Cowgirl

boy I feel so sad .just cant seem to stop ,,,meetings yes ,but those pills have me. 5 years,stop .go .stop .go ..than the wd ,I pray to god ,when the wd come .please help me lord ..and pills apear again ,and happy I am till there no more again .IVE been taking 5 to 7 a day ,compared to 20 ..but thats no good .im sick of being sick .but the pills seem to win.IM beside my self ..just like kat said ..to be in the real world ,is nice ,,,but my mind misses those pills ,,so back I go ,on on on on ...go to meeting .yes ,one on one .yes did it all, but those pills ,just have a hold on me ,,the bad thing is ,,I cant go to to work ,now when I have no pills ,,before I could ,now no ,because ,I feel so sad and down ,when I have no pills ,feel like doing nothing but ,tv .laying around doing nothing .is that bad ,,yes ,,,,cant eat ,or sleep ,,,feel very depressed ..and I no its the pills ,,,why do keep getting them .I get 56 from my dr ,and my spouse gets 150.from hes dr ,,I nrver get str pills ,,just dont do that ,,,but the wd .the up and down and my jop loves me so much ..they put me on call.said I callin to much ..but im so good they dont want to lose me ..so I pick my days ..on pills work off pills dont ...but the feeling when I run out ,,omgolly is bad ,,no food no sleep racing thoughts ,saddness .no debt ,yet,thank goddness ..o and by the way internet pills are gone ..pretty much ,,closed down ,really thats the truth ,,thankyou lord ...anyway ..thats my story angel ...poopie ...........................with love is there a book you can tell me about ,talks about way we use ..that could help.
Poopie, you need to reach a point to where you just cant do this anymore.

At our age, we do not have the stamina nor energy to keep going through WD. That is what did it for me. I was just spent. Had enough. Until you get to that point, you will keep playing the pill game.

Every time we go through WD it takes more and more out of our system to where bodies just cant keep taking the toll it puts on our systems. When we are physically drained it takes a toll on our mental capacity.

The old saying 'we are what we eat'. Is true, think about it.

When we are using, we can do anything, meaning, say things like, oh I can stop or taper and be fine, no we wont be fine, the price is WD, the days , months, years following of being sober is the fine part. The drug talks to us while in active use, the false sense of well being is an understatement.

We will say ignorant things while using, because we are feeling no pain, of course we think we can just stop or taper and life will be rosy. Until reality sets in, the drugs are gone, we are feeling like crap and will do anything to stop the wds.

The bottom line is simple, when you are ready you will stop the madness, until then, you will keep the yo yo game going. You have been at this long enough to know what you need to do.

-either CT and be done with it, followed by support groups or na or aa meetings.
-detox then rehab in conjunction with support, meetings or one on one
-subutex perhaps, maybe this is the route you should try if you have tried other means and failed. Last resort, again in conjunction with some type of support.
-Start working out, or some type of activity to keep moving. Even when you feel like death, force yourself.
- find an addiction doctor and tell him/her everything.

