we have my daughter living back with us she came out of custody in september on a script for naltrexone but has started to use again she uses a bag a day is that a lot she says she wants to get off it but always has excuses she is stealing off us and if i put her out she will have no were to go they say about tough love but im afraid she will die out on here own she is a very young 19 there is a waiting time of 8months now before she can see someone to get another script some say that if she takes off us she wont reofend but she has abused our trust t feel as if im the heroin addict and that my life is on hold please talk to me
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| and if i put her out she will have no were to go they say about tough love but im afraid she will die out on here own |
Welcome ValleyGirl,
The cold hard sad(but true)fact is that she could die not only out on those streets but she could in your basement, kitchen or any place she choses to use. Although you love your child this is not your fault or burden to bare nor is it your responsibility to help get her clean. The best help you can offer is to yourself by learning all you can about addiction, get support for yourself, learn how to and how to not help, and most importantly take care of the one that matter's most in all of this....YOU! All the best to you!
My heart breaks for you, Mom..........I am sorry for your pain.
Echoing what GYAC said...........he's absolutely right.
I'm very sorry.
Echoing what GYAC said...........he's absolutely right.
I'm very sorry.
It is the hardest thing you'll ever do. One thing we've all noticed is the lengths that our addicts will go to score and use, the places they'll go, the people they'll consort with, and how they always manage to land on their feet when it comes to finding and using drugs - yet we worry about them surviving on the streets.
The day I drove my daughter to score because I was worried about the frightening condition she was in and the horrid weather she was prepared to go out in was the day I realized it was out of my hands. I didn't want to be that person anymore - the one who made it easy for her to keep doing what she was doing and all in the name of protecting her.
You'll come to the right answer for you and for her in your own time. Sorry you're in it...
Peace~MomNMore
PS Please use punctuation when posting - I found it really hard to read your post. (Sorry, I'm an English teacher.)
The day I drove my daughter to score because I was worried about the frightening condition she was in and the horrid weather she was prepared to go out in was the day I realized it was out of my hands. I didn't want to be that person anymore - the one who made it easy for her to keep doing what she was doing and all in the name of protecting her.
You'll come to the right answer for you and for her in your own time. Sorry you're in it...
Peace~MomNMore
PS Please use punctuation when posting - I found it really hard to read your post. (Sorry, I'm an English teacher.)
I know its har thinking of her on the streets, but as they say--we addicts have to reach our "bottom" and living in your house with you supporting her habit is a junkies dream come true--only you know whats best--follow your gut--whats it saying---and like GYAC said--educate yourself--alanon-tough love seminars-coming here-thats your best bet, and not 1 person who knows about addiction or has been through it will tell you to continue letting her live this way under your roof--the best thing my parents couldve done for me was hang up that phone and shut that door unless i was seeking honest help and being truthfull about needing help with my addiction. as we have seen amny times here on this sight and most recently with kevin--this disease of addiction doesnt care about our feeling or our loved ones hearts--it may take awhile but you will find your way...hopefully before it's too late--keep coming here, we will help you!!!
Hi Valley Girl
My heart goes out to you girl. My daughter is 17 so I know how you feel. Unfortunately, this is out of your control. Shes made her life choices and there is nothing YOU can do to change that. Shes the only one who can do that and no matter what you do, she wont get clean until SHE wants to. Of course she says she wants to get clean. Shell tell you anything she thinks you want to hear, so she can keep stealing, lying and abusing your trust. However, what you are doing by letting her stay under your roof is rewarding her bad behaviour as you feel you owe it to her because you love her. Im not dissing you girl, weve all done it. Driving them to score because they swear its the last time before they go back on detox, just one last time because they so want to be clean, the begging, crying and abuse!
I reached this point back in September and threw my daughter out. Id been through this so many times and finally the last time I let her come home I laid down rules and conditions with only one consequence if she F***** up one time she was out. Sure enough she did f*** up so I kept my word. (Something an addict NEVER does, through no fault of their own) so I threw her out. Im afraid like GYAC says whether shes in your home or out on the streets she could die anywhere as long as shes using. Shes still your little girl and you may find it easier if you try and separate the addict from your daughter. Remember her as the little girl she was, the good times that does help. You cant be responsible for her but you do need support FOR YOU. Its taken me a very long time to understand that by sheltering them you dont help them. They really do need you to show them your strength before they can even begin to find their way. It doesnt mean you dont love her, it just means that you arent going to accept her behaviour or addiction under your roof. Now for the first time in my life I really do appreciate the meaning of TOUGH LOVE. Please get some help and support for YOU girl. You really need it and remember youve done nothing to deserve this and you have to live YOUR life. You dont say how long shes been using but I would get as much information and learn as much as you can about addiction. Hope this helps in some way.
