I am never sure if I'm doing the right thing. I have been living this with my almost 21 yr old son for years and it's exhausting. At this point his life is in total kaos and several times a day he calls or texts to explain in the worst possible ways how this is all my fault and what kind of a mom am I not coming to get him and bring him home. He is clean from heroin and on methadone. He does however still use pills. From what i gather its about once per week. At the moment he is in another town from me and in a very bad living situation and frantically trying to find a place with no luck. I have brought him home several times to try and "help" him however it never does and this last Christmas he was on pills trashed the house and tried to fight my husband, the police were called and he remembered nothing the next day. He was told he needed to leave and moved in with his brother where it's an extremely volatile situation at this point. I can't bring him home again in my opinion he needs to live this and find his way. I am not in a situation to help with money however I do share resources and am constantly sending rental options to check out. I feel like I'm almost at the point where I need to not talk to him as much and that is scary and really sad for me. My stress level is making me sick. I see his name on the phone and have instant anxiety or a stomach ache waiting to hear the tone of his voice. It's so tiring! I struggle with the fact that because of his early drug use he is emotionally more like 16 and very gullable. And he needs to live this and learn right? I try to set healthy boundaries and not take his words to personally but at the moment I'm just angry. Yesterday I was called a dumb b**** for saying pardon can you say that again and today it was a txt saying I f***ing dispise you and don't contact me today. ( he msged me) I won't I'm good with that however I fully expect several more calls and messages from him today. Am I doing the right thing? I just don't see what else there is other than leaving him to live in his choices. Sadly I don't see him getting that and a long time of blaming everyone else.
Our son did all those things at the same age and continued on and on!! He is now 46 and the last straw was when he said he wished I would die so he could "pi---s" on my grave and laugh! From then on I decided nothing I have done all my life has helped and now I have an abusive adult drug addict that wants me dead!!!
I text him that I would no longer accept his calls or text for 6 months. After Jan. 2018 I would talk to him if he had his life in order and was drug free!! I told him I would no longer take his abuse and if he showed up at our house I would call the police. I blocked him on FB and on my phone.
It has been over a month and I can finally have peace, sleep, less anxiety, and breathe again!!
I could no longer and won't live that way ever again! No mother deserves that from their adult children and your son is an adult now!
If you don't want to be doing this when he is 46 like my son, then stop the enabling and set boundaries for him. Tell him you will no long take his verbal abuse and name calling. Tell him there will be no more money or help until he proves he is clean and has got his life in order. Tell him it all stops here and now!!! Do not allow him to move in with you under any circumstances! Do not tote him around to jobs,etc. It is his responsibility to find a way and they always do!
STAND firm--they will lie to you and try everything to get you to cave in!
If you want to have your life back, these things, as painful as they are ,are very necessary and must be done! Unfortunately there is no other way and if you continue what you are living, you will be doing this till your dying breath!
I am praying you can let go and let God!
((HUGS)) Lori
I text him that I would no longer accept his calls or text for 6 months. After Jan. 2018 I would talk to him if he had his life in order and was drug free!! I told him I would no longer take his abuse and if he showed up at our house I would call the police. I blocked him on FB and on my phone.
It has been over a month and I can finally have peace, sleep, less anxiety, and breathe again!!
I could no longer and won't live that way ever again! No mother deserves that from their adult children and your son is an adult now!
If you don't want to be doing this when he is 46 like my son, then stop the enabling and set boundaries for him. Tell him you will no long take his verbal abuse and name calling. Tell him there will be no more money or help until he proves he is clean and has got his life in order. Tell him it all stops here and now!!! Do not allow him to move in with you under any circumstances! Do not tote him around to jobs,etc. It is his responsibility to find a way and they always do!
STAND firm--they will lie to you and try everything to get you to cave in!
If you want to have your life back, these things, as painful as they are ,are very necessary and must be done! Unfortunately there is no other way and if you continue what you are living, you will be doing this till your dying breath!
