I have been in recovery for 70 days now and I can't stand the boredom. Staying busy and doing what you should have for all the years of active addiction is only so satisfying. I desperately miss the excitement of finding drugs, using them, helping others find, selling, making quick money, spending money lavishly, and lying to and manipulating those around me to beat the system. Being a drug addict is a full time job with a bunch of successes and failures. Sober life seems like a string of meaningless tasks that don't carry much importance. I realize it's important to pay my bills on time, but doing so doesn't compare to the feeling of accomplishment I got from scoring pills. I was addicted to oxycontin, marijuana, gambling, sex, spending money, and breaking the law. Nothing gave me more satisfaction than beating the system and making quick money in an enjoyable way that others had to put in long hours to make. A drug deal is exciting, you feel like youre helping both parties, and you make quick money doing something that you need. Right now I am really struggling with the idea of living within the law and going through the day without the excitement of getting and using drugs. If anyone has any input on what I might try or how I might try and view this problem I would really appreciate the help.
If anyone has any input on what I might try or how I might try and view this problem I would really appreciate the help.
If you don't mind me asking, why'd you get sober? Are you looking to stay clean & sober? I only ask because your post sounds like you're not wanting out of the scene. Someone or the law possibly forced you into recovery?
I ask with respect.
For me, after being clean & sober for about 3 months, the endorphins started firing again and that sense of "blah", boredom started lifting and I started to "see" things in a different perspective.
Keep coming back. Congrats on 70 days~
Stacey
If you don't mind me asking, why'd you get sober? Are you looking to stay clean & sober? I only ask because your post sounds like you're not wanting out of the scene. Someone or the law possibly forced you into recovery?
I ask with respect.
For me, after being clean & sober for about 3 months, the endorphins started firing again and that sense of "blah", boredom started lifting and I started to "see" things in a different perspective.
Keep coming back. Congrats on 70 days~
Stacey
i got arrested and had to get sober. at first i only wanted to stay sober to stay out of more trouble, but after talking to a therapist I realized all the people that my addictions affects as well as all the ridiculous rationalizations I was making. My legal problems are slowly killing my parents, as well as their worry for me as an addict. In addition, I am killing myself. While I do like the excitement of the drug life, the pain of sobriety will only get worse the longer I continue to use. I realize now that it's not something I can ween off and just get better. Your brain stops producing pleasure when you supplement so much of it yourself with drugs. Right now I can't imagine life being much worse, but I know that if I use again, the next time I try and get clean will be that much worse. This may not be the reason most people get clean, and im trying desperately to develop an honest desire to stop using but right now it is a rational decision more than an emotional one. I can't keep crashing cars, getting arrested, lying, stealing, starving myself, and ruining all the relationships around me. I am only 22 years old and want to live my life rather than sleep it away. I don't want to be a drug addict sleeping in a box in the bathroom of the train station. I want to have a family and be naturally happy, but even if i'm not happy myself, i want to be trusted by my family and friends and no one trusts an addict. I want simple things like being allowed near my brother's children. I don't want to keep killing my parents and I don't want to isolate myself from every relationship I have. I know I need help, i know its a disease, and i know eventually i will have an earnest desire to stay clean but right now it really is more of a rational decision as i still crave that high every day.
Zaki,
I've been in the rooms of AA for a little while now and one thing that I have seen is it doesn't matter how you walk in the doors, what brings you in, if you have the desire or even the desire to have the desire, it can work for you.
Your story reads very familar to me, I could substitute my son's name Steven and he could have wrote what you have shared, very parallel lives.
Find a meeting around you and just go. It does get better and all the drama & chaos of the "addict" lifestyle gets replaced with honest people and new sense of joy and purpose.
http://portaltools.na.org/portaltoo...ools/meetingloc
http://www.aa.org/
Keep coming back, Zaki.
