Girls,
Most of you know my story. Long and sad, with a few high spots. Which were short lived. I haven't heard from J since Jan. He usually calls on his birthday, but that went by. It's been three months and since then I've became a grandma to a beautiful baby girl on St Paddy's day. We are over the moon. But it feels a little empty. I should be jumping for joy. J and his youngest brother were the best of friends. And he doesn't know he has a niece. He doesn't know his nephews. Hell he doesn't know me anymore.
I should be screaming from top of the world, so excited to be a grandma to a girl at least. I just can't shake this feeling deep down that something is wrong. I feel scared in back of my mind. It's waking me up again.
My head tells me it is what it is. My 36 year old son made the choice I just wish he made a good choice instead becoming an addict/thief/liar.
Last time he didn't call it was 6 months, first I felt relieved to hear from him, then I became apprehensive that he was calling and trying to use emotional blackmail.
Do you girls ever wonder if we are nuts? I have two great son's/ grandchildren and there is a void within me. I can't for the life of me find a way to accept what my son is. I have stop enabling and listening to his emotional blackmail. Last time we talked it was sorta of a unspoken message that he will never get a dime from me again. He knows I love him and I keep wishing him the best. But it's funny it feels fake? I'm not sure what I am feeling, but I am not liking his control even if he is not around. Well today I don't like it.
Some days are ok but lately I have become cranky! lolol.. imagine that no sleep I guess. :)
It's been awhile since I've posted. I read everyone's everyday to make sure everyone is ok. Maybe just venting on here will help a bit.
Thank you guys for always being there, xxx
Sue
Sue
I'm so sorry.....but I agree with you 100%. I have another son and grand children but I have an
Empty place in my heart. Zach is doing awful and living with awful people.
Some days I'm fine but sometimes I cry for hours. I feel like I'm mourning my son.
This really sucks. My fiances son graduated from the Navy and he is 19.....my son is almost 22
And has nothing to show. Breaks my heart!!! Sometimes I get angry when I see friends kids going to nursing school or doing great things. Why our kids??? Ok Sue I'm sorry for venting but I'm feeling the same as you right now.
Keep your head up
Hugs and Prayers
Paula
I'm so sorry.....but I agree with you 100%. I have another son and grand children but I have an
Empty place in my heart. Zach is doing awful and living with awful people.
Some days I'm fine but sometimes I cry for hours. I feel like I'm mourning my son.
This really sucks. My fiances son graduated from the Navy and he is 19.....my son is almost 22
And has nothing to show. Breaks my heart!!! Sometimes I get angry when I see friends kids going to nursing school or doing great things. Why our kids??? Ok Sue I'm sorry for venting but I'm feeling the same as you right now.
Keep your head up
Hugs and Prayers
Paula
Dear Sue, I'm sorry your going through a sad time just now. I think we all get to those times. I know I do too. Im sure he will call you soon. Time in his world isn't like time in ours. His time goes by slowly and in ours the world rushes by so quickly. So that's the baby finally here. Congratulations grandma! I understand it's a bittersweet time for you. Your boys and the baby around and J not. I don't think there's many who wouldn't understand how you feel. If your getting where your not sleeping though, you should think about seeing the doctor. I think if anything was wrong with J you would have heard something by now. Isn't it terrible we have to think like that. Remember we all have our own guardian angel looking over us and J has one too that will keep him from harm. Take care Sue. Your in my prayers. ((Hugs)) Mary
Sue,
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. You are allowed to feel what you feel. The reason you feel this void is because there is one. We can accept that our kids are addicts and may never change their ways but it doesn't mean that we like it or that we aren't sad about it. I know that feeling of wanting them to call so we know they're ok and then not wanting them to call because of the fear that the same old stuff will start again.
We're all here for you to vent to whenever you need to.
Hugs and love to you!
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. You are allowed to feel what you feel. The reason you feel this void is because there is one. We can accept that our kids are addicts and may never change their ways but it doesn't mean that we like it or that we aren't sad about it. I know that feeling of wanting them to call so we know they're ok and then not wanting them to call because of the fear that the same old stuff will start again.
We're all here for you to vent to whenever you need to.
Hugs and love to you!
Sue--
Your feelings are oh so very normal under the circumstances. I think us moms have had such a special spot in our hearts for our kids for so long and it is called "the hope spot". Then when they leave that spot and become addicts we have a void in our hearts. We want to keep that spot filled with hope for them, but we also see the dark empty spot where they once were and we fear it will never get filled again!
I know our situations are very similar and I think about my son everyday and wonder if he will ever give me "hope" again. He is so old now and been an addict for so long his chances are getting dimmer all the time. I keep that spot in my heart open for him, but doing that causes me to feel like you described and it hurts. So many times over the past years I have just wanted to run and not stop, scream and not stop, and cry out "why God--why ?" Then He gives me little glimmers of hope and answers. I know He is there and He is guiding me! I just have to keep trusting Him and have faith in His plan for my Chris.
Just take each day and let God have him because there is a plan for our son's lives and we aren't able to change that plan--only ourselves. When we finally reach that point we can enjoy life again, breathe, and sleep. God's plan for us is to stay strong and take care of ourselves!
I think we will always miss what could have been and that is normal as well. When the "empty spot" days come we have to just let them pass and move on to the next day. Venting, posting, screaming or whatever works--just do it and then let it go and move on.
