I like everyone have the things that haunt me. I remember 2004 living with other addicts in this house that was full of river rats. I was nodded out on the floor i could feel rats running over me i was to high to get up.
I remember telling my 5 and 7 year old "at the time" i was going to the store they needed to wait for me at the house. I was going to meet my man he was late... i was gone more then a hour. I LEFT THEM ALL ALONE. My bf's mom at the time showed up at the house. She put my kids in her car went to find me. She kinda knew where i'ld be. She smacked in front of kids cussed me out.
I remember waiting for my 2 day withdraw so i could start the methadone clinic my mom screamed at me she hoped i did die if i used again she could not take it anymore.
I remember being in the hospital waiting to know if i'ld lose my arm "from infection" I had a check i needed to cash my boyfriend at the time unhooked my i.v tubes we left the hospital to go cash my check score dope. I cashed a ckeck in hospial pants and a gown with a i.v needle in my arm. Used my i.v needle to shoot up in went back to the hospital.
I remember a time i had my bf's money he was waiting on the cornor for me. I got $50.00 in dope his money. I RAN down a alley did it all without him. I thought the bag looked to small to share.
My roomie and i did not want to go home and share we got a dirty water bottle out of the TRASH rised it out at a water fountion filled it up with water went behind a building and shoot up shared needle used the water from that bottle that was in the TRASH.
I remember finding my daughter playing with my needle she was 6.
I remember the day i lost my kids I was crying as soon as i soot up i was fine i remember feeling nothing about it.
I remember I was a junkie.
Z77,
THANK YOU for that post! No matter the pain, place, or time we all have our own story/confessions and thank you(again)for sharing yours. ATB!
THANK YOU for that post! No matter the pain, place, or time we all have our own story/confessions and thank you(again)for sharing yours. ATB!
wow--yeah thanks for reminding me i sometimes forget all that crap--i did the same things--doesnt mean your a bad person--even the pope would do the same to get the sickness away--we have a disease--talking with others and working with other addicts is the cure--i spoke with a man yesterday on the phone at work ( complaints specialist with the better business bureau) he wanted to know how to get a bank to stop charging him for the 13,000 dollars his son stole out of his account--i coulndt help but get nosy--my first ? was--ishe a on drugs--the guy almost broke down--he had let his son back in his home after getting out of prisaon and his son stole all his savings--he was heartbroken--i let him know that it is not his son doing this butt the addiction, BUT he had to prosecute and do the tough love thing--i let him know by the end of the conversation that he's not alone--I did the ssame thing to my dad and now im clean and sober and doing ok--it is possible--he wasnt angry just hurt and worried and lost as to what to do--i heard what my dad and family felt it killed me--i made so many excuses as to why it was ok and blamed them for my problems--today i TRY to take care of them and one day i hope to be able to return the love and forgiveness and strength that has been given to me---its not confessions of a junkie its confessions of a REFORMED junkie luvya
Wow I found this post very touching. Look how far you have come and how you can confess to what you have done, and open up and share your story with everyone.
Kevin was reading it over my shoulder....I said take note. You nearly always seem to loose everything before you get back up and he said...well I aint lost it all...I said yeh but its coming. His face dropped. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it but again I have found the strength and I am plodding along, enjoying things again and beginning to get things back to the way they should be.
He wont always be as lucky and one day soon he is going to get a BIG BIG SHOCK.
Anyway thanks for sharing your post with us....loved it.
Lynds xx
Kevin was reading it over my shoulder....I said take note. You nearly always seem to loose everything before you get back up and he said...well I aint lost it all...I said yeh but its coming. His face dropped. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it but again I have found the strength and I am plodding along, enjoying things again and beginning to get things back to the way they should be.
He wont always be as lucky and one day soon he is going to get a BIG BIG SHOCK.
Anyway thanks for sharing your post with us....loved it.
Lynds xx
ZG, that was some read, thanks for sharing that. The things we do, eh?It's the devil in disguise that smack. Take it easy, Kev
Wow! It takes alot of courage to even remember some of the stuff we've done. (I know I block alot of crap out.) It really takes courage to put it out there! We've all been there, girl.We're in a position now, though to help others with our stories. (if nothing else, just to show them that they are not alone) We all pretty much have the same story. I don't know if I'm making any sense or not. I try to sound intelligent! :) Anyway, You've got balls. (that's a compliment, by the way) :)
I found this really moving too...tear-jerking actually. Sean suffers from terminal uniqueness...can't own up to these things...guess that's why you've come so far and he's still using. Very proud of your tremendous courage ZG.
Much love, Maddy x
Much love, Maddy x
TY guys those are just a few of the many things that bug me about myself. You know i just woke up today i was dreaming i downtown looking for a ATM machine to go get some dope.
