Even though I am a recovering Spode, and I have heard one important feature of recovery is honesty, I find in the course of my life it is necessary to lie often. I don't know, perhaps it is somewhat justifiable from an NA viewpoint (If I understand this correctly, NA is real big on truthfullness) would be the other concept of NA , which deals with, I believe, making amends as long as by doing so it won't cause harm to you or anyone else.
Last night my wife & I were arguing about something. Usually, I take the easy way out in these situations. I just tell her shes right & I'm sorry. But every now & then I toy with the idea of actually defending myself- even though i know the consequences will be hours of endless talking & debating ,etc, etc.
Well last night was one of those nights when i decided to stand up for myself. She came up with this classic: "one of the signs ofbeing a drug addict is denial & blaming other people." (the fact that i'm defending myself & explaining things from my point of view is irrelevant, what is imprtant is that since im an "addict" whatever i say is not valid, it's the effect of the drugs i used to use putting me in denial.)
As a recovering addict, Ifind it is often much easier to simply lie. Otherwise that suspicion, misjudgement, etc, accompanies you wherever you go: Including the pharmacy, the Drs office, work, etc. If you are sick , your boss immediately thinks about a relapse---etc, etc.
Life is easier if the people you are dealing with
never associated you with any phase of addiction (except maybe, in some cases alcohal, which though much more destructive then most drugs, still seems to be more acceptable)
Agreed, people manipulate by nature, give them tools and youre screwed.
I say do what you are doing STAND UP FOR YOURSELF and tell her it isnt because you are justifying stuff because you are an addict. It is because your head is clearer now and you have the state of mind to defend yourself. Let her know her mind games arent going to work because you dont want to play.
I say do what you are doing STAND UP FOR YOURSELF and tell her it isnt because you are justifying stuff because you are an addict. It is because your head is clearer now and you have the state of mind to defend yourself. Let her know her mind games arent going to work because you dont want to play.
thought I agree Dog with your primice of the "it is easier to lie" thing and the "everybody jumps the conclusions when I tell the truth anyway so why bother" thing but by abusing drugs and being chronic relapsers that some of us are and making the rest be pigeon holed into a category of the stereotype of the lying scheming addict that is the price we pay for being an addict and though it may be easier to lie and not stand up for yourself or have debates or explain that what you are doing is not being in denial but in fact talking with a clear head and out of a need to be understood and a need to get understanding not a need for justification.
This is the price we pay... and the choice we sometimes have to make is while we may want to be in recovery are we gonna be in recovery and work for our credibilty back by staying clean and being consistant with our truth... by being honest and working hard and getting honest daily we eventually will over come these barriers and stereotypes but it doesnt happen over night and one time of lying or relapsing takes a person back months of good stuff so it isnt perportionate to the crime if you will but that is the way it is.... but again we put ourselves in the boat..
so if you keep lying and justifiying you might be clean but where are the rewards for being clean.. some might say why bother being clean if they think I am not...? and btw... I sometimes think that people are thinking 'she is using again' or 'she is lying, i know she is'... I get paranoid... that is my thing sometimes.. just thought i would throw that in there....lol..
just my 3 cents...
Teresa
This is the price we pay... and the choice we sometimes have to make is while we may want to be in recovery are we gonna be in recovery and work for our credibilty back by staying clean and being consistant with our truth... by being honest and working hard and getting honest daily we eventually will over come these barriers and stereotypes but it doesnt happen over night and one time of lying or relapsing takes a person back months of good stuff so it isnt perportionate to the crime if you will but that is the way it is.... but again we put ourselves in the boat..
so if you keep lying and justifiying you might be clean but where are the rewards for being clean.. some might say why bother being clean if they think I am not...? and btw... I sometimes think that people are thinking 'she is using again' or 'she is lying, i know she is'... I get paranoid... that is my thing sometimes.. just thought i would throw that in there....lol..
just my 3 cents...
Teresa
Dog,
If I were you I would print out your post and show it to her when you are both in a clear state of mind not debating about something. Explain to her that now that you are clean your mind is much clearer, and you can discuss (yea and debate) things much more consisely and clearly. For me I felt great on drugs you know that high so if my husband got mad about something I was all " oh thats ok whatever" I never even felt the need to defend or rationalize my side to him, Do you find you did that too? And now low and behold you actually want to defend yourself NO!!!!
I do give you a lot of credit,because I did not tell anyone of my addiction, Is that good or bad??? I don't know but it is the way I had to do it for me. Now you need to make your wife undestand that you may see things differently now that you are straight. Good luck
Ro
If I were you I would print out your post and show it to her when you are both in a clear state of mind not debating about something. Explain to her that now that you are clean your mind is much clearer, and you can discuss (yea and debate) things much more consisely and clearly. For me I felt great on drugs you know that high so if my husband got mad about something I was all " oh thats ok whatever" I never even felt the need to defend or rationalize my side to him, Do you find you did that too? And now low and behold you actually want to defend yourself NO!!!!
