Ok, I need a little advice. As you may or may not know, my son is currently in jail. He's got multiple charges that he's going to court for... He's been in a month and I'd love to think that he's going to get a nice long stay so he has some lengthy clean time but I doubt it. Of course, in his letters, he's saying that he really doesn't feel like using and wants to quit living his life like this. I know that wanting it isn't enough and he is only clean right now because of being in jail.
Here's my dilemma. His things are at his "friends" apartment, where he was staying, in a sketchy part of town. He's worried about his stuff being there, that he doesn't trust it with his so called friend. He's asked me to go get it but if his things are at my house, he'll think he gets to come here when he gets out. Not to mention, he was living a drug life and breaking the law, this is one of the consequences of that, right? On the other hand, I don't want him to lose all his clothes and stuff. Am I being a b*tch if I say no? Am I coming to the rescue if I say yes?
Thanks,
Michelle
Hi Michelle. Glad to see your back! Hmmm. That's a tough one. I know how you feel about him losing all his clothes and stuff. But I agree with him thinking he is coming to your house when he gets out. Maybe if tell him you will store it for him for now but in no way does it mean he will be coming there when he gets out. Why is he just worrying about it now after a month? Maybe he realizes he may be there a while? When my son was picked up his father went to where he was staying to get his tattoo equipment. The only thing of value he actually has. I personally wouldn't have gone to get it.
Good luck with whatever you decide. It's your decision. No one else's. Let us know what the outcome is.
Hugs!
Lisa
Good luck with whatever you decide. It's your decision. No one else's. Let us know what the outcome is.
Hugs!
Lisa
Shell, i don't think you are being a b**** at all. I personally think it's better if you don't get it. You are absolutely right, it's definitely one of the consequences. we have (almost) all lost things getting clean and or doing time. It's part of the process I suppose. Your son knowing you are willing to do this while he's in would obviously make it much easier on him...making the cycle of use easier. If he was already out and making steps to change that would be a bit different but not a whole lot (in regards to getting his stuff) imo. Yeah he will probably be pissed off..but if he stays clean after getting out he will get over it.. good luck whichever decision you make..
Hi Shell-- I can't count the times my son has lost his "stuff"! He has also sold almost everything he had many times. He doesn't have value on anything.
When I was enabling him, I would go get his things for him and then several months later he would want me to do that again or get him new ones of the things he had lost. Always had a sad story about how everyone ripped him off or stole his stuff! Well--duh! When you live with drug addicts--they do steal!!
Anyway, that was then and I would no longer enable him by getting his "stuff". They need to learn that losing their "stuff" is part of the lifestyle they have chosen and continue to live.
Just my personal opinion--good luck.
When I was enabling him, I would go get his things for him and then several months later he would want me to do that again or get him new ones of the things he had lost. Always had a sad story about how everyone ripped him off or stole his stuff! Well--duh! When you live with drug addicts--they do steal!!
Anyway, that was then and I would no longer enable him by getting his "stuff". They need to learn that losing their "stuff" is part of the lifestyle they have chosen and continue to live.
Just my personal opinion--good luck.
"They need to learn that losing their "stuff" is part of the lifestyle they have chosen and continue to live."
Yes, we have to learn the 'consequences' of our choices.
And the family doesn't need to get caught up in it (unless they choose to)
Yes, we have to learn the 'consequences' of our choices.
And the family doesn't need to get caught up in it (unless they choose to)
Um...how sketchy is sketchy ? I'm thinking there's always someone else he could call...or write..to do that..he didn't get busted dealing so he probably still has a few buddies who would box it....we've all been in jail...we've all lost our crap...more than once..if we didn't sell it...we forgot it ...or just didn't bother ...how much stuff is stuff and how much of it is something he would really miss...bottom line...not your circus...not your monkey....unless you invite it in...
Peace
Con
Peace
Con
Thanks everyone. I think sometimes you have to write stuff down to really get perspective of it. I gave it some more thought and I decided that no, I am not getting any of his stuff.
I visited him today in jail and let him know that I'm not getting it. I gave him one very valid reason and that is that one of his charges is larceny and his friend has a warrant out for him for the exact same charge. I let him know I'm not taking one thing out of that apartment because I have no idea what is stolen. He actually was ok with it.
