I'm married to a recovering addict. He has been clean for 17 years. I met him 10 years ago online and on our first meeting he told me about his I past. I decided not to see him again but somehow he wore me down and I feel in love with him. I enjoy drinking socially and occasionally at home and he told me he was fine with that. He is the best thing to ever happen in my life and we have been happily married for 8 years.
During our relationship he has told me much about his using days. He always told me that alcohol was not a problem but if he started drinking he would be smoking crack within a week. I shared with him if this a happened I would have to leave him.
Last week he told me he has decided that he no longer wants to go the NA meetings. That he feels he can drink socially and that he is going to. And the only reason he hasn't is he is afraid I will leave him. He is convinced that he will not use as if he starts drinking again. I am not all convinced of this and I don't know what to do. I asked him to give me a week hoping that things would settle down. He gave me the week and did not drink.
Friday night after another discussion he told me he was going to drink and he did. He went to the store got one can. He drank part of it and threw the rest away. Stupidly I thought he was working his way through it as he hasn't had another one. But yesterday at the grocery store he was looking at the beer isle and trying to decide what to try next.
I'm losing my mind and don't know what to do. I'm terrified of what is going to happen to him and to our relationship. I have no idea what to do. Can anyone out there give me and advice?
Hello, I am not an expert. My son is an addict who is in recovery only a few months. Actually my daughter was an addict for 2 years. She has been clean 3 years. Both of them think drinking alcohol is OK. my daughter has slowed down on drinking as work and household responsibilities increase.
My logical advice is: 1. if he can not drink, you can not drink. 2. let him try it, friday night, you both have a drink of choice. 3. if it gets out of hand, or leads to something else, he leaves until he cleans up. 4. if he becomes addicted, get as much of your property out of his hands. Do not let him drive a car. limit the cash he has access to. 5. He should probably still go to NA or NarAnon. 6. If the logical advice does not work, go back to #1.
Addiction is not Logical.
A relative had a drinking problem. After being sober for about 20 years, he did have an occasional drink. everyone is different.
Have you been going to NarAnon? whats good for one is good for both of you.
I do not think anyone would agree with letting him try to have a few drinks..... but he is in control of himself. (Sorry that I am even suggesting it!)
My logical advice is: 1. if he can not drink, you can not drink. 2. let him try it, friday night, you both have a drink of choice. 3. if it gets out of hand, or leads to something else, he leaves until he cleans up. 4. if he becomes addicted, get as much of your property out of his hands. Do not let him drive a car. limit the cash he has access to. 5. He should probably still go to NA or NarAnon. 6. If the logical advice does not work, go back to #1.
Addiction is not Logical.
A relative had a drinking problem. After being sober for about 20 years, he did have an occasional drink. everyone is different.
Have you been going to NarAnon? whats good for one is good for both of you.
I do not think anyone would agree with letting him try to have a few drinks..... but he is in control of himself. (Sorry that I am even suggesting it!)
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Your husband told you himself that he cannot drink without it being a gateway to other things. He's now trying to rationalize it. In my opinion, this can't be a good thing. I'm hoping some of the other recovering addicts on this site chime in to give you their advice. I think they'll say the same thing as I am but I could be wrong. Good luck.
Michelle
Michelle
Myself and a lot of the oldtimers I know hit a wall around the 20yr mark.
I know a lot of folks who have gone back out after many years of sobriety.
That is why it is called alcohol"IS"m .. not alcohol"WAS"m.
The process of recovery is well described by Don C in his video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wue3...eature=youtu.be
AA's Big Book says: "It is easy to let up ....." http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_85.htm
but we are not cured - we have a daily reprieve.
Good luck.
Bob R
I know a lot of folks who have gone back out after many years of sobriety.
That is why it is called alcohol"IS"m .. not alcohol"WAS"m.
The process of recovery is well described by Don C in his video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wue3...eature=youtu.be
AA's Big Book says: "It is easy to let up ....." http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_85.htm
but we are not cured - we have a daily reprieve.
Good luck.
Bob R
Starts with an itch to want to use...the kind that doesn't go away and makes old timers ask where your not working in you're program...convinced we can control it this time we first pick something we think is the lesser of evils. ..this of course is just an excuse ...because we've already decided to use... we know this long before we do...and the behaviors. ..like stopping going to meetings. ..alienating loved ones...withdrawing ..etc....are all signs we've gone into drug mode...or in my case..junkie mode...I have my sponsors number posted on the fridge and have given my spouse permission to call in a crisis she feels unable to handle...she turns it over to the ones who might help knowing full well she cant...and no..you cannot ask this...it must be given...she then disconnects...doesn't discuss.. doesn't ask...she sets the boundaries. ..I meet them or deal with what I know comes next..on my own...the need never goes away really..it can sneak up on us so fast. ..even after years...
I'm sorry this is happening to you guys. It's a shame! I don't think you should be or should have been drinking around him even when he said he was fine with it. Maybe you should start going to NA with him not because you have to but to support him. I would think he needs to continue what kept him sober in the first place which was NA. Good luck!
I am certainly not an expert , but have learned from hard knocks. My son said the same thing Con the itch never goes away when he was sober. Or he wasn't sober and trying to rationalize.
But what I do know is if you can't drink you can't drink. If you are an addict you can't control it ever!! I watch my son one day pop ten xanax at once. Once I got over the shock that he ate them like m & m's I said my god your going to die. He totally denied it and said he drop them .
I am sorry you are going through this, I hope he get's back on the road of sobriety.
