I have been reading Oneill's story and while I was very much caught up in his postings, throughout it all your comments kept popping out. I know you said you like to write and it is obvious that you have a real talent for it. You wrote about the number of people that you have known who have died from drugs, including a friend who died from liver damage a few days before you quit. I am not sure that people really picked up on what you were going through, while dealing with Oneill's nephew. Have you managed to stay clean since September? Whether you have or not, I admire your strength and style.
PS. If I see Lance Armstrong I will be sure to pass along your name.
Tim,
No, I haven't been clean since September.... You would think that the death of a close friend would have been enough to keep me away from drugs forever (and back then, I thought it would be), but I relapsed two months later.
I stumbled across the 200 pain pills I had in the house, the ones that I couldn't throw away during withdrawal. I had my husband hide them, but they weren't hidden good...... and one day, in the midst of a bad migraine, I decided to take a couple (one and a half to be precise). I told myself "I won't let this get out of hand; I'll take them ONLY when I really need them," but of course that didn't work. Right after that I had dental surgery and being on Vicodin for that sucked me right back into addiction.
My addiction from November to January of this year was probably the worst that it's ever been (though last summer was out of control as well). I could now take 4 1/2 pills at a time and still not get a high from them...... I was lying about my addiction, hiding pills all over the house, going through a month's supply in about a week and a half..... I was a hardcore addict.
It scared me because if the death of a friend didn't help me stay clean and sober, what would? What would it take? This guy died from taking the exact same thing that I took (though he took about 3 times as many and was a daily drinker as well) and yet, here I was, taking them again..... I didn't want to die, but the threat of death didn't stop me from doing drugs.
I always gave everyone the same excuses: "My doctor prescribes them for me" or "I only take them once or twice a day" or "I'm in pain; I NEED these pills"..... I said these so much that I had started to believe them one day myself.
What worked for me was getting into therapy while I was still using.... My therapist didn't put me down or nag me about quitting; In fact, at our first session, my husband started telling him about my addiction and the therapist said "I'm not worried about that. You'll quit when you want to quit. You know your liver is going to fail, you know your kidneys are going to fail.... you know this already. You'll quit when you're ready."
Then one day, my husband and I had "the talk"..... he had tried everything and nothing worked.... He tried begging, pleading.... he tried yelling or threatening to leave.... he tried it all. On this day, as we were arguing about my addiction, I realized that he had reached his breaking point. I looked in his eyes and I could tell that he was starting to think that I was a lost cause..... he wasn't going to beg or plead any more. He looked at me like he knew it was only a matter of time before I killed myself and he was preparing himself for that.
I was about to lose my husband and I didn't want to. My son ran into the room and all I could think was how hard it would be for him to grow up without a mom (because it was only a matter of time before I died from this addiction). I didn't want to give up my beautiful home (which I would have to if we'd have gotten divorced)....
I looked around and realized that I was risking my soulmate, my family, my LIFE.... and for what? For some pills in a little bottle? For a high that I wasn't even really getting any more?
So on January 24, 2005, I started suboxone and have been clean ever since. It is the absolute best thing that I could have done. It is not a miracle drug and I'm actually thinking about getting off of it soon because of the cost, but it gave me my life back. It kept me from getting sick (which causes some people to relapse)..... but, more importantly, it kept me from taking pills again and being on the merry-go-round of "relapse/withdrawal, relapse/withdrawal".
I work in a gentlemen's club and drugs are all around, especially during Mardi Gras.... I was able to go to work and NOT take a couple of vicodin because of the sub. Even when you get clean, no matter how you do it, the drugs may be out of your body but your mind still craves the substance you were addicted to. Your brain is still seeking out your drug of choice. When I would have these thoughts and get that feeling where I would just want to feel that euphoria again, the sub kept me from doing that (if you take pain pills on top of the sub, either you won't feel the pills at all or it can make you really sick).
I'm not healed.... I still go to therapy once a week and when I get off of sub, I'm going to start going to AA again (I realize the only way for me to really STAY sober is to have the support of others, but also for me to work at it and really take care of myself). I don't work much any more.... I go to school and this summer I'm going to renew my real estate license so that I can do that while I'm finishing my degree in Marketing. I've given up so many friendships and made a lot of changes in my day to day life.
When my son hugs me every day, that's what reminds me to keep up the fight.... I don't want to miss out on him growing up.
I want to live.
Danielle
No, I haven't been clean since September.... You would think that the death of a close friend would have been enough to keep me away from drugs forever (and back then, I thought it would be), but I relapsed two months later.