Hang on in there, we are here for you
Luv Christina x
PS: this site is the best there is for good honest advice and support
My heart goes out to you girl. My daughter is 17 so I know how you feel. Unfortunately, this is out of your control. Shes made her life choices and there is nothing YOU can do to change that. Shes the only one who can do that and no matter what you do, she wont get clean until SHE wants to. Of course she says she wants to get clean. Shell tell you anything she thinks you want to hear, so she can keep stealing, lying and abusing your trust. However, what you are doing by letting her stay under your roof is rewarding her bad behaviour as you feel you owe it to her because you love her. Im not dissing you girl, weve all done it. Driving them to score because they swear its the last time before they go back on detox, just one last time because they so want to be clean, the begging, crying and abuse!
I reached this point back in September and threw my daughter out. Id been through this so many times and finally the last time I let her come home I laid down rules and conditions with only one consequence if she F***** up one time she was out. Sure enough she did f*** up so I kept my word. (Something an addict NEVER does, through no fault of their own) so I threw her out. Im afraid like GYAC says whether shes in your home or out on the streets she could die anywhere as long as shes using. Shes still your little girl and you may find it easier if you try and separate the addict from your daughter. Remember her as the little girl she was, the good times that does help. You cant be responsible for her but you do need support FOR YOU. Its taken me a very long time to understand that by sheltering them you dont help them. They really do need you to show them your strength before they can even begin to find their way. It doesnt mean you dont love her, it just means that you arent going to accept her behaviour or addiction under your roof. Now for the first time in my life I really do appreciate the meaning of TOUGH LOVE. Please get some help and support for YOU girl. You really need it and remember youve done nothing to deserve this and you have to live YOUR life. You dont say how long shes been using but I would get as much information and learn as much as you can about addiction. Hope this helps in some way.
Hang on in there, we are here for you
Luv Christina x
PS: this site is the best there is for good honest advice and support
You cannot protect someone from themselves. An addict needs to have a reason to get clean. By feeding and sheltering her, you are enabling her addiction, you are putting obstacles in the way of her path to recovery. I do understand that you would do anything to keep her safe, but heroin overdose is just as likely to happen in her own bedroom at home, as anywhere else. A friend of mine died two and a half years ago. Her mother found her dead on her bedroom floor. She was just 18. Her mother did her best to protect her, she never pressed charges when she stole thousands from her, she would even keep her heroin in her handbag, so she thought she knew how much she was taking, she didn't throw her out, even though she was terribly disruptive and had a younger sister in the house, she would lend her money, warm her dinner up when she fell through the door at all hours. She was trying to protect her from the realities of the life she had fallen into, but all she succeeded in doing was hastening her demise. I am not trying to depress you, but as a mother myself, I know that you only want the best for your kid.
Left to their own devices, the life of a junkie is tough. the tougher it gets, the more likely they are to get clean. And actually, there maybe more opportunites to get clean. I'm assuming that you're in South Wales (valley girl!!!) as I am (not a valley girl, a turk from the land of Sospan Fach!) and I know that there can be quite lengthy waits to get in with the drugs team. If she were to get caught commiting a crime to support her habit, or get caught with gear on her, then the court may well order a DTTO, which means she will get a script and be strictly monitored by the drugs team, and any failed drugs tests could mean another court appearance and possibly jail, which is a very good reason to get clean. As an addict, the more bad things happen to you as a result of your addiction, the stronger the motivation to get clean.
Do the tough love thing. Let her know she will always be your baby, and you will always love her, but you have to let her stand on her own two feet. I know it sounds arse backwards, but that is the only way you can begin to protect her, by teaching her that mammy can't always be there to pick up the pieces, and she needs to learn how to protect herself. And before she can do that she needs to learn that her actions have consequences, and she has to deal with those consequences by herself. You will always be on the end of the phone, and she can come to you for advice, and a cwtch, but not for money, and you cannot have her living at home whilst she is on heroin.
take care
Diff (clean since may 2005 - it can be done!)
