CEO- Corporate executive officer = Replaceable
DAD= Father of his own children. Too many responsibilities to explain. Role model for all future men. Man these kids will always remember and either love or torture themselves about!
Okay- We understand that he needs to keep his job but lets get real. He needs to keep his family. i dont care if sells his house and works for 1/3 his pay. These kids need their father. This guy knows this.
C= compassion for the addict
E = Evidence of admitting that his life is out of control
O= Ovious that he needs help and hopefully will get it
DAD= father who needs help.
Acceptance =
After John 3:16, it may be one of the most referenced passages in literature. It's from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
E = Evidence of admitting that his life is out of control
O= Ovious that he needs help and hopefully will get it
DAD= father who needs help.
Acceptance =
After John 3:16, it may be one of the most referenced passages in literature. It's from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
I agree and feel all these things but if you read my post to him he agreed with me!
I love people. I believe in redemption. I also believe that people can live in denial and we need to be serious when children who are innocent and can not chose their parent are involved.
I want the best for him. He was here because he wanted to make a good choice. I want to help him and I want someone to help me. Lets all be frank and kind.
My dad died at the hands of an addiction and I can never resolve it. It haunts me to this day and pound my fists on his grave each spring and summer and beg for resolution and answers that I will never get. I am now with an addict. These things tend to continue and If I can wake him and help I will try. It is probably pointless but he is here and I wanted to point out that work is less important than his childrens future. He agreed. God bless the children in all of us.
I love people. I believe in redemption. I also believe that people can live in denial and we need to be serious when children who are innocent and can not chose their parent are involved.
I want the best for him. He was here because he wanted to make a good choice. I want to help him and I want someone to help me. Lets all be frank and kind.
My dad died at the hands of an addiction and I can never resolve it. It haunts me to this day and pound my fists on his grave each spring and summer and beg for resolution and answers that I will never get. I am now with an addict. These things tend to continue and If I can wake him and help I will try. It is probably pointless but he is here and I wanted to point out that work is less important than his childrens future. He agreed. God bless the children in all of us.
Jen,
We all have different perspectives about things. I admit that I was triggered when I read what you had written. I can see that you are dealing with a lot of issues that his post must have triggered for you. My father was an alcoholic. My childhood was filled with craziness and I grew up with many problems which I am still resolving.
I ask you to think about the consequences of being with an addict. Are you repeating your past? It may not be my business, but I don't see him here getting help. Are you in pain for him and for you dead father? Suffering is an option. I learned that I had choices and my life changed. You have a chance to be free of all that and I believe that is why you are here.I lay down the past, as best I can, try not to project
.Yes, he did agree with you. I'm sure you hit a nerve with him. But I want to ask you if you were doing it for him or for you? I can feel your justified anger in your posts. Anger can be good if directed properly.. but not getting rid of it can lead to a life of depression, mistrust, sadness and feeling victimized. I want you to know that I lived like that for so many years and I don't want you to.
I didn't mean in any way to offend you and I don't even know why I was defending him. It's strange why we do the things we do. I just feel a lot of compassion for people who have the courage to admit their weakness and failures. I was once one of those people, and if I had not recieved love, acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion I don't think I could have healed from many of the hurts of my past. And.. I might never have learned a different way to live.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to Change the things I can,
And have the wisdom to know the difference.
All my best to you,
Judy
We all have different perspectives about things. I admit that I was triggered when I read what you had written. I can see that you are dealing with a lot of issues that his post must have triggered for you. My father was an alcoholic. My childhood was filled with craziness and I grew up with many problems which I am still resolving.
I ask you to think about the consequences of being with an addict. Are you repeating your past? It may not be my business, but I don't see him here getting help. Are you in pain for him and for you dead father? Suffering is an option. I learned that I had choices and my life changed. You have a chance to be free of all that and I believe that is why you are here.I lay down the past, as best I can, try not to project
.Yes, he did agree with you. I'm sure you hit a nerve with him. But I want to ask you if you were doing it for him or for you? I can feel your justified anger in your posts. Anger can be good if directed properly.. but not getting rid of it can lead to a life of depression, mistrust, sadness and feeling victimized. I want you to know that I lived like that for so many years and I don't want you to.