Sending heartfelt prayers.
But what I do know is if you can't drink you can't drink. If you are an addict you can't control it ever!! I watch my son one day pop ten xanax at once. Once I got over the shock that he ate them like m & m's I said my god your going to die. He totally denied it and said he drop them .
I am sorry you are going through this, I hope he get's back on the road of sobriety.
Sending heartfelt prayers.
My story is different ...
The compulsion to drink/use went away in my first year.
Most of the oldtimers I know are the same.
The struggles we have today are LIVING SOBER.
I like what AA's DAILY REFLECTION says about the recovery process in their Jan 2 page
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...?y=2016&m=1&d=2
I have no desire to drink/use and the thoughts about it today are very random and fleeting.
You will notice that The Promises of AA do not state I will never drink again.
Alcohol isn't even mentioned .....
http://www.singaporeaa.org/PDFs/The...AA_Promises.pdf
When a person COMMITS to AA/NA a whole new world opens up.
All the best.
Bob
The compulsion to drink/use went away in my first year.
Most of the oldtimers I know are the same.
The struggles we have today are LIVING SOBER.
I like what AA's DAILY REFLECTION says about the recovery process in their Jan 2 page
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...?y=2016&m=1&d=2
I have no desire to drink/use and the thoughts about it today are very random and fleeting.
You will notice that The Promises of AA do not state I will never drink again.
Alcohol isn't even mentioned .....
http://www.singaporeaa.org/PDFs/The...AA_Promises.pdf
When a person COMMITS to AA/NA a whole new world opens up.
All the best.
Bob
Zetagirl- First and foremost, I am so sorry that you are going through this after 17 yrs sober and 10 years married. I can understand your utter disbelieve as well as your fear. It's okay. But for right now, sit down and BREATH!!!
Thank God he told you about his past use. At least you are not going into this blindly. Stop and pause and think of what he told you. You've got a lot of insight into what he MAY do and what signals to look out for if he goes down the slippery slope to addiction. Listen to what he told you.
I have one gf who was a crack addict. She didn't touch a drop of alchohol or use anything for 7 years. Ok. . . she drinks socially now, and doesn't do anything harder. My godbrother, on the other hand, was a alcoholic who detoxed and stayed sober for 2 years. The first sip he took, he was back drinking hard and heavy. Everyone is different. But your hubby TOLD you what would bring him back to drugs. . . alcohol. Believe him!!!
You can't play sobriety police with him but I don't think it is a good idea for you to drink around him. Why tempt him like that?? You can also encourage him to continue to go to meetings. There is no cure for addiction. And, you might want to go to a few Naranon or Alanon meetings yourself to get support, learn more and learn how to take care of yourself during his journey. Because at the end of the day, it is his decision and his journey.
To one Wife from another. . . I believe in planning for the worst and hoping for the best. So. . .I'd also create a "me" fund. Stash a little money to the side -- in an account he cannot gain access to and with electronic statements-- just in case you may need a few dollars for anything that may arise in the future (e.g., bail, lawyers, med expenses, mortgage/rent, etc). If you can, I'd also get a "me" credit card. God Forbid, but if he does relapse and run thru your joint money/assets, you've got a little something to fall back on.
Sending hugs and lots of prayers your way!!!
Lynn
Thank God he told you about his past use. At least you are not going into this blindly. Stop and pause and think of what he told you. You've got a lot of insight into what he MAY do and what signals to look out for if he goes down the slippery slope to addiction. Listen to what he told you.
I have one gf who was a crack addict. She didn't touch a drop of alchohol or use anything for 7 years. Ok. . . she drinks socially now, and doesn't do anything harder. My godbrother, on the other hand, was a alcoholic who detoxed and stayed sober for 2 years. The first sip he took, he was back drinking hard and heavy. Everyone is different. But your hubby TOLD you what would bring him back to drugs. . . alcohol. Believe him!!!
You can't play sobriety police with him but I don't think it is a good idea for you to drink around him. Why tempt him like that?? You can also encourage him to continue to go to meetings. There is no cure for addiction. And, you might want to go to a few Naranon or Alanon meetings yourself to get support, learn more and learn how to take care of yourself during his journey. Because at the end of the day, it is his decision and his journey.
To one Wife from another. . . I believe in planning for the worst and hoping for the best. So. . .I'd also create a "me" fund. Stash a little money to the side -- in an account he cannot gain access to and with electronic statements-- just in case you may need a few dollars for anything that may arise in the future (e.g., bail, lawyers, med expenses, mortgage/rent, etc). If you can, I'd also get a "me" credit card. God Forbid, but if he does relapse and run thru your joint money/assets, you've got a little something to fall back on.
Sending hugs and lots of prayers your way!!!
Lynn
I am a recovering crack addict. There is NOTHING YOU can do except make sure you have a plan in place for protecting your money.....crack is very expensive should he go down this road. This is something he feels he NEEDS to do. Hopefully it won't end in disaster but chances are this will run its course and he will find NA again as many people do. Unfortunately a lot of us have to TRY again...try to be NORMAL and its just part of the journey. There is no reason to flip out and make yourself sick. One thing I have noticed with myself is I would sometimes DRINK because it was more acceptable when deep down, if I was honest with myself, It was the CRACK that I really wanted. The drinking made me vulnerable enough to then call up dealer. It took me a while to figure this out....HE needs to figure this out on his own. I believe that I HAD to go through ALL the relapses ect , unfortunately, to get where I am today. Things have to run their course.
