I'm just figuring out what addictive behaviors I have. Barely.
I'm hearing all, "You have to change everything"
I'm like, "What the hell does that mean?"
I'm a man, I can't change that.
I live here, I can't change that.
I like hamburgers, I can't change that.
I can't change everything, obviously, so I guess I'll change nothing.
Saying "You have to change everything." is like saying, "Everybody in this room is responsible for taking out this trash can."
The trash doesn't get taken out, and nobody is responsible!
But in taking a moral inventory, some things are coming to me. I'm still doing many of the things I did in my addiction.
I guess I'm doing just about everything I did in active addiction except take drugs and drink.
But I'm doing other things. I'm going to meetings a couple times a day. I'm reading the literature, I'm seeking an understanding of my God and praying to her. (It's not a he or she, but I don't like calling her it, so it's her.) Because women are more loving and nurturing, I believe, and my hp is all about love and understanding.
In taking a moral inventory, I found fear inside of me a couple weeks ago. Now I find massive resentments! Huge ones, and they started a few years before I started taking drugs...
When I first started the inventory, I wrote it out in fifteen minutes and that was that. I had no resentments toward anybody or anything! And no fears, either.
That was a month ago. I've gone back to step one and two and three, then back to two and three. then back to three, then on to four. Then back to two and three.
Then I'd do nothing for a week because the whole process is too painful.
Just today I got mad because I'm spending time defining my higher power and praying to her, and my regular friends either sorted that out long ago, or never sorted it out and never will, and what's more, they're fine with that! It doesn't drive them to addiction, or interfere with their vacation, or affect their golf game. I got mad that I'm different and have to do this extra work.
If I told them I was spending my time getting close with my higher power, they'd think I'd gone over the edge! Me getting strung out on Heroin is one thing, but defining God? I don't think so.
I was thinking that today, after a customer's dog bit me. The customer assured me he was a gentle dog. He was not. I was driving home bleeding after walking off the job. I'll never go back to that customer's house again! He lives like a pig anyway and I can't stand going in his backyard regardless of the mean dog! I don't like working for slobs; they usually don't appreciate the work I do and often can't afford it, I sometimes discover after the job is done.
I prayed on it and got the customer resentment out of my way, as I drove down the freeway entrance ramp, wiping the blood off my arm.
Then I discarded the reservation regarding my straight friends; this is my personal journey and none of their business anyway.
Besides, this huge resentment thing I discovered is intriguing. I want to get to the bottom of it. Or at least define it. Know it. So I can be prepared to share it and then disarm it in later steps. That's what we're here for, isn't it, folks?
I'm changing my sponsor also. He's too busy for me. I hold no resentment toward him, I hope he takes it as well as I am. lol
I hope we still can remain friends, I just am getting to the point where I need more interaction.
(I know, you people have been telling me that for like a month and a half)
I told you, I have to learn everything the hard way!
If you tell me the burner is hot, I'll believe it when I burn my hand. Or if you tell me Heroin is dangerous, I'll believe it when it almost kills me... then I'll just take pain pills. Till thirty-five years later, when I've forgotten the Heroin lesson... We know how that worked out.
I've already picked a new sponsor. I haven't asked him yet, but I hope he agrees to it. He's a dealer at the casino, so there goes that vice... lol
(I knew he looked familiar in the meeting)
Mark
P.S. I had to postpone the Colorado trip, but the San Diego trip is still on.
Todd, your post sounded really raw, but really honest. Stay in the present, and continue working that Program. It will take some time, but slowly, you will even out. One day, you if you continue on this path, you will realize that everything did change. In the meantime, take what you need, and leave the rest.
Hang in there,
August
Hang in there,
August
You sound so much like me in the beginning. I questioned everything and made it so much harder than it had to be.
Like August said, stay in the present. It's where you need to be.
Like August said, stay in the present. It's where you need to be.
Wow, lots of words on that last post of mine. I guess I really felt like writing last night!
I guess some things I do and think have changed. Mostly what I think. Maybe more than I know...
Now I question what's up with living in the moment? I hear that a lot.
In step 4 I have to think about the past. Painfully at times.
And I have to think about my schedule for today and tomorrow.
So what's up with living in the moment? How do you mean that, and why is it so important?
Mark
I guess some things I do and think have changed. Mostly what I think. Maybe more than I know...
Now I question what's up with living in the moment? I hear that a lot.
In step 4 I have to think about the past. Painfully at times.
