Looking for experience and support from parents of adult child drug addicts who found the strength to walk away:
My addict son is 24 and after a heroin overdose last Thursday he admitted himself for a 2nd bout of rehab in detox for heroin and Xanax. Whether this is a desire to recover or a result of being asked to leave our home is up for grabs, but we suspect the latter. We told the rehab center that until we can process the trauma from his overdose and discovery of heroin addiction last week we want zero contact. In the early stages of medically supervised withdrawal he is angry, and unstable, and the constant berating threatening calls from rehab in spite of our wishes resulted in our blocking the patient call number from our phones. He is also officially homeless because we cannot let him back in the house for fear of our safety, security, and our own mental health. For the sake of 'helping' him from the beginning of drug abuse (age 15) we have had endured life with a lying, stealing, emotional blackmailing, abusive addict. He has sucked his parents dry on every level, and we realize it's either him or us at this point. He is a man - and he has to clean up his own mess. A mother at a Naranon meeting once said: "I've come to accept that every day a mother loses a son to much nobler pursuits than my son's choice to be a drug addict". That hit me hard. My biggest fear is that of many drug addict parents - What if he commits suicide? (a constant threat in his retinue of blaming/rescue me tactics). Our addict wants us to live in fear, because through fear we were most like to give him what he wanted. I'm still struggling with the reality of that woman's statement - but he is killing himself slowly day by day with drug abuse anyway. We hope that knowing he is homeless will encourage him to complete the 30 day recovery program, upon which the center can help him access continued no cost half-way houses or other county services. At any time he may also choose to discharge himself against medical advice, show up at our door with no warning, and being home full time I fear for my safety. I am investigating what our alternatives are for restraining orders and changing all house locks this week. Life with a drug addict child is a living hell. I know each parent must decide what they are will to give or put up with until you choose your quality of life over their choice to be an addict, but the anxiety and stress of what might happen to this family because he is so deranged is greater than ever for me. We are working so hard to free ourselves from his sickness ~ So very, VERY, hard.
I commend you for not taking your sons phone calls from the detox center because I have been there so many times with my own 28 year old son, the verbal assaults, threats, anger...It is just too upsetting and realistically it is their addiction talking not the sons we know and love. Good for you for putting up boundaries. It is so hard as mothers, my son does exactly the same thing if I don't send him money or bail him out of yet another crisis-he will KILL himself because he knows it gets me Crazy and I finally give in...It is like Ill say this and she will send money...well he has now added he will rob a bank or store if I don't send money..thats the latest. I live in Florida he is in Missouri and I moved here with my husband, its a new marriage of two years and he is supportive of my son to a point but he is done with me being obsessed with Robbie. He has 3 adult children all of who are professors, social worker and financial analyst. I cant imagine a normal child and I have one!
I did his taxes for him and he got 500.00 back this past Sat. and Sunday it was GONE he went on binge of heroin, crack and Xanax. I was worried he would overdose the police took him to psych ward for 96 hr hold and I thought ..Thank God I can sleep!!! They let him out less than 24 hrs later even though he had threatened suicide..no insurance..
Hang in there..praying for you..Im headed to my first alanon meeting this am
I did his taxes for him and he got 500.00 back this past Sat. and Sunday it was GONE he went on binge of heroin, crack and Xanax. I was worried he would overdose the police took him to psych ward for 96 hr hold and I thought ..Thank God I can sleep!!! They let him out less than 24 hrs later even though he had threatened suicide..no insurance..
Hang in there..praying for you..Im headed to my first alanon meeting this am
Kaku2mom, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are doing an excellent job of setting boundaries to take care of you. We've not heard from our only child, a son who just turned 20 in April, for almost 6 weeks. I guess that's better than him threatenin, coming over, and calling. He is homeless, jobless, friendless, and phone less. I pray your son finds and accepts the help he desperately needs.
I am sad for you all.
My son, too, is an addict.
He has been homeless for 2 weeks now. He has been court ordered to stay in sober living, but has been kicked out of 2.
