OK- new stress on the scene.
Sandy ,now with her health bit more manageable is having ideas about moving back upstate NY (Saratoga area) to be with whats left of her family. She still has this woman issue that needs to be checked out. Themore she puts it off-thelonger she puts it off- - I fear things will get worse ,much worse- from what I know of her family history.
She just wont make an appointment with a gynecologist- I cant say I relate to the uncomfortable feeling this must bring, but at this point I believe she needs some definitive answers from a pro.
She of course is thinking the worst. She also thinks that maybe me & her after 15 years - this has become a relationship of convenience, and fear of being alone ,more than anything else. - The physical part is slowly disappearing( Hell ,we aint 25 no more)-
There have been more and more arguments about her 3 beers (plus) after work- this makes me crazy as her personality changes in ways she cant see - There is the issue of picking up after my 20 year old son. Which by by way , she is is totally correct about. Although a good kid .he is a bit of a slob. He also is asking to use our car more & more- which makes her crazy,as he has one in the driveway- uninsured.
As she approaches 50 & this change of life thing hits - I really try to be understanding, but at times it seems nothing I say is the right thing.
I told her that I dont want her to go, I would like she lay her grievances in the line with my kid. & OF COURSE SEE A FREAKIN DOCTOR.
:
All Ive been getting is "Im sick of this -working everyday" I have enuff in my 401K now- (Yeah but for how long//) - " I miss my sister in Albany"- I dont know if I love you anymore-even though your the best "
Confusing to say the least*- She seems pretty serious about taking her savings& moving back upstate- but I dont know if she,ll pull the trigger - it would be a big move/change for both of us,- I definitely aint going to upstate NY
Lately she seems like a different person than the one I have been with for all these years
My methadone use she says has nothing to do with it-and I believe her.-
I guess we will just ride it out and see what happens over the next few weeks
a bit confused & ranting
jack
Don't know what to say Jack except that I hope everything works out for the best for you. I left my husband (who was not an addict) when I was 36 after twelve and a half years of marriage. But if I'm honest, it wasn't that I'd fallen out of love with him. It was just that he had never been the right man for me and I'd been pretending to be someone else for so long. People accused me of having a mid-life crisis...well if that means reaching the middle (ish) of your life and thinking this is not how I want it to be then yeah I was having a mid-life crisis! Sounds like Sandy is having similar feelings, questionning everything in her life and re-evaluating, but that doesn't mean you can't be a part of the new life! You need to sit down together now and discuss and disucss and discuss. But I guess if she wants to move and you don't then you've got a big problem to overcome.
Just rambling on now and doubt I'm being helpful at all! Wishing you happiness, Maddy x
Just rambling on now and doubt I'm being helpful at all! Wishing you happiness, Maddy x
Jack,
The head isnt a pretty place with health issues looming about. Some of what you wrote of how she is acting makes perfect sense to me and yet to explain it out I am not sure I can.
But it sounds like she is running. What do you think is she running, avoiding? The relationship stuff is normal after time all couples lose some steam and it is easily rectifiable with it out in the open. I went through that when heroin walked in. It kind of strips a relationship to nothing but ships passing with hello and goodbye, a robotic playing of the day and nothing much physical. To find the way back took some work on both our parts but it wasnt hard work, and lots of fun ;) in many ways to rediscover some of what we lost.
There is also that pushing away to protect those we love the most in this worry for them having to watch whatever we are going through. Bad enough we feel the hurt and pain, to have those we love feel it as well, watch us..shown in arguments lots of times about the most stupidest of things, shown in this need to be someplace else.as if in time we would be able to find an appropriate place to say hey you know what you can watch me go through this pain. There isnt a place like this
I imagine youa re very furstrated as well as confused.
I am sorry Jack, when you have talked of Sandy it is obvious how much you care about her and how she fills your heart up. A lot of what I wrote about is based on what you have written here when sharing of how you feel for her.
When she talks, just listen, but that doesnt mean stop speaking. We must ask questions to know, but we don't always need to offer a way out, or advice. Hand holding works really good at certain times.
Not sure what you feel is there between the both of you but if worth itthen go for it however you can.