Take care,
Stacey
I've been in the rooms of AA for a little while now and one thing that I have seen is it doesn't matter how you walk in the doors, what brings you in, if you have the desire or even the desire to have the desire, it can work for you.
Your story reads very familar to me, I could substitute my son's name Steven and he could have wrote what you have shared, very parallel lives.
Find a meeting around you and just go. It does get better and all the drama & chaos of the "addict" lifestyle gets replaced with honest people and new sense of joy and purpose.
http://portaltools.na.org/portaltoo...ools/meetingloc
http://www.aa.org/
Keep coming back, Zaki.
Take care,
Stacey
Zaki, I admire your honesty. Putting it all out there as you have makes it all the more likely that someone here or elsewhere will be able to offer some really solid advice on how to get where you need to be, even if it's not what you want yet. At the moment, a guy named Mark comes to mind. I was going to tell you about him, but it might be better if he comes on and tells you himself how drama took over his life...
Hang in there and have a little faith that Stacey knows what she's talking about...give it some time, you've got many good reasons to give it up.
Peace and Welcome ~ MomNMore
Hang in there and have a little faith that Stacey knows what she's talking about...give it some time, you've got many good reasons to give it up.
Peace and Welcome ~ MomNMore
Dear zaki,
Welcome to the boards and to recovery. Some people not only get addicted to the drugs, They get addicted to the lifestyle. Both the drugs and the lifestyle can kill you. I used to call it my SICK EXCITEMENT.
I don't know if you attend any 12 step meetings but my suggestion would be to get involved in some meetings. Go a little early to talk to a few members and see what they did for boredom. You can also bring it up at the meeting to get some suggestions there. You may find you are not the only one dealing with it. Reach out to others in your age group and ask if they want to go out for coffee after a meeting.
It is hard to reach out in the beginning. Getting rid of all those people places and things we used to have and do are hard. Make new friends in the rooms of recovery and before you know it, going out for coffee, going to the movies, bowling, camping, danceing....all these can be a lot of fun without having to be messed up out of our brains.
Recovery can be very exciting but I found you have to look for it because it isn't going to look for you.
Dawn
Welcome to the boards and to recovery. Some people not only get addicted to the drugs, They get addicted to the lifestyle. Both the drugs and the lifestyle can kill you. I used to call it my SICK EXCITEMENT.
I don't know if you attend any 12 step meetings but my suggestion would be to get involved in some meetings. Go a little early to talk to a few members and see what they did for boredom. You can also bring it up at the meeting to get some suggestions there. You may find you are not the only one dealing with it. Reach out to others in your age group and ask if they want to go out for coffee after a meeting.
It is hard to reach out in the beginning. Getting rid of all those people places and things we used to have and do are hard. Make new friends in the rooms of recovery and before you know it, going out for coffee, going to the movies, bowling, camping, danceing....all these can be a lot of fun without having to be messed up out of our brains.
Recovery can be very exciting but I found you have to look for it because it isn't going to look for you.
Dawn
Hey Now,
i found that boredom of getting clean, wasn't boredom at all, in fact it was major depression caused by the distorted thought process of my mind beginning to heal.
In fact until i got information on the withdrawl process that boredom would alwayd lead to return to active addiciton, for me active addiction is when I treat my disease "addiction" with dope.
Dope taking I have learned was a symptom of my illness. Like a lump on a breast may be a symptom of breast cancer.
get some knowledge keep on sharing..
Oh and just a quick reality check.
------->"Nothing gave me more satisfaction than beating the system" (post 1)
------->" I got arrested" (post 2)
I have never met anyone who "Beat the System" and I am getting old broter.
Love
i found that boredom of getting clean, wasn't boredom at all, in fact it was major depression caused by the distorted thought process of my mind beginning to heal.
In fact until i got information on the withdrawl process that boredom would alwayd lead to return to active addiciton, for me active addiction is when I treat my disease "addiction" with dope.