He has been in trouble since age 13.
He uses Meth, alcohol, pills, shrooms, etc.
He has 3 drinking convictions, in drug court at the present time. He just went to see a psychiatrist in the last couple of weeks and was given abilify this friday. He is in dual diagnosis through court. He has been told he MUST comply with drug court and be either in sober living or living with me or my parent's. (We refuse), So he is couch surfing at other addicts homes now. He was told if he doesn't have a clear plan by Wednesday, he will go to jail for probably 90 days. He says he will not live in sober living again.
I am heartbroken. I wish I would have stopped enabling sooner. He has a 4 year old daughter who does not have a consistent mother or father. I must protect her and his little brother and sisters (I have 4 other's). So they may have serenity in their home. I am ashamed that his little sisters have seen and had to hear about his addiction their whole lives. They deserve more. I just didn't want to let go. He is an awesome person when sober. He is also VERY manipulative.
It took his totally erratic aggressive behavior when he was drunk and high 3 weeks ago for me to realize I really can't help him. He has to do it himself. He scared me. I was afraid of what he might do!
I am an addict. I am addicted to my son. I am taking control of my addiction now. I just wish I had done it so much sooner.
At this point, I wish they would just put him in jail. I never thought I would say that.
I am here anytime anyone wants to talk. Thank you for sharing your stories. Stay strong.
My son, too, is an addict.
He has been homeless for 2 weeks now. He has been court ordered to stay in sober living, but has been kicked out of 2.
He has been in trouble since age 13.
He uses Meth, alcohol, pills, shrooms, etc.
He has 3 drinking convictions, in drug court at the present time. He just went to see a psychiatrist in the last couple of weeks and was given abilify this friday. He is in dual diagnosis through court. He has been told he MUST comply with drug court and be either in sober living or living with me or my parent's. (We refuse), So he is couch surfing at other addicts homes now. He was told if he doesn't have a clear plan by Wednesday, he will go to jail for probably 90 days. He says he will not live in sober living again.
I am heartbroken. I wish I would have stopped enabling sooner. He has a 4 year old daughter who does not have a consistent mother or father. I must protect her and his little brother and sisters (I have 4 other's). So they may have serenity in their home. I am ashamed that his little sisters have seen and had to hear about his addiction their whole lives. They deserve more. I just didn't want to let go. He is an awesome person when sober. He is also VERY manipulative.
It took his totally erratic aggressive behavior when he was drunk and high 3 weeks ago for me to realize I really can't help him. He has to do it himself. He scared me. I was afraid of what he might do!
I am an addict. I am addicted to my son. I am taking control of my addiction now. I just wish I had done it so much sooner.
At this point, I wish they would just put him in jail. I never thought I would say that.
I am here anytime anyone wants to talk. Thank you for sharing your stories. Stay strong.
to all of the mom's above - you are doing the right thing, enabling us (addicts) does nothing to help us in the long run- no matter what we tell you, at the time- we lie, manipulate- tell you what we think you want to hear- make every promise and sometimes we even believe those promises ourselves, in our drug induced state- there is a poem on the bottom left of this page - "let me fall by myself" it sums it up better than i could ever do - you are doing the right thing- hard though it is and against all your natural instincts - you can't fix us- we must arrive at a place where the only choice left to us is to reach out for help and genuinely want , no, need to get clean - some of us, like myself take many attempts before we manage to find the right road- but we must find this road for ourselves, there are no maps, everyone must make their own way into recovery - keep reaching out for support and help each other through the dark days- but do not give up hope- this thing we have, addiction, is beatable , but it takes hard work and commitment - best of luck to all of you and your loved ones, i truly hope and pray they find the right road sooner, rather than later-
Travelinman,
You give me hope. I have read the poem. I am going to copy and paste on my fb, for all the people out there with loved ones with addiction. Lots of who want to cover it up..
I appreciate your posts, I value your's, even more that you completely understand my son, and are free! I love that and please don't stop posting. It means a lot to me.
