I have been dating a guy for 2 years. The last year of our relationship was the hardest because he was always using behind my back and the problem got worse. In October of 2014 he hit a bottom and checked himself into rehab. He was doing great and we stayed together. I've supported him through it all. Unfortunately in January 2015 he relapseed and went back to detox and through the whole process. Still, I stayed and supported him. About 3 and a half weeks ago he came to me and kind of broke it off saying he needs to focus on himself and not on this relationship right now. Of course I felt upset and betrayed but looking at it now he had to do it for the sake of his life. I know he loves me unconditionally. I attend al anon and have a sponser and go to therapy. Of course it hurts me everyday that he "left" me. I see him sometimes and talk to him sometimes. He still tells me how much he loves and adores me more than anything. I know what I'm up against. I have studied and learned so much about the illness. I want to be with him and can see him in my future. Is it rude or messed up that he left? If he cares will he come back? He is someone I want in my future and I think this situation is teaching me how to be strong.
Jes,
I applaud him for taking his recovery seriously. It seems to me that he is working the program. In the early stages of an addicts recovery one of the suggestions are NOT to get in a relationship the 1st year. It is not rude or messed up on his part. You did the best thing you can do by going to alanon or naranon. They could explain it better than I can. If he cares and adores you he will be back. He needs to concentrate on himself. It looks like he is trying to stay clean. You are doing everything right. Just dont push him. It looks like he is doing the right thing as well. Good luck...
Joseph
I applaud him for taking his recovery seriously. It seems to me that he is working the program. In the early stages of an addicts recovery one of the suggestions are NOT to get in a relationship the 1st year. It is not rude or messed up on his part. You did the best thing you can do by going to alanon or naranon. They could explain it better than I can. If he cares and adores you he will be back. He needs to concentrate on himself. It looks like he is trying to stay clean. You are doing everything right. Just dont push him. It looks like he is doing the right thing as well. Good luck...
Joseph
Dear Jess, You stated you know he loves you unconditionally. I don't think he is being rude or wanted to hurt you....He sounds like he is trying to work on his recovery and focus on himself...My son has had addicition problems...He seems to be doing well at the moment...but when my son and I talk I remind him to focus on himself at the moment...He is such a good loving person when he is clean...and I know if he continues to work on himself and his recovery he will have more to bring into a relationship and healthier for his next realtionship. .but at the moment he needs to focus on himself ...He needs to reconnect with himself ,and begin to realize what it is he wants...I commend your boyfriend...I'm sure it hurt him to break it off with you as you were there for him...but Jess instead of thinking he was rude or about your hurt...Realize how much better it could be for both of you if he is healthy and make drugs a thing of the past...It's nice you are able to see each other and talk...encourage him to continue to recover and you continue to get some counseling. ..You may not have used drugs but still they affected you as well....jess sometimes you have to have the belief that sometimes in life you have to be patient and have understanding....which clearly you have shown...You will only benefit if he comes back to you healthy. ..He will have something special to offer you....Himself.....Clean.
Thank you so much. And I do agree that the person needs to focus on themselves. A part of me is scared that after this is done he will fall out of love with me. But I have learned in meetings to take one day at a time. I don't want to set myself up for failure incase he comes to me down the road and really leaves. But I should start to think positive and less negative. Going to meetings help me so much and I think after all I have been through with him I need my space and time to grow as well. It is absolutely hard that I cannot text or call me as often as I used to to tell him things because right now his focus is himself and his emotions and NOt me. If I work on myself but kind of in the back of my head "wait" for him am I setting myself up for failure? Am I supposed to move on or go on dates, because that is the last thing I want to do.
Your story is my EXACT story. Just add another year of using. Gosh first I'm sorry, I know exactly how you feel. I found out about his addiction and he tried to stop on his own and couldn't. So he went to rehab. During that time we weren't tofether. 2 weeks into rehab we reconnected and were together from then until about 3 weeks after he got out. And we broke up again. But this time we broke up because I hadn't changed but he was also having thoughts about using. While we were broken up for the second time, he relapsed after 55 days clean. So I knew at that moment I had nothing to do with his relapse because we weren't even speaking. But I took that time to find myself, go to al anon and understand the disease better. I was still resentful, angry, and broken. But that was my fault, not his. Yes he did these things to me like lie..... but I had no boundaries and let him. The time we were apart I read amazing books too. We started connecting again at the end of January. We are now in counseling together, I go to al anon and he goes to NA & AA. But we keep those lives separate from our life together. We may share with each other the positives and some negatives but we no longer push our problems on each other like we used to. This is not the healthiest we could be, but it's the healthiest we have ever been. My advice to you is that he is doing himself and you a favor. For both of you to love yourselves again so that yall can both be better you's when yall finally to reconnect. It takes time, but staying positive, having a higher power to turn to every day, and prayer have brought me a long way. And this is coming from someone who never prayed nor believed in any God or higher power before all of this. I wish you the BEST of luck. But love yourself first. That's the most important thing.
Wow thank you Serendipity for sharing that! So I can have hope that we will reconnect? I'm trying so hard to focus on myself. Thank you for sharing!
It's upsets to think there isn't hope. I struggle everyday knowing how hard it will be to date a addict. I know him beyond his addiction and I wish so much that I can change what is going on. Some days it's good and others I break down and struggle. Do I wait for his 90th day clean? Do I let him figure out how long he needs? Do I try and move on? Do I wait? Do I continue to love him?
