Hello,
I would not even know where to begin typing all this information and history, but short version for now is this:
24 year old daughter I know is using drugs (pot/cocaine/meth)
Hanging with a very bad crowd.
Always wants to be a victim and uses that excuse for everything.
When you try to talk about things and offer to help, you get told to mind your own business and butt out, but when you do that, you get told you are a heartless uncaring parent. My head just spins.
I guess my first big question is this..... How do you distinguish and separate "loving" them from "enabling" them??????
Hi and welcome RS,
Your question is a really good one. In my opinion, 'loving them' is unconditional. You just love them. 'Enabling them' are behaviors we do which are not helpful and often can harm them in the long run.
Your question is a really good one. In my opinion, 'loving them' is unconditional. You just love them. 'Enabling them' are behaviors we do which are not helpful and often can harm them in the long run.
I found that I had to form very distinct boundaries of what I would accept and not accept. Also distinct boundaries on what I would do and not do. I believe you have to be very clear with them and very clear to yourself.
My daughter is 30. I have been playing this game fir 15 years. Only in the last two years have I started to stop enabling.
You love you daughter. Stop giving her money, use of the car. Get yourself to a therapist/addiction counselor. Things will get worse before they get better.
Read our stories here.
You love you daughter. Stop giving her money, use of the car. Get yourself to a therapist/addiction counselor. Things will get worse before they get better.
Read our stories here.
Here are some previous posts that used to be popular. type the titles in the search options at bottom of post:
Ways Family Members can Help,
What Not to do
Let me fall all by myself
Will you learn to say No
read at smartrecovery.org to see just how dangerous your child's life is right now.
Go to Nar-Anon meeting to talk openly and get ideas on how deal with your every day addiction drama. also you will see people going thru this for years. it might motivate you to know this wont end easily.
keep reading here.
your daughter is manipulating you. My son has done it for years. we have been on the roller coaster for about 6 years. he has been to rehab 3 times. most recently over the summer 2018. 3 months clean and now 4 months into relapse. his pattern is that he does not stop until everything is gone. broken car, lost job, no money, no home. then he will to rehab. but does not learn after a few months goes back to it.
and still says he is doing nothing wrong and its not his fault. In our case the worst is that he spends his pay check, does not pay bills and then I supplement. I keep thinking I am doing better at not giving in, but then I realize I have again eeked out too much $$ over a weeks time or so. he always says he will pay back, seems sincere but rarely does. We have had some awful times here w dad yelling, screaming, begging. still it does not motivate him to stop what his is doing. idk his drug of choice. more along the lines of cocaine, herion, benzos. I think he does not do a LOT but it is enough to use up his paycheck and make his irresponsible for his bills and keep him dependent instead of independent. He is 29 yrs old.
From reading on here, meth is pretty bad and a rough drug. do anything you can to get her to rehab. it doesn't have to be the best or cost a lot of $$
I made the most progress last year when I found a recovery center in our area. They even treated family members - me - with counciling sessions. leave no stone unturned. go to the rehab at a local hospital, go to local recovery centers, find out what is available. Going to this recovery center enabled me to push my son to go to the hospital when things were very bad.
we sent our son away twice - trouble with that is once they are out after about 3 months, they are left to fend for themselves with nothing - unless they go to sober living. 1st time son went to a crappy sober living. second time it was much better, he just decided he didn't want to be sober after 5 months.
It is definitely a roller coaster. the sooner you get off the better. unfortunately, we think we can do this on our own, we hope and watch for improvements that we think are just around the corner, and then another year goes by.
Ways Family Members can Help,
What Not to do
Let me fall all by myself
Will you learn to say No
read at smartrecovery.org to see just how dangerous your child's life is right now.
Go to Nar-Anon meeting to talk openly and get ideas on how deal with your every day addiction drama. also you will see people going thru this for years. it might motivate you to know this wont end easily.
keep reading here.
your daughter is manipulating you. My son has done it for years. we have been on the roller coaster for about 6 years. he has been to rehab 3 times. most recently over the summer 2018. 3 months clean and now 4 months into relapse. his pattern is that he does not stop until everything is gone. broken car, lost job, no money, no home. then he will to rehab. but does not learn after a few months goes back to it.
and still says he is doing nothing wrong and its not his fault. In our case the worst is that he spends his pay check, does not pay bills and then I supplement. I keep thinking I am doing better at not giving in, but then I realize I have again eeked out too much $$ over a weeks time or so. he always says he will pay back, seems sincere but rarely does. We have had some awful times here w dad yelling, screaming, begging. still it does not motivate him to stop what his is doing. idk his drug of choice. more along the lines of cocaine, herion, benzos. I think he does not do a LOT but it is enough to use up his paycheck and make his irresponsible for his bills and keep him dependent instead of independent. He is 29 yrs old.
From reading on here, meth is pretty bad and a rough drug. do anything you can to get her to rehab. it doesn't have to be the best or cost a lot of $$
I made the most progress last year when I found a recovery center in our area. They even treated family members - me - with counciling sessions. leave no stone unturned. go to the rehab at a local hospital, go to local recovery centers, find out what is available. Going to this recovery center enabled me to push my son to go to the hospital when things were very bad.
we sent our son away twice - trouble with that is once they are out after about 3 months, they are left to fend for themselves with nothing - unless they go to sober living. 1st time son went to a crappy sober living. second time it was much better, he just decided he didn't want to be sober after 5 months.
