came close to it today folks (first time in 2.5 months), i'm very depressed. i can not sort out the important things in my head that need to be tended to. ie. work decisions- should i leave my pt job..., the future; everything about the future... the next minute, next day, next week; next year and on and on..onto all my responsiblities blah blah blah. i upped my prozac but that takes time to click in. this feels bigger than prozac. the sound of certain people's voices send me 'out there' i am angry, feeling worthless... everything that's been simmering under the surface has appeared...out of the blue i felt the only way i could/can do this is to get high, i felt like it would improve my mood and help organzie my thoughts. it would also give me though a false sense YET albiet a sense of hopefullness or of things to look forward to. i have none at the moment. i lay in bed all day. i got up to re-write my resume, do some fixes on my creative work which i suppose comes from within me so i don't seem to have trouble with it. in fact it seems like it is the only thing i can do. haven't got dressed all weekend. i have no plans on returning to work and don't know what to do. what to say to the dude i work for and what the hopeless job market is out there.
all this clean time i have is due to the thought of smoking it confusing me keeps me from picking up. today i felt like it would click me in. i almost felt it was worth the try. i didn't have the energy to get dressed to hassle with getting it so in the end these blues saved my clean time. a circle of blue.
i feel bad about my husband and my sweet daughter who get to see and experience this sick side of me. they are out now.
thanks for letting me sadly and weakly spill...
:(jojo
Many hugs to you Jo! I am so proud of you for hangin in as long as you have. I know you can stay strong & keep at it. Just think of how well you've done. Think of your girl & how she wont even remember a time when mommy was high. You can have an open & honest relationship with your child. Its right in front of you if you just stay strong. I am here for ya Jo. If I don't right back here on the weekends or somethin you know u can always email me. Not much ever goes on here during then so I dont check anymore. It just frustrates me. I miss you!
Love ya,
aea
Love ya,
aea
I'm sorry that the blues were getting to you jojo. There's nothing worse. It's a slip though, and you'll get through this. 2.5 months is very respectable! I didn't last what 5 days?
I'm not even sure when I smoked again after all my resolve to quit. But it's okay, my resolve is still there, I didn't smoke much and it is the last of it so it's time to try again.
you'll do the same.
persevere.
Oh I'm listeing to Emily Haines "doctor Blind"... it's good. worth a listen. sad though.
as is appropriate.
My dad died on friday. He was in a car crash. ANd I miss him and will miss him so. I only have a minute to write because it's dad I want to focus on right now, not me and my silly addiction to pot. and the blues.
I'm going to speak at the funeral. I'm going talk about the fact that my dad lived with delight. ------every moment that he possibly could. He appreciated every moment with anyone and everyone around him. To honour him, I'm going to live my life with much more delight. and outwardness.
which is why I write now.
delight in your life --in all of the little moments with those close to you. if you like, do it in honour of my dad. FInd your laughter.
if I may give advice --only because i need to take it for myself, telling another is like a reminder, so if it's the thing for you, please try it,
go out, join a group during the day. volunteer somewhere, talk to someone about what you want to do. Dream of the craziest things. anything.
YOu probably know all this -- but do something. And trust yourself, trust your own inner guide. it's there, just needs quiet to come out.
your family will understand. they love you no matter what you do.
take care, jojo.
clarity will come again.
jules
I'm not even sure when I smoked again after all my resolve to quit. But it's okay, my resolve is still there, I didn't smoke much and it is the last of it so it's time to try again.
you'll do the same.
persevere.
Oh I'm listeing to Emily Haines "doctor Blind"... it's good. worth a listen. sad though.
as is appropriate.
My dad died on friday. He was in a car crash. ANd I miss him and will miss him so. I only have a minute to write because it's dad I want to focus on right now, not me and my silly addiction to pot. and the blues.
I'm going to speak at the funeral. I'm going talk about the fact that my dad lived with delight. ------every moment that he possibly could. He appreciated every moment with anyone and everyone around him. To honour him, I'm going to live my life with much more delight. and outwardness.
which is why I write now.
delight in your life --in all of the little moments with those close to you. if you like, do it in honour of my dad. FInd your laughter.
if I may give advice --only because i need to take it for myself, telling another is like a reminder, so if it's the thing for you, please try it,
go out, join a group during the day. volunteer somewhere, talk to someone about what you want to do. Dream of the craziest things. anything.