I didn't mean in any way to offend you and I don't even know why I was defending him. It's strange why we do the things we do. I just feel a lot of compassion for people who have the courage to admit their weakness and failures. I was once one of those people, and if I had not recieved love, acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion I don't think I could have healed from many of the hurts of my past. And.. I might never have learned a different way to live.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to Change the things I can,
And have the wisdom to know the difference.
All my best to you,
Judy
I did it for his children.
If I did it for me I dont think so..Could be wrong. Did you read my other posts to him?
Full support of him and being here. Just lets not make love love excuses where children are involved and we also read about his wife.
I am still here, still fighting, so are you, I dont want his kids here fighting living with an addict. I dont want them to be addicts. That house needs a solution and if it comes from him it needs to be pushed from the dad end not the CEO end or maybe both. He mentioned both so I took it and ran... We are partners. He posted here. He is not mad at me and I am not mad at him. I give him full credit. I just wanted to help him place importance on the order of things because his company will fire him and move on. His children may fire him but they will suffer for life. My dad suffered for life and became his dad. I suffer now and it is the middle of the night. I cant resolve it with my dad. I want his children to have that chance.
If I did it for me I dont think so..Could be wrong. Did you read my other posts to him?
Full support of him and being here. Just lets not make love love excuses where children are involved and we also read about his wife.
I am still here, still fighting, so are you, I dont want his kids here fighting living with an addict. I dont want them to be addicts. That house needs a solution and if it comes from him it needs to be pushed from the dad end not the CEO end or maybe both. He mentioned both so I took it and ran... We are partners. He posted here. He is not mad at me and I am not mad at him. I give him full credit. I just wanted to help him place importance on the order of things because his company will fire him and move on. His children may fire him but they will suffer for life. My dad suffered for life and became his dad. I suffer now and it is the middle of the night. I cant resolve it with my dad. I want his children to have that chance.
yes I am repeating my past to some major degree. Trying to help ceo dad prevent his kids from doing that. it is a rough road repeating your past. especially when you are in your 20's-30'3 and your dad is dead. No resolution there,
Jen,
There is no right or wrong about any of this.I understand your reasons, I really do. I hope that ceo does consider his children in all this. Sometimes I don't think addicts are capable of thinking of anyone but themselves until they are clean and have started to experience some mental and emotional healing and begin a spiritual life. There is so much shame in addiction, I think they try to just block a lot of things out.
. I know my dad was not there for me when I was growing up and I was an angry, spiteful teen and on into my twenties I was very selfish and didn't care who I hurt. I felt like I was justified because of what I had been through in my life. That didn't do me any good at all. I was depressed, angry and hated myself. until I started resolving some of the things in my past through therapy and 12 step programs I could't be a decent parent or wife. And..most important, I couldn't be anything to myself until I learned to stop being a judge and jury for everyone and trying to run everybody's life except mne..
Then the focus got on me and I wanted to run like hell. and I did off and on for years when things were too painful to face.
But God always brought me back to a place where I was able to see the things I needed to see and his love was so unconditional that I could not hate or resent or judge anymore. I learned through his spirit to love as unconditionally as I knew how to, the way he loved and accepted me with all my sins and mistakes I had made. It was a relief to know that I could give all that pain to someone and stop holding on to it. The childhood pain, the young adult pain, the pain I suffered as an adult, the depression, anger, rage, shame and on and on..God wanted to take that away.
I remember when I realized that if I just let go and let God in and begin to trust in something bigger than me, it was a turning point in my life.
I am so sorry for your pain and your not being about to have any resolution about your father. I was in my 30's before I began to understand why my dad was like he was. I used to have a lot of resentment but it was only hurting me. I have let it go so that I can be free.
I have forgiven my dad and I hope to one day see him in heaven.
He always believed in God, even at his worst. Often, after a weekend binge he would sit watching the preaching on television and you could see him crying. I now believe that my dad was mentally ill, possibly bipolar. He self medicated it with alcohol to ease his pain. I have come to understand that his family was very dysfuncional, esp. his father who was abusive and also an alcoholic.
