I have been lurking on this board for a bit and many of the stories posted here sound like you are talking about my family. They are so exact in some cases that it has been rather freaky. When I question what I am doing (which I often do), I come here and read. It reminds me that others are in the same boat and it keeps me from getting so crazy about things.
I am the mother of an adult son (mid-thirties) that is a drug addict. He started using when he was in his early teens so this has been going on for many years. He has probably tried a little bit of every drug and a whole lot of some. Sometimes he seems to be doing pretty well but most times things are really terrible. He cant seem to get his life or his mind together because he wont give up the drugs. He has dug himself a deep dark hole of troubles and made his life so much harder by making bad choices.
I have been trying to detach from my sons problems. It must be harder for mothers to quit helping because we are supposed to be the fixer of all things great and small. I finally had to discontinue all verbal contact with him in order to see things more clearly. He was verbally abusive, threatening, demanding, and scared me but I was totally connected to his life. I felt like I might never escape from him and his troubles. I was in a bad mental state.
One day it dawned on me that I cant keep doing this until I die. I had to stop the craziness. I am getting older and there isnt much time left for my own happiness and there will never be enough money to help him. I do the same thing over and over, but he keeps doing the same thing over and over. I help him so he can improve his life but no improvement happens.
I didnt realize that a mother could reach their limit but I did. One day I found myself in a bad part of town, talking to my son and his drug buddies, and I began to wonder why I was there. It was not where I wanted to be or what I wanted to be doing. What the heck was I doing there! I drove a long distance to help my son only to find that he was using drugs again. I had fallen for the lies again. Did my son ever think about me at allabout my safety, my health, or that I might need that money? Of course he didnt, all he thought of was what he needed and what he could get from me. I could have said no and didnt so there I was doing something I really didnt want to do once again. Then he proceeded to give me some reason for his relapse that didnt at all include any accountability from himit was the fault of something or someone else. It is very often my fault because I didnt do enough of this or that.
I have helped him for way too long so I am trying to change my ways but I feel so guilty. I worry that he will become too depressed or something bad will happen or that he wont be able to find help on his own. I worry that it is too late for him to change and his life will be a mess forever. He never wants to give anything up or put forth the effort to improve things. Never any sacrifices for him!
I am just getting through each day the best I can. Still enabling a bit from time to time (small amounts which I hope is spent on food) but I can now recognize the manipulation (lots of it) and dont believe all his lies. He will never leave me alone voluntarily and I cant do this anymore so I have to learn to say no. I can never help him just a little. If I give him an inch, he tries to take a mile. So I am just hoping for the best and feeling like I am doing the worst possible thing.
Hi, Bugginme! I just want to say that I am sorry for what you are going through!
I am an addict and recovery and I have to say that you ARE doing the right thing by not enabling your son. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It wasn't until my family stopped enabling me (and yes, that even means that little bit for food!) that I became uncomfortable enough to seek recovery!
It is hard to detatch with love, but it is necessary. You are responsible for your life only. Your happiness is important too! It was amazing to me how much my family grew when they stopped the status quo! Suddenly, they were running off to meetings, and clubs and doing hobbies they had given up years ago. They no longer had time for my using, lying, stealing and all-around bad behavior. Seeing them change, in turn changed me.
There is hope! The best way you can help your son recover is by standing down and not helping..not even one bit! If you help "one bit" it takes away our opportunity to learn and manage our own lives!
As my parents have often said, we will not do another thing to enable this illness another day, but we will do everything we can to support you in recovery!
Good luck!!!
I am an addict and recovery and I have to say that you ARE doing the right thing by not enabling your son. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It wasn't until my family stopped enabling me (and yes, that even means that little bit for food!) that I became uncomfortable enough to seek recovery!
It is hard to detatch with love, but it is necessary. You are responsible for your life only. Your happiness is important too! It was amazing to me how much my family grew when they stopped the status quo! Suddenly, they were running off to meetings, and clubs and doing hobbies they had given up years ago. They no longer had time for my using, lying, stealing and all-around bad behavior. Seeing them change, in turn changed me.
There is hope! The best way you can help your son recover is by standing down and not helping..not even one bit! If you help "one bit" it takes away our opportunity to learn and manage our own lives!
As my parents have often said, we will not do another thing to enable this illness another day, but we will do everything we can to support you in recovery!
Good luck!!!
Well said loollee! We are going thru the same issues with our son since we quit enabling him 4 months ago. Read my post on "Still no word".
BugginMe---Praying for you son and you and stay on this forum and read because it is the only thing helping me stay strong! Join a Narcanon or Alanon group to get support from people walking the walk.
(((HUGS))) Lori
BugginMe---Praying for you son and you and stay on this forum and read because it is the only thing helping me stay strong! Join a Narcanon or Alanon group to get support from people walking the walk.
(((HUGS))) Lori
I did go to a meeting but didn't like the format. It was a lunch meeting and there was limited time and few people. I can't find a meeting close to me at a time I can go. I have been reading many self-help books. I read them over and over again. I guess I am really dense because I don't remember any of that stuff when I need it. I read one poem that really hit home. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. It isn't about drugs exactly but I felt just like that tree...being all used up by my son.
I think you are beautiful.