You give me hope. I have read the poem. I am going to copy and paste on my fb, for all the people out there with loved ones with addiction. Lots of who want to cover it up..
I appreciate your posts, I value your's, even more that you completely understand my son, and are free! I love that and please don't stop posting. It means a lot to me.
Thanks Sadmomma, the freedom we have is the freedom to chose whether we use or not today- to quote the wise man "papa bear" we have a daily reprieve from our addiction, if we chose not to use today, that is our freedom- but we are never free from addiction- i will always be a drug addict and alcoholic- but today i am sober because i chose not to use, that will do me for today, ill worry about tomorrow when i get there- thats how it works for me- all the best
Kaku,
What you described is the tyranny of addiction...being held hostage by an addict because we think we can ameliorate the damage and keep control of what is not ours to control. Been there and got out. Our daughter has told me many times that the best thing we did for her was ask her to leave. I don't call it "tough love" - it's just love...I don't call it "walking away" - it's just healthy boundaries. We loved our girl and we never walked away. Instead we gave her the choice to walk away from her addiction and love herself, or to leave the family home...she chose to leave with her drug of choice (heroin at the time, but earlier cocaine). We never stopped talking to her (though she did stop talking to us for a short while) and we always sent messages of faith and confidence and love.
Ultimately everyone has their own choices to make, even if they are bad, self-destructive choices. We allowed her the dignity of making her own choices and saving herself (or not...that's always a possibility). When the pain of using finally exceeds the pay-off they get is when they find a way. Our girl was in LT rehab for a year and a half, was jailed for OUI within days of getting out, ODed in our home, brought drugs into our home, used at work and lost her job, and was in horrible detoxes 2 or 3 times. She watched as several friends fatally ODed and a former NA sponsor comitted suicide. Some folks have very deep bottoms...our daughter was one of these. She told me straight up that shooting heroin was the best thing that she had ever done, that she had no intention of stopping, and that she had never felt so good. Of course, what she really felt was nothing at all - that's what H does to the user. It's sad that feeling nothing was preferable to feeling whatever was real inside of her.
She found her way out - WITHOUT US. She eventually returned home for a short time, got pregnant while on suboxone, tapered off of that, moved out and is now the single parent of a 5 year old son. She works hard, takes care of herself and her son, and has a much different outlook on life. It can happen...
...as soon as we step out of the way.
Peace ~ MomNMore
What you described is the tyranny of addiction...being held hostage by an addict because we think we can ameliorate the damage and keep control of what is not ours to control. Been there and got out. Our daughter has told me many times that the best thing we did for her was ask her to leave. I don't call it "tough love" - it's just love...I don't call it "walking away" - it's just healthy boundaries. We loved our girl and we never walked away. Instead we gave her the choice to walk away from her addiction and love herself, or to leave the family home...she chose to leave with her drug of choice (heroin at the time, but earlier cocaine). We never stopped talking to her (though she did stop talking to us for a short while) and we always sent messages of faith and confidence and love.
Ultimately everyone has their own choices to make, even if they are bad, self-destructive choices. We allowed her the dignity of making her own choices and saving herself (or not...that's always a possibility). When the pain of using finally exceeds the pay-off they get is when they find a way. Our girl was in LT rehab for a year and a half, was jailed for OUI within days of getting out, ODed in our home, brought drugs into our home, used at work and lost her job, and was in horrible detoxes 2 or 3 times. She watched as several friends fatally ODed and a former NA sponsor comitted suicide. Some folks have very deep bottoms...our daughter was one of these. She told me straight up that shooting heroin was the best thing that she had ever done, that she had no intention of stopping, and that she had never felt so good. Of course, what she really felt was nothing at all - that's what H does to the user. It's sad that feeling nothing was preferable to feeling whatever was real inside of her.
She found her way out - WITHOUT US. She eventually returned home for a short time, got pregnant while on suboxone, tapered off of that, moved out and is now the single parent of a 5 year old son. She works hard, takes care of herself and her son, and has a much different outlook on life. It can happen...
...as soon as we step out of the way.
Peace ~ MomNMore