It is definitely a roller coaster. the sooner you get off the better. unfortunately, we think we can do this on our own, we hope and watch for improvements that we think are just around the corner, and then another year goes by.
It is scary - in the beginning years I was too afraid of my son dying. I always gave in to demands. years later I see he hasn't died but several friends have, the drugs bring them to a suicidal state. ether while on them for a while or in withdrawal. and when clean they are bored with life, not exciting, nothing to do. since consuming drugs was their life 24/7.
here is a statement from a friend that stuck with me:
She's pushing your buttons to see which ones work. Show her that they don't work.
here is a statement from a friend that stuck with me:
She's pushing your buttons to see which ones work. Show her that they don't work.
Welcome RS - sometimes just being here & talking to other moms/parents helps you realize 1. you are not alone & 2. we are also in the same boat, some kids are younger, some older, some live at home & some don't. Some of us having been dealing with manipulative addicted kids for a few years, some of us for decades.
It is ok to love you child, but you have to find your bottom line. She going to live her live how she wants and she will be the one with the consequences - sometimes they are beyond what you think you can deal with (jail/prison) or raising a baby because the parent can't. Sometimes the consequences can have positive effects.
You can cry, plead, beg, offer to pay, drive, etc to get them to work/school/rehab/etc but until they are ready to make that choice (in my experience) for themselves, they are just going thru the motions or doing it because they have to.
Our pat answer to my 43 y/o meth addict son now is "until you decide that you want to get better & decide what you need to do to help yourself we won't.... (insert latest request or demand) and I have a 24/7 Crisis Clinic's number & address handy...
Good luck - sometimes kids (even adult kids) wise up & outgrow their party friends
It is ok to love you child, but you have to find your bottom line. She going to live her live how she wants and she will be the one with the consequences - sometimes they are beyond what you think you can deal with (jail/prison) or raising a baby because the parent can't. Sometimes the consequences can have positive effects.
You can cry, plead, beg, offer to pay, drive, etc to get them to work/school/rehab/etc but until they are ready to make that choice (in my experience) for themselves, they are just going thru the motions or doing it because they have to.
Our pat answer to my 43 y/o meth addict son now is "until you decide that you want to get better & decide what you need to do to help yourself we won't.... (insert latest request or demand) and I have a 24/7 Crisis Clinic's number & address handy...
Good luck - sometimes kids (even adult kids) wise up & outgrow their party friends
NyToFlorida - This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing it.
"She's pushing your buttons to see which ones work. Show her that they don't work."
"She's pushing your buttons to see which ones work. Show her that they don't work."
RS - remember that you are the adult, your daughter is the child. My son is my oldest, my daughter is the middle child. We were introduced to addiction thru our daughter, two years before we knew about our son's addiction. one of the turning points was when I was driving with her and she was saying some crap about something. I looked at her and saw the devil. clear as day my brain said 'this is not your daughter talking'. for some reasons she got out of it quicker than my son. we kicked her out, she left. went to live in a basement w a friend. after a few months in close quarters she found out the friend was not too friendly. she tried to get a job where she was with no transportation and in the middle of winter using bus and taxi. she decided she didn't want to live that way. she wanted to be independent. she joined the army. she is 5 yrs clean, married, out of the army, living on the west coast.
previous to the army she went to rehab twice. we did all the enabling things everyone does. giving her store cards or gas cards instead of cash. driving her to community college classes and work when I decided she was a danger on the road. and gave in to her manipulations and kept trying to establish boundries. the Christmas she was living an hour away at the friends house I told her she could not come home for our family Christmas party. that it was too stressful to have her here. she was only allowed to come home over night on Christmas eve. we drove her back the next day. it was hard but had to be done.
she put herself in the army where she would not be tempted. this doesn't work for everyone. She was not athletic and the physical training was tough. some do well in the service, some do not.
Again - they have to want to do it. I hear the airforce is easier. lol
dealing w our son is different. he just keeps it going. I am getting to be less reactive. I still think that surely he will give up this addiction, but there are other signs that he isn't.
Thanks for listening!
previous to the army she went to rehab twice. we did all the enabling things everyone does. giving her store cards or gas cards instead of cash. driving her to community college classes and work when I decided she was a danger on the road. and gave in to her manipulations and kept trying to establish boundries. the Christmas she was living an hour away at the friends house I told her she could not come home for our family Christmas party. that it was too stressful to have her here. she was only allowed to come home over night on Christmas eve. we drove her back the next day. it was hard but had to be done.
she put herself in the army where she would not be tempted. this doesn't work for everyone. She was not athletic and the physical training was tough. some do well in the service, some do not.
Again - they have to want to do it. I hear the airforce is easier. lol
dealing w our son is different. he just keeps it going. I am getting to be less reactive. I still think that surely he will give up this addiction, but there are other signs that he isn't.
Thanks for listening!