YOu probably know all this -- but do something. And trust yourself, trust your own inner guide. it's there, just needs quiet to come out.
your family will understand. they love you no matter what you do.
take care, jojo.
clarity will come again.
jules
JoJo- Dear one, I truly hope you are feeling positive energy this morning.....that you can turn your face towards the sun and take a moment to experience some light today. You have worked hard, you've earned it !
I will share what has been my experience, as you know I have been where are you are many times.
I love to sing, I sing all the time, in the car, in the shower in the kitchen....I took a singing workshop this weekend. I just thought it would be a few lessons and some time spent on me, doing something fun and completely inner-child nurturing. My husband took care of the kids and the house and the chores and the errands which was such a treat! Now I understand why the word "treat" is in the word "retreat" ! :-)
This (completely sober, yay me !!!!!) workshop turned out to be much more than about singing. It ended up being a dream fulfilled! A passion re-ignited! When I signed up for this course, I did not know that we would be performing at a church as a conclusion to the weekend! The teacher left that that part out. (probably a smart move, or I would have chickened out/made judgements) I mean I like the stained glass on churches and all. The simple fact that they give comfort to some people makes my heart smile. Have at'r I say ! :-)
I still feel like I am in a dream state this morning. Who knew I would have the confidence to do something so bold 11 months ago ? We even sang in African, too, I learned a new language ! (ok well, it was only three sentences and the rest was in English, but holy strawberries batman, how cool is that ?) And the church was so comforting, Jo, you know I'm not a church going person, this was so out of my element ! But the moment I walked in with the other 8 women in our group.....I felt so at home. I was even able to see peoples' auras again ! Yellows and blues, not just the milky white I have seen in the past. It has been so long !I I met some people in the congregation who gather to do Reiki sharing as well on Tuesday nights there ! I met artists and screenwriters and teachers and actors and dancers and a comedian! We had a woman in our group who knows how to play a drum like nothing else I've heard, and oh my goodness I can't believe what just transpired ! I have not performed live and in person since high school !!! I have dreamed of doing this again and there it was in my face ! I had shared with many friends and family years ago that I wanted to be on stage again by the time I was forty. To have this manifestation was so miraculous for me ! To have and give support is so amazing.
It turned out the woman that taught the workshop is also studying Shamanism!!!! Coincidence ??? I think not ! ;-) We had a transformation fire ceremony on Saturday night and then made smores afterwards ! (Chocolate is a womans' best friend no matter where you are) LOL !!
Dear friend, life is there for you, reach down deep, remember what gave you joy when you were little....honour it, honour yourself, you are so special and unique with gifts and talents and passion. Find out what gives you joy now, talk with others about what's out there for the taking/classes/courses/gatherings of like-minded people. What's new ? What's old ? What's easy ? What's bold ? :-)
Please....just love yourself ok ?
"We should take from the past its fires and not its ashes." - Jean Juares
Love and light,
Diana
I will share what has been my experience, as you know I have been where are you are many times.
I love to sing, I sing all the time, in the car, in the shower in the kitchen....I took a singing workshop this weekend. I just thought it would be a few lessons and some time spent on me, doing something fun and completely inner-child nurturing. My husband took care of the kids and the house and the chores and the errands which was such a treat! Now I understand why the word "treat" is in the word "retreat" ! :-)
This (completely sober, yay me !!!!!) workshop turned out to be much more than about singing. It ended up being a dream fulfilled! A passion re-ignited! When I signed up for this course, I did not know that we would be performing at a church as a conclusion to the weekend! The teacher left that that part out. (probably a smart move, or I would have chickened out/made judgements) I mean I like the stained glass on churches and all. The simple fact that they give comfort to some people makes my heart smile. Have at'r I say ! :-)
I still feel like I am in a dream state this morning. Who knew I would have the confidence to do something so bold 11 months ago ? We even sang in African, too, I learned a new language ! (ok well, it was only three sentences and the rest was in English, but holy strawberries batman, how cool is that ?) And the church was so comforting, Jo, you know I'm not a church going person, this was so out of my element ! But the moment I walked in with the other 8 women in our group.....I felt so at home. I was even able to see peoples' auras again ! Yellows and blues, not just the milky white I have seen in the past. It has been so long !I I met some people in the congregation who gather to do Reiki sharing as well on Tuesday nights there ! I met artists and screenwriters and teachers and actors and dancers and a comedian! We had a woman in our group who knows how to play a drum like nothing else I've heard, and oh my goodness I can't believe what just transpired ! I have not performed live and in person since high school !!! I have dreamed of doing this again and there it was in my face ! I had shared with many friends and family years ago that I wanted to be on stage again by the time I was forty. To have this manifestation was so miraculous for me ! To have and give support is so amazing.