I do give you a lot of credit,because I did not tell anyone of my addiction, Is that good or bad??? I don't know but it is the way I had to do it for me. Now you need to make your wife undestand that you may see things differently now that you are straight. Good luck
Ro
I heard this at a meeting yesterday:
If it isn't true, kind or productive, than it's better to keep your mouth shut.
The 11th step is all about making amends to those we have harmed unless to do so will hurt them.
So if it's going to hurt them or me, why rock the boat?
hmmmmm
Cowgirl
If it isn't true, kind or productive, than it's better to keep your mouth shut.
The 11th step is all about making amends to those we have harmed unless to do so will hurt them.
So if it's going to hurt them or me, why rock the boat?
hmmmmm
Cowgirl
cowgirl, isn't that the 9th? I used to mix them up all the time..the 11th is improving our conscious contact with God..
Dog, I couldn't agree with you more. That is why I keep my mouth shut. Even the pill dr (over 300 vics a month with a smile...the when I admit I needed off, I am treated like a freak...) treats me like I am 'UNSTABLE"
I try to keep it all a big secret...unless you are one of us...
Keala, you hit it RIGHT ON THE HEAD.
Kerry the addict (sssshhhhh, don't tell)
Dog, I couldn't agree with you more. That is why I keep my mouth shut. Even the pill dr (over 300 vics a month with a smile...the when I admit I needed off, I am treated like a freak...) treats me like I am 'UNSTABLE"
I try to keep it all a big secret...unless you are one of us...
Keala, you hit it RIGHT ON THE HEAD.
Kerry the addict (sssshhhhh, don't tell)
Dear Dog,
Sorry to hear that your a little upset...It will pass, just like a bowel movement..
I don't think it's a good idea to just stuff what you have to say and agree..I have done that most of my life and Believe Me, although Everyone around me seemed relatively happy I wasn't..
You know what Dog..I really don't care what I have been , or what I have done,,or just what some or most people think...It's My Life Now,,and My World.
I ate Everybodys Sh*t for so damn long,just to keep peace and you know what, not only then did the people walk on me More, but they I suppose thought "Well She's so easy" Lets see how much more we can get away with..
F**K That!!!!
Now mind you I try to Avoid confretations at all costs, as I know how Bad my Temper can get, and once I let loose, ( usually after stuffing for a long long time) well, lets just say,,Nothing is Sacred..I throw in their Trucks, Cars, Bikes, Kids..you name it...Ugly,,really really Ugly..
So as I venture down this new path,(yet another chance at life),I have to try to do things so so differently,,I am taking Baby Steps, just a toe in the water, but I am Not trying to repeat the same mistakes...
No Your Not a Saint,,No one is..So you lied, Who hasn't? But changing who You are and the Way You handle things is Your Perogative...It's my Peragative..It's all of ours...
I don't know about you but Im surprised my eyes are not Brown from all the Sh*t I have eaten over the years...
If your not quite sure how to handle things at a given time..just say it's My Decision Not to Make a Decision right now..
Well got to go...Missed you on the SPODES site..Get back and add some Humor..
Love and Hugs to all.
Hope all are well.
Dianna
Sorry to hear that your a little upset...It will pass, just like a bowel movement..
I don't think it's a good idea to just stuff what you have to say and agree..I have done that most of my life and Believe Me, although Everyone around me seemed relatively happy I wasn't..
You know what Dog..I really don't care what I have been , or what I have done,,or just what some or most people think...It's My Life Now,,and My World.
I ate Everybodys Sh*t for so damn long,just to keep peace and you know what, not only then did the people walk on me More, but they I suppose thought "Well She's so easy" Lets see how much more we can get away with..
F**K That!!!!
Now mind you I try to Avoid confretations at all costs, as I know how Bad my Temper can get, and once I let loose, ( usually after stuffing for a long long time) well, lets just say,,Nothing is Sacred..I throw in their Trucks, Cars, Bikes, Kids..you name it...Ugly,,really really Ugly..
So as I venture down this new path,(yet another chance at life),I have to try to do things so so differently,,I am taking Baby Steps, just a toe in the water, but I am Not trying to repeat the same mistakes...
No Your Not a Saint,,No one is..So you lied, Who hasn't? But changing who You are and the Way You handle things is Your Perogative...It's my Peragative..It's all of ours...
I don't know about you but Im surprised my eyes are not Brown from all the Sh*t I have eaten over the years...
If your not quite sure how to handle things at a given time..just say it's My Decision Not to Make a Decision right now..
Well got to go...Missed you on the SPODES site..Get back and add some Humor..
Love and Hugs to all.
Hope all are well.
Dianna
You're so right Kerry. It is the 9th. I screwed that one up. I get them mixed up too unless they're right in front of me. It's like they say...what an order!
Cowgirl
Cowgirl
my sponsor is having me read the first 164 pages twice (I have to start over) . Twice?? I have read them a zillion times..mostly drunk, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Well, the most simple solution I couldnt' get was don't pick up the first one...
simple, but not easy...he he.
Kerry
simple, but not easy...he he.
Kerry
