Quitting meth is without a doubt the toughest thing I have ever been thru in my life. I started drinking and doing drugs when I was 14,...I was never one to just get a little high. When I drank,...I drank to get hammered, was a chain smoker of pot ( funny tho, I never got into smoking cigarettes) If one pill got me high, I'd take a bunch. I abused everything I got my hands on.
Coke was the first drug I realized I had to quit,...I felt like I was losing my mind. I no longer enjoyed the high and so I just started saying no to coke. As I got older and had kids, I felt getting clean and sober was the right thing to do. Basically, I just upped and stopped getting high. Except for meth,....I already had 15 years of using it,....without it, I crashed hard, a zombie for a couple weeks. After that I'd be so tired, lethargic, and unmotivated the depression I went thru seemed a hundred times worse.
I used to pride myself on having a strong will. Before drugs I was very athletic, I was proud of how I could will myself through the most extreme workouts. That fact,. and the fact I was able to just quit using everything else with no problem really tripped me out, "why the hell was quitting meth so frickin hard?" I had to accept the fact meth is my Achilles heal. I couldnt even put a number to the amount of times I tried to stop using. All those failures made me feel like a total failure as a man, a dad, a person.
I ended up goin thru a period of time where my health seemed to be getting worse and worse. Asthma got so bad I was doing breathing treatments at home every 3 to 4 hours, A gallstone attack that put me in the hospital for a couple weeks,....G.I. tract issues that I have to this day (meth addicts aren't really known for their proper diets,...fast and junk food took a toll) at 49yrs old my mortality kinda became a major thought. I was smart enought to read the writing on the wall,......keep using meth and I wouldnt be around much longer. So I started getting online and doing research about meth. Finding many websites by and for meth addicts. The easiest way to describe what I did was "I sprinted to the finish line"
Instead of wasting my high doin stupid tweaker stuff,....my plan was to use the last of my meth to make a plan. It is so true that an addict has to want recovery. The very best methods and programs may get an addict clean for a little while. LOved ones can threaten, use tough love,.....or they can use kindness, love and concern......I wont say it does zero good, but it's just a drop in the bucket. 12 step programs and rehab facilities are full of addicts there only because they were court ordered, or pushed into it by loved ones, ...
I wont say they arent worth it tho,...I've been thru a few programs, I managed to keep a lot of the information I learned in them to use in my final push to quit. Honestly tho,...I truly believe in all my heart that the most important part of an addicts recovery is their desire to no longer use. Recovery isnt something we just accomplish and move on with life. I keep coming back here and writing just as much for myself as for others......Meth is everywhere, heck, it can be made easily if there's none around,.....I want and desire being free of meth just as much now as I did 7-8 years ago.
I was extremely fortunate, blessed even,....circumstances fell into place the right way at the right time. A crazy violent split up between myself and daughters mother,...A lady friend I had gotten to know and became close friends with in an online gaming/chatroom site. I knew her and her boyfriend both, he'd gotten pancreatic cancer,...it took him quickly,..it was about a year after his passing when we talked about a relationship. I flew out to meet her in person,..In spite of my issues (yes, I fully opened up and told her all about my addiction) she wanted to give us a try. I knew I was powerless to meth,...a new start 2500 miles away seemed the perfect answer. I knew no one else here but her and her son&daughter.
All my family, mother, sisters, daughter, stepdaughter,my dog, everyone I knew and loved were all in California,.....It was a tough choice to make. Luckily my ex in our seperation thought she'd get even with me by telling the kids I was addicted to meth. It backfired, I was actually grateful she did,...it was the one and only thing I was ever dishonest about to my kids. It made it easier to leave....I told my kids, my mom and sisters I had to get away from meth or die. It's tough living so far away, but I get out there now and then to visit, I'm still alive, I plan on staying alive, I have grandkids I want to see grow up.
