Hi everyone,
I am two days clean. Before that I had a period of six days but relapsed.
Smoked from the age of 14 to the age of 30 which is right now. I began to get concerned about health issues and switched to vaporization of the cannabis which seemed to be healthier but apparently not. Up until now, marijuana was my best friend. I absolutely LOVED everything about it. Here is my story.
About a month ago I developed a stuck lump type thing in my esophagus area. General doctor thinks anxiety. ENT thinks reflux related issues. I am now on Prozac, Xanax and Prevacid for almost one month but no relief yet. This thing is always there. And using whether smoking or vaporizing the weed seems to make it worse so I reluctantly quit.
I am terrified I have cancer because I smoked, toked and drank heavily for 15 years. No one is taking me seriously because I'm a 30 year old female with an anxiety disorder. I have followup appointments in mid July but I don't know if I can make it until then. I am terrified.
I am really scared that I've "doomed" myself from the 15 years of substance abuse, that there's nothing I can do and that I'm waiting for my death sentence. As I type this I can feel that stupid lump in my esophagus and I can't take it anymore.
I miss marijuana. I really do. However I know I can't have any because of this issue. I am so scared. So very scared. I have no health insurance and very limited financial assistance through a local medical facility that only covers certain things and certain doctors.
I don't know why I'm posting here other than I'm depressed and scared and I miss marijuana but also am scared of it now because of this esophagus thing, I read that most people with esophageal cancer will be dead in a year...I am only 30 with two kids. I cry and pray "Please God" then I think how many people must have prayed 'Please God' before they died or were killed and what makes me so special that I'll be OK...I feel doomed I cannot describe how miserable I am.
I would do anything to take back my actions these last 15 years but I can't do that. My life is a nightmare. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Every minute is torment.
Angie
hi angie, i worry about esophageal cancer too. in fact i was worrying about it all day, even though i don't have any lumps, in the middle of a long dry period off pot i smoked tons of cigars, and of course i have smoked many tons of pot. i am now clean for almost a week and it feels so good to not have that monkey on my back.
Angie, deep breathes, you are skipping head to what? 'Nothing' at the current moment. You have just diagnosed yourself with terminal esophagus cancer.
When you have nothing supporting this. Try thinking this way, until a visit with specialist that will run many tests to prove one way or the other, why would you make yourself sick worrying and stressing out to the point of perhaps hysteria, when you have nothing in front of you that says otherwise?
This is called projecting, which I am and will always be working on to 'stop'. It can be the death of people if they let it.
The is the easiest and hardest thing to do, but each time you start thinking negative thoughts, quickly think of something pleasant, or think of anything else but the crap that is rolling through our heads.
You need to find that balance to where you have some peace in your mind, read a book, listen to music, go for walks, play with your kids like you are 10 yrs old again. Do something mindless that is fun.
Remember deep breathes. Inhale (deep breath) slowly hold for a count to 8-10 exhale slowly do about 10-20 of these or more each time you feel anxious.
You cant turn back time, what is done is done, you cant change a thing about it. Start today and days following to think about what you can do to be happy, have peace of mind instead of obsessing about cancer that you dont have.
I always liked the saying ' it is what it is', simple and to the point, in your case, 'it was what it was'. (operative word being 'was', past tense).
Keep talking about it, it helps bottled up 'whatevers' leave the nest so to speak.
When you have nothing supporting this. Try thinking this way, until a visit with specialist that will run many tests to prove one way or the other, why would you make yourself sick worrying and stressing out to the point of perhaps hysteria, when you have nothing in front of you that says otherwise?
This is called projecting, which I am and will always be working on to 'stop'. It can be the death of people if they let it.
The is the easiest and hardest thing to do, but each time you start thinking negative thoughts, quickly think of something pleasant, or think of anything else but the crap that is rolling through our heads.
You need to find that balance to where you have some peace in your mind, read a book, listen to music, go for walks, play with your kids like you are 10 yrs old again. Do something mindless that is fun.
Remember deep breathes. Inhale (deep breath) slowly hold for a count to 8-10 exhale slowly do about 10-20 of these or more each time you feel anxious.
You cant turn back time, what is done is done, you cant change a thing about it. Start today and days following to think about what you can do to be happy, have peace of mind instead of obsessing about cancer that you dont have.
I always liked the saying ' it is what it is', simple and to the point, in your case, 'it was what it was'. (operative word being 'was', past tense).
Keep talking about it, it helps bottled up 'whatevers' leave the nest so to speak.
Thank you Brooke,
Your post really helps. It is pretty ridiculous to diagnose myself with terminal cancer. I am seeing my ENT doc for a followup July 15 and I will talk to him about my fears at that time. Until then, I am going to try to live day by day, moment to moment and avoid pessimistic thinking.
I am going to follow your advice and distract myself from these thoughts. I know that think type of thinking can make things worse I struggle with it every day.
Thank You,
Angela
Your post really helps. It is pretty ridiculous to diagnose myself with terminal cancer. I am seeing my ENT doc for a followup July 15 and I will talk to him about my fears at that time. Until then, I am going to try to live day by day, moment to moment and avoid pessimistic thinking.
I am going to follow your advice and distract myself from these thoughts. I know that think type of thinking can make things worse I struggle with it every day.
Thank You,
Angela
Angie,
I hate to burst your bubble, but I had cancer of th tongue due to smoking pot. Had part of my tongue removed (not enough to give me a lisp or speech impediment, THANK THE GODDESS!). Everyone said, "It's not cancer," until I went for a biopsy. The rest is history. When you do go a doc, be honest about smoking pot - don't say cigarettes - b/c the two have different profiles.
Now, on to my story- I continued to smoke for ten more years, Yeah, it was my best friend, too. I finally smoked one night then looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Vicki, you will either continue to smoke and lose your entire tongue, succumb to disfiguring oral cancer and die a horrible death, or you will stop. For some reason, I finally got it, and stopped. I only have 65 days or so, but it is worth it.
I saw you posted on the alcohol board. Haven't read that post yet, but remember that alcohol is right up there with smoking in causing cancer.
You are off to the right start. Quit. Love and lots of feel-good hugs. You can do it. We all know what you are going thru.
I hate to burst your bubble, but I had cancer of th tongue due to smoking pot. Had part of my tongue removed (not enough to give me a lisp or speech impediment, THANK THE GODDESS!). Everyone said, "It's not cancer," until I went for a biopsy. The rest is history. When you do go a doc, be honest about smoking pot - don't say cigarettes - b/c the two have different profiles.
Now, on to my story- I continued to smoke for ten more years, Yeah, it was my best friend, too. I finally smoked one night then looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Vicki, you will either continue to smoke and lose your entire tongue, succumb to disfiguring oral cancer and die a horrible death, or you will stop. For some reason, I finally got it, and stopped. I only have 65 days or so, but it is worth it.
I saw you posted on the alcohol board. Haven't read that post yet, but remember that alcohol is right up there with smoking in causing cancer.
You are off to the right start. Quit. Love and lots of feel-good hugs. You can do it. We all know what you are going thru.
hi girls, i'm with you, i have a week clean. feels so good.
but...i have a funny pain in the front of my neck and i worry, i have smoked many pounds in my life. it's 5:44am, and it feels good not to HAVE to run right out the door for a smoke, going for a run instead.
but...i have a funny pain in the front of my neck and i worry, i have smoked many pounds in my life. it's 5:44am, and it feels good not to HAVE to run right out the door for a smoke, going for a run instead.