I am praying you can let go and let God!
((HUGS)) Lori
Hi Kim, Being good to him just continues his bad behavior. I know that sounds terrible but sadly it's true. Stop helping him. Next time he texts you with nasty comments tell him if he texts you again talking like he does you will change your phone number. I had the same problem with my daughter. I actually did change my number on my cell and blocked her on my house phone. None of his behavior is your fault, you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it! The best expression I heard on here which describes it perfectly is " It's his monkey and his circus". Everything he calls you and does has happened to us all on here. It's like their clones how alike they act. Your other son shouldn't have to put up with him either. Let him find his own way. The sooner you stop enabling him the sooner he might get clean. The pills he's taking may still be opiates. Heroin is an opiate. My daughter is on methadone. Their not meant to get high when they take opiates if their on methadone, but some are sly enough to be on a low dose so that they can still get high. This is what I was told. But then again there's all sorts of pills they can take. Set boundaries,what you wont allow from him and tell him. Read on here other posts from moms just like you. I know it's scary your son being like this, I've been scared many a time too. Find a meeting in your area and go as there are people there in the same boat as you and it will help you. We're all here for you too. Take care. Mary
Hi Kim,
My 30 year old son is a heroin addict, currently clean because he's in jail. Right now, I can talk to him and have conversations because he's clean but when he is actively using, everything is my fault, his dad's fault and his ex-girlfriend's fault. I understand what you're going through. In the past, our son trashed our things and put fists through walls and doors, verbally assaulted us, and stole from us. We finally got to the point about 4 years ago that we kicked him out and never let him move back in. He's been homeless almost as much as not. We still held firm. We have learned to detach and not make his problems ours. He's a grown man and needs to reap what he shows. One thing that helped us was to think about how our life would be if we were addicts. We wouldn't be able to pay our bills, have a nice home, have good food to eat, etc... Why should our son be any different? And, yes, they aren't the same age mentally as they are chronologically but they're perfectly capable of finding drugs and money for drugs. They are able to seek resources for jobs, housing, counseling, etc... if they "want" it. Don't let your son k you. Mary said it...you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you certainly can't cure him. Give him encouragement and tell him you love him but as soon as he starts being disrespectful, conversations end until he's ready to talk to you the way you demand and deserve.
Hugs
My 30 year old son is a heroin addict, currently clean because he's in jail. Right now, I can talk to him and have conversations because he's clean but when he is actively using, everything is my fault, his dad's fault and his ex-girlfriend's fault. I understand what you're going through. In the past, our son trashed our things and put fists through walls and doors, verbally assaulted us, and stole from us. We finally got to the point about 4 years ago that we kicked him out and never let him move back in. He's been homeless almost as much as not. We still held firm. We have learned to detach and not make his problems ours. He's a grown man and needs to reap what he shows. One thing that helped us was to think about how our life would be if we were addicts. We wouldn't be able to pay our bills, have a nice home, have good food to eat, etc... Why should our son be any different? And, yes, they aren't the same age mentally as they are chronologically but they're perfectly capable of finding drugs and money for drugs. They are able to seek resources for jobs, housing, counseling, etc... if they "want" it. Don't let your son k you. Mary said it...you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you certainly can't cure him. Give him encouragement and tell him you love him but as soon as he starts being disrespectful, conversations end until he's ready to talk to you the way you demand and deserve.
Hugs
Great comments and advice. I need to hear all of this over and over.
Just chiming in, as I am in the same boat. Still shocked at the disrespect and abusive behavior. I am starting to stand up for myself as well. It has to be done. They are not capable of having a respectful relationship, so we have no choice.
I actually saw a counselor at an abuse center. My son, as I've said way too many times : ), keeps getting worse. I cannot help him right now. But, I need to help myself and respect myself. I am getting tips on setting a hard, fast boundary.
We all need and deserve peaceful, respectful relationships. Of course no one is perfect, but these extreme behaviors will destroy us if we let them.