I'm sure a lot of the behavior was learned and the disease inherited.
Later on in his life he did stop drinking because of health reasons.. He mellowed some, but was very depressed. or the other extreme, angry and hostile. He died about 12 years before my mother and for that I am grateful.She had some years of peace.:-)
I don't have a lot of feelings where my dad is concerned, but I've learned to accept that. We never connected much. He and my older brothers were closer. There was about 15 years between my two older brothers and me and my brother that is two years older than me. I think my dad had tremendous guilt and shame about his addiction. He was the black sheep of the family. All of his brothers were successful and he was a plumber, drinking most of his life. My mother said he wasn't like that when they were dating and first married. I sometimes wonder when the illness manifested. She did say that he had always drank pretty heavy, but she thought he would stop once they were married. Our life would have been easier and less painful if he had, but I believe that God had a reason for allowing me to go through that.
I have a good man in my life, Willie, that understand me. and accepts me.He is patient and kind. These are all qualities that my father, son and my late husband where in short supply of. It is wonderful to be treated with dignity, respcet and kindness. Actually, I had a little bit of a hard time thinking I deserved it, but I know that I do. So, I can say that even though things are not perfect, and never will be, that we are very good for one another.
He lets me be me, If I get upset, stressed out, etc. he has learned that it is something I have to work through myself.. and usaully just leaves me be, unless I ask his opinion. That's just part of who i am.... and he never says a word. Well, with on exception. That has been during the times that my son would become abusive. It had reached a point that I was having some flashbacks of father's verbal abuse, and I was not dealing with it well at all.
My son thought I should take care of him,and be his bank, forever.
Will told me that he could not stand seeing me being treated like that, and that I didn't deserve it. I finally agreed with him and now my son is out on his on. Most importantly,Will, my fiance' & I understand and respect one another's differences and have learned to appreciate each other for who we are as individuals instead of trying to change one another, well at least he does..lol I don't think women will ever give that up..lol I try though and am getting better at it.
My issues to day are usually with my grown children.I think I know best, but I don't know what is best for them.I am still figuring out what is best for me. :-) That is my biggest challenge now.
wanted to share some things about my life with you..but didn't mean to write you a book. It helps me to write about it and look back and reflect and see how far God and the 12 step recovery program has brought me. I still slip often, fall off the wagon and let old ughy behaviors take over. But now only for a short time.
I think too much of myself and my loved ones.
Also, I realize that the past has passed, it is gone., the future is yet to come, I really only have one day at a time to live. I try to make an effort to be grateful for something today and have some peace and serentiy even if things don't go my way.. I know life is fleeting, and as the Bible says.. it's like a vapor...
Hopefully, You have many years ahead of you. I am 52, 3 grown children, one, my son, is an addict. That is what got me to this board. I I am glad I have met you and hope that we can continue to post to one another.
Don't ever giive up on yourself. You're worth so much.
Blessings and Peace to you,
Judy
There is no right or wrong about any of this.I understand your reasons, I really do. I hope that ceo does consider his children in all this. Sometimes I don't think addicts are capable of thinking of anyone but themselves until they are clean and have started to experience some mental and emotional healing and begin a spiritual life. There is so much shame in addiction, I think they try to just block a lot of things out.
. I know my dad was not there for me when I was growing up and I was an angry, spiteful teen and on into my twenties I was very selfish and didn't care who I hurt. I felt like I was justified because of what I had been through in my life. That didn't do me any good at all. I was depressed, angry and hated myself. until I started resolving some of the things in my past through therapy and 12 step programs I could't be a decent parent or wife. And..most important, I couldn't be anything to myself until I learned to stop being a judge and jury for everyone and trying to run everybody's life except mne..
Then the focus got on me and I wanted to run like hell. and I did off and on for years when things were too painful to face.
But God always brought me back to a place where I was able to see the things I needed to see and his love was so unconditional that I could not hate or resent or judge anymore. I learned through his spirit to love as unconditionally as I knew how to, the way he loved and accepted me with all my sins and mistakes I had made. It was a relief to know that I could give all that pain to someone and stop holding on to it. The childhood pain, the young adult pain, the pain I suffered as an adult, the depression, anger, rage, shame and on and on..God wanted to take that away.