Your partner gets x amount, so will you be able to stop with him around taking his pills?
Is this something you two can do together? If not, you will need to be strong enough to not take his pills. Are you?
poopie
i can really relate to what you posted, you described the way wd's feel, that is exactly how i feel when i am in wd's.
when i was in rehab being induced to sub, i never knew what to expect about how sub would feel etc and i remember telling everyone, omg! i dont feel any wd's as i detoxed off the vikes, this is fantastic is what i told some people, then they got offended and told me in group that i was glorifying sub and it was a trigger to them to go use. i think about those comments often and i in no way whatsoever was trying to glorify a drug, just feeling so wonderful that i wasnt feeling the same feelings i felt when i cold turkeyed off vikes, that cold turkey experience off vikes has forever haunted me, this occured when i checked into a rehab place that housed the addicts with the pysch patients, for me it was a horrible experience, my expectations or should i say my thoughts were that i would be like in a hospital settings where nurses would come into my room and give me meds to detox, meals brought to my room etc just as if i were in a hospital, did i ever get a rude awakening, first they stripped searched me and that was sooooo embarassing, the intake nurse did give me a little dignity and allowed me to face the wall as i did the "spread eagle" next was searching my luggage and taking away this or that as it could be dangerous to other patients, the belt from my robe, my perfume bottle things like that which i understand they have to do so, but again i felt so low, ok next i carry my linens to my "cell" is what it felt like, hoping she was taking me to my private hospital room, suprise again, dormitory style room with 3 beds, i was like what the hell? some woman is sound asleep in her bed snoring, i was beginning to feel like i cant do this,this is the really bad part, they took away all 3 addictions at once, cigarettes, vikes and my PEPSI!!!!!! come on, not fair to abruptly stop the caffiene number one , the cigs were rationed with one 4 hour stretch in the afternoon where the cig breaks was the longest and as far as meds to make my vike wd comfortable... nothing. i have a panic/anxiety disorder too and i could feel the anxiety getting out of control, i went back to my room and lay on the bed and boom! full blown panic attack occured, i demanded to be released and even though you can be released on your own you have to wait until the next business day when the therapists and such were there to evaluate you.
now i got some action going, during the panic attack a nurse went to a pop machine on another floor and gave me a pepsi, then they gave me a private room and made me swallow a hand full of pills, knocked my butt right out, i didnt get released until 5 oclock the next evening!!
so my point of posting this experience is the way i felt when i got home, after the thrill of finally being at home was over then i tried to deal with life on lifes terms with out the use of drugs, it was so horrible, it scares me to death to ever have to feel that way again, like you said poopie, i felt utterly hopeless,depressed, sick, and the lack of energy was awful, i could barely walk, as the vikes were leaving my system my body was like whats going on here? the lethargy was so uncomfortable, i remember trying to load the dishwasher and i had to rest my head on my arm as i was bent over onto the counter top, i couldnt even bend down to fill my dogs water bowls, the rest less leg thing, awful as they jumped all over the bed, in agreement for being released early from the pysch hospital i attended an intense IOP for 30 days, no problem, so i thought, had to be there at 8 am every day and i am soooo sick from withdrawals, i parked the car when i arrived there and i looked at the walk it would take to get from the parking lot to the front door and i didnt think i could walk, i was soooooooooo weak, should i crawl on my hands and knees??? i cant miss these meetings as i promised i would if released early, all i wanted to do was to be able to lay down for a few days to recover, nope! i was told that i would have to go to NA meetings every night, but i am sick i told the counselor, too bad, get to a meeting!!
when the weekend came and it was memorial day, i was sitting on my front porch listening to all the neighbors partying and celebrating the holiday, i thought to myself i never will be able to party again, i was so lost, depressed and hopeless. fast forward to the relapse...when the 4th of july rolled around, i couldnt cope anymore, i walked out the front door and went to my user friends house one block away, i knew they would get me high, after all its only marijuana, ha! well i am sure you all know the outcome..... i eventually went back to abusing the vikes and this time i was going to the urgent care and lying saying i had a head ache, knew i could dr shop at urgent care, and lo and behold i am back to square one again, the drugs always win,
i was out there for another year and this time i thought i would give sub a try as i was desparate, stumbled onto this site and learned about sub, i also made sure i went to a better faciltiy and i found one an hours drive away which was monumental for me as i have panic attacks when i am far from the safeness of home.
this second rehab was unbelievable, i could leave and drive my car when classes were over, like go get smokes or what ever, they allowed smoking anytime except when classes and meetings were in session, for most addicts we are addicted to other things like caffiene and nicotine and for now i was focusing on one addiction, the vikes, so that really helped, plus i didnt have to feel the awful wd's as i gathered the necessary tools i needed to one day face life on lifes terms with out the use of drugs, well here we are 2 years later, july 10th i will have two years!! i have not ingested one vicodin, nor have i taken one puff of marijuana for which i was addicted to that for 30 yrs and i have not tasted one drop of alcohol, i never drank anyway except for a drink at a wedding or whatever but i still abstained because there has been a few situations where i just wanted to have a drink at a wedding reception but was warned not to wake the dragon, so i listened.
i am not out of the woods just yet, i have tapered from 8 mg to 4mg, as my intentions are to taper so ever slowly that hopefully doing it so ever slow will make my brain accept it better???
i have gathered alot of learning in these 2 yrs, i have learned how to detach, set healthy boundaries,trying to change stinkin thinkin, worked almost 4 steps, have a sponsor, attend NA meetings, face to face counseling and first most importantly was even coming closer to my higher power which i choose to call God. and i thought pills were the only the problem, recovery has revealed to me that there are many issues that need work as i discovered that i didnt like being me.
it hasnt been an easy two yrs either, i mean i am so grateful that i have 2 yrs clean, but it also made me feel the feelings i so had to feel as i use to numb them away.
i have come to learn to accept that i never had a marriage even though we have been married 25 yrs on june 25th. i cried and cried for years over that and i stopped being co dependant and thinking i could fix him and i stopped rescuing him in his disease of alcoholism and porn addiction.
i have come to learn to accept that i NEVER will get the parental love that i so crave, becauser they are NOT CAPABLE to do so.
i have come to learn to accept that my siblings are never gonna understand because they are all sick and caught up in the drama of dysfunction in our sick family.
i have cried rivers of tears over that too.
i have cut off all ties from these people to recover and they have chosen to not help, support or embrace me and now we are all estranged, i cried rivers again.
i have been the only member of this sick family who decided to step out of it and get well and for that they punish me, oh well.
there is so much more work to do, i understand that i will need to work at this for the rest of my life and please please Dear God i pray, never make me ever have to feel the wd's again, they terrify me,
wow poopie, i cant believe i unloaded all this just from reading your post, i just want to say that i can really feel and understand what your going thru.
dont give up, keep coming back, one day at a time, i know God has heard our pleas, maybe they dont get answered when we want them, but believe me God has a plan for all of us,. peace and love to you all jewels
jewls ,how much vikes were you taking ,me 5 to 7 ,I sleep not to sad after 3 days ,but low motavation, poopie
thankyou brooke and jewls for .posting to me ...and yes when its time its time ,thats that ,I STILL DONT NO , my spouse gets them and no im not strong ,to say no ,but I do have a plan ,they where 10 now there 7.5 .and next month ,down to 5 .than off ,will see ,please dont comment .love you all very much poopie
QUOTE
jewls ,how much vikes were you taking