ZG - Thank you for that snapshot of your FORMER life. How amazing that you are in such a radically different place now and that your story can give hope to others struggling with addictions they think can't be beat. Hold your head high and walk proudly as you raise your children and live your life. Wow.
Peace~MomNMore
PS How's your daughter doing?
Peace~MomNMore
PS How's your daughter doing?
WOW, ZG thank you for bringing us all back. You are one tough chica to even put it all in words to share.
You give people HOPE. You give people STRENGTH.
Look at where you are NOW. You're an amazing wife, and friend, and daughter and sister. Most importantly you're a caring, selfless, and amazing mother.
P.S. How's your lil bro?
You give people HOPE. You give people STRENGTH.
Look at where you are NOW. You're an amazing wife, and friend, and daughter and sister. Most importantly you're a caring, selfless, and amazing mother.
P.S. How's your lil bro?
ZG
Good that you've come to terms with a past life that was harrowing. Im sure we all can relate to the deceit, the neglect of ourselves & our kids, and the overall pain of trying to escape the lifestyle.
muchrepect to you *
jack
MomNmore
What up with that SOX stuff???
Jack- NYNY
Good that you've come to terms with a past life that was harrowing. Im sure we all can relate to the deceit, the neglect of ourselves & our kids, and the overall pain of trying to escape the lifestyle.
muchrepect to you *
jack
MomNmore
What up with that SOX stuff???
Jack- NYNY
oh hg..........this post touched a nerve.......a sore nerve.........read it yesterday and havent been able to get it out of my mind............forst off major props to you..........I have over 3 yrs clean and already you have surpassed me.......you see what you wrote is basically part of the 4th step........a step i have yet to conquer and personally dont ever want to........I cant even go there........to voice out loud all that i have done.........hurts so so damn bad, so much shame there...my memories come in bits and pieces.......and each one hurts as much as the last......so much of what is wrong today in mylife and wiht my family is a direct result of my addiction and i must live with that every day.not that I dont acknowledge all the harm i have done.......but cannot bear to voice it........only to myself.....which is enough.......often i cry in my car driving......and yesterday was thinking of your post crying, thinking oh how i used to be....happy so full of life...carefree..a joy deep inside me...my addiction and all the harm i did to others took that away..........I mean I am not sad, laugh, have fun......but will never be like b4, and sadly neither will those i love..........thanks for the post........you rock..........and i am so proud of you
I don't know if this will help at all, probably not, but here goes...
I know I have only been involved in the life of an addict for a matter of months, not years...and the pain I have gone through does not compare to the pain that many others here have suffered...but I would not change a moment of what has happened over the last few months...well I would change what has happened to Sean...he would be clean and getting on with a more positive life, he would be happier than he is now (which is really not at all)...but I wouldn't change what I have been through. I have, I believe, become a better person...stronger, more appreciative of life and the little things that bring me joy.
Why am I saying this? I guess because I hope that your loved ones feel this way too...of course they would prefer not to have been in pain...but if they believe that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are today and that where we are is where we're meant to be...oh I don't know...this is not coming out right. I wanted to give you a comforting thought that the pain you feel you have caused may not be ALL bad...but I can't say it so that it makes sense...
Also...knowing an addict who cannot yet get clean...puts me in awe of those of you who are in recovery...you are amazing...truly amazing.
I know I have only been involved in the life of an addict for a matter of months, not years...and the pain I have gone through does not compare to the pain that many others here have suffered...but I would not change a moment of what has happened over the last few months...well I would change what has happened to Sean...he would be clean and getting on with a more positive life, he would be happier than he is now (which is really not at all)...but I wouldn't change what I have been through. I have, I believe, become a better person...stronger, more appreciative of life and the little things that bring me joy.
Why am I saying this? I guess because I hope that your loved ones feel this way too...of course they would prefer not to have been in pain...but if they believe that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are today and that where we are is where we're meant to be...oh I don't know...this is not coming out right. I wanted to give you a comforting thought that the pain you feel you have caused may not be ALL bad...but I can't say it so that it makes sense...
Also...knowing an addict who cannot yet get clean...puts me in awe of those of you who are in recovery...you are amazing...truly amazing.
Sorry it has taken 4ever to get back to this post. Momnmore my daughters okay she's just super stressful on my nerves lol. Bryn my lil bro same ol' same i guess. He don't know nothing but, being high. Tres i feel real bad you had such a emotional time the other day. Sometimes we are our worst enemy the guilt eats me alive also. My old life bugs me a lot...... more so when my kids will say something like, mom do you remember this? it will be something crappy like when we had no food you cooked eggs for diner. Poor kids there is so much i wish they had not had to go thru because of me.
