Hi all, I am so used to reacting to every problem my 27 yr old AS had in the past, that now that I have set strong boundaries and have stopped all enabling, Im almost at a loss for words when I get a message from him like, I cant get into the homeless shelter, because of x,y,z. etc. etc. From what ive been told, he is homeless, and without means. What ive learned from stopping the enabling is now I have consequences .. I dont get to assuage my guilt or anxiety with fixing my son and his problems, I have to actually sit with these gut-wrenching feelings and let go and stick to them or im doomed to repeat my old behaviors. These are baby steps for me. On one hand, I have been very loving and supportive without lifting a finger to fix the situation. but on the other hand, I just want to say this is enough bull$*** etc. Id like to hear how you've handled these situations with your loved ones. Thanks in advance group.
Hi G--
Well-- I completely understand what you are feeling! I have totally stopped enabling our AS after many years of doing so. It was me addicted to helping him as much as it was him addicted to drugs! I am healing too. I have no contact with him currently, but I am sure he will surface eventually when his options totally run out. I will be supportive and loving, but I will never be sucked into his drama again or give him financial help or any help that he should be doing himself! Would it be easier to give in and help him again--absolutely! But then I would have to go through all the drama and crap again--kinda like withdrawal.
You have to stay strong and keep on the path you are on now. Visit this forum often and go to Alanon or Narcanon for support. You are doing the right thing and it is gut wrenching, but it is a necessity if we ever want our AS's to change because they are the only ones that can change. Our "helping" just delays the process.
Hoping and praying for you to keep the strength and follow through--
Lori
Well-- I completely understand what you are feeling! I have totally stopped enabling our AS after many years of doing so. It was me addicted to helping him as much as it was him addicted to drugs! I am healing too. I have no contact with him currently, but I am sure he will surface eventually when his options totally run out. I will be supportive and loving, but I will never be sucked into his drama again or give him financial help or any help that he should be doing himself! Would it be easier to give in and help him again--absolutely! But then I would have to go through all the drama and crap again--kinda like withdrawal.
You have to stay strong and keep on the path you are on now. Visit this forum often and go to Alanon or Narcanon for support. You are doing the right thing and it is gut wrenching, but it is a necessity if we ever want our AS's to change because they are the only ones that can change. Our "helping" just delays the process.
Hoping and praying for you to keep the strength and follow through--
Lori
ps--
in the past when he called and needed xyz or couldn't do this because of that and all the other ridiculous excuses they make, I would say ," I love you and because I do, you need to figure things out for yourself. There are many options if you really want them. You can call me when you have made your choices."
This usually ended with him hanging up or cussing at me ,but it achieved what needed to be done and that was --me not giving in and running to his rescue.
Lori
in the past when he called and needed xyz or couldn't do this because of that and all the other ridiculous excuses they make, I would say ," I love you and because I do, you need to figure things out for yourself. There are many options if you really want them. You can call me when you have made your choices."
This usually ended with him hanging up or cussing at me ,but it achieved what needed to be done and that was --me not giving in and running to his rescue.
Lori
Thank you so much Lori I have been following your posts because I can relate to you so well. I'm going to use your suggestion and continue to gain knowledge and keep firm. I miss my son so much. I haven't seen him in almost a year and that is heart breaking to me. Our messages back n forth are so strained. His pattern is he Usually doesnt demand anything from me, but he will lay it all at my feet to be handled. My pattern used to be that i would pick it all up and give him the bare minimum to just live. Again and again.Now that we dont have that anymore- we try to talk about surface stuff Cuz I don't ask about jobs, money or shelter anymore. All that's left are crisis after crisis. Thanks for listening.
Gertruda...WELL DONE!! Its so odd..and hard for a person who loves and addict (codependent) to grasp that the VERY behavior they detest in the addict ...is almost exactly the same in themselves. Its literally like this very sick little dance...addict does this...codependent does that...and ON and ON it goes.Then one day you realize your life is almost over and you've wasted it...or one day ...hopefully ...you both wake up (moment of clarity) and REALIZE the insanity.
You are so wise to realize that you are the grips of a "withdrawal"....just like an addict...so damn hard to SIT with feelings. Ive been on both sides of this coin and only 3 months sober and I am FEELING my a** off....SO HARD.
Therapy and 12 step meetings have been invaluable. We can figure out WHY we are feeling the guilt or anxiety for instance and then hopefully learn to deal with them constructively. Also there is so much COMFORT to just be able to talk to others that GET IT and when they say WE ARE HERE FOR YOU...and IT CAN/DOES get better...you believe them because you see LIVING proof! YOU ARE DOING GREAT and I believe in YOU!
You are so wise to realize that you are the grips of a "withdrawal"....just like an addict...so damn hard to SIT with feelings. Ive been on both sides of this coin and only 3 months sober and I am FEELING my a** off....SO HARD.
Therapy and 12 step meetings have been invaluable. We can figure out WHY we are feeling the guilt or anxiety for instance and then hopefully learn to deal with them constructively. Also there is so much COMFORT to just be able to talk to others that GET IT and when they say WE ARE HERE FOR YOU...and IT CAN/DOES get better...you believe them because you see LIVING proof! YOU ARE DOING GREAT and I believe in YOU!
Hi jen - thanks for the encouragement - sometimes you've got to get that validation from the outside looking in. I really like reading your posts as well because you hand it out right between the eyes. And I appreciate that. You are so right - I'm going thru withdrawal with my son. Everything has changed. I get so much out of sharing here. The knowledge and hard-earned wisdom is priceless. Good for you that you are sober 3 months - one day at a time we can do anything. Thank you jen!
You are so very welcome. I think my delivery could use some work ...Im trying. Just kind of where Im at I guess.Yes , we ALL need to hear the TRUTH.We all need to be ENCOURAGED.
Hey, JEN, I think your delivery IS getting better, thinking back on posts from a few months ago!
bravo!
bravo!
Thanks NY!
