Hello all, I'm posting this in the hope that someone in either a similar situation to my own, or even looking at it from another perspective will be able to offer me some insight.
My partner and I have been together for a year and live together. He was a heroin addict for about 10 years and when we met he was using prescribed subutex. After a while it became apparent that he was not actually 'clean' when we got together, he would still use occasionally use H but our blossoming relationship had put a stop to that. It concerned me at the time but I was pleased that I seemed to be having such a positive influence on his life.
There was still an elephant in the room which was the way he took his subutex, which he injected. However we had a plan; we were moving away together and with a fresh start imminent he decided it was time to come off opiates all together. It seemed to be going well at first, he was determined and I put up with the bad moods, tossing and turning, sweats, lack of sex drive or energy to do anything because i 'knew' things would improve. They didn't.
After a month clean my partner relapsed and starting using heroin again, treating it like medication, even referring to it as such. It was horrific to watch, I had never even seen anyone use heroin before. It nearly bankrupt us both as I shamefully helped him to buy it to keep him well enough so that he could work. Since that episode he is now back on a subutex and is doing well on it, but here comes the hard part. He wants to taper off towards the end of the year so that he can go back studying (he is a very intelligent man who has not used his potential due to his addictions). i am of all course all for this and will encourage and support him every step of the way, BUT I am terrified that when he does come off subutex we will go through all of this again, this time years into the relationship and with my more time, love, energy and money invested into it.
I turn 30 in a few months, have a great job and would like to settle down and think about starting a family of my own. I consider myself to be a strong and sensible woman but to be honest, I'm scared. Can a heroin addict really turn their back on the drug and start again? Am I kidding myself that my love is enough to keep him off it? Can I trust him when I go away for work not to have a 'fling' with lady H? Past experience tells me no but I so want to believe in him. If anyone has any experience or insight your advice would be a great help as I cannot talk to the people close to me about this. Thanks
Dear Wanderwoman,
I am the father of a lovely young woman, so I will be more blunt than usual. I hope you take my input as such.
Your mate is not ready for a relationship. He is stuck in the cycle of short bursts of being clean, followed by subutex (which is designed to be taken orally.
I would not consider any form of a romance with him until 100% of this has been achieved: A year of sobriety, including off of subutex. Able to work and pay all his bills. Able to take care of a pet and a house plant. Remains closely connected to a support group such as NAR ANon. Based on his world view, some churches offer support programs. His longterm program of recovery looks something like this - many meetings at first (90 meetings in 90 days), getting a sponsor, reading the literature, working the steps, performing service work, sharing his experience with others - and then repeat with the emphasis on attendence at regular meetings.
You see, addicts always try a "half measure". The succesful recovery arises when the addict sumbits to the "full measure". With the half measure, the addict is particularly charming, romantic, optimistic. This is called a "pink cloud" and a sign of his growing pains. He will have to move beyond that toward long term recovery. This means you need to be aware, and not get fooled by this overconfidence in early recovery.
The sucess rates for long-term recovery off herion is not good. It does happen, and many of my friends are success stories. The one common element is they abstained from romance during that first year.
You will benefit significantly from being in your own codepedent program - NAR Anon or AL ANon. Attend meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, etc.
If you envision decades of relationship with this person, this is the least you can do. Anything short of that is painfully risky.
Please feel free to message back if you'd like me to ellaborate. Good luck.
Flyboy
I am the father of a lovely young woman, so I will be more blunt than usual. I hope you take my input as such.
Your mate is not ready for a relationship. He is stuck in the cycle of short bursts of being clean, followed by subutex (which is designed to be taken orally.
I would not consider any form of a romance with him until 100% of this has been achieved: A year of sobriety, including off of subutex. Able to work and pay all his bills. Able to take care of a pet and a house plant. Remains closely connected to a support group such as NAR ANon. Based on his world view, some churches offer support programs. His longterm program of recovery looks something like this - many meetings at first (90 meetings in 90 days), getting a sponsor, reading the literature, working the steps, performing service work, sharing his experience with others - and then repeat with the emphasis on attendence at regular meetings.
You see, addicts always try a "half measure". The succesful recovery arises when the addict sumbits to the "full measure". With the half measure, the addict is particularly charming, romantic, optimistic. This is called a "pink cloud" and a sign of his growing pains. He will have to move beyond that toward long term recovery. This means you need to be aware, and not get fooled by this overconfidence in early recovery.
The sucess rates for long-term recovery off herion is not good. It does happen, and many of my friends are success stories. The one common element is they abstained from romance during that first year.
You will benefit significantly from being in your own codepedent program - NAR Anon or AL ANon. Attend meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, etc.
If you envision decades of relationship with this person, this is the least you can do. Anything short of that is painfully risky.
Please feel free to message back if you'd like me to ellaborate. Good luck.
Flyboy
Correction:
For your mate, I suggest NA, not NAR Anon. NAR Anon and Al Anon are meant for family memberss.
He has to want it. If he attends only to please you, that is a warning sign.
Regardless, please wait 1 year before you make a decision. If 2 months have gone by and things are still status quo, you'll know what to do.
Remember: Love is a decision, not a feeling. Please make the right decision. The wrong one will being unbearable pain into your life. Chances are, it will bring the same to children which would a tragedy. You have the power to make the right decision.
Fly
For your mate, I suggest NA, not NAR Anon. NAR Anon and Al Anon are meant for family memberss.
He has to want it. If he attends only to please you, that is a warning sign.
Regardless, please wait 1 year before you make a decision. If 2 months have gone by and things are still status quo, you'll know what to do.
Remember: Love is a decision, not a feeling. Please make the right decision. The wrong one will being unbearable pain into your life. Chances are, it will bring the same to children which would a tragedy. You have the power to make the right decision.
Fly
Hi Fly, thank you so much for your response and guidance. I think you are spot on with regards to the 'pink cloud' effect. I think we are both on a state of over-confidence about the future, at least i was. I've found an anonymous group who hold meetings near by every monday and I'm going to attend. I'm afraid that if I simply walk away at this point, asides from the fact that he has nowhere else to go, he would revert to his old ways. I would feel as though I would be sealing his fate and I just couldnt live with myself. I'm going to see how the meetings go and how his behavior is over the coming months, before I plan too much about the future. I feel I have a duty to do this, despite what it might mean for my progression in the short term - it's the only thing I can do to feel right with myself and my actions.
Thanks again and all the best
Thanks again and all the best