One month after visiting here,...I was on a flight to stay and live here. My 50th birthday,..my GF asked me if I brought a stash with me. Lying is no way to start a relationship, I told her yes, I had 3-4 grams with me....that stash was only going to delay the inevitable,...so for the first time in my life,..I wasted meth,...flushed it all down the toilet. It really felt like a defining moment in my life.
So how'd I do it? I struggled,....a LOT. What'd my GF do to help me? not a thing really, she has no addictions,....she's a hard working, good, caring mother,...all she did was do her thing, she never pampered me, bitched at me,....we made a deal she'd cook and I'd clean. Maybe she's just a master at the passive-aggressive thing,...but if I was too fried to clean, she'd do it, I cant say if it's anything she did, or just my core values kickin in, but I'd feel guilty as heck if I didnt hold up my end. I spent a lot of time online at recovery support boards,...I was fallin apart and it was reassuring to chat with others who were either going thru it also, or had gone thru it,....Knowing there really was light at the end of the tunnel was the thread I held onto. ( reality was I felt like that light in the tunnel was a train coming down on me hard)
My research taught me that my pleasure/reward centers of my brain needed to be rewired, reprogrammed.......So when the family was goin to the various amusement parks here,...I would'nt feel like going, but I'd force myself to go.....Don't know if any of you have been to cedar point in sandusky ohio,.....they got several world class coasters and rides. tell y'all what 0 to over 120mph in 4 seconds or less, then straight up 450 feet, straight back down and up to 120mph again,....a 23 second long ride,....it was the first time I felt alive since quitting.
I truly feel that extreme stuff that really kicks up the natural pathways of adrenaline, fear, excitement is a cool way of reprogramming the brain to work in the natural way it is supposed to. Studies have shown that the highest levels of dopamine ( the feel good neuro-transmitter) happen during mind-blowing sexual activity,.....just being on meth, dopamine levels are over a thousand times higher than that......once meth is left out,...the addicts dopamine is almost non-existant.....it is the worst kind of depression. The longer the addict uses, the more damage is done,..the worse the rebound effect is.
I apologize for rambling, First off, do not go blaming yourself! this is his addiction, not yours, this is your life however,...so you have the right, and should use that right to allow, or not allow the things you want. Stick to the boundaries you set for yourself,...then it is left to him what to do,...or hopefully not do. Realize that meth addicts are notorious liars, at best they'll just give you the words they think you want to hear. Talk is cheap, it is only in his actions that you can base anything on. If you want to support him,..then only be supportive of his choices you approve of......when he's up to no good,....you have every right to express where "you" are comin from.....Us addicts take personal attacks as an excuse to use. Maybe if he let into a situation where his highs are not fun anymore,...when he see's meth is leading him to lose everything important,........while learning he can have fun without meth,...that life is going to happen regardless of being high or not,.....and that life on the natural not only can be, but is truly better not being high.
You cant force an addict to get clean,....but ya can find a way to make them realize drugs aren't workin in their lives,....like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but ya can't make him drink" you can force an addict into recovery, but in the end,..the addict has to want it,,,,,to drink up life in the natural way it was always meant to.
I know i should not blame myself but sometimes i feel like i am to be blamed as well. Cos i sometimes let him use just To avoid all the fights and dramas and it scares my baby when our voices gets too high. So yeah sometimes i just let him. Cos what will happen is we will fight and then he will still win. He would tell me tahts the last and he wont do it again. But after a week i would realise its all lie.
Like you, he started using at a very young age i think 15. Maybe thats why its hard for him to stop. But you know what when we met he never uses. I know cos we were together everyday after work we would go out watch movies, eat somewhere. But months after we lived together he goes back to his thing. At first i didnt know cos i wasnt aware that he used before, and i dont really have any idea about ice, i only sees them on tv shows you know and hears in the news so yeah im an idiot about it. but then when he gets home that night, from his brother's house, he acts really strange and he smells really bad he smells a million tons of smoke. But i know he doesnt smokes. So its strange really. And he told me they would just drink so i never had an idea that he would do any other thing. Ohh thinking about when we first met and started going it makes me really miss the old him. The one who dont use you know. Anyways, i know i couldnt force him to get clean but i really want him to. So i would never get tired nagging him about it. I hope one day he would realise that he really has to stop.
