Chink In My Armor

Every since I stopped eating pills and got on sub I've felt like I had some pretty strong armor to help me fight my addiction this time. I found this board, I was honest with my husband for once, I stopped taking pills, I am attending 3 therapy or group sessions a week (in which I am learning alot about addiction and starting on the 12 steps). I felt like everything was going to be o.k. now. I still have a chink in my armor. My mother lives with me (you already know) and my hubby hates her and the fact that she is here. So, every little thing she does infuriates him and he takes it out on me. I know how she is and how difficult it must be for him to have to put up with all the crap she dishes out in his own home, but it's hard on me too. Besides her not appreciating anything I do for her and treating all of us bad, I have to do alot of "doctoring" and nursing" for her. I get pulled back and forth between mom and hubby all the time and It's driving me crazy. He b******at me constantly about her for example: She gets the remote control and falls asleep holding it and he can't turn the channel. I've told him to just get the remote, but he won't b/c it's not his mother and I should have to deal with it. She only weighs 65 pounds and stays cold b/c she has no "insulation", so she keeps a lil heater in the bathroom (My floor is cold on her feet in the bathroom) to get warm by. It pisses him off. Why? It's only in one litle bathroom that no one uses but her and we keep the door shut. She doesn't run it all the time. It's not hurting him.

Anyway, I could go all day telling you things that they do, but the point I'm trying to make is that When he starts in on me about her is a time that I would have run straight to the pill bottle.....I don't have the urge to yet, but I'm scared that if I can pinpoint something that I would have taken pills for then am I that far away from taking any? I've just really felt alone this past week trying to deal with my addiction, my mother, and my husband. I know everybody has problems similar to mine that triggers this and feels alone. The only place I can really go and not feel as alone is on this board. I just needed to vent a lil I guess. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read this.
Hi Rhonda just goign to turn me laptop off.and readthis. Its good that your able to let out your feelings. It kind of sucks what going on but it will get better. All problems have solotions, You will figure it out. Until then keep venting as this is good medicine.'

Sleep well

Take care--Jeff
I'm trying to IM you....it says your logged on but...where are you?
Thanks Jeff. I appreciate what you said alot!!

Cal.....I was cleaning my bedroom and dealing with mom. I'll hop on the Im real quick.
Rhonda,
I've been a member for a short while but this is my first post. When I read your "chink in armor" I HAD to reply. Never did the obvious chipping away of my "armor" by the unhappiness of those around me seem so mirrored by another. I always felt worse if I dare complain ABOUT THE COMPLAINERS! Thought I was selfish,bitchy,unsympathtic- so I'd only open my mouth to shove pills in it. Then comes the guilt of drugging myself instead of effectively dealing with the problem- time for another pill. Follow this up with a hefty dose of self-loathing for my inability to stand up for myself- another pill. Pathetically trying to mask terminally low self-esteem- I think you get the picture- yes, another pill. When I read your post and felt so bad for you, it opened my eyes to what I thought was my exclusive "weight of the world" issue. I know we all have problems but sometimes just hearing your own mirrored in others can do a lot to ease that load. You may think you were just venting, that your problems may seem petty to others, but you truly helped me recognize an issue I'm sure many people (especially mothers and women in general) wrestle with. We're taught to quietly care for others, sometimes at the expense of ourselves. This is not an excuse for my behavior, just an unrecognized pattern. I truly think you are a hero for trying to help YOURSELF and those around you, especially in an unenviable tug-of-war with your mother and husband. The very people you love the most are sometimes the most oblivious to the pain it causes when making you chose sides. Your husband should respect the way you care for your mother, should be proud of you. Of course it's diificult, but wouldn't he want the security of knowing, should something happen to him, that you can be relied on to help those in need? Especially when you're dealing with the fight of your life not running to the pills! I hope I've offered a little encouragement for you to get through at least this moment without finding solace in bad places. And thank you again for giving others courage in your time of need.

Kathi...........Welcome. Thank you so much for everything you said to me. It really did give me encouragement to not go to that bad place. I don't feel much like a hero, but If I was on the outside looking in I would have to say "she's alright"! It has been such a difficult time for me. It would be difficult for a "normie" to handle, and I am definately not a "normie". I am an addict that turned to pills to deal with all this mess. I am so glad I stopped taking them and honestly if It would not have been for this board I would still be taking pills. So, naturally it is where I come If I feel like my armor is coming off. I am so grateful for the friends I've made here and for the new friends I know I will make. Like I said this is the only place I can come to vent, be honest, and get support from "friends"! You are a sweetheart for that post. I do hope you will hang around and post some more. You are an inspiration. Nice to meet you!

Callie.....thanks for the phone call last night. I really needed that and I felt alot better after we talked and laughed! I love you to pieces!