I have been married to an addict for 22 years. Alcoholic, is easier for me to say than addict. But through the years I have realized he is 100% addicted to whatever comes to his fancy, good or bad. He will go from testing the waters to being all in or nothing. Our story is long and chaotic. There are chapters of the very good, the bad, and the truly ugly. If I looked in at someone else living in the dysfunction we do I would think they were insane and I often question my sanity. Alanon helped, as have the dozens and dozens of books I have read about addiction, the blogs, the open AA meeting I attended, private counseling... but it comes down to I chose the dysfunctional atmosphere just as he choses to drink or drug. I am addicted to the addict. I need more help than he does! We have 2 pretty fantastic kids that have lived in the chaos with us. We have separated twice. Once early in our marriage when he was using meth and a few years ago when I thought this will get him sober from vodka! Joke was on me... he spiraled so far down I just "had" to "save" him. I can only describe it as living in a 3 ring circus. Never know what ring is going to be front and center. Why can I not Let Go!?!?
Hi Bernise, I can relate to your post. It seems as though your just not ready to give it up yet. There was a time I too couldn't let go and give up the life or those who were in my life. I still got something from living in the insanity, chaos and drama...whether it was a feeling of being needed, loved, in control of someone other than myself, all it did was totally distract me from my own stuff. I was in recovery for years before I got to the point where finally the pain of holding on was greater than the pain of letting go. That was basically why I was holding on because I didn't want to go through the unbelievable pain of looking at myself and having to change. I had to surrender. But I wasn't ready until I was ready and when you are you'll never look at your life the same way again. Hang in there.
Gertuda, Thank you so much for your reply. I am so concerned about his rock bottom yet I need to be more concerned with what is mine? Great to hear from someone that could get out of the orbit.
Absolutely! Change that thinking around and start asking yourself those kinds of questions. It puts the focus where it actually makes some sense, for you are the only one that you can change. The fact that you're even asking yourself this question is a turn in the right direction. Keep coming back. Hang in there.
In the last week I have read this and asked myself with everything I have tried what exactly was I doing for me? Alanon was for me, yet I was doing it to help understand him (plus not to feel so alone). Books on addiction and recovering addicts, but what about books about helping me break my codependency?
One day at a time for me (ok, maybe 1 hour right now) My invisible cape needs to be burned!!
Thankful for such a great resource. Reading, learning, and fingers crossed--growing very, very slowly....
One day at a time for me (ok, maybe 1 hour right now) My invisible cape needs to be burned!!
Thankful for such a great resource. Reading, learning, and fingers crossed--growing very, very slowly....
Hi Bernise, when I first started to work an alanon program, my sponsor gave me the ODAT {the blue one day a time) book and I clearly remember that every time my ABF and I would get into these tremendous fights, I would open up to the back of the ODAT to the index and feverishly look up what I felt he was feeling, ie, anger, so I could get a handle on what to do about his anger etc. The day the light bulb went off was when I realized that I was doing this. I had it all backwards. I had never looked at what I was feeling or how I was handling myself. I always felt like the 'victim', the one who did everything for everyone and who became a reactor to everything that was said to me only because I had to defend myself. I never knew that I didn't have to participate in every fight that I was invited to. Because I changed the way that I was looking at things, things changed. I started to become aware of my feelings, my wants, my needs and thus started to understand what boundaries were. The changes just kept coming and coming but not without time and a lot of peeling away of the onion. I've found out that I have a LOT of thick layers. :} One day at a time. Take good care of yourself.
I have made yet another break for it! I am so ashamed to be in this position again!! If I would have followed through the last time I could have probably moved on by now. I want and need to get better! The list of qualities of an enabler I hit them all on the mark. Praying first for strength! Cell phones are awesome, until you have an addict on the other end.