I remember when I realized that if I just let go and let God in and begin to trust in something bigger than me, it was a turning point in my life.
I am so sorry for your pain and your not being about to have any resolution about your father. I was in my 30's before I began to understand why my dad was like he was. I used to have a lot of resentment but it was only hurting me. I have let it go so that I can be free.
I have forgiven my dad and I hope to one day see him in heaven.
He always believed in God, even at his worst. Often, after a weekend binge he would sit watching the preaching on television and you could see him crying. I now believe that my dad was mentally ill, possibly bipolar. He self medicated it with alcohol to ease his pain. I have come to understand that his family was very dysfuncional, esp. his father who was abusive and also an alcoholic.
I'm sure a lot of the behavior was learned and the disease inherited.
Later on in his life he did stop drinking because of health reasons.. He mellowed some, but was very depressed. or the other extreme, angry and hostile. He died about 12 years before my mother and for that I am grateful.She had some years of peace.:-)
I don't have a lot of feelings where my dad is concerned, but I've learned to accept that. We never connected much. He and my older brothers were closer. There was about 15 years between my two older brothers and me and my brother that is two years older than me. I think my dad had tremendous guilt and shame about his addiction. He was the black sheep of the family. All of his brothers were successful and he was a plumber, drinking most of his life. My mother said he wasn't like that when they were dating and first married. I sometimes wonder when the illness manifested. She did say that he had always drank pretty heavy, but she thought he would stop once they were married. Our life would have been easier and less painful if he had, but I believe that God had a reason for allowing me to go through that.
I have a good man in my life, Willie, that understand me. and accepts me.He is patient and kind. These are all qualities that my father, son and my late husband where in short supply of. It is wonderful to be treated with dignity, respcet and kindness. Actually, I had a little bit of a hard time thinking I deserved it, but I know that I do. So, I can say that even though things are not perfect, and never will be, that we are very good for one another.
He lets me be me, If I get upset, stressed out, etc. he has learned that it is something I have to work through myself.. and usaully just leaves me be, unless I ask his opinion. That's just part of who i am.... and he never says a word. Well, with on exception. That has been during the times that my son would become abusive. It had reached a point that I was having some flashbacks of father's verbal abuse, and I was not dealing with it well at all.
My son thought I should take care of him,and be his bank, forever.
Will told me that he could not stand seeing me being treated like that, and that I didn't deserve it. I finally agreed with him and now my son is out on his on. Most importantly,Will, my fiance' & I understand and respect one another's differences and have learned to appreciate each other for who we are as individuals instead of trying to change one another, well at least he does..lol I don't think women will ever give that up..lol I try though and am getting better at it.
My issues to day are usually with my grown children.I think I know best, but I don't know what is best for them.I am still figuring out what is best for me. :-) That is my biggest challenge now.
wanted to share some things about my life with you..but didn't mean to write you a book. It helps me to write about it and look back and reflect and see how far God and the 12 step recovery program has brought me. I still slip often, fall off the wagon and let old ughy behaviors take over. But now only for a short time.
I think too much of myself and my loved ones.
Also, I realize that the past has passed, it is gone., the future is yet to come, I really only have one day at a time to live. I try to make an effort to be grateful for something today and have some peace and serentiy even if things don't go my way.. I know life is fleeting, and as the Bible says.. it's like a vapor...
Hopefully, You have many years ahead of you. I am 52, 3 grown children, one, my son, is an addict. That is what got me to this board. I I am glad I have met you and hope that we can continue to post to one another.
Don't ever giive up on yourself. You're worth so much.
Blessings and Peace to you,
Judy
Thank you for sharing. My dad died at 50 in 1998. I am still sad as I mentioned. I sit very upset and mad at this disease. I know I am strong and used it before. I am trying to turn my hurt into strength and understanding. But I also need to know when it is okay to be mad and when to say enough is enough!
Jen,
Sorry I haven't replied sooner. Things have been hectic for the past few days. I'm glad you responded to my long post. I hope you will share more with me.