And I have to think about my schedule for today and tomorrow.
So what's up with living in the moment? How do you mean that, and why is it so important?
Mark
Why are you doing a 4th step without a sponsor? All your questions are reasonable but you need a sponsor to ask not a forum. Face to face is the best way to go. Did you ask the new sponsor to sponsor you yet?
No.
I'll ask whoever I want
Mark, having a sponsor is important. Steps 2 and 3 tend to be very personal, but step 4 is where we get into action and we need someone to help us with that. We are the ones who have to take inventory, but it can help to get the assistance of someone who has already done one.
If you wait for the perfect sponsor to appear, you will be waiting a long time. Sounds like you had some struggle with the last sponsor over Step 2, and it might be best to find someone else, but really the only requirements are:
1. One year or more of continuous sobriety.
2. Has worked the steps with a sponsor.
3. Same gender--no 13th stepping.
As for living in the present, most addicts tend to bounce between resentments, remorse and romancing the past, and either procrastinating until a tomorrow that never arrives or future tripping over all manner of hypothetical outcomes.
We addicts tend to only live in the now while we are using. We have to learn to spend most if not all our time in the now. Even planning for tomorrow is something we have to do today.
One way to look at it is that the past is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is God's gift to us and our gift to God. That is why is is called the Present.
BTW, I loved your idea of calling God by the feminine gender. One person I know calls her HP "Grace." Good stuff. It demonstrates some maturity in your spirituality.
Hope this helps. Keep asking questions. Oh, and a good way to stay in the present today might be to ask 5 people to be your sponsor before midnight.
Hang in there, you are doing great!
August
If you wait for the perfect sponsor to appear, you will be waiting a long time. Sounds like you had some struggle with the last sponsor over Step 2, and it might be best to find someone else, but really the only requirements are:
1. One year or more of continuous sobriety.
2. Has worked the steps with a sponsor.
3. Same gender--no 13th stepping.
As for living in the present, most addicts tend to bounce between resentments, remorse and romancing the past, and either procrastinating until a tomorrow that never arrives or future tripping over all manner of hypothetical outcomes.
We addicts tend to only live in the now while we are using. We have to learn to spend most if not all our time in the now. Even planning for tomorrow is something we have to do today.
One way to look at it is that the past is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is God's gift to us and our gift to God. That is why is is called the Present.
BTW, I loved your idea of calling God by the feminine gender. One person I know calls her HP "Grace." Good stuff. It demonstrates some maturity in your spirituality.
Hope this helps. Keep asking questions. Oh, and a good way to stay in the present today might be to ask 5 people to be your sponsor before midnight.
Hang in there, you are doing great!
August
You can ask whomever you want but I think what Kat was trying to say that if you want the best outcome, ask a sponsor. As addicts we like to be in control and as long as I stayed in control and fought against suggestions that had worked for millions of people, I stayed stuck. I couldn't get past myself. When I found a sponsor and worked the steps the way they were intended, things started to make sense. I didn't have to ask August so many questions and drive him nuts (although he would have kept answering me forever, gladly).
One thing that I learned about myself was that my ego was HUGE while I was using. No one could tell me anything. It wasn't until I let go absolutely (still struggle with that one) and was willing, did things start to happen. I found peace and serenity.
You have come so far and it's been such a pleasure to read about your journey. Keep asking those questions...but maybe asking a sponsor in addition to us will help you more. Giving control to someone else is a scary thing and I think much more so for men but until you start sharing with someone face to face, you will struggle with this. It's just the way it is.
One thing that I learned about myself was that my ego was HUGE while I was using. No one could tell me anything. It wasn't until I let go absolutely (still struggle with that one) and was willing, did things start to happen. I found peace and serenity.
You have come so far and it's been such a pleasure to read about your journey. Keep asking those questions...but maybe asking a sponsor in addition to us will help you more. Giving control to someone else is a scary thing and I think much more so for men but until you start sharing with someone face to face, you will struggle with this. It's just the way it is.
Thanks for that, August. You too, Lisa. Kat's post that started out "why are you...." just hit me wrong. I'm a big boy, Kat. I'm emotionally immature, but I put my big boy undies on this morning. But I appreciate your suggestions.
I feel like I'm working my program to the best of my ability.
I CURRENTLY HAVE A SPONSOR. I'm going to change sponsors. Simple concept.