You are a good mom and you have been such a help to me and others on this forum!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Your feelings are oh so very normal under the circumstances. I think us moms have had such a special spot in our hearts for our kids for so long and it is called "the hope spot". Then when they leave that spot and become addicts we have a void in our hearts. We want to keep that spot filled with hope for them, but we also see the dark empty spot where they once were and we fear it will never get filled again!
I know our situations are very similar and I think about my son everyday and wonder if he will ever give me "hope" again. He is so old now and been an addict for so long his chances are getting dimmer all the time. I keep that spot in my heart open for him, but doing that causes me to feel like you described and it hurts. So many times over the past years I have just wanted to run and not stop, scream and not stop, and cry out "why God--why ?" Then He gives me little glimmers of hope and answers. I know He is there and He is guiding me! I just have to keep trusting Him and have faith in His plan for my Chris.
Just take each day and let God have him because there is a plan for our son's lives and we aren't able to change that plan--only ourselves. When we finally reach that point we can enjoy life again, breathe, and sleep. God's plan for us is to stay strong and take care of ourselves!
I think we will always miss what could have been and that is normal as well. When the "empty spot" days come we have to just let them pass and move on to the next day. Venting, posting, screaming or whatever works--just do it and then let it go and move on.
You are a good mom and you have been such a help to me and others on this forum!
(((HUGS))) Lori
usually when we are not calling means we are fine and when we do call well you know we want something , so sorry Sue for what you are going trough, its so tough place to be!
I know the pain you are feeling. We try to enjoy things, but the emptiness is always there. It's not that we love our other children any less, it's just that we want our addict children to experience what our other children get to experience. Try to keep the faith. Recovery can happen at any time. We can only ride the roller coaster if we decide to. It's hard to get off, but if we want to survive, we need to do that for ourselves and our families. It will hopefully help our addicts too. That's where I am at the moment. I am trying to get off the roller coaster, but I am afraid of losing my daughter. #keepthefaith
You girls are so good for my moral. You are right I want him to experience the joys of buying a new house, having children. A Normal life but it will never happen and it hurts. Which is terrible because the drugs have taking such a hold on our children that they don't know any different.
The blame game is so old now , Lori same with me. J in 36 he is been an addict most of his life and at this point will always be an addict. Recovery? hmm doubt it but if he can at least take care of himself even if he is living in dumps and working. As long as he is not hurting or robbing people I will have to live with it.
I just wish he was part of my family not just part of my memories.
love you all!! Guess got the blues with the beautiful grandbaby xx
The blame game is so old now , Lori same with me. J in 36 he is been an addict most of his life and at this point will always be an addict. Recovery? hmm doubt it but if he can at least take care of himself even if he is living in dumps and working. As long as he is not hurting or robbing people I will have to live with it.
I just wish he was part of my family not just part of my memories.
love you all!! Guess got the blues with the beautiful grandbaby xx
Hi Sue,
I read your post a few hours ago and have been pondering your thoughts and the heartfelt responses that you've received.
I know how I feel about my boys - they are always like little kids to me. I keep some of their school photos near by and reminisce about those days. I'm thinking that is how you remember your son. You've been through a lot with him. I'm hoping that since you have detached, he's figuring things out on his own, like Lori's son recently did. That would be a gift.
Congratulations on the new grand baby!
Please take care.
I read your post a few hours ago and have been pondering your thoughts and the heartfelt responses that you've received.
I know how I feel about my boys - they are always like little kids to me. I keep some of their school photos near by and reminisce about those days. I'm thinking that is how you remember your son. You've been through a lot with him. I'm hoping that since you have detached, he's figuring things out on his own, like Lori's son recently did. That would be a gift.
Congratulations on the new grand baby!
Please take care.
Hi Sue, Thinking of you today and hoping your feeling a little better! Mary.
A bit Mary thanks for checking. I think it was because his little brother just had a baby and he wasn't part of the family. Funny he really has been part of the family since his teens, I've been delusional haha.
I've slept better, just needed to vent a bit and once I got it off my chest I calmed down.
Hope all is well with you xxx
I've slept better, just needed to vent a bit and once I got it off my chest I calmed down.
Hope all is well with you xxx
Sue........Glad your feeling a little better.. Sometimes just being able to talk to someone who is going through the same thing helps. I've found an area where people write poems expressing their feelings about all sorts of stuff. I especially read the ones from people fighting drug addiction and also from mothers like us that have kids addicted. They write telling you how its helped them just by writing their feelings down. I quite believe it! Maybe we should give it a try ourselves. It may help release all the pent up hurt we have in our hearts. I know nothing much about poetry but maybe there's something more to this. Well you hang in there Sue!! What's the new babies name? Is it a cute name? Take care, Mary (((Big Hug)))
Kaydence, Full head of black hair touching her shoulders!! and deep gray eyes which I hope she keeps.
It does help Mary to write things down and once in a while I need to do that on here. xxx
God Bless you and the girls for just being here and giving that pep talk or KICK IN BACKSIDE hahaha!!! xxx
It does help Mary to write things down and once in a while I need to do that on here. xxx
God Bless you and the girls for just being here and giving that pep talk or KICK IN BACKSIDE hahaha!!! xxx
Hey Sue, That's a beautiful name. I've never heard that before, but very pretty! She sounds a little cutie too! ((Hugs)) Mary