Unfortunately, I don't think he's ready to stay clean yet. He claims he doesn't need to work a program, all he needs is to really want to stay clean (but says he's attending meetings in jail). And..he said he doesn't want to use heroin but he'll still smoke weed and drink. Yeah, not ready.... He says his lawyer is trying to get him into drug court. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Rehab or jail, it doesn't much matter at this point.
Thanks again.
I visited him today in jail and let him know that I'm not getting it. I gave him one very valid reason and that is that one of his charges is larceny and his friend has a warrant out for him for the exact same charge. I let him know I'm not taking one thing out of that apartment because I have no idea what is stolen. He actually was ok with it.
Unfortunately, I don't think he's ready to stay clean yet. He claims he doesn't need to work a program, all he needs is to really want to stay clean (but says he's attending meetings in jail). And..he said he doesn't want to use heroin but he'll still smoke weed and drink. Yeah, not ready.... He says his lawyer is trying to get him into drug court. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Rehab or jail, it doesn't much matter at this point.
Thanks again.
My son was put in a program for 9 months by the courts
It was a joke. He came out worse.
Keep your head up and stay positive.
Papa and Con...y'all are awesome
PAULA
It was a joke. He came out worse.
Keep your head up and stay positive.
Papa and Con...y'all are awesome
PAULA
Hi Michelle, It's sad that our kid's lives take us to places we would never normally go, like jail for you and drug houses for me. I would leave his stuff where it's at. It's bad enough you have to go visit him in jail without having to run by his old living quarters also. Chances are they are well gone now anyway. Hope your healing up good and taking care of yourself! You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers, your friend. Mary ((Hugs))
Mary,
I'm so glad you didn't stay away. Just remember, we're here to support each other as loved ones of addicts. I'm trying to take away what works for me and leave the rest.
So, it doesn't seem like things are any better with your daughter. How is your granddaughter doing? I'm sure it must get a little confusing to her at times but I'm guessing that even if she doesn't know her mom has drug problems, she knows something isn't quite right with her.
I am definitely not going to get my sons things. Probably half the stuff there is stolen anyway. If he needs clothes when he gets out, he can go to Goodwill. He has 5 different open charges that he hasn't been sentenced for and he has a probation violation so hopefully he'll stay in for awhile but I'm not holding my breath with our judicial system.
I'd love to say my back is healing great but I've had a couple setbacks. I went yesterday to have an MRI done. My doctor thinks I may have herniated a disc below my fusion. I still can't be upright for more than an hour before I have to lay down. Ah, the joys of getting older and not treating my body kindly when I was young. I thought I could lift or do anything back then, lol.
Great to chat with you again.
Michelle
I'm so glad you didn't stay away. Just remember, we're here to support each other as loved ones of addicts. I'm trying to take away what works for me and leave the rest.
So, it doesn't seem like things are any better with your daughter. How is your granddaughter doing? I'm sure it must get a little confusing to her at times but I'm guessing that even if she doesn't know her mom has drug problems, she knows something isn't quite right with her.
I am definitely not going to get my sons things. Probably half the stuff there is stolen anyway. If he needs clothes when he gets out, he can go to Goodwill. He has 5 different open charges that he hasn't been sentenced for and he has a probation violation so hopefully he'll stay in for awhile but I'm not holding my breath with our judicial system.
I'd love to say my back is healing great but I've had a couple setbacks. I went yesterday to have an MRI done. My doctor thinks I may have herniated a disc below my fusion. I still can't be upright for more than an hour before I have to lay down. Ah, the joys of getting older and not treating my body kindly when I was young. I thought I could lift or do anything back then, lol.
Great to chat with you again.