Dope taking I have learned was a symptom of my illness. Like a lump on a breast may be a symptom of breast cancer.
get some knowledge keep on sharing..
Oh and just a quick reality check.
------->"Nothing gave me more satisfaction than beating the system" (post 1)
------->" I got arrested" (post 2)
I have never met anyone who "Beat the System" and I am getting old broter.
Love
i, too, am digging your honesty.
you need a hobby. (something legal and no drugs) something to keep you busy.
you may not have found the right hobby yet, but don't give up searching.
btdubs, 70 days? that's pretty kick a**.
:)
xoxoxo
Skeeter
you need a hobby. (something legal and no drugs) something to keep you busy.
you may not have found the right hobby yet, but don't give up searching.
btdubs, 70 days? that's pretty kick a**.
:)
xoxoxo
Skeeter
Hi there Zaki - Thanks for your honesty. I certainly can identify even as a 50 year old woman with two teens. We don't like boredom. The mundane is for less exciting peeps. I read over your posts twice and believe you answered your own questions/comments in your second post. I was thinking at first that you stated alot of what you don't want. I was going to ask you to think about what you DO want. I see you actually did answer that. Sometimes the simple and mundane things are the most satisfying. I find this to be true when you've been to the gates of hell and despair. I've been told to remember my last drunk or my last withdraw. When I play that tape to the end I don't romanticize the "fun" that I had while partying so much.
I remember myself at age 22 and think how hard it would have been to stop partying at that age. Everybody parties in their 20s or at least that is what I thought. I remember going out one night with some new co-workers. I got trashed. The next day I mentioned to one of the girls how drunk we all were. She told me that [i] was drunk not all of them. How humiliating that was! I had no doubt made a complete a** out of myself. That particular group never invited me out again. That is just one of about a thousand of my embarrassing moments. It doesn't even touch the surface of how vulnerable I was or how I could have killed someone or myself while under the influence. I decided at the age of 26 that the pain of drinking way surpassed the good times that I had. The pain brought me to AA where I never picked up another drink. Unfortunately, I continued to use drugs without the public repercussions that my drinking caused. I wish I had stopped all of it at that time. I discovered pain pills at about the same time I quit drinking. I honestly did not think I was hurting anyone but myself. After I became clean the last time (about two years ago) I started to realize how much I did mess up. I can't do anything about it but try to live better today. I am grateful that I was able to live through all of it without losing my family, freedom or my life. I am grateful that I don't live with the regret of killing someone while driving drunk.
Someone recommended that you find a meeting with people your own age. That is a great idea. In time you will connect with someone at one of those meetings. You may even find something fun to do. It is an amazing feeling having fun without getting high. Start thinking about the things you want to do and start doing them. You may find that fear is the only thing holding you back.
FEAR caused me to use drugs and alcohol. PAIN caused me to stop. I still live with both but by giving them up I've found hope and self respect. I admit that alot of days they are scarce. I struggle alot even with all the good things in my life. It is a battle but one that is worth fighting. Life is short enough.
I remember myself at age 22 and think how hard it would have been to stop partying at that age. Everybody parties in their 20s or at least that is what I thought. I remember going out one night with some new co-workers. I got trashed. The next day I mentioned to one of the girls how drunk we all were. She told me that [i] was drunk not all of them. How humiliating that was! I had no doubt made a complete a** out of myself. That particular group never invited me out again. That is just one of about a thousand of my embarrassing moments. It doesn't even touch the surface of how vulnerable I was or how I could have killed someone or myself while under the influence. I decided at the age of 26 that the pain of drinking way surpassed the good times that I had. The pain brought me to AA where I never picked up another drink. Unfortunately, I continued to use drugs without the public repercussions that my drinking caused. I wish I had stopped all of it at that time. I discovered pain pills at about the same time I quit drinking. I honestly did not think I was hurting anyone but myself. After I became clean the last time (about two years ago) I started to realize how much I did mess up. I can't do anything about it but try to live better today. I am grateful that I was able to live through all of it without losing my family, freedom or my life. I am grateful that I don't live with the regret of killing someone while driving drunk.