Left to their own devices, the life of a junkie is tough. the tougher it gets, the more likely they are to get clean. And actually, there maybe more opportunites to get clean. I'm assuming that you're in South Wales (valley girl!!!) as I am (not a valley girl, a turk from the land of Sospan Fach!) and I know that there can be quite lengthy waits to get in with the drugs team. If she were to get caught commiting a crime to support her habit, or get caught with gear on her, then the court may well order a DTTO, which means she will get a script and be strictly monitored by the drugs team, and any failed drugs tests could mean another court appearance and possibly jail, which is a very good reason to get clean. As an addict, the more bad things happen to you as a result of your addiction, the stronger the motivation to get clean.
Do the tough love thing. Let her know she will always be your baby, and you will always love her, but you have to let her stand on her own two feet. I know it sounds arse backwards, but that is the only way you can begin to protect her, by teaching her that mammy can't always be there to pick up the pieces, and she needs to learn how to protect herself. And before she can do that she needs to learn that her actions have consequences, and she has to deal with those consequences by herself. You will always be on the end of the phone, and she can come to you for advice, and a cwtch, but not for money, and you cannot have her living at home whilst she is on heroin.
take care
Diff (clean since may 2005 - it can be done!)
10 years ago last month my nephew died of an overdose. He had been in and out of trouble with the police and was living with my sister and brother-n-law off & on. He was very mixed up at the time, and I believe that he was suicidal (I came to this conclusion in retrospect, after thinking back to previous conversations). One night at his Mothers while high he was being verbally abusive. My sister had had enough and kick him from her house. He had contacted an acquaintance (addicts only ever have acquaintances as opposed to friends) who knew someone that was willing to take him in. When he got there he locked himself in the bathroom. Two hours later and unaware of my nephews history the person that took him in busted the door in and found my nephew dead, still with the syringe in his arm.
My poor sister nearly went insane with grief. The whole family tried to comfort her, and let her knew that her son was on a path of his own choosing and that she should in no way let herself believe that she was the cause of his death. She is a wonderful Mother that raised all of children in a caring loving home. I just spent the day at her house yesterday for the Thanksgiving meal. Though it took her a long time, she realizes that she could not have done things differently, for herself and the grandchildren she was raising at the time.
You sound like a loving caring mother, but you have to realize that your children, even at 19, are making their own choices now. Just love them and offer any help your capable of, as long as it's not enabling them, and trust that the good that you've instilled in them will prevail. Please don't ever blame yourself.
With Love & lot's of luck,
Zekk
My poor sister nearly went insane with grief. The whole family tried to comfort her, and let her knew that her son was on a path of his own choosing and that she should in no way let herself believe that she was the cause of his death. She is a wonderful Mother that raised all of children in a caring loving home. I just spent the day at her house yesterday for the Thanksgiving meal. Though it took her a long time, she realizes that she could not have done things differently, for herself and the grandchildren she was raising at the time.
You sound like a loving caring mother, but you have to realize that your children, even at 19, are making their own choices now. Just love them and offer any help your capable of, as long as it's not enabling them, and trust that the good that you've instilled in them will prevail. Please don't ever blame yourself.
With Love & lot's of luck,
Zekk
A very wise addict on this board posted the following, I thought of your daughter and as an addict myself, I had to reach that rock bottom on my own.
God Bless You and your daughter, and I hope that she gets clean before she reaches the inevitable, JAILS, INSTITUTIONS OR DEATH.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit...trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me...The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours...the sooner I will arrive...and on time...just right where I need to be..me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one...
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out...I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act fom your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me...but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly...Nudge me out of your safety net...trust the process and pray for me...that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Nytepassion
recovering addict/codependent
By the way, Nytepassion's husband was a methamphetamine addict and he died from using drugs. Please take a moment and look at the website that she dedicated to her husband and father of her children:
In Memory Of
William Scott Simmons
Oct 22, 1957 - Oct 16, 2004
http://www.scotty-simmons.memory-of.com/
God Bless You and your daughter, and I hope that she gets clean before she reaches the inevitable, JAILS, INSTITUTIONS OR DEATH.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit...trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me...The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours...the sooner I will arrive...and on time...just right where I need to be..me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one...
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out...I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act fom your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me...but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly...Nudge me out of your safety net...trust the process and pray for me...that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Nytepassion
recovering addict/codependent
By the way, Nytepassion's husband was a methamphetamine addict and he died from using drugs. Please take a moment and look at the website that she dedicated to her husband and father of her children:
In Memory Of
William Scott Simmons
Oct 22, 1957 - Oct 16, 2004
http://www.scotty-simmons.memory-of.com/