Additionally, I just now returned from a city near here where I twelve stepped a woman and took her to an AA meeting. She was well received, shared, picked up her 24 hour chip, met some women and got numbers. She thanked me and promised she'll continue to attend meetings. I dropped her off at her house and came home like a good boy.
I made arrangements to go visit with a particularly open minded Catholic Priest at his house this weekend. He's not in the program, but I understand he is familiar with 12 step programs and he heartily approves.
I intend to be very honest with him and I'm sure he will be with me. Priests are very spiritual as a rule, so I'm looking forward to the conversation. I warned him if he hits me over the head with Catholic dogma, I'll recoil. He laughed.
Actually, I met him at a large party about a year ago. I didn't know he was a priest at the time, just that he had a cross hanging around his neck. We stood on the patio and chatted for a while.
My sister told me later that he was a priest.
If you read the big book, I could do a fourth step and fifth step with him!
I don't intend to do that. I intend to do that with my sponsor...
But I'm excited to compare notes with a man of the cloth! At the very least, he should be able to articulate his concept of his higher power. I hope he isn't offended that mine's a she. lol
Just this instant I got a text from an unknown number that God is going to fix two big things tonight in my favor. I swear. Spooky, huh? How in the world could anyone know what I'm typing about right now???
With that, I'll close.
M.
I feel like I'm working my program to the best of my ability.
I CURRENTLY HAVE A SPONSOR. I'm going to change sponsors. Simple concept.
Additionally, I just now returned from a city near here where I twelve stepped a woman and took her to an AA meeting. She was well received, shared, picked up her 24 hour chip, met some women and got numbers. She thanked me and promised she'll continue to attend meetings. I dropped her off at her house and came home like a good boy.
I made arrangements to go visit with a particularly open minded Catholic Priest at his house this weekend. He's not in the program, but I understand he is familiar with 12 step programs and he heartily approves.
I intend to be very honest with him and I'm sure he will be with me. Priests are very spiritual as a rule, so I'm looking forward to the conversation. I warned him if he hits me over the head with Catholic dogma, I'll recoil. He laughed.
Actually, I met him at a large party about a year ago. I didn't know he was a priest at the time, just that he had a cross hanging around his neck. We stood on the patio and chatted for a while.
My sister told me later that he was a priest.
If you read the big book, I could do a fourth step and fifth step with him!
I don't intend to do that. I intend to do that with my sponsor...
But I'm excited to compare notes with a man of the cloth! At the very least, he should be able to articulate his concept of his higher power. I hope he isn't offended that mine's a she. lol
Just this instant I got a text from an unknown number that God is going to fix two big things tonight in my favor. I swear. Spooky, huh? How in the world could anyone know what I'm typing about right now???
With that, I'll close.
M.
Hey Mark,
As always thanks for the posts.
One thing I have found to be really helpful in rebuilding my relationship with God is this. BABY STEPS. Remember we did not become addicted in one day so easy does it.
I was rushing around trying to get everything done, to get well , if you will. In hindsight, I guess what I was feeling at that time was, I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted people to respect me and I was waiting for that moment, I wanted validation
I have found That Moment is every moment I'm clean, regardless if I perceive it positively or negativity. For me There as yet to be a burning bush moment, but a steady drip of Love as needed Usually revealed upon reflection.
I also found that the approval I had always searched for from others could never sustain me. But the approval I find withing myself. The validation I needed I found can only be satisfied internally.
Like back when I flushed my last 3 Norco's. I felt great. I was validated. No one applauded, but I knew. and God rejoiced. For me it's a series of small battles, Not one giant explosion.
I heard at a meeting once this cat said. You know "I'm not here trying to win a popularity contest". This might possible be the deepest thing I have ever heard. While I live an area without meetings, this statement when evaluated still kicks me in the head.
Anyway, On pg 28 of the NA basic text (step 4) it says.
"We allow ourselves the privilege of feeling good about what we are doing."
Now I ask myself "what's the rush". You have done alot, you have earned the privilege, this day will never come again, these 24 hours will be filled with so much, If I focus on every interaction taking nothing for granted I will be simply overwhelmed by the greatness of the day.
You are living the Good Life, This is Recovery, The mission for me anyways is can I recognize it?
Have Fun
As always thanks for the posts.
One thing I have found to be really helpful in rebuilding my relationship with God is this. BABY STEPS. Remember we did not become addicted in one day so easy does it.
