Hi All,
Have never user a chat line or a message board before but have gotten to the stage where I have no other options left.
I've been in a relationship with my fiance for a while now, Never been happier with a guy since I've started dating. However about 7-8 months ago i found out that he's previously been addicted to cannabis and also been a heavy user of other more serious drugs. He promised me that he had stopped because he realized that there was no point in it anymore and that he didn't want it affecting our relationship.
About 4-5 months ago i found out that he has Began smoking spliff and bongs again behind my back, he told me he was only going to do it once every couple of weeks, and I agreeed that it was his personal choice and that provided it never affected me or my relationship with him that I would be okay with it. A week later he started doing it more often and then after about 2 weeeks he'd smoke up to 7-8 bongs daily.
He's addicted now and smoking a couple of grams a week, it has affected the way he treats me. He's turned violent towards me(especially when he runs out of it) and is constantly going days or weeks without speakign to me, returning my calls or msging me. I'm so scared of what's happenign to our rrelationship, he has abused me once already (was very high and had run out of money and of weed). I love him so much but don't know how to help him. I'm worried that if he doesn't get help soon with his addiction then he'll become more agressive and the abuse will become more frequent.
The past month, his little mood swings have turned to depression and we don't talk anymore, i've only seen him not stoned once and he was so agressive towards me and so apathetic we spilt for a while.
I'm only 23 and dont believe that i deserve to put up with this abuse, but I love him and don't want to just abandom him. I've read up about the drug (i've only taken it a few times myself and don't like it) and can't find any information that might help. If anyone has any advice, please, please help me.
First and formeost, you should copy this message and paste it on the friends qnd family forum of this board. The focus here is more on the addict than on those in his life. I am an addict, and as such I only understand this issue from the perspective of an addict. Bear in mind that this means that I understand where the addict is coming from, and am probably more compassionate toward addicts than they deserve.
Your finance is a drug addict. At this point, it is clear that he has chosen to foresake the clean scene and it is anyone's guess as to whether or not he will stop with pot. Many addicts do not; they escalate to harder drugs when the pot ceases to work.
My guess is that you already khow what I am going to tell you next. Addicts cannot be reached, they cannot be helped until they choose to quit on thier own. You cannot love an addict to sobriety. If you choose to stay with this person, I can promise you no end of heartache. The drug use and the abuse will escalate, and slowly, your self esteem will begin to diminish until you actually start believing that you deserve to be treated so badly. You will always know that your husband has a mistress that he will most likely never leave, and playing second fiddle to a bong and a bag of dope is no way to live.
You are young and you have your entire life ahead of you. My advice, and I state this will as much compassion for the addicts out there as one can imagine, is to run far, run fast, and do not look back. When he begs and pleads for you to return, and he will, when he promises you that this time he as quit for good, tell him to check back with you after he as at least two years sober. No matter ho profuse the promises, no matter how sincere he sounds, do not back down on this. Believe me, you will regret it if you do.
Sorry to rain on your parade, but I think it best that you hear it straight from the horse's mouth.
Good luck.
August
Your finance is a drug addict. At this point, it is clear that he has chosen to foresake the clean scene and it is anyone's guess as to whether or not he will stop with pot. Many addicts do not; they escalate to harder drugs when the pot ceases to work.
My guess is that you already khow what I am going to tell you next. Addicts cannot be reached, they cannot be helped until they choose to quit on thier own. You cannot love an addict to sobriety. If you choose to stay with this person, I can promise you no end of heartache. The drug use and the abuse will escalate, and slowly, your self esteem will begin to diminish until you actually start believing that you deserve to be treated so badly. You will always know that your husband has a mistress that he will most likely never leave, and playing second fiddle to a bong and a bag of dope is no way to live.
You are young and you have your entire life ahead of you. My advice, and I state this will as much compassion for the addicts out there as one can imagine, is to run far, run fast, and do not look back. When he begs and pleads for you to return, and he will, when he promises you that this time he as quit for good, tell him to check back with you after he as at least two years sober. No matter ho profuse the promises, no matter how sincere he sounds, do not back down on this. Believe me, you will regret it if you do.
Sorry to rain on your parade, but I think it best that you hear it straight from the horse's mouth.
Good luck.
August
Hi Uni girl
I know exactly how you feel! But on the otherhand i can relate to your fiance. I'm an occasional drug user, cannabis, ecy's,coke and speed.
I've been with this guy for a little while now...not all that long, we're not in a very serious rrelationship but recently(only the past month or so) he's increased his usage . I've never had a problem with drugs or ppl that take them, i know a lot of ppl that have addictions, wether it's to weed, depressents, sleeping pills or just grog. I myself have had some minor problems with alcohol consumption, i used to get very depressed and couldn't turn to anyone or anything else so turned to alcohol.
I don't know if this will help you at all, and I agree with augustwhen he said you should try the family and friends board (i've only been reading these today but a lot of the posts on that page and helped me) but i'll tell you anyways.
My partner i think is an addict, he is also very depressed at the moment, I can't seem to help him with stopping the weed or with coping with life in general. I'm not a very strong person so i find i'm completely lost. I love him and I know you love your fiance but I think you need to understand that someone with an addiction can't be helped unless they want to help themselves.
I know you worry about him and it a concern that he's staring to become violent towards you, no one deserves to be beaten. I'm a firm believer that violence is never the answer. But on the other hand, you may not like weed or alcohol or the efffect it has on you but try to understand that sometimes ppl feel that they need it. It relaxs you, makes problems seem a little easier to cope with. I try to be very tolerable and support of my b/f, i know i'm not alll the time but I try to...I'm not dependent on drugs but i do feel at times that i just need it, to make things easier to deal with. So i can just sit there with mates and not think, not stress and not worry.