Its good to hear you have found someone who dont have any addiction. I wish i could too you know.
Like you, he started using at a very young age i think 15. Maybe thats why its hard for him to stop. But you know what when we met he never uses. I know cos we were together everyday after work we would go out watch movies, eat somewhere. But months after we lived together he goes back to his thing. At first i didnt know cos i wasnt aware that he used before, and i dont really have any idea about ice, i only sees them on tv shows you know and hears in the news so yeah im an idiot about it. but then when he gets home that night, from his brother's house, he acts really strange and he smells really bad he smells a million tons of smoke. But i know he doesnt smokes. So its strange really. And he told me they would just drink so i never had an idea that he would do any other thing. Ohh thinking about when we first met and started going it makes me really miss the old him. The one who dont use you know. Anyways, i know i couldnt force him to get clean but i really want him to. So i would never get tired nagging him about it. I hope one day he would realise that he really has to stop.
Its good to hear you have found someone who dont have any addiction. I wish i could too you know.
I'm so angry right now I gottta write it out. In todays online paper, a 22 yr old girl was found dead in a car,..she was with a friend who was in severe medical distress and is now in hospital. Yes, they did find drugs in the car.
What is really pissing me off is that of the 16 comments left about the story,...most of them were so cold and heartless. "She got what she deserved" "good riddance" "we're raised being told drugs kill, she did them anyway, too bad"
In no way am I justifying drugs,...it just blows me away that supposedly "decent" people can be so non-understanding. I got to thinking how a lot of addicts I've known became addicted after being in the hospital after an accident. I know several here that were prescribed powerfull painkillers for surgeries,....The pills are so damn expensive they go to heroin. They're addicted before they know it by a legitimate and legally prescribed reason.
Maybe I'm just turnin into that grumpy old fart with no tolerance of others. I've noticed in myself lately,..I have no tolerance for people with no tolerance. hehe, how ironic eh?
I just had to rant.
What is really pissing me off is that of the 16 comments left about the story,...most of them were so cold and heartless. "She got what she deserved" "good riddance" "we're raised being told drugs kill, she did them anyway, too bad"
In no way am I justifying drugs,...it just blows me away that supposedly "decent" people can be so non-understanding. I got to thinking how a lot of addicts I've known became addicted after being in the hospital after an accident. I know several here that were prescribed powerfull painkillers for surgeries,....The pills are so damn expensive they go to heroin. They're addicted before they know it by a legitimate and legally prescribed reason.
Maybe I'm just turnin into that grumpy old fart with no tolerance of others. I've noticed in myself lately,..I have no tolerance for people with no tolerance. hehe, how ironic eh?
I just had to rant.
Some young people maybe dont anticipate what might happen when they drive under influence i dont know should parents be somehow responsible for this? In the very beginning shouldn't they be guiding their kids? Im scared cos im a parent too. Though my little one is very very young. I dont know i might be spying on him when he gets old lol
Anyways, justinemore i had to ask, does vomitting ever happened to you when you were using meths? Or maybe after you used?
Anyways, justinemore i had to ask, does vomitting ever happened to you when you were using meths? Or maybe after you used?
J1M...you are not a grumpy old fart...and they are not decent human beings. I have noticed that there is a small but constant group of people who post on our local paper's site and they are obnoxious...it's like a little club, or maybe two little clubs that butt heads and show no concern for the feelings of the familes left behind. They are stupid and insensitive and not worthy of renting any of the space in your head.
Harumi, haven't seen you on the family board....