With drinking around, not good, not yours, you know that. Don't let it become a wedge between. I know it is hard to watch but there is no control there, set boundaries....With her putting off what she knows inside she needs to do for her ( yes she knows ) I cant help but wonder why. I am sure you are as well. Damn the drinking does make sense, more running....and more questions of why in my head.
Do you feel as if you are watching a contradiction?
I may have rambled here but it is just what hit my head the second I read your post.
I will keep good thought for you and Sandy. You hang tough.
Love,
Tina
The head isnt a pretty place with health issues looming about. Some of what you wrote of how she is acting makes perfect sense to me and yet to explain it out I am not sure I can.
But it sounds like she is running. What do you think is she running, avoiding? The relationship stuff is normal after time all couples lose some steam and it is easily rectifiable with it out in the open. I went through that when heroin walked in. It kind of strips a relationship to nothing but ships passing with hello and goodbye, a robotic playing of the day and nothing much physical. To find the way back took some work on both our parts but it wasnt hard work, and lots of fun ;) in many ways to rediscover some of what we lost.
There is also that pushing away to protect those we love the most in this worry for them having to watch whatever we are going through. Bad enough we feel the hurt and pain, to have those we love feel it as well, watch us..shown in arguments lots of times about the most stupidest of things, shown in this need to be someplace else.as if in time we would be able to find an appropriate place to say hey you know what you can watch me go through this pain. There isnt a place like this
I imagine youa re very furstrated as well as confused.
I am sorry Jack, when you have talked of Sandy it is obvious how much you care about her and how she fills your heart up. A lot of what I wrote about is based on what you have written here when sharing of how you feel for her.
When she talks, just listen, but that doesnt mean stop speaking. We must ask questions to know, but we don't always need to offer a way out, or advice. Hand holding works really good at certain times.
Not sure what you feel is there between the both of you but if worth itthen go for it however you can.
With drinking around, not good, not yours, you know that. Don't let it become a wedge between. I know it is hard to watch but there is no control there, set boundaries....With her putting off what she knows inside she needs to do for her ( yes she knows ) I cant help but wonder why. I am sure you are as well. Damn the drinking does make sense, more running....and more questions of why in my head.
Do you feel as if you are watching a contradiction?
I may have rambled here but it is just what hit my head the second I read your post.
I will keep good thought for you and Sandy. You hang tough.
Love,
Tina
oh jackie boy--your hart must be hurting right now--i know nada about relationships and im also 25 so dont know anything about the mid-life thing but i am a woman and bot oh boy we can be emotional rollercoasters which cause us to be flighty and indecisive alot all i can say is try to make the things she feels she need happen to the best of your ability without jeopardizing your own feelings and needs too much and show her as much love and understanding as you can--maybe suggest a trial seperatoion--let her go for a litle whuile i know i sure see my family through rose colored glasses when they are far away--maybe she needs a break she needs to feel taken care of for a little while--good luck and i sure wish i had such a caring gentle-man friend in my life such as yourselff--but theres plenty of time for that--good luck--keep your head high(and your pants zipped) LOL had to put that in there--half joking of course, i do know how men think sometimes--please dont take it the wrong way--you seeem to be a very caring and faithfull man
Sorry things are so hard right now, Jack. If Sandy already has some sort of female issue then going through the change would really be that much less tolerable. Could it be that she doesn't want to trouble you and is truly fearful of a negative outcome? It's clear you love her and the relationship and I sincerely hope it all goes the right way for you and that she sticks around. You sound like such a kind and sensitive man - she's lucky to have you; some guys just have no patience with this stuff. Weird to be reading this right now as I am sitting in a hotel room in downtown Saratoga Springs this very moment for the first time in 20 years.
~Hoping for the best~MomNMore
~Hoping for the best~MomNMore
Women I tell ya are a huge pain in the arse.
Naw, Jack.........I am so sorry...........but you are looking at it from every angle.
That's a good thing.
Jack, I don't even know what to tell you........but the fear of being alone thing.....even if she was to go back to Albany way.......she has her sister and you will always have your son........I just know it, but ultimately who do any of us have............US.
Got to say I am kind of in the same boat with my gentleman friend.......you kind of just grow complacent........get used to eachother.......one good thing for both of us is we aren't married...........not help there I know, but I'm feeling like the best is yet to come and not with him........although I know you love her so much.