I stumbled across the 200 pain pills I had in the house, the ones that I couldn't throw away during withdrawal. I had my husband hide them, but they weren't hidden good...... and one day, in the midst of a bad migraine, I decided to take a couple (one and a half to be precise). I told myself "I won't let this get out of hand; I'll take them ONLY when I really need them," but of course that didn't work. Right after that I had dental surgery and being on Vicodin for that sucked me right back into addiction.
My addiction from November to January of this year was probably the worst that it's ever been (though last summer was out of control as well). I could now take 4 1/2 pills at a time and still not get a high from them...... I was lying about my addiction, hiding pills all over the house, going through a month's supply in about a week and a half..... I was a hardcore addict.
It scared me because if the death of a friend didn't help me stay clean and sober, what would? What would it take? This guy died from taking the exact same thing that I took (though he took about 3 times as many and was a daily drinker as well) and yet, here I was, taking them again..... I didn't want to die, but the threat of death didn't stop me from doing drugs.
I always gave everyone the same excuses: "My doctor prescribes them for me" or "I only take them once or twice a day" or "I'm in pain; I NEED these pills"..... I said these so much that I had started to believe them one day myself.
What worked for me was getting into therapy while I was still using.... My therapist didn't put me down or nag me about quitting; In fact, at our first session, my husband started telling him about my addiction and the therapist said "I'm not worried about that. You'll quit when you want to quit. You know your liver is going to fail, you know your kidneys are going to fail.... you know this already. You'll quit when you're ready."
Then one day, my husband and I had "the talk"..... he had tried everything and nothing worked.... He tried begging, pleading.... he tried yelling or threatening to leave.... he tried it all. On this day, as we were arguing about my addiction, I realized that he had reached his breaking point. I looked in his eyes and I could tell that he was starting to think that I was a lost cause..... he wasn't going to beg or plead any more. He looked at me like he knew it was only a matter of time before I killed myself and he was preparing himself for that.
I was about to lose my husband and I didn't want to. My son ran into the room and all I could think was how hard it would be for him to grow up without a mom (because it was only a matter of time before I died from this addiction). I didn't want to give up my beautiful home (which I would have to if we'd have gotten divorced)....
I looked around and realized that I was risking my soulmate, my family, my LIFE.... and for what? For some pills in a little bottle? For a high that I wasn't even really getting any more?
So on January 24, 2005, I started suboxone and have been clean ever since. It is the absolute best thing that I could have done. It is not a miracle drug and I'm actually thinking about getting off of it soon because of the cost, but it gave me my life back. It kept me from getting sick (which causes some people to relapse)..... but, more importantly, it kept me from taking pills again and being on the merry-go-round of "relapse/withdrawal, relapse/withdrawal".
I work in a gentlemen's club and drugs are all around, especially during Mardi Gras.... I was able to go to work and NOT take a couple of vicodin because of the sub. Even when you get clean, no matter how you do it, the drugs may be out of your body but your mind still craves the substance you were addicted to. Your brain is still seeking out your drug of choice. When I would have these thoughts and get that feeling where I would just want to feel that euphoria again, the sub kept me from doing that (if you take pain pills on top of the sub, either you won't feel the pills at all or it can make you really sick).
I'm not healed.... I still go to therapy once a week and when I get off of sub, I'm going to start going to AA again (I realize the only way for me to really STAY sober is to have the support of others, but also for me to work at it and really take care of myself). I don't work much any more.... I go to school and this summer I'm going to renew my real estate license so that I can do that while I'm finishing my degree in Marketing. I've given up so many friendships and made a lot of changes in my day to day life.
When my son hugs me every day, that's what reminds me to keep up the fight.... I don't want to miss out on him growing up.
I want to live.
Danielle
Have you ever done anything with your writing? I think that it takes a similar discipline to staying sober. You have to do it even when it is easier to not, when you really can't be bothered. I read a great deal and I believe that you have a natural ability as a story teller.
As I think you know, my wife died suddenly last year. Though it was neither a conscious nor a deliberate link, I am sure that her death has helped get me to where I am now - quitting. I have three beautiful children, ages 7, 5 and a little under 2. I will not let them lose their father as well, if I can help it - especially over something as silly and trivial as getting high. When you hear about what other people have survived, the hardships they have endured, it makes my own self-pity seem particularly misplaced. I don't know what creates an addict. My brother, who is 5 years older, has never been addicted despite being exposed to many of the same situations and temptations. For my part, there hasn't been a mood altering substance that I haven't flirted with, and in most cases, entered into a long torrid affair. However, as with most falsehoods, my affairs have been ill-fated, leading to addiction and then the slow process of withdrawal. Fortunately, my marriage was good and showed me that there was more to life than jumping from high to high. However, my wife never knew about my addiction to Ultram (she was aware of past problems), where I wanted her to see me as better than I am.
