my partner) then I should go to him, give up my job and move out, as he couldn't support me in my decision, the hurt this has all caused is tremendous, please anyone reading this and thinking of having a go ... STOP AND THINK ... think seriously about what you could cost yourself and your loved ones.
My future is with my partner and I handed in my notice at work today, I leave on Friday and move out Friday night, I don't know what the future holds, but I am optimistic, away from the crap is THE best man I have ever had the honour of knowing and when we are through all this, life is going to be fantastic, we won't be living with my parents no more, we will be on our own (it's been easier to be with them the last couple of years) we won't be controlled by someone else, needing to know where we are, what we are doing and what we are spending etc etc etc.
I do not agree with what my partner done, I will never fully understand it either, but step by step I am coming to terms with it. I've decided I ain't ashamed that I am with someone who did/does drugs, instead I am bloody proud to be with someone who 'decided' to stop using before and has decided that again, he just needs a little help with it, but thank goodness that help came 4 wks in and not longer, my hat is off to him and I am proud of him and I love him.
Thankyou for your messages of support, I think this is somewhere I will return to time and time again, I need to understand more in able to be a support fully and not just someone to hide the truth from.
Thanks again and all the best to you all for the future xxx
Being told by my parent that if that was my choice (a life with my partner) then I should go to him, give up my job and move out, as he couldn't support me in my decision, the hurt this has all caused is tremendous, please anyone reading this and thinking of having a go ... STOP AND THINK ... think seriously about what you could cost yourself and your loved ones.
My future is with my partner and I handed in my notice at work today, I leave on Friday and move out Friday night, I don't know what the future holds, but I am optimistic, away from the crap is THE best man I have ever had the honour of knowing and when we are through all this, life is going to be fantastic, we won't be living with my parents no more, we will be on our own (it's been easier to be with them the last couple of years) we won't be controlled by someone else, needing to know where we are, what we are doing and what we are spending etc etc etc.
I do not agree with what my partner done, I will never fully understand it either, but step by step I am coming to terms with it. I've decided I ain't ashamed that I am with someone who did/does drugs, instead I am bloody proud to be with someone who 'decided' to stop using before and has decided that again, he just needs a little help with it, but thank goodness that help came 4 wks in and not longer, my hat is off to him and I am proud of him and I love him.
Thankyou for your messages of support, I think this is somewhere I will return to time and time again, I need to understand more in able to be a support fully and not just someone to hide the truth from.
Thanks again and all the best to you all for the future xxx
jus, Wow, lots going on there......please let us know how ya are.
Hope it works out for ya.......sorry you're gone through it.
Hope it works out for ya.......sorry you're gone through it.
Hi all and thanks again for ya messages.
The 'other half' is doing well and has been prescribed Subutex at 8mg a day for another 2 weeks and then it starts getting reduced, he no longer has stomach cramps and aches and pains on waking.
Life seems to just get harder tho, I thought I would sail through this week but I am finding it really hard, just 2 more days at work then home to pack up my car and daughter and leave for now, will be back to fetch whatever I can't fit in at some later date.
Things seem to be getting me really down and that moment and I can't make up my mind if I feel ill, or if it's just my body fighting back at all the stress etc. I can't wait for this week to be through and be with my baby once again - for good. I know some people don't understand the whole drug thing, I don't understand alot of it myself, but I do know that if you truly love someone you will stand by them no matter what, for anyone else out there going through the same sort of thing look at this way
An alcoholic when 'on the wagon' can stand up and be proud of beating their addiction.
An ex-smoker can be proud and get on the soap box about not smoking and be given a pat on the back and told how well they have done.
A drug addict is, in some instances made to feel ashamed and dirty, that is so wrong, I know the harm it can cause and I certainly have seen the ripples as this has spread out affecting so many people, but, when the decision not to take (as pointed out above - thankyou) is made, it should be welcomed and something to be proud of.
I have spoken to a few people about what is going on with my partner and I at the moment and I have been happily shocked at the support offered, maybe one day this will all be more understood, I hope so. It hurts to have to choose between a loved one and a family that you have known forever, but what hurts most is finding out that the statement 'I will support you in whatever you decide whether I think it is right or wrong' was just a line, I always believed in it, but when put to the test it meant nothing at all, and, dealing with that for me is worse than my partner having a relapse.
If you are going through something like this, please talk to your partner, let them know that you support, love and believe in them. For me, talking has been the strongest tool in my getting to know about all the ins and outs but also to let my partner know that I don't look down on him, I am definately not ashamed of him and I wholeheartedly believe in our future.
All the best of luck to everyone out there trying to beat this thing, I'll be back to let you know how I am getting on, but thankyou for letting me stay awhile, read up on it all and to be able to clear my head a little. But the biggest thankyou of all is that I wasn't made to feel 'bad' about being here, thanks.