If he has raised his hand to you once...don't you think that a sign that maybe you need a break even if it's just for yourself. To sort yourself out and think about wether you are ready to life the rest of your life with an addict, because it's definately a possibilty. Addictions of any kind are very very hard to break.
Just think about it and read some of the posts both on this board and on the family and frineds page.
I think my partner and I are actually finished now...I love him so much but he's shut me out. I know it's hard....he won't even speak to me at the moment...I'm hoping that if I give him some space then maybe he'll come back to me...I don't think i can cope without him, I feel without him that's somethings missing in my life. His drug usage does affect the way he treats me...but only in the fact that he's never motivated to actually go out with me or see me...drugs do that and I try to be as understanding as possible but I also understand how you could be feeling. Take care and I hope things so well
Just remember, if only 23! If your at uni then you probably have plans for life and your future, don't give up on them. I'm glad I read your post, I could relate to soo much that you said! although my situation seem so minor in comparison to yours. My b/f has gottten mad at me maybe once or twice, never hit me however sometimes the weed makes him very distant. And just lettign yyou know, we've only beeen together 7 months but his usage started out the exact same way...he said it would only be once a month or so, nowdays he can smoke any where from 3 to 10 a day. Just hang in there...and leave some posts...seems like there are a lot of ppl out there go through similar emotions as yourself.
I know exactly how you feel! But on the otherhand i can relate to your fiance. I'm an occasional drug user, cannabis, ecy's,coke and speed.
I've been with this guy for a little while now...not all that long, we're not in a very serious rrelationship but recently(only the past month or so) he's increased his usage . I've never had a problem with drugs or ppl that take them, i know a lot of ppl that have addictions, wether it's to weed, depressents, sleeping pills or just grog. I myself have had some minor problems with alcohol consumption, i used to get very depressed and couldn't turn to anyone or anything else so turned to alcohol.
I don't know if this will help you at all, and I agree with augustwhen he said you should try the family and friends board (i've only been reading these today but a lot of the posts on that page and helped me) but i'll tell you anyways.
My partner i think is an addict, he is also very depressed at the moment, I can't seem to help him with stopping the weed or with coping with life in general. I'm not a very strong person so i find i'm completely lost. I love him and I know you love your fiance but I think you need to understand that someone with an addiction can't be helped unless they want to help themselves.
I know you worry about him and it a concern that he's staring to become violent towards you, no one deserves to be beaten. I'm a firm believer that violence is never the answer. But on the other hand, you may not like weed or alcohol or the efffect it has on you but try to understand that sometimes ppl feel that they need it. It relaxs you, makes problems seem a little easier to cope with. I try to be very tolerable and support of my b/f, i know i'm not alll the time but I try to...I'm not dependent on drugs but i do feel at times that i just need it, to make things easier to deal with. So i can just sit there with mates and not think, not stress and not worry.
If he has raised his hand to you once...don't you think that a sign that maybe you need a break even if it's just for yourself. To sort yourself out and think about wether you are ready to life the rest of your life with an addict, because it's definately a possibilty. Addictions of any kind are very very hard to break.
Just think about it and read some of the posts both on this board and on the family and frineds page.
I think my partner and I are actually finished now...I love him so much but he's shut me out. I know it's hard....he won't even speak to me at the moment...I'm hoping that if I give him some space then maybe he'll come back to me...I don't think i can cope without him, I feel without him that's somethings missing in my life. His drug usage does affect the way he treats me...but only in the fact that he's never motivated to actually go out with me or see me...drugs do that and I try to be as understanding as possible but I also understand how you could be feeling. Take care and I hope things so well
Just remember, if only 23! If your at uni then you probably have plans for life and your future, don't give up on them. I'm glad I read your post, I could relate to soo much that you said! although my situation seem so minor in comparison to yours. My b/f has gottten mad at me maybe once or twice, never hit me however sometimes the weed makes him very distant. And just lettign yyou know, we've only beeen together 7 months but his usage started out the exact same way...he said it would only be once a month or so, nowdays he can smoke any where from 3 to 10 a day. Just hang in there...and leave some posts...seems like there are a lot of ppl out there go through similar emotions as yourself.
uni girl, there are many of us here that share and have shared your questions, feelings and thoughts.
we have, at some time in our lives, been addicted to a substance, thing or activity, or are or have been in love with someone addicted to a substance, thing, or activity, or we have in fact been addicted to someone who is addicted to a substance, thing or activity.
thanks for sharing and thanks for coming here for help and answers. many of us help ourselves and our conditions by helping others with these questions as posters seek answers for themselves.
please feel free to join us at this website at the Families/Partners of Addicts board. we don't have all the answers -- neither do the professionals -- but perhaps the experiences or knowledge of others will help with answers to your immediate question.
we have, at some time in our lives, been addicted to a substance, thing or activity, or are or have been in love with someone addicted to a substance, thing, or activity, or we have in fact been addicted to someone who is addicted to a substance, thing or activity.
thanks for sharing and thanks for coming here for help and answers. many of us help ourselves and our conditions by helping others with these questions as posters seek answers for themselves.
please feel free to join us at this website at the Families/Partners of Addicts board. we don't have all the answers -- neither do the professionals -- but perhaps the experiences or knowledge of others will help with answers to your immediate question.
