Hello,
I am looking for a bit of advice, or perhaps maybe some motivation or a glimmer of hope. My boyfriend has been struggling with an addiction for well over 4 years now. It started with prescription pain killers, and moved on to Heroin, which he now does everyday. He only smokes it but is a step away from shooting it. This addiction has brought so much problem and pain to our relationship, to the point where we were completely disconnected and were almost just roommates at this point. We have a baby together and he has two kids with a prior relationship. At one point we got into a big fight and I finally left. I was worried about his two kids because at that point, I was the one taking care of them because he wasn't able to. I ended up reaching out to his ex and letting her know about his drug problem. She stopped letting the kids come over and he hasn't seen them for 6 months. We ended back together, I don't know what keeps pulling me back to him. Everything was the same, still disconnected, but deep down inside I knew i still loved him regardless. Maybe i was just trying to kid myself, who knows.
After constant fighting and nagging, he said he wanted to get clean. After 4 years of these promises, at this point i didn't believe a word he said. He tried getting clean on his own, but it never happened. The moment he got paid he would run to buy drugs. Then he started blaming it on me and saying that i wasn't helping him get into rehab, at which point i told him I wasn't going to help him because it needed to come from him, i wasn't going to make it easy for him so that he would fall back into it that fast. He finally said he had enough, he asked for time off at work so he could go into a rehab center. He made all the calls himself and will be going tomorrow. He wants to stay as long as he can.
For anybody that has gone through this, from your experience, how sure and how excited should i be? Should i prepare myself for another disappointment? Will he need to do this more than one time?
I am super afraid to even get my hopes up slightly.
Thank you.
I think the bigger question here needs to be...Do you really want this for your life? Heroin is very nasty stuff and with it's usage comes a very high (90%) relapse rate along with all the lies that users tell.
And a MUCH bigger question needs to be do you really want this for your kid?
The well being of the children involved needs to a higher priority than your love life.
Sorry if that sounds cold but you're a mother first...a girlfriend a distant 2nd.
And a MUCH bigger question needs to be do you really want this for your kid?
The well being of the children involved needs to a higher priority than your love life.
Sorry if that sounds cold but you're a mother first...a girlfriend a distant 2nd.
Hi Les,
To elaborate on Rich's post...addiction is a lifelong problem. The hope is that our loved one will quit and quit for a long time. This does happen, and I know amazing people who have done this for decades!! However, as family members, we do need to be realistic. This is tough stuff and many don't make it out. And, no matter what we say, you will get your hopes up. We all do. No amount of us talking or you telling yourself will dampen that spark of hope. : ) But, yes, try to be realistic and try your best to stay even-keeled so in you don't come crashing down if it doesn't "work". There are no quick fixes and this will be a lifelong issues.
I do wish you and your family the best of hope and it is a good sign he wants to quit. Just a long battle ahead. As Rich said, you need to keep monitoring the situation to see if it is healthy for you and your child. Please keep writing and let us know how things are going.
To elaborate on Rich's post...addiction is a lifelong problem. The hope is that our loved one will quit and quit for a long time. This does happen, and I know amazing people who have done this for decades!! However, as family members, we do need to be realistic. This is tough stuff and many don't make it out. And, no matter what we say, you will get your hopes up. We all do. No amount of us talking or you telling yourself will dampen that spark of hope. : ) But, yes, try to be realistic and try your best to stay even-keeled so in you don't come crashing down if it doesn't "work". There are no quick fixes and this will be a lifelong issues.
I do wish you and your family the best of hope and it is a good sign he wants to quit. Just a long battle ahead. As Rich said, you need to keep monitoring the situation to see if it is healthy for you and your child. Please keep writing and let us know how things are going.
Thank you for your replies.
Rich, i really appreciate the advice, My children always come first no matter what. That is what i've told him, before he decided that he was going to check into rehab i had let him know that i wasn't doing this anymore and that he could leave and not contact me or his daughter until he got help. My only problem was that, we are living with my grandparents and no matter how many times i kicked him out, he wouldn't leave. I didn't want to escalate this and make it a big drama by calling the cops because my grandparents are old and that's the last thing they need at home. That is why we became so distant from each other. But regardless of all that, i still cared.