I do live totally diffrent now. I feel like i cheated everything i have i have because of my fiance. The only thing i have acually done is NOT DONE DOPE big whoop huh?. I have a cool car get vacations nice place to live NONE OF IS MINE!. I've been real down over the fact everything i own that is mine was acually a gift from the fiance. The nice stuff in the house is all his. I've not done crap but, ride off him i'm pretty annoyed about it.
TODAY i started job hunting i'm looking to get a 3rd shift job So he can be home with the kids. If we split tommorw i'ld have nothing I got to do something about that. I don't like the situation of feeling tied down to him. I need a J.O.B i'm sober but, i'm not doing anything worthwhile. I'm not very good at the homemaker thing either i miss having a job Robbie is almost 10 months old now it's time to get out the house 4 me.
I do live totally diffrent now. I feel like i cheated everything i have i have because of my fiance. The only thing i have acually done is NOT DONE DOPE big whoop huh?. I have a cool car get vacations nice place to live NONE OF IS MINE!. I've been real down over the fact everything i own that is mine was acually a gift from the fiance. The nice stuff in the house is all his. I've not done crap but, ride off him i'm pretty annoyed about it.
TODAY i started job hunting i'm looking to get a 3rd shift job So he can be home with the kids. If we split tommorw i'ld have nothing I got to do something about that. I don't like the situation of feeling tied down to him. I need a J.O.B i'm sober but, i'm not doing anything worthwhile. I'm not very good at the homemaker thing either i miss having a job Robbie is almost 10 months old now it's time to get out the house 4 me.
Sorry to hijack for a minute ZG - See you and your pinstripes at the ballbark Jack... =) Here's hoping anyway...
The ONLY thing you did was get off the dope? That's big ZG. And the homemaker thing ain't small either. We're proud of you and so should you be. Jobhunting is a good idea though...but take it one day at a time.
Good luck!
Maddy x
Good luck!
Maddy x
ZG, you posts often make me cry, i just want to give you a big hug. I think its good that you get things things out, but you are way to hard on yourself, plus you said the only thing you did was not score....how big is that...so big there are not words. There are a million addicts out there that have everything (materiallistically) and who have a network of support and love and help and they still use.....to find the strength to get clean and stay clean can only come from you yourself, the addict....you have done this and you should be so proud of yourself, you have come a long way. But i do understand and think its a good idea for you to get work and earn your own money and have a little independence. Plus have a life outside of the house, a sober life and a chance to meet new people, even if they don't become great friends, it's interaction with other adults, there is nothing worse than being stuck in the house. Are you still thinking of pursuing nursing? Isn't that what you wanted to do? but I can't remember what you decided to do about that. How about the diet too....you still going well on that?
Sashab: ty for the reply . I GOT A JOB!. Acually i got hired at two places. 1st i got hired at Mc Donalds however they only pay $6.85 i only worked there 2 days it totally SUCKED!!!!!!!!. On my 1st day there i got a call back to a nursing home to do housekeeping. After work i went to the interview I GOT HIRED at the nursing home they start at $8.25 + a rise after 60 days after one year one weeks paid vacation and 6 sick days a year. Mc Job offers a rise after 6 months no sick days. I had to go get a tb test drug test and a police check and a psycial from a doc to work at the nursing home. I have to do a orination on the 10th. So because of all the hoops i had to jump thru to get a better job i quit mc donalds to get all the stuff done. We got my fiances grandmother to watch the kids 4 days a week for about 1.5 hours that is the time over lap betwen when he leaves i get home.
I could not have done my mc job to long i only started there till something better came along. My fiances mom is a STNA state tested nurse at this nursing home she put in a good word for me.
It's not the best job it's pretty much cleaning moping taking out trash but, it beats cooking for mc D's for less money!. I wanna work anyway i lose my mind in the house with 3 kids day in and day out. it's not nursing however it's sort of a step i do get to talk to the elderly clean their rooms and hopefully be benifit to someone who gets no family visits. My mother in law started there as housekeep before she got her stna.
I could not have done my mc job to long i only started there till something better came along. My fiances mom is a STNA state tested nurse at this nursing home she put in a good word for me.
It's not the best job it's pretty much cleaning moping taking out trash but, it beats cooking for mc D's for less money!. I wanna work anyway i lose my mind in the house with 3 kids day in and day out. it's not nursing however it's sort of a step i do get to talk to the elderly clean their rooms and hopefully be benifit to someone who gets no family visits. My mother in law started there as housekeep before she got her stna.
Congratulations on the job ZG!
Um, that wouldn't be your little man dressed up as a pumpkin in your avatar? He's so adorable!
Um, that wouldn't be your little man dressed up as a pumpkin in your avatar? He's so adorable!
Zg......big up yerself on the job front....you really deserve it and you have come so,so far....from water rats to nurseing home a great struggle but ya came out on top and now you will have yer own$$$...and the independce that gives.Fairplay to ya and all the best for yer future job........Davey