Michelle
Hi Shell, Thats a shame about your back. How do you think that happened? Was it lifting little Teddy? I'm sure it's frustrating for you especially when your used to being on the go. I think our younger years are catching up with all of us. I too lifted things I shouldn't have when I was younger. I hope it's not a herniated disk, you've been through enough with this fusion. My GD is doing great. She only sees her mom when she's "normal". She is kept busy with school sport activities and as happy as the day is long. Living with her gramp and I is normal for her as we've had her so long that it's all she knows now. Plus grandkids living with their grandparents is pretty common nowadays, there's another girl in her class living with her GPs too! So that helps. My daughter is okay for one week and on a binge for a couple of days the next. She lives with one of her friends and says they both go to NA meetings and wants to get off methadone. It's all up to her, it's her life. I liked how Con puts it, not my circus, not my monkey. I like to see and hope our friends on here are all doing well and I missed chatting with you. I worry where Sue is at, I don't see any posts from her. Has she not been on? I hope she's alright as I know how she worries a lot when she doesn't hear from her son. It's all heartbreaking if we allow ourselves too much time to think. Even in jail I know you still worry. I would too! At least you know he is away from drugs and safe. This heroin that's on the streets just now here is laced with fentanyl. Its killing people. Such a worry! Sending you strength and hugs Michelle to help you through the frustration with your back. Don't push yourself too much and follow the doctors orders! Your friend Mary((Hugs))
Hi Mary/MIchelle,
Thank you so much for asking about me. I haven't posted because there isn't anything to say that hasn't been said. My son is missing. I heard from him once he wanted money for a car. I said no. I asked what was your g/f arrested for. He said she wasn't how did I hear that. Hmm fb . So he hung up and it's been two months again. He has a warrant on his head so if he gets caught min 5 years which in the end will be a blessing.
I am glad you have your g/d . My youngest son is making me a grammy in March so something good to look for. I had a horrible dream that drug dealers broke into his house looking for his brother.
Sorry your daughter isn't doing better. But at least you get to see her.
Michelle,
From what my son told me, you can get drugs in jail. He would go to the infirmary get drugs and sell them for other drugs. He also worked in kitchen, I would tell you some of the things he told me he gave away for drugs.
Drug court is a waste of money. My friend son's was sentence there for 18 months, then went to hwh, he lost his battle with drugs at 35.
Only benefit on them being in jail. 1) you get peace 2) they are getting feed 3) they have a roof over their head4) they are not robbing hard working people of their property.
Does this help probably not? HoweverI was glad when my son was in jail. I could find him now I don't know where he is. He told me he wants back to Florida we will see.
I am so glad to see you girls, I miss you. I need just to write down my feelings when they get to strong and I've no one to tell about them.
XX love to you both, god bless
Sue
Thank you so much for asking about me. I haven't posted because there isn't anything to say that hasn't been said. My son is missing. I heard from him once he wanted money for a car. I said no. I asked what was your g/f arrested for. He said she wasn't how did I hear that. Hmm fb . So he hung up and it's been two months again. He has a warrant on his head so if he gets caught min 5 years which in the end will be a blessing.
I am glad you have your g/d . My youngest son is making me a grammy in March so something good to look for. I had a horrible dream that drug dealers broke into his house looking for his brother.
Sorry your daughter isn't doing better. But at least you get to see her.
Michelle,
From what my son told me, you can get drugs in jail. He would go to the infirmary get drugs and sell them for other drugs. He also worked in kitchen, I would tell you some of the things he told me he gave away for drugs.
Drug court is a waste of money. My friend son's was sentence there for 18 months, then went to hwh, he lost his battle with drugs at 35.
Only benefit on them being in jail. 1) you get peace 2) they are getting feed 3) they have a roof over their head4) they are not robbing hard working people of their property.
Does this help probably not? HoweverI was glad when my son was in jail. I could find him now I don't know where he is. He told me he wants back to Florida we will see.
I am so glad to see you girls, I miss you. I need just to write down my feelings when they get to strong and I've no one to tell about them.
XX love to you both, god bless
Sue
Good to see you Sue!! I haven't been on here in a while but then when I did come on I didnt see you and was hoping you were doing alright. I'm sorry you haven't heard from your son again. Seems like it's every few months before he thinks of calling you. All you can do is hope he's doing okay. It's terrible! What a worry! That's great you have a little grand baby coming in March though. It will give you something happy to look forward to and hopefully take your mind off your son. It's good we all have each other on here to lean on. It's what keeps us sane I think. Well you take care Sue and stay strong! God bless. Mary