It turned out the woman that taught the workshop is also studying Shamanism!!!! Coincidence ??? I think not ! ;-) We had a transformation fire ceremony on Saturday night and then made smores afterwards ! (Chocolate is a womans' best friend no matter where you are) LOL !!
Dear friend, life is there for you, reach down deep, remember what gave you joy when you were little....honour it, honour yourself, you are so special and unique with gifts and talents and passion. Find out what gives you joy now, talk with others about what's out there for the taking/classes/courses/gatherings of like-minded people. What's new ? What's old ? What's easy ? What's bold ? :-)
Please....just love yourself ok ?
"We should take from the past its fires and not its ashes." - Jean Juares
Love and light,
Diana
Jem, I am so sorry for your sudden loss....how horribly sad.....and how lovely to reach out to Jo in your time of sorrow...please take care.
With respect,
Diana
With respect,
Diana
ladies- thanks for all your words... really. aea so sweet, i know you know....how are you doing?
wonderwoman- what a weekend you had. sounds great, you go and sing you amaze me! thanks for your thoughts. "love myself?" don't know about that... but i can try to give me a break. yesterday i kinda just gave into the feelings today i got dressed and went to the dentist. didn't cancel, i showed up. you are so right. and i also know you know how it is. i am so glad you had your weekend and reTREAT and thank you for all you wrote and shared...
jem (is that jem of jem finch?) my heart goes out to you. your words hit me in the head with such selfless wisdom and words of truth. to take from yourself at this time. wow. it is me/us who should be giving you the words. i hope this time is goes easy for you. i trust your speech at the funeral was powerful. take care of you. the next days are the hardest please check in. let me/us know how you are doing. ohmy so sudden, it's sad. i am so sorry for such a loss. i appreciate your words and hear them. tears in my eyes for you.... jojo
wonderwoman- what a weekend you had. sounds great, you go and sing you amaze me! thanks for your thoughts. "love myself?" don't know about that... but i can try to give me a break. yesterday i kinda just gave into the feelings today i got dressed and went to the dentist. didn't cancel, i showed up. you are so right. and i also know you know how it is. i am so glad you had your weekend and reTREAT and thank you for all you wrote and shared...
jem (is that jem of jem finch?) my heart goes out to you. your words hit me in the head with such selfless wisdom and words of truth. to take from yourself at this time. wow. it is me/us who should be giving you the words. i hope this time is goes easy for you. i trust your speech at the funeral was powerful. take care of you. the next days are the hardest please check in. let me/us know how you are doing. ohmy so sudden, it's sad. i am so sorry for such a loss. i appreciate your words and hear them. tears in my eyes for you.... jojo
JoJo, ygm and a photo. :-)
Yes, that IS a CBGB hoodie ! LMAO
Just for you, smile !
Yes, that IS a CBGB hoodie ! LMAO
Just for you, smile !
ww- that pic made my day. your smile, the sweatshirt and .... the orb:) thank you! needed that. i'm making a gratitude list, you're on it!
xo jojo
jem how are you doing? still holding your words real tight in my head/heart.
aea- it frustrates me too but we need to be here don't we? write/post or write and post... okay? you are on my list too:)!
jamv.......!!!!!!!!!
running with blind, f-ing faith! jojo
xo jojo
jem how are you doing? still holding your words real tight in my head/heart.
aea- it frustrates me too but we need to be here don't we? write/post or write and post... okay? you are on my list too:)!
jamv.......!!!!!!!!!
running with blind, f-ing faith! jojo
Good job on keeping appts. when I was at my worst depression, that was a hard one !
I have an appt. this afternoon....anticipating pill prescriptions, this time for Crohn's as it showed up in the biopsy of the large intestine. I am symptom free and going to confess my pot usage to this Doctor too. I hope I don't chicken out. I would really like to hear his opinion though.
The sweatshirt is my daughter's....but I just happened to borrow it that day :-) Now I know why.....it was meant to be.
Peace,
Sober D
I have an appt. this afternoon....anticipating pill prescriptions, this time for Crohn's as it showed up in the biopsy of the large intestine. I am symptom free and going to confess my pot usage to this Doctor too. I hope I don't chicken out. I would really like to hear his opinion though.
The sweatshirt is my daughter's....but I just happened to borrow it that day :-) Now I know why.....it was meant to be.
Peace,
Sober D
i'm clean, wind in my sails.
im still clean too:) can't say i've got wind in my sails but i'm clean! -jojo