JustSho xxx
The 'other half' is doing well and has been prescribed Subutex at 8mg a day for another 2 weeks and then it starts getting reduced, he no longer has stomach cramps and aches and pains on waking.
Life seems to just get harder tho, I thought I would sail through this week but I am finding it really hard, just 2 more days at work then home to pack up my car and daughter and leave for now, will be back to fetch whatever I can't fit in at some later date.
Things seem to be getting me really down and that moment and I can't make up my mind if I feel ill, or if it's just my body fighting back at all the stress etc. I can't wait for this week to be through and be with my baby once again - for good. I know some people don't understand the whole drug thing, I don't understand alot of it myself, but I do know that if you truly love someone you will stand by them no matter what, for anyone else out there going through the same sort of thing look at this way
An alcoholic when 'on the wagon' can stand up and be proud of beating their addiction.
An ex-smoker can be proud and get on the soap box about not smoking and be given a pat on the back and told how well they have done.
A drug addict is, in some instances made to feel ashamed and dirty, that is so wrong, I know the harm it can cause and I certainly have seen the ripples as this has spread out affecting so many people, but, when the decision not to take (as pointed out above - thankyou) is made, it should be welcomed and something to be proud of.
I have spoken to a few people about what is going on with my partner and I at the moment and I have been happily shocked at the support offered, maybe one day this will all be more understood, I hope so. It hurts to have to choose between a loved one and a family that you have known forever, but what hurts most is finding out that the statement 'I will support you in whatever you decide whether I think it is right or wrong' was just a line, I always believed in it, but when put to the test it meant nothing at all, and, dealing with that for me is worse than my partner having a relapse.
If you are going through something like this, please talk to your partner, let them know that you support, love and believe in them. For me, talking has been the strongest tool in my getting to know about all the ins and outs but also to let my partner know that I don't look down on him, I am definately not ashamed of him and I wholeheartedly believe in our future.
All the best of luck to everyone out there trying to beat this thing, I'll be back to let you know how I am getting on, but thankyou for letting me stay awhile, read up on it all and to be able to clear my head a little. But the biggest thankyou of all is that I wasn't made to feel 'bad' about being here, thanks.
JustSho xxx
Like yourself I have been with my partner for 3 years. He was a user before he met me but has been clean for 3 year until the last 2-3 months. Like yourself I didnt know the signs but got suspicious and found foil which hadnt flushed away, his pupils were very small and also he was very itchy all the time and constantly picking at his face. I evetually got the truth out of him and have been constantly helping him to get off this. He has gone 2 days cold turkey but he went to get meth earlier. I have insisted he goes to get help through a clinic tomorrow. I find things much harder because we live together. I have tried kicking him out but he has nobody else and he wants to be close to me and our 13 month old daughter. I am just going to stick by him as long as he sticks to this. Its hard to think like an addict but this website really really puts you in a frame of mind to partly understand how they think etc. Keep strong and get through this. I understand what the depression feels like but for the sake of your daughter and your relationship be there for him and just support him and listen and STAY STRONG. Then he wont have any excuse to lie to you as my partner had been to myself. Its frustrating because you dont realise what its like. You think they dont care about you and that all they care about is heroin but as a matter of fact they dont feel any better after using, they just have to do it. There bodies tell them so. Its hard but am sure we will both get through this. xx
Hi Bunny,
How are you doing today? Do you have the same thoughts as me, is it worth it? Am I to blame? Does he not love me? Would he better off without me? It's mad but I go through all of these alot during the day - when I let my mind wander, then I remember the 'very' good person that he is, I remember why I love him so much and I remember that to have my soul mate back I have to be supportive, I have to be there for him, but also I have found at times I need to back right the way off, he knows how I feel and I how I see our future together, but my needing to get this across I think came across as me being clingy or something, this week I left his parents on Monday morning and drove up to work (instead of going to my parents on Sunday morning and having a shorter drive to work) on Thursday I finish work and drive back down, but in the meantime I haven't called him EVERY dinner and break time and a few times of a night and the difference is fantastic, when I do talk to him now I hear it in his voice that he wants to talk to me too, but then I can do that as we are not living together at the present. But I have found that probably the hardest thing, going from living together to not waking up to him every morning, not being able to kiss him goodnight before I go to sleep, not having someone there in the middle of the night reaching out to make sure I am there and that I am ok.
I know at the end of all this we are going to be happy, I know it ain't going to be easy, my suspicions alone will take a long time to get over - but in the long term I want to share my life with him - this is just a short time that we have to go through.
I hope it all goes well for you all, I would advise you both to go and see a counsellor, you have questions that you need answering that your partner may never be able to answer. I am going as soon as I can, I need to to help me understand it all clearer but also so they can advise me the best way I can be a support.