Peace ~ M&M
PS Just, I'll be catching up on emails this week, school vacation =)
Harumi, haven't seen you on the family board....
Peace ~ M&M
PS Just, I'll be catching up on emails this week, school vacation =)
I agree with you on that M&M. Some people are just so insensitive of other's feelings. Anyways hope we can from you again when the vacation's over.
Justonemore! I hope you could share more of your experience. I would really appreciate it. I am really curious of what you felt during those times i hope you wont mind. I have asked my partner what goes on his head when he uses and all he tells me is that he wants to gamble and he laughs at me. I dont think he takes my question seriously, i mean i really wanna know. Im not just curious or anything, i am more concern of what he thinks and feels at those exact moments. And im a bit worried he might be getting paranoid, cos sometimes he accuses me of things like hacking his phone or listening to his phone conversations. I wish i could do that but im not a tech expert.
Justonemore! I hope you could share more of your experience. I would really appreciate it. I am really curious of what you felt during those times i hope you wont mind. I have asked my partner what goes on his head when he uses and all he tells me is that he wants to gamble and he laughs at me. I dont think he takes my question seriously, i mean i really wanna know. Im not just curious or anything, i am more concern of what he thinks and feels at those exact moments. And im a bit worried he might be getting paranoid, cos sometimes he accuses me of things like hacking his phone or listening to his phone conversations. I wish i could do that but im not a tech expert.
Harumi, you are spending too much time worrying about the wrong things. Trying to get into his head is a waste of time and is frankly invasive...it is neither healthy nor necessary. You need to be getting into your own head and figuring out what you are willing to do for yourself. Nothing Just1More can tell you will change a thing about your situation and will not make you and your baby happy or safe...it will just prolong your own recovery. Allowing him to disrespect you and disregard your family's needs just gives him license to keep doing just that. Your husband is an addict and there isn't much more to it than that...he drinks and uses and gambles and not one thing you learn or do or say will change that until he's sick and tired of being sick and tired or until the consequences and pain of using exceed the pleasure...don't be a doormat.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Peace ~ MomNMore
I am back,....darned laptop just stopped bootin up, Saved up the money to get it repaired, just for giggles I tried turning it on one more time,....and as if it is taunting me, it started working again! I've got like a million emails to get thru. Just wanted to stop in quickly and let ya'all know I'm ok and to see if there were any new posts,...wow, big surprise (not) not much.
I am gonna be hit and miss for a while, in process of moving
Good to know buddy, I'll catch up to you via email. xo
Gotta admit it feels kinda scary leaving what I knew to be a safe zone. But It was becoming unhealthy as a place to live anymore,....it's not a good thing when I want to escape,...or feel tense at home,....I feel badly but at same time know the only control I have is over my life. If moving on is what it takes to live happy then I got to bite the bullet and go for it.
I've said enough to others "if nothing changes, then nothing changes" enough,...time for me to listen to my own advice.... wish me luck
I've said enough to others "if nothing changes, then nothing changes" enough,...time for me to listen to my own advice.... wish me luck
Help, do I give up? I love my husband so much. I found out in aug he was using meth. I am a God loving woman and know nothing about meth. I knew form tv what it was so when I found it i was horrified. My husband lied jan 1st told me (he is a fireman) that he had to go to a station and do some extra work for his captians test coming up. I had a gut feeling he was lying like he has done a few times. went to the station praying his car would be there. It wasnt. I was so mad. The lies and I knew. I knew what he went to go do. I said, in a text "i want a divorce" but I didnt want one. He of course said "Ok" and that he said he cant be married. I wonder if it is just the meth or other women. I guess it doenst matter. I would like to stay married but no to a addict. I cant put my family through it. I met with him on the 11th. He seem cold and distant. wanted to move back in but then changed his mind. said he doesnt have a problem that he just isnt good and being married. I should leave and never look back. I said i would help in his recovery but he needs to choose and deceide for himself .