i was taking 5 to 6 -7.5 mg tabs a day for five years.
you no its my 3 day without ,and im doing luandry,cooking ,feel ok ,but still kinda lazy ,from what you gone throw it seems so much worse ,you and take the same amount ,well i do now ,bless you ,you have that addiction resolved.why is that ,now my food is all natruel,no cig ,try to keep healty.now why is this?does it depend on the body .each person ,some wd are ok doable ans not why?poopie
My dearest Poopie..I sure love you. Listen, I've been where you are, did it for so long that I thought that this was just what my life was going to be. No way out. It wasn't until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired that I made the change. You said that you've gone to meetings, done the one on one, but what about now? You don't stop going just because you're still using. This is when you need to go, fake it until you make it. Eventually, something will click with you. Someone will speak to your heart and you'll give it another try. Talk to your dr honey, it's time. Time to tell on yourself....no more pills. Get rid of the safety net of knowing you'll have another prescription in a month. Tell your spouse, no more. If he has to have them, he is to keep them with him at all times. Even when he goes to the bathroom. Come on sweetheart...you derseve so much better than this. You are worth so much more. Get through the withdrawals..you know it's only a few days and then get your butt to as many meetings as possible. Make a plan and stick to it. Start walking...the weather has been beautiful here in our neck of the woods, get outside with your dogs. If you ever want to talk on the phone, I can call you. Email me and let me know. xxoo