The woman thing........that I'd say you are absolutely right about going to her Doctor........although she probably just has fear of so many things........what it will be what hasn't been........personally though well it ain't relevant now.......like not a ood time, but:
From me I can tell you a uterus ain't what makes ya a woman..........and well for me I never had that change because that hysterectomy thing was damn liberating..........ya can't get pregnant and well best thing I ever did........so that was insensitive...........I'm sorry........I can be an a*s....I am.
You got alot going on..........Sandy rocks though........I mean what the heck does any of us got up the road? Seriously?
Naw, Jack.........I am so sorry...........but you are looking at it from every angle.
That's a good thing.
Jack, I don't even know what to tell you........but the fear of being alone thing.....even if she was to go back to Albany way.......she has her sister and you will always have your son........I just know it, but ultimately who do any of us have............US.
Got to say I am kind of in the same boat with my gentleman friend.......you kind of just grow complacent........get used to eachother.......one good thing for both of us is we aren't married...........not help there I know, but I'm feeling like the best is yet to come and not with him........although I know you love her so much.
The woman thing........that I'd say you are absolutely right about going to her Doctor........although she probably just has fear of so many things........what it will be what hasn't been........personally though well it ain't relevant now.......like not a ood time, but:
From me I can tell you a uterus ain't what makes ya a woman..........and well for me I never had that change because that hysterectomy thing was damn liberating..........ya can't get pregnant and well best thing I ever did........so that was insensitive...........I'm sorry........I can be an a*s....I am.
You got alot going on..........Sandy rocks though........I mean what the heck does any of us got up the road? Seriously?
"Lately she seems like a different person than the one I have been with for all these years"
Jack,
don't really post anymore but this particular copied and pasted excerpt from your rantings..er...i mean ramblings caught my eye..
although Sandy might indeed say the same about you...okay...now it gets a little heavy....what if you said "Lately I seem like a different person than the one I have been with for all these years!"
Cha Cha to that tune young man
luv MARY
Jack,
don't really post anymore but this particular copied and pasted excerpt from your rantings..er...i mean ramblings caught my eye..
although Sandy might indeed say the same about you...okay...now it gets a little heavy....what if you said "Lately I seem like a different person than the one I have been with for all these years!"
Cha Cha to that tune young man
luv MARY
Darn geesh...... Jack that's not a good place to be in at all. I totally suck at relationship myself I really aint the one to go giving advice. It's crazy hard for me to live with someone. I can relate a lil to the not wanting to see he gyno I know i have cervical dysplasia which may at some point turn into a invasive cancer. I am to see the doc every 4 months I've not been to see him in like 6 months. I already had a colonoscopy and cervical biospy I know at some point they may do a Hysterectomy. I don't wanna deal with it. I'm known for sure to start drinking a few beers a night when i really don't want to deal with stuff and i'm known to push away people to try to be alone, drunk, and stubborn. It sucks i'm sure that was not helpful at all to you. People say when someone pushes you away they need you the most but, for me when i'm pushing someone away i really don't want to deal with anyone anything i get overwhelmed pretty easy.
Jack,
LOts of help we are right?
Hope ya are making some progress talking it out.
Yo, there's some new show I keep seeing the commercial for. Supposed "Blue Collar Comedy".........andyway the guy is saying "After we used to get done making love we did it again. Now when we're done we go GREAT Law& Order is on"............maybe not funny to anyone else.......cracked me the heck up.
Ultimately change happens to all of us right..........but in a female sense of the change that all different as well and BTW honestly Zero Girl, and Sandy too....ain't nuttin but a chicken wing.........."See ya later to something is a pain since you're like eleven".........and you don't have to go through all that other change "stuff"..........you're brand spanking new, girls..
Better days, Jack.
LOts of help we are right?
Hope ya are making some progress talking it out.
Yo, there's some new show I keep seeing the commercial for. Supposed "Blue Collar Comedy".........andyway the guy is saying "After we used to get done making love we did it again. Now when we're done we go GREAT Law& Order is on"............maybe not funny to anyone else.......cracked me the heck up.