Your husband sounds like a good man and you are clearly lucky to have each other. I am glad that you came to your senses before he lost you.
I have recently become engaged and again I am happy (for the most part). Jennifer knows of my current and past addictions, though even there I down played just how long I had been using. Maybe with the help of my therapist and good people on the internet, I will be able to completely reveal myself to the ones I love.
As I think you know, my wife died suddenly last year. Though it was neither a conscious nor a deliberate link, I am sure that her death has helped get me to where I am now - quitting. I have three beautiful children, ages 7, 5 and a little under 2. I will not let them lose their father as well, if I can help it - especially over something as silly and trivial as getting high. When you hear about what other people have survived, the hardships they have endured, it makes my own self-pity seem particularly misplaced. I don't know what creates an addict. My brother, who is 5 years older, has never been addicted despite being exposed to many of the same situations and temptations. For my part, there hasn't been a mood altering substance that I haven't flirted with, and in most cases, entered into a long torrid affair. However, as with most falsehoods, my affairs have been ill-fated, leading to addiction and then the slow process of withdrawal. Fortunately, my marriage was good and showed me that there was more to life than jumping from high to high. However, my wife never knew about my addiction to Ultram (she was aware of past problems), where I wanted her to see me as better than I am.
Your husband sounds like a good man and you are clearly lucky to have each other. I am glad that you came to your senses before he lost you.
I have recently become engaged and again I am happy (for the most part). Jennifer knows of my current and past addictions, though even there I down played just how long I had been using. Maybe with the help of my therapist and good people on the internet, I will be able to completely reveal myself to the ones I love.
Tim,
No, I've never done anything with my writings.... I wrote a 329 page book in high school, but never got it published..... I read it now and laugh at how I thought back then! LOL
I HAVE been thinking about writing my story on addiction and trying to get it published in a magazine, but it's only a thought so far. I think it would be a great help for others because I don't look like what you think a drug addict is supposed to look like. When you think of addicts, you think of someone who's lost their job, doesn't wash their hair, has track marks up and down their arms, has sores on their body...... we stereotype addicts and look down upon them.
But maybe if there was someone out there - a NEW face for addiction- a wife, a mother, attractive, nice home.... maybe if we make THAT the face of addiction, people will not run away from us but will start treating this as a sickness that can be cured with love and support.
We'll see.... I've been so busy with my own life and trying to stay clean on top of that, that I haven't had time for writing lately.
Yes, I remember talking to you about your wife. I'm so sorry about that. You are doing the right thing about getting clean because your kids need you... you're all they have now and I know you want to be around to take care of them, at least until they're all adults.
Congratulations on your engagement...... Your wife would have wanted you to find someone to share your life with, to love and be a mother to the kids.... I'm sure of that. Just be honest with her - getting clean got A LOT easier when I stopped hiding things from my husband and I started turning to him for support.
Danielle
No, I've never done anything with my writings.... I wrote a 329 page book in high school, but never got it published..... I read it now and laugh at how I thought back then! LOL
I HAVE been thinking about writing my story on addiction and trying to get it published in a magazine, but it's only a thought so far. I think it would be a great help for others because I don't look like what you think a drug addict is supposed to look like. When you think of addicts, you think of someone who's lost their job, doesn't wash their hair, has track marks up and down their arms, has sores on their body...... we stereotype addicts and look down upon them.
But maybe if there was someone out there - a NEW face for addiction- a wife, a mother, attractive, nice home.... maybe if we make THAT the face of addiction, people will not run away from us but will start treating this as a sickness that can be cured with love and support.
We'll see.... I've been so busy with my own life and trying to stay clean on top of that, that I haven't had time for writing lately.
Yes, I remember talking to you about your wife. I'm so sorry about that. You are doing the right thing about getting clean because your kids need you... you're all they have now and I know you want to be around to take care of them, at least until they're all adults.
Congratulations on your engagement...... Your wife would have wanted you to find someone to share your life with, to love and be a mother to the kids.... I'm sure of that. Just be honest with her - getting clean got A LOT easier when I stopped hiding things from my husband and I started turning to him for support.
Danielle