I was rushing around trying to get everything done, to get well , if you will. In hindsight, I guess what I was feeling at that time was, I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted people to respect me and I was waiting for that moment, I wanted validation
I have found That Moment is every moment I'm clean, regardless if I perceive it positively or negativity. For me There as yet to be a burning bush moment, but a steady drip of Love as needed Usually revealed upon reflection.
I also found that the approval I had always searched for from others could never sustain me. But the approval I find withing myself. The validation I needed I found can only be satisfied internally.
Like back when I flushed my last 3 Norco's. I felt great. I was validated. No one applauded, but I knew. and God rejoiced. For me it's a series of small battles, Not one giant explosion.
I heard at a meeting once this cat said. You know "I'm not here trying to win a popularity contest". This might possible be the deepest thing I have ever heard. While I live an area without meetings, this statement when evaluated still kicks me in the head.
Anyway, On pg 28 of the NA basic text (step 4) it says.
"We allow ourselves the privilege of feeling good about what we are doing."
Now I ask myself "what's the rush". You have done alot, you have earned the privilege, this day will never come again, these 24 hours will be filled with so much, If I focus on every interaction taking nothing for granted I will be simply overwhelmed by the greatness of the day.
You are living the Good Life, This is Recovery, The mission for me anyways is can I recognize it?
Have Fun
There is something very satisfying to know that I was at the gates of hell and made it back. It's not a perfect place but it's a very good one. Things got much better when I stopped trying to figure everything out. I became much better able to accept myself.
It's great you're meeting with a priest to talk. Confession is good for the soul. I am meeting with my sponser tonight for some of the same.
Great post Deadhead.
It's great you're meeting with a priest to talk. Confession is good for the soul. I am meeting with my sponser tonight for some of the same.
Great post Deadhead.
Mark, I think it is a great idea to visit a priest to discuss the steps. As you point out, reliance on our professional spiritual advisers is discussed in the Big Book and is dead on within the realm of a good program.
I will add, that many people struggle for years attempting to reconcile the religion of their youth to something that makes sense for them in their adult lives. I think you are way ahead of the game to look to your Catholic faith for spiritual guidance as well as perhaps someone to hear your fifth step.
It very clear to me that you are seeking a life of rigorous honesty, and your desire to stay clean shines through each and every post. This forum is a poor substitute for a serious recovery program, but I am here to help where I can, whether in the form of offering encouragement or answering questions. It is on you to do the foot work, and from what I can see, you are doing plenty of footwork.
We are all human and we all have good days and bad days. Sometimes the thing we need to hear comes from the least likely source, so look for the message and seek compassion for those whom might rub you the wrong way a little bit.
Thanks for taking the time to share your journey with us. Keep on trudgin.
August
I will add, that many people struggle for years attempting to reconcile the religion of their youth to something that makes sense for them in their adult lives. I think you are way ahead of the game to look to your Catholic faith for spiritual guidance as well as perhaps someone to hear your fifth step.
It very clear to me that you are seeking a life of rigorous honesty, and your desire to stay clean shines through each and every post. This forum is a poor substitute for a serious recovery program, but I am here to help where I can, whether in the form of offering encouragement or answering questions. It is on you to do the foot work, and from what I can see, you are doing plenty of footwork.
We are all human and we all have good days and bad days. Sometimes the thing we need to hear comes from the least likely source, so look for the message and seek compassion for those whom might rub you the wrong way a little bit.
Thanks for taking the time to share your journey with us. Keep on trudgin.
August
I'll ask whoever I want LOL
Good for you Mark.That's what I like seeing.I see a lot of the same questions I had.And for the record,you never said you were working your 4th step yet.You came to the conclusion that you had to have a different sponsor and I think that's growth on your part.
This forum is for asking questions and getting feedback.It is not a replacement for F2F recovery and I don't think you ever suggested that.
Keep up the good work.
Good for you Mark.That's what I like seeing.I see a lot of the same questions I had.And for the record,you never said you were working your 4th step yet.You came to the conclusion that you had to have a different sponsor and I think that's growth on your part.
This forum is for asking questions and getting feedback.It is not a replacement for F2F recovery and I don't think you ever suggested that.
Keep up the good work.
Sometimes the thing we need to hear comes from the least likely source, so look for the message
Absolutely~! That's part of the principles before personalities part of the program and what I've found works for me, is if *you* piss me off then you said something that I really needed to hear and work on because other people do not have the power to piss me off if I'm in fit spiritual condition....