Keep me posted on how you get on, together we can travel the road and get the futures that we, our partners and our children deserve.
Hang in there.
hugs
Shox
How are you doing today? Do you have the same thoughts as me, is it worth it? Am I to blame? Does he not love me? Would he better off without me? It's mad but I go through all of these alot during the day - when I let my mind wander, then I remember the 'very' good person that he is, I remember why I love him so much and I remember that to have my soul mate back I have to be supportive, I have to be there for him, but also I have found at times I need to back right the way off, he knows how I feel and I how I see our future together, but my needing to get this across I think came across as me being clingy or something, this week I left his parents on Monday morning and drove up to work (instead of going to my parents on Sunday morning and having a shorter drive to work) on Thursday I finish work and drive back down, but in the meantime I haven't called him EVERY dinner and break time and a few times of a night and the difference is fantastic, when I do talk to him now I hear it in his voice that he wants to talk to me too, but then I can do that as we are not living together at the present. But I have found that probably the hardest thing, going from living together to not waking up to him every morning, not being able to kiss him goodnight before I go to sleep, not having someone there in the middle of the night reaching out to make sure I am there and that I am ok.
I know at the end of all this we are going to be happy, I know it ain't going to be easy, my suspicions alone will take a long time to get over - but in the long term I want to share my life with him - this is just a short time that we have to go through.
I hope it all goes well for you all, I would advise you both to go and see a counsellor, you have questions that you need answering that your partner may never be able to answer. I am going as soon as I can, I need to to help me understand it all clearer but also so they can advise me the best way I can be a support.
Keep me posted on how you get on, together we can travel the road and get the futures that we, our partners and our children deserve.
Hang in there.
hugs
Shox
Hiya Shox,
I know what your saying about all the questions that go through your mind...does he love me, is this my fault, what can I do better, can I change things???? My mind is constantly thinking about what I can do better to help but also I think do I deserve better, should I leave etc. I do still love him but no where near as much as I used to and I cant stand him when he has been using. He becomes very irritating and just the thought of what he has done makes me mad. Does he not think about me and my feelngs before he does this?? I have learnt to understand that they do think about thier loved ones but they have no control over what they are doing and feel guilty as soon as they have done it. Their bodies are telling them that they need this and without they become ill. I have held on for this long so I think I can manage a little longer as long as he continues to help himself although I dont know if I will ever trust him again. I dread him coming in the door because I dont know what to expect, what state he is going to be in and what frame of mind. I have come to the conclusion that I need to get on with things as normal as possible and not sufficate him as much. My daughter needs me so I am going to do all I can for her and just be there for him. Hopefully he will continue with the help and one day in the future things can be normal again. The only thing which upsets him now is he needs me like I used to need him but because of all this I have became stronger and very independant and I dont need him. I do love him and want to be with him. Someone told me once a smoker needs cigarrettes, an asthmatic needs an inhaler, an alchoholic needs drink just like a heroin addict needs heroin. Its there medicine. As true as that is there is a way forward from all this and I hope one day both your partner and my own can get clean from this and learn to confide in us!
I really hope things work out. Feel free to email me too on lyndsayg425@hotmail.co.uk. Would love to keep in touch. Its nice to speak to someone who understands what I am going through as they are going through it themselves xx
I know what your saying about all the questions that go through your mind...does he love me, is this my fault, what can I do better, can I change things???? My mind is constantly thinking about what I can do better to help but also I think do I deserve better, should I leave etc. I do still love him but no where near as much as I used to and I cant stand him when he has been using. He becomes very irritating and just the thought of what he has done makes me mad. Does he not think about me and my feelngs before he does this?? I have learnt to understand that they do think about thier loved ones but they have no control over what they are doing and feel guilty as soon as they have done it. Their bodies are telling them that they need this and without they become ill. I have held on for this long so I think I can manage a little longer as long as he continues to help himself although I dont know if I will ever trust him again. I dread him coming in the door because I dont know what to expect, what state he is going to be in and what frame of mind. I have come to the conclusion that I need to get on with things as normal as possible and not sufficate him as much. My daughter needs me so I am going to do all I can for her and just be there for him. Hopefully he will continue with the help and one day in the future things can be normal again. The only thing which upsets him now is he needs me like I used to need him but because of all this I have became stronger and very independant and I dont need him. I do love him and want to be with him. Someone told me once a smoker needs cigarrettes, an asthmatic needs an inhaler, an alchoholic needs drink just like a heroin addict needs heroin. Its there medicine. As true as that is there is a way forward from all this and I hope one day both your partner and my own can get clean from this and learn to confide in us!
I really hope things work out. Feel free to email me too on lyndsayg425@hotmail.co.uk. Would love to keep in touch. Its nice to speak to someone who understands what I am going through as they are going through it themselves xx