Peace and hugs to you! And,all!!
Just chiming in, as I am in the same boat. Still shocked at the disrespect and abusive behavior. I am starting to stand up for myself as well. It has to be done. They are not capable of having a respectful relationship, so we have no choice.
I actually saw a counselor at an abuse center. My son, as I've said way too many times : ), keeps getting worse. I cannot help him right now. But, I need to help myself and respect myself. I am getting tips on setting a hard, fast boundary.
We all need and deserve peaceful, respectful relationships. Of course no one is perfect, but these extreme behaviors will destroy us if we let them.
Peace and hugs to you! And,all!!
do not blame yourself. You did not cause this and can not control it nor cure it. It is in the DNA. THEY can change - when They want to badly enough.
Go to Naranon or Alanon to learn to set boundaries. the boundaries are for you
batten down the hatches! Although you will still suffer heartache as you detach, you will also feel liberated when you are doing for yourself instead of them.
It is constantly heartbreaking when going thru this. Give him information of where and how he can get help, but you cant do it for him. Tell him he needs to learn to live independently. you wont be here forever, and you want to see him take care of him self.
Go to Naranon or Alanon to learn to set boundaries. the boundaries are for you
batten down the hatches! Although you will still suffer heartache as you detach, you will also feel liberated when you are doing for yourself instead of them.
It is constantly heartbreaking when going thru this. Give him information of where and how he can get help, but you cant do it for him. Tell him he needs to learn to live independently. you wont be here forever, and you want to see him take care of him self.
Thank you all so much! I know every single word is true and I will keep reading this if I need to.
This is my first time online talking to others. Thank you for reminding me that I can't make my son walk through recovery. I can only take care of myself. I haven't been doing a very job at taking care of myself. My son is 4 months clean but not making good decisions. When you see them making the same mistakes it causes panic. I have to keep telling myself it's on him to either do this or not. Thank you for listening.
Hi Vicky,
So sorry you are in the same boat as the rest of us. I am glad you posted. Watching our kids self-destruct is very stressful. And, the worry of wondering where it all will end.!
I detached today because I had to. So much going on that I had no choice but to disconnect. After an exhausting day, faced about 15 abusive texts ranting about various things that I had nothing to do with.
Said it before, but I will say it again---it is strange how similar all our kids are! Almost eerie how alike they are in their draining behaviors. : (
Hugs all around.
So sorry you are in the same boat as the rest of us. I am glad you posted. Watching our kids self-destruct is very stressful. And, the worry of wondering where it all will end.!
I detached today because I had to. So much going on that I had no choice but to disconnect. After an exhausting day, faced about 15 abusive texts ranting about various things that I had nothing to do with.
Said it before, but I will say it again---it is strange how similar all our kids are! Almost eerie how alike they are in their draining behaviors. : (
Hugs all around.
Vicky - we are in year 3 of my son's recovery. he has been to 2 rehabs and 2 sober living over the first two years. 3-6 months clean between 3-6 months of relapse. currently he is back home, working fulltime, but has relapsed and does not go to meetings. he is kind of in denial bc he says he is self medicating bc he is depressed, anxiety, etc.... I say it is the drugs/medications he has been taking for so many years that have made him depressed. he is feeling the side effects and wd symptoms. he uses so little that he is able to go to work, and appears perfectly normal, except that he always runs out of money before getting his next paycheck. then he comes around asking to borrow. says his pay is too low, makes excuses for spending - food - went out w friends- etc currently he said he will go to a dr to be prescribed meds. he also is not making good decisions. we just try to stay out of an enabling role and hope he gets tired of the life he has. hope he finds a better way, happier way to live.
naranon meetings and this message board has helped me to deal with letting go and trying to detach and trying to keep looking at where I want My life to be.
naranon meetings and this message board has helped me to deal with letting go and trying to detach and trying to keep looking at where I want My life to be.