Ultimately change happens to all of us right..........but in a female sense of the change that all different as well and BTW honestly Zero Girl, and Sandy too....ain't nuttin but a chicken wing.........."See ya later to something is a pain since you're like eleven".........and you don't have to go through all that other change "stuff"..........you're brand spanking new, girls..
Better days, Jack.
Dear lovely Jack, I don't know what to tell you, but I do know that you will come through this. We are here for you,( not much of a consilation !.)
Take care.
Karen
Take care.
Karen
Sandy called her sister- put in a 2 week notice - is emptying her 401 K - (she Says I deserve 1/2- about 10 grand- -
She is leaving for Albany in a few weeks. I dont even know what to do or think here.
This is happening too fast. I gotta go- - thanks for the support- Ill keep you guys informed. I guess "it aint over till its over" - - she is depressed though and seems like this is the way she wants to go
15 years - -I dont know-
I get back later- - we have LOTS of talking ahead of us before this move really goes down.
jeesuzzz,
Its always something
jack
She is leaving for Albany in a few weeks. I dont even know what to do or think here.
This is happening too fast. I gotta go- - thanks for the support- Ill keep you guys informed. I guess "it aint over till its over" - - she is depressed though and seems like this is the way she wants to go
15 years - -I dont know-
I get back later- - we have LOTS of talking ahead of us before this move really goes down.
jeesuzzz,
Its always something
jack
Jack, I know I'm not one of your regular posting circle, but I do read your posts and find a lot of positive feelings in them, so I wanted to reply again. I'm so sorry that this is happening - to both of you. That feeling of being on a runaway train is so overwhelming. Hope things can be turned around. I'll be thinking of you.
~MomNMore
~MomNMore
Jack,
I don't know if this helps but once the hormone things kick in your rightshe isn't the same person and everything you do will be wrong and nothing she will do will be logical. Mostly women get through this because unlike your lady they don't have a big wodge of money to go away with. If most women had then they would go away too.
I'm feeling someway like that - I love the man some days on other days he is the cause of everything wrong from 3rd world debt to chewing gum being dropped on pavements. Some nights he says lets toss a coin heads you like me tails you hate me because it is that crazy.
Add in her health worries and maybe the methadone does play in there somewhere just because it's there. It is going fast but maybe she can't rationalise where she is now. Stay calm keep telling her you love her that she has to do whatever she has to do and you'll be there - 15 good years doesn't get thrown away that easily.
I know this is really crazy but once again you have to be the strong one who knows what is in her head maybe she is thinking if her health is bad she doesn't want you to watch her being sick as I said all logic goes out of the window.
love
karen
x
I don't know if this helps but once the hormone things kick in your rightshe isn't the same person and everything you do will be wrong and nothing she will do will be logical. Mostly women get through this because unlike your lady they don't have a big wodge of money to go away with. If most women had then they would go away too.
I'm feeling someway like that - I love the man some days on other days he is the cause of everything wrong from 3rd world debt to chewing gum being dropped on pavements. Some nights he says lets toss a coin heads you like me tails you hate me because it is that crazy.
Add in her health worries and maybe the methadone does play in there somewhere just because it's there. It is going fast but maybe she can't rationalise where she is now. Stay calm keep telling her you love her that she has to do whatever she has to do and you'll be there - 15 good years doesn't get thrown away that easily.
I know this is really crazy but once again you have to be the strong one who knows what is in her head maybe she is thinking if her health is bad she doesn't want you to watch her being sick as I said all logic goes out of the window.
love
karen
x
Man, Jack.........I don't know.........what the heck?
Hope you two are talking...........I'm sorry and like ya said "It ain't over till it's over".
So much more to it it has to be.........who wants what and how can one give it....and I don't even know.........it is so fast too.
How far from Albany are ya right now?
I don't even know what to say or give any better advice than the ladies.
Hope you two are talking...........I'm sorry and like ya said "It ain't over till it's over".
So much more to it it has to be.........who wants what and how can one give it....and I don't even know.........it is so fast too.
How far from Albany are ya right now?
I don't even know what to say or give any better advice than the ladies.
