Hello there, sorry if this post seems a little rambling but I'm really worried, I appreciate fully every single answer that anyone gives. Thanks in advance. BTW I'm totally new here and fell upon this forum browsing for help so hello!
I started chatting to someone last November and we finally started seeing each other in december. I know when we first started talking he was using heroin after a relapse, (he's used off and on for 15 years) but he got back onto a methadone programme in the beginning of december and has since done very well. Looking back I shouldn't have gotten involved with someone with such an addiction but I was all over the place myself mentally as I suffer from major depression and also have issues with drugs, namely opiates although I never had an addiction as deep as his.
I just want to point out at this point that he's a lovely guy and I just love being with him. However, he's very immature for his age, in fact hes 34 and still lives with his parents. I know he has debts he's not telling me about and he tends to stick his head in the sand. He has also been in trouble with the law and spent time in prison a few years ago for turning his entire house into a cannabis-grow factory, I'm 9 years younger than him but I feel like the adult sometimes. However he does work full time. I get very scared he's going to relapse. He often changes his number so old contacts can't get hold of him but they somehow still manage to get his number and he often has to ignore calls. He also seems to get regular texts from people saying they have benzos and to his credit he is honest to me when he gets these and he does keep changing his number, but how long can someone resist, really?? He still smokes weed although he's even cut back on this very drastically as have I. We would always get stoned when we hung out in the beginning, but now we often enjoy each others company sober (apart from the methadone of course) and we've even been in the situation where we've had cannabis in our possession but we've chosen not to consume it and to just enjoy each others company as we are.
My main issues are-
I'm worried that what he thinks is love for me is actually just his emotions running all over the place having just quit a long addiction. I'm scared that I can't ever end my relationship with him without him going back to using because he's relying on me far too much to prop him up. I cannot support him because I struggle sometimes with my own mental health and drug problems and it would kill me if I ever thought it was my fault that he relapsed. I sense sometimes that he likes sympathy and dramatising his addiction. He openly tells me about these problems in his life but seems to almost gloss over mine, like he doesn't want to believe I have any.
Why am I with him you ask? Because I've never been with anyone who's made me laugh as much as he does. We like the same things, we chat and giggle for hours about random things. I miss him like crazy when he's not around. We spend very little time talking about drugs so I sometimes hope that he will beat his addiction and we can move forward.
Tell me straight, am I a complete idiot for getting involved with him in the first place? Has anyone successfully found a partner as they've been in recovery and continued on to build a bright future? What are the chances of this happening? Thinking about this makes me feel sick sometimes, I feel sick right now as I'm writing this. Sorry it's so long, I'm just so stressed.
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| I'm worried that what he thinks is love for me is actually just his emotions running all over the place having just quit a long addiction. I'm scared that I can't ever end my relationship with him without him going back to using because he's relying on me far too much to prop him up. I cannot support him because I struggle sometimes with my own mental health and drug problems and it would kill me if I ever thought it was my fault that he relapsed. I sense sometimes that he likes sympathy and dramatising his addiction. He openly tells me about these problems in his life but seems to almost gloss over mine, like he doesn't want to believe I have any. |
I think all the answers you need are right here. First off, you ARE an adult, even if you don't feel like one at the moment. You are in no position to be in a relationship of such need and codependence...you need to be looking after yourself, getting therapy and support for your own issues...this looks like a recipe for disaster. Someone with addiction and depression issues should probably not be smoking weed, it may not make things worse, but it sure isn't going to make them any better.
Please listen to your own words...you already know what's best for you, don't ignore it. Also, post this on the Family board, or at least read there...lots of good people in relationships with addicts, they can tell you where this may be headed, but like I said, I think you already know.
Peace ~ MomNMore
I originally posted this late last night when I was very tired. It's now the next morning and I've re-read what I wrote, and I must say I'm incredibly shocked by my situation. MomNMore thank you for your reply, you're right things do sound like a recipe for disaster, I think I just needed to hear it from someone else. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do quite yet, really confused! I will take some time and think, though. First things first I am going to stop seeing him quite so much to give myself space and I'm going to concentrate on my career. Maybe pulling away will allow him space to breathe and understand that he needs to support himself.
I will read the families/partners of addicts section. I should have posted there inititally, I apologise.
Best wishes,
ava.
I will read the families/partners of addicts section. I should have posted there inititally, I apologise.
Best wishes,
ava.
Thanks MNM,
I read part of Ava's post and thought just as you did, she's telling herself the right things to do,she needs someone to validate she is right, and as usual you hit it on the head. Thanks.
granny
I read part of Ava's post and thought just as you did, she's telling herself the right things to do,she needs someone to validate she is right, and as usual you hit it on the head. Thanks.
granny
Post on the partners board Ava, I'll talk to you there.