Yesterday was his first day of rehab. I haven't been able to talk to him and won't for at least 7 days, he has a black out period while he detoxes. I told him we should both take this time that he is away to think about what's going to happen when he gets out. He seemed very determined and very happy to finally be there. But i'm guessing this is common from an addict. My main concern is him getting clean and coming out determined and then he starts hanging out with his one friend who happens to be an addict as well and was the one who introduced him to this drug.
We even spoke about how i would ever be able to trust him again. I would be constantly thinking that he is out looking for drugs. Well for the time being, i'm going to be working on myself, and for once, looking at and accomplishing my needs.
Rich, i really appreciate the advice, My children always come first no matter what. That is what i've told him, before he decided that he was going to check into rehab i had let him know that i wasn't doing this anymore and that he could leave and not contact me or his daughter until he got help. My only problem was that, we are living with my grandparents and no matter how many times i kicked him out, he wouldn't leave. I didn't want to escalate this and make it a big drama by calling the cops because my grandparents are old and that's the last thing they need at home. That is why we became so distant from each other. But regardless of all that, i still cared.
Yesterday was his first day of rehab. I haven't been able to talk to him and won't for at least 7 days, he has a black out period while he detoxes. I told him we should both take this time that he is away to think about what's going to happen when he gets out. He seemed very determined and very happy to finally be there. But i'm guessing this is common from an addict. My main concern is him getting clean and coming out determined and then he starts hanging out with his one friend who happens to be an addict as well and was the one who introduced him to this drug.
We even spoke about how i would ever be able to trust him again. I would be constantly thinking that he is out looking for drugs. Well for the time being, i'm going to be working on myself, and for once, looking at and accomplishing my needs.
When you talk to him - he may give you a call after the detox - tell him to stay in for a few weeks of rehab.
my son went to hospital, 3 days detox, 14 days rehab. he is getting out next week. he is coming home. he tried to go to a local long term rehab but it does not take his insurance.
He is determined to not get into drugs again. he said this hospital facility was the first of 3 rehabs where the staff was very helpful and said the things he needs to hear. (I know - this can change in a week!) He will be going to out patient program at the recovery center where I have been seeing a therapist. It is a county/state center that actually has a lot of programs.
My take-away is that WE (mom and dad) do not have to put up with addiction related stress in our home. the first day we think he has relapsed I will drive him to the hospital. Now that I know the routine, I do not have any problem raising the white flag and dropping him on the door step of the hospital (addiction treatment center) I will also be telling him if he feels cravings, get a cab and go to the outpatient center or if relapse - get a cab and go to hospital.
My advice to you - do not let him return to your grandparents home. Take this opportunity to take a break to work on your own lives separately. convince him to stay with HIS family or a local sober living or file for social services of any kind that will help him find housing, etc. there are programs to help him. he does not have to live with you. it is too much - too time consuming for you to watch every move and monitor your bf
my son went to hospital, 3 days detox, 14 days rehab. he is getting out next week. he is coming home. he tried to go to a local long term rehab but it does not take his insurance.
He is determined to not get into drugs again. he said this hospital facility was the first of 3 rehabs where the staff was very helpful and said the things he needs to hear. (I know - this can change in a week!) He will be going to out patient program at the recovery center where I have been seeing a therapist. It is a county/state center that actually has a lot of programs.
My take-away is that WE (mom and dad) do not have to put up with addiction related stress in our home. the first day we think he has relapsed I will drive him to the hospital. Now that I know the routine, I do not have any problem raising the white flag and dropping him on the door step of the hospital (addiction treatment center) I will also be telling him if he feels cravings, get a cab and go to the outpatient center or if relapse - get a cab and go to hospital.
My advice to you - do not let him return to your grandparents home. Take this opportunity to take a break to work on your own lives separately. convince him to stay with HIS family or a local sober living or file for social services of any kind that will help him find housing, etc. there are programs to help him. he does not have to live with you. it is too much - too time consuming for you to watch every move and monitor your bf