Someone recommended that you find a meeting with people your own age. That is a great idea. In time you will connect with someone at one of those meetings. You may even find something fun to do. It is an amazing feeling having fun without getting high. Start thinking about the things you want to do and start doing them. You may find that fear is the only thing holding you back.
FEAR caused me to use drugs and alcohol. PAIN caused me to stop. I still live with both but by giving them up I've found hope and self respect. I admit that alot of days they are scarce. I struggle alot even with all the good things in my life. It is a battle but one that is worth fighting. Life is short enough.
Hey again - Just wanted to add to check out Reshie's post on the H board entitled "pride cometh before a fall". Also to remind you to take what you need and leave the rest. Keep coming back. There will be something someone says that will resonate with you. That may be the thing that leads you to stay clean another day. Also you don't have to think of it as being clean and boring (OMG) the rest of your life. You just have to make it through today. Tomorrow may not even come!
hey guys thanks for all your help. I have been going to meetings and yesterday finally met someone my own age, until then it had all been older people that i had trouble relating to. We talked for a while and it really did feel good. I can't thank you all enough for simply being someone that understands what I am going through and showing me that there is hope. My family wants to help but they don't understand the difficult of staying sober. They say things like yea being sober is great but you need to do this now. 71 days is a long time sober for me, but its not long enough that it isn't still a 24hr a day battle. I would love to work on the things that my parents are asking me to, like having more patience with everyone and being generally nicer. But they don't understand how low my stress tolerance is right now. When you go through the day on oxy and dont care about a thing, everything gets under your skin quickly when youre sober. I'm going to try and be more patient but right now if something is getting me riled up I just walk away because i dont want it to get to the point where I am tempted to use. My family doesn't understand that and gets upset when I leave the room. Has anyone else felt like they have no tolerance for stress or frustration and that they just need to get away from it? I feel like in time I will be able to be more patient but right now I feel like walking away from increased stress is the best thing I can do. Is this reasonable?
i hear ya---
in stressful situations, i take a deep breath and remind myself that my brain is most likely trying to trick me into thinking that using will fix all my problems. you don't need that s***.
it's gonna take a little more time to recover from that. but you will. KEEP GOING!!!!
reality check! using/kicking-withdrawing/obsessing over pills/lying to family and yourself/
sucks a**....
....just sayin :D
ps-gratz on 71 days!!!!!!!!!!
xooxox
skeeter
in stressful situations, i take a deep breath and remind myself that my brain is most likely trying to trick me into thinking that using will fix all my problems. you don't need that s***.
it's gonna take a little more time to recover from that. but you will. KEEP GOING!!!!
reality check! using/kicking-withdrawing/obsessing over pills/lying to family and yourself/
sucks a**....
....just sayin :D
ps-gratz on 71 days!!!!!!!!!!
xooxox
skeeter
My daughter is only 23, Zaki, and she just got herself clean of a cocaine/heroin habit a couple of years ago after a ton of drama...psyche ward, 9 weeks of wilderness, 16 months long term rehab, relapse, jail, move back home, relapse, detox, relapse, detox, suboxone, relapse...
She found a sponsor in AA and started really working a program, not just fiddling with a program as in the past, but really working it. She got pregnant, did a rapid wean off of the suboxone after being on for 8 or 10 months, and now has a couple of years under her belt. She is a happy single mother, working really hard, and enjoying her sobriety most of the time. There have been times when she's gone out dancing or to hear her friend's band at a bar and everyone is getting lit, but she has chosen sobriety and doesn't indulge in such evenings much. It is hard sometimes for her being young and wanting to do what other young people can do without falling down the rabbit hole again, but she knows she can't - she isn't like them.
You are lucky to be getting clean young and not spending your life in the drama.