So I lost my husnand to meth and or another woman. I feel so alone. Just in nov he worte that i was his angle that I saved his life. He was an amazing husband when he wasnt high. I dont know what to do. I am so so sad. I cant say anything to him. I want to call him tell him i love him but i dont think that will help. In one month i lost him. He isnt the same man. he used to call and text and call me bootsie now im just a name in his phone. my picture is gone from his screen saver. When we met at a bed and breakfast he was loving but distant. angry at times and blames me for things. Tells me to leave then to stay. Says the reason he watches porn is because he like to see women being abused and all women are whores. He said that with such anger. Where is that loving man? I lost him and i think he is doing me a favor. He wants his own place, and i said fine but we wont be a married couple, and said just take off your ring. help
So I lost my husnand to meth and or another woman. I feel so alone. Just in nov he worte that i was his angle that I saved his life. He was an amazing husband when he wasnt high. I dont know what to do. I am so so sad. I cant say anything to him. I want to call him tell him i love him but i dont think that will help. In one month i lost him. He isnt the same man. he used to call and text and call me bootsie now im just a name in his phone. my picture is gone from his screen saver. When we met at a bed and breakfast he was loving but distant. angry at times and blames me for things. Tells me to leave then to stay. Says the reason he watches porn is because he like to see women being abused and all women are whores. He said that with such anger. Where is that loving man? I lost him and i think he is doing me a favor. He wants his own place, and i said fine but we wont be a married couple, and said just take off your ring. help
Try posting in the families/partners ! Take care
May You Rest In Peace Al...Love. Linda
He will be missed...a lot...and by many =(
Hello I'm Sash,
I am 22 and been on average been a once a week meth smoker for about 5 years. I have always had a problem in the back of my mind with it, but action's speak louder than words and before i know it im high! Once i come down i beat myself up real bad then get sober for a week or 5 days- i start feeling good then relapse again :(
I keep thinking of moving away even just vanishing because i know so many people that do it regularly in my home town. Its shocking how many people have a pipe in there pocket!
I am a functioning addict, i even went to work high as f*** the other day and i swear i looked it :(
People arnt dumb, you cant think they dont know :(
Anyway i need therapy, actually i just need to help myself, get my power back, stop spending time with no hopers and Live my dreams.
P.s. it is nice to relate and hear of people that have recovered for a year or longer!! Good work :}
I am 22 and been on average been a once a week meth smoker for about 5 years. I have always had a problem in the back of my mind with it, but action's speak louder than words and before i know it im high! Once i come down i beat myself up real bad then get sober for a week or 5 days- i start feeling good then relapse again :(
I keep thinking of moving away even just vanishing because i know so many people that do it regularly in my home town. Its shocking how many people have a pipe in there pocket!
I am a functioning addict, i even went to work high as f*** the other day and i swear i looked it :(
People arnt dumb, you cant think they dont know :(
Anyway i need therapy, actually i just need to help myself, get my power back, stop spending time with no hopers and Live my dreams.
P.s. it is nice to relate and hear of people that have recovered for a year or longer!! Good work :}
I to have been trying to quit. I been using since I got back from the navy in 1998. I tried it once and went like a rocket.I still have not stopped even after several failed relationship s. Now my current wife went to draw up a divorce and told them all about me. I am so acarec that I will call drug test for custody court on my 3 yr old. Today is day 1 for me. AGAIN. This time I've got to win......
I cannot afford to lose everything again. To method. I mean I'm tired of wasting my money and time.
I can hardly get past a half day without using if I know where. Its so tough on my family. It tears families apart across the USA. It may not feel like it st first but keep using and you will see. You won't have me anything left. Nothing. But prayer
Oh yeah did I tell you I went from my 4corner post bed to because down to a air mattress on the floor so I can have a place to stay. Divorce is around the corner and I still have got got to get prepared. Lord here I am down on my hands. Find some groupacanf stay with it