I don't exactly understand what you are going through because I have not walked in your shoes, but I have empathy because I believe that all adult children of alcoholics have similar pain.
Is you mother still alive? Mine died in 98, the year before my husband died. It was like someone cut out my heart and I still grieve, but it does get better.
I am in Ky. I was wondering where you live? I think you said you don't have children. I have 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren.My youngest granddaughter is Jessica, 7 mo. old. She started crawling last week (smile) and she is preciouls. My grandson, Blaze is almost 3, and Katelyn, my oldest granddaughter is almost 9.
I am on disability right now because of some medical problems, but I was in social work and also worked in the school system. I was wondering what kind of work you do and if you have any hobbies. I don't think I have many these days except computering. I used to do more, but don't feel much like it now. I have to take it easy a lot.
Wilie, my boyfreind, that sounds weird because I am 52, lol.. is a comic book and graphic artist, and his work is awesome.. If you ever want to see his work look on
http://mogus-1.tripod.com/
I just thought I would share a little about my life. I have 3 brothers, 1 in CA, one in KY, and one in CO.
I don't see them much. I'm the only girl and the youngest.
I live in Louisville. I think I said that.
Well, I wanted to tell you that I am sorry about your dad and it does take a while to understand and accept things and sometimes things seem unacceptable for a very long time. I hope you will write me again.
Judy
Sorry I haven't replied sooner. Things have been hectic for the past few days. I'm glad you responded to my long post. I hope you will share more with me.
I don't exactly understand what you are going through because I have not walked in your shoes, but I have empathy because I believe that all adult children of alcoholics have similar pain.
Is you mother still alive? Mine died in 98, the year before my husband died. It was like someone cut out my heart and I still grieve, but it does get better.
I am in Ky. I was wondering where you live? I think you said you don't have children. I have 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren.My youngest granddaughter is Jessica, 7 mo. old. She started crawling last week (smile) and she is preciouls. My grandson, Blaze is almost 3, and Katelyn, my oldest granddaughter is almost 9.
I am on disability right now because of some medical problems, but I was in social work and also worked in the school system. I was wondering what kind of work you do and if you have any hobbies. I don't think I have many these days except computering. I used to do more, but don't feel much like it now. I have to take it easy a lot.
Wilie, my boyfreind, that sounds weird because I am 52, lol.. is a comic book and graphic artist, and his work is awesome.. If you ever want to see his work look on
http://mogus-1.tripod.com/
I just thought I would share a little about my life. I have 3 brothers, 1 in CA, one in KY, and one in CO.
I don't see them much. I'm the only girl and the youngest.
I live in Louisville. I think I said that.
Well, I wanted to tell you that I am sorry about your dad and it does take a while to understand and accept things and sometimes things seem unacceptable for a very long time. I hope you will write me again.
Judy
i know how you feel, my husband and i own a business. its i only source of income, my husband is a drug addict. my kids have confronted him about his addiction. they used to be very angry, but now they have learned they can't control it. its ashame they cant have a true father. all he does is sleep, or so wounded up that he does not make sense. we take it one day at a time. and try to better ourselves. but we are doing fine. just try to take care of you.
christine
christine
Christine-Thank you for your note. I own a business as well. I understand your problem. if he is that bad you should see a lawyer to document your issue in the event you want to leave him or he gets upset and wants to leave out of frustration of himself (which could happen though you might not think) in the future.
In any event, my goal is that you get your children into ala-teen or whatover whatever they call it. I am saying this because I saw the red flags and had the common sense and ended up with an addict and my sister the same. You can walk around the disease but you can't totally protect a child from taking it in to their make up. A therapist is not enough. Get the kids to the meetings even if the dad doesnt know. Give them the ammunition not to repeat the problem and if they do it was not because you did not try,
Love,
Jennifer
In any event, my goal is that you get your children into ala-teen or whatover whatever they call it. I am saying this because I saw the red flags and had the common sense and ended up with an addict and my sister the same. You can walk around the disease but you can't totally protect a child from taking it in to their make up. A therapist is not enough. Get the kids to the meetings even if the dad doesnt know. Give them the ammunition not to repeat the problem and if they do it was not because you did not try,
Love,
Jennifer