Peace ~ MomNMore
She found a sponsor in AA and started really working a program, not just fiddling with a program as in the past, but really working it. She got pregnant, did a rapid wean off of the suboxone after being on for 8 or 10 months, and now has a couple of years under her belt. She is a happy single mother, working really hard, and enjoying her sobriety most of the time. There have been times when she's gone out dancing or to hear her friend's band at a bar and everyone is getting lit, but she has chosen sobriety and doesn't indulge in such evenings much. It is hard sometimes for her being young and wanting to do what other young people can do without falling down the rabbit hole again, but she knows she can't - she isn't like them.
You are lucky to be getting clean young and not spending your life in the drama.
Peace ~ MomNMore
I too, am in awe of your honesty..you put it all out there. Little bit of an eye opener.
I agree with Deadhead..it's not boredom, it's depression. Because you aren't feeding those receptors with narcotics anymore, the depression can be overwhelming. Takes time for them to heal and to start producing natraul endorphines again...alot of it is based on how long you used. A good way to kick start that is to find things that used to give you pleasure, like excerize, gardening, scrapbooking, football etc..anything that's not self destructive. It helps retrain your body and mind.
70 days is very huge..be proud of yourself. Also, start giving yourself a break. In that addict is a good person who doesn't want to live outside of the law...that will only lead to three things...jails, institutions and death. Period.
I agree with Deadhead..it's not boredom, it's depression. Because you aren't feeding those receptors with narcotics anymore, the depression can be overwhelming. Takes time for them to heal and to start producing natraul endorphines again...alot of it is based on how long you used. A good way to kick start that is to find things that used to give you pleasure, like excerize, gardening, scrapbooking, football etc..anything that's not self destructive. It helps retrain your body and mind.
70 days is very huge..be proud of yourself. Also, start giving yourself a break. In that addict is a good person who doesn't want to live outside of the law...that will only lead to three things...jails, institutions and death. Period.
Zaki,
When I got clean six months ago, I had like NO endorphins going for like two months. I could tell, because nothing interrested me, nothing was fun.
Even at the end of two months, I barely had times when I could kind of tell that things were getting better.
By three months clean, I could tell for sure that I was feeling better, but still not back to my old self.
I tried to just accept things as they came, and tried not to count the days.
One day a couple months ago I realized I was feeling just about right it seemed.
But now, after six months, I find I'm still regaining clarity of thought and emotions.
I've read that our brains are still healing up to a year and more... I was skeptical, thinking that applied to others, not me. But now, I'm a believer and I look forward to better things to come!
So, hang in there, Z. It does get better!
Mark
When I got clean six months ago, I had like NO endorphins going for like two months. I could tell, because nothing interrested me, nothing was fun.
Even at the end of two months, I barely had times when I could kind of tell that things were getting better.
By three months clean, I could tell for sure that I was feeling better, but still not back to my old self.
I tried to just accept things as they came, and tried not to count the days.
One day a couple months ago I realized I was feeling just about right it seemed.
But now, after six months, I find I'm still regaining clarity of thought and emotions.
I've read that our brains are still healing up to a year and more... I was skeptical, thinking that applied to others, not me. But now, I'm a believer and I look forward to better things to come!
So, hang in there, Z. It does get better!
Mark
My daughter's doc in Texas (for whom I have the utmost respect) said up to 18 months for the brain to return to normal from cocaine addiction, which often appears to be bipolar disorder; meth is the longest brain-recovery time with two to three years or longer, and opiates less time than cocaine, but with longer term psychological factors.
So in other words, it just gets better and better =)
So in other words, it just gets better and better =)
what are the long term psychological effects of opiates?
Long term effects? For me is was boredom. Helplessness, hopelessness. Not enjoying life or laughter. Little things that we take for granted. For some it's deeper, depression that's real. Depression that was there before the addiction. It does get better though. 7 years clean here and life is so good.