Well , Sandy went to Albany to try and set things up for when she goes up there for good in 2 weeks. (So she says)-
-she,ll be back Monday
I called her sister ,to ask for a little help. Maybe her sister can talk to her . She is a few years older than Sandy and a little wiser.
She did quit her job, so that it for real- - she has less than 2 weeks of employment down here.
I dont know , I dont want to hold her back- - but I dont think she is really thinking this out. I mean we have a 15 year history. I,m bumming & confused.
I think she is too. I dont get it.
like I said Ill keep you guys informed.- I really dont have anyone else to talk to about this .
thanks
jack
-she,ll be back Monday
I called her sister ,to ask for a little help. Maybe her sister can talk to her . She is a few years older than Sandy and a little wiser.
She did quit her job, so that it for real- - she has less than 2 weeks of employment down here.
I dont know , I dont want to hold her back- - but I dont think she is really thinking this out. I mean we have a 15 year history. I,m bumming & confused.
I think she is too. I dont get it.
like I said Ill keep you guys informed.- I really dont have anyone else to talk to about this .
thanks
jack
It's a very sad situation to be in. Don't know what to say. You seem to be dealing okay i know inside you must be totally torn. I left a 8 year relationship years ago "not close to a 15 year one" that was so hard for me. He said the same thing he thought i had not thought it thru. He said 8 years was too much to toss out. Really i loved him still do but, it was just not working for me. It was the hardest choice i ever made. It changed everything in my life.
..Jack..
..Same as mate,i dunno wot to say..just that wotever happens you try stay strong in yaself..Robbie..
..Same as mate,i dunno wot to say..just that wotever happens you try stay strong in yaself..Robbie..
J, It sounds like a poor choice on her part. She needs to stop running, I know its hard to be alone, but it may be for the best. The lonlieness will be hard, but may she will come back after time, and realize the need for treatment, employment, and how important you are to her. Also, the money from 401K mucho taxes must be paid (like %50) if she is not of age, You may have to let her go!
sorry!
sorry!
Dear Jack,
I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's so hard to understand.
I am a LOT like Sandy when it comes to doctors. I have this fear of finding out something is wrong so I'd rather bury my head in the sand. My mind tells me it's the wrong thing to do, but.... Anyway, I'm praying for the strength to do what I know I need to do. Maybe we should be doing the same for Sandy. Another thing is that people make such a fuss about my not going, that if and when I do they are not going to know about it until AFTER I do because I don't want them making a big fuss, making me talk about it and get more nervous. It's a POSSIBILITY that she may have already gone, knows the outcome, and wants to go home for help she might need. I'm just guessing here...giving some other perspectives. Also, she could have herself convinced (based on family history) that she is going to die in the near future and wants to spare you going through that. It also could well be that her hormones have her on a emotional rollar coaster and she's trying to find some stability. Who knows?
I will keep you both in my prayers. Wish I could do more.
Love,
Susan
I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's so hard to understand.
I am a LOT like Sandy when it comes to doctors. I have this fear of finding out something is wrong so I'd rather bury my head in the sand. My mind tells me it's the wrong thing to do, but.... Anyway, I'm praying for the strength to do what I know I need to do. Maybe we should be doing the same for Sandy. Another thing is that people make such a fuss about my not going, that if and when I do they are not going to know about it until AFTER I do because I don't want them making a big fuss, making me talk about it and get more nervous. It's a POSSIBILITY that she may have already gone, knows the outcome, and wants to go home for help she might need. I'm just guessing here...giving some other perspectives. Also, she could have herself convinced (based on family history) that she is going to die in the near future and wants to spare you going through that. It also could well be that her hormones have her on a emotional rollar coaster and she's trying to find some stability. Who knows?
I will keep you both in my prayers. Wish I could do more.
Love,
Susan
Jack,
Wow.
Maybe while she is up there she'll see it ain't where she should be. If it is where she is supposed to be then I don't know?
Hopefully, her sister will get more out of what's going on then perhaps even Sandy knows herself.
We got you here, Jack. We got you.
Wow.
Maybe while she is up there she'll see it ain't where she should be. If it is where she is supposed to be then I don't know?
Hopefully, her sister will get more out of what's going on then perhaps even Sandy knows herself.
We got you here, Jack. We got you.