Oh and what I found worked for me with finding a sponsor was to quit picking who I wanted and to pray to my HP, God to put the person he best thought would be a good sponsor for me in my life and that prayer was answered tenfold when he put my sponsor in my life......See, early in sobriety, I had no clue as my picker was broken and I kept picking ladies I wanted as a friend rather than looking at the program they worked inside and outside the rooms....
Take care~
Stacey
Absolutely~! That's part of the principles before personalities part of the program and what I've found works for me, is if *you* piss me off then you said something that I really needed to hear and work on because other people do not have the power to piss me off if I'm in fit spiritual condition....
Oh and what I found worked for me with finding a sponsor was to quit picking who I wanted and to pray to my HP, God to put the person he best thought would be a good sponsor for me in my life and that prayer was answered tenfold when he put my sponsor in my life......See, early in sobriety, I had no clue as my picker was broken and I kept picking ladies I wanted as a friend rather than looking at the program they worked inside and outside the rooms....
Take care~
Stacey
I missed the part where you already have a sponsor, sorry about that Mark. So, you are looking for a new one? What's wrong with the one you have?
The sponsor I have is too busy to spend much time with me. I need more interaction now that I'm on step 4.
I found a new sponsor, but the number I have for him is not working, so I need to meet him at a meeting again.
If I don't, I'll find another one.
M
I found a new sponsor, but the number I have for him is not working, so I need to meet him at a meeting again.
If I don't, I'll find another one.
M
Phil called today. He got his blood work done... He's ordering his cyp today and wanted to know if I wanted any.
I told him no. I asked if he's gonna be stacking and he said no, he's just getting the testosterone. He can't afford the decca and winstrol.
In telling him no, I felt like I was turning down my dealer for some smack.
I've been carrying around Tim's list of suplements in my pocket for a week. I printed it out and then forgot to stop at the Hi Health. I think I'll stop tomorrow and get that stuff. I'm feeling down about not getting any anabolic steroids, so at least getting the natural goods will do me good.
Remember Patriot Day tomorrow, folks! 9/11 remember?
We'd best never forget!
M
I told him no. I asked if he's gonna be stacking and he said no, he's just getting the testosterone. He can't afford the decca and winstrol.
In telling him no, I felt like I was turning down my dealer for some smack.
I've been carrying around Tim's list of suplements in my pocket for a week. I printed it out and then forgot to stop at the Hi Health. I think I'll stop tomorrow and get that stuff. I'm feeling down about not getting any anabolic steroids, so at least getting the natural goods will do me good.
Remember Patriot Day tomorrow, folks! 9/11 remember?
We'd best never forget!
M
What the f*** do you need steroids for? Eat a salad, walk around the block a few times and come home and take a nap for Christ's sake.
Ummmm.....HI MARK!
Ummmm.....HI MARK!
Yes, I know. Steroids are bad for you, and dangerous.
It's fake energy and muscles. But that all goes away after you quit using, so it's worse than worthless. My addictive bit of brain wanted it.
But my my hp rejected it, and she's in charge these days.
I eat salad, by the way. And I do plenty of walking. I'm even thinking about running! (just thinking, mind you) lol
The person that I twelve stepped the other night called twice last night just to say what a special person I am and how they are blessed to have me in their life. That's good for the self esteem and never would have happened bp.
I found that there's a rehab facility in town that holds weekend step seminars periodically where they go through all twelve steps in a weekend with small groups of folks.
I'm going there tonight to find out when the next one is and I'm going to do it. It's an abbreviated version, of course, and is no substitute for doing the steps with a sponsor, but I think it would be a good idea for me. It will take the mystery away and give me a better grasp of the program.
Off to work.
M
It's fake energy and muscles. But that all goes away after you quit using, so it's worse than worthless. My addictive bit of brain wanted it.
But my my hp rejected it, and she's in charge these days.
I eat salad, by the way. And I do plenty of walking. I'm even thinking about running! (just thinking, mind you) lol
The person that I twelve stepped the other night called twice last night just to say what a special person I am and how they are blessed to have me in their life. That's good for the self esteem and never would have happened bp.
I found that there's a rehab facility in town that holds weekend step seminars periodically where they go through all twelve steps in a weekend with small groups of folks.
I'm going there tonight to find out when the next one is and I'm going to do it. It's an abbreviated version, of course, and is no substitute for doing the steps with a sponsor, but I think it would be a good idea for me. It will take the mystery away and give me a better grasp of the program.
Off to work.
M