I think you could become the best you that can live with or without him. unfortutantely we can never control these things, but the good news is you'll be okay regardless. Dating someone who is in recovery is hard, sometimes there is confusion and sometimes we slip back into our old questioning habits. I don't say give up hope, there is always hope! If your love is as strong as you think it is, things will work out. But before you both can have a healthy relationship you may want to be okay with yourself too. He kinda created this mess, but as their significant others we reacted instead of just left because we know they are people too, and have hearts. So we see passed the drug abuse and lies. I recommend you read books, I get mine at Barnes and Noble. They have little "mindful meditations" in them that have helped me come back to reality and understand that I can't control anything.
Yeah it's true. If it's going to be healthy he's gotta do it right. I don't give up hope! There always is hope and going to al anon is completely amazing. Thanks for your words. I can do it. I try everyday very hard.
I'm in love with an addict. She gave up me, living in a nice house, a nice suv, nice clothes and our daughter to little blue and green pills. I struggled for months until educating my self and going to nar-anon. I do have a beautiful daughter and a broken heart but not the family I wanted. Maybe someday is not really healthy for my daughter and myself. Addicts priority is their doc or their recovery. I now love her from a distance because I am sick with co-dependency and need my own recovery.
Yes. We need recovery as well. Is it very to love an addict. There recivery comes first at all times I learned. Hopefully one day they will both see how much we love and care for them. I as well, love my boyfriend from a distance. Very hard.
How long were you and bf broken up for Serendipity?
We were on and off while he was using. But we broke up October 30th and got back together January 28th. We spoke sometimes and saw each other during the off period but we knew we weren't ready to be back together. Unfortunately we both tried seeing other people during our time apart and that hurt us, but at the same time we realized I was who he wanted and he was who I wanted. It took that time apart to truly figure that out.
It is such a very hard struggle to really fully understand that the only reason he can't be with me because of his addiction. I truly hope and pray that it works out. I also have to understand that I cannot fix this but he has to. It will take me a little while to let the situation go and understand this fully.
Reading your posts is very very helpful to me in my own recovery. During my sober times God brought a special woman in my life who I've told about my addictions and despite the risks, has given me a chance and we are going to be married soon.
That day is coming up soon, and at this moment I am vulnerable to another relapse. But as of right now I'm not doing it. I'm not one for NA meetings but because of your posts, i'm reconsidering starting again just to get to one. I know I should focus on myself, but I truly believe God's gift to me after staying sober for so long is a new life, my kids happiness, my career successes AND HER!
Thing is, I can't talk to her openly about my cravings. I can't disclose the dirty details of my stories and close calls. At the same time I can't fool myself thinking that I can stay sober on my own. I too went away to a treatment facility and yes I admit, its been the longest I've ever been clean in my life. But it don't look so good over time when treatment is done based on what i've read.
I'm handing over my debit card to her Friday. Everything I need to do with my bills I can pay online. I love and trust her that much. But I can't talk to her about things, and I feel bad. But I feel that withholding what's going on with me in that aspect is necessary because she won't understand and may get scared and call everything off.
I know ya'll say if she truly loves me, she'll be there. I'm not taking the risk. But at the same time, I have to make a better effort in sticking to a recovery program, whether its NA or some other way.
Thank you for allowing me to see the other side of addiction.
That day is coming up soon, and at this moment I am vulnerable to another relapse. But as of right now I'm not doing it. I'm not one for NA meetings but because of your posts, i'm reconsidering starting again just to get to one. I know I should focus on myself, but I truly believe God's gift to me after staying sober for so long is a new life, my kids happiness, my career successes AND HER!
Thing is, I can't talk to her openly about my cravings. I can't disclose the dirty details of my stories and close calls. At the same time I can't fool myself thinking that I can stay sober on my own. I too went away to a treatment facility and yes I admit, its been the longest I've ever been clean in my life. But it don't look so good over time when treatment is done based on what i've read.
I'm handing over my debit card to her Friday. Everything I need to do with my bills I can pay online. I love and trust her that much. But I can't talk to her about things, and I feel bad. But I feel that withholding what's going on with me in that aspect is necessary because she won't understand and may get scared and call everything off.
I know ya'll say if she truly loves me, she'll be there. I'm not taking the risk. But at the same time, I have to make a better effort in sticking to a recovery program, whether its NA or some other way.
Thank you for allowing me to see the other side of addiction.
I'm totally struggling here. Do i have faith and believe he will come back? Do I not think he will come back? I feel like dying
I know the feeling. After another selfish act by my gf, I just wanted to take her to her moms after our incident at the store and avoid an argument. Well that didn't happen instead she went a little crazy bitching when I told her to take her clothes and leave(she has nothing else). Because she is angry she steals the titles to my cars. My mom was visiting so she dropped her off at a McDonalds and my Gf's mom picked her up from there. She's like a 12 year old at times.Shecis 26. So much for her wanting to help me while I'm in a wheelchair. Don't know if it's just an excuse to do other things with her always suspect since she recently cheated on me besides all the other lies, theft and the deciet. Wonder why I can't stop loving her. I wish I could. She really makes me hate my life..It is all too bad because of our daughter and I do not want anything to affect her. I know what I need to do. Have to start doing it.I don't want to live life like.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
My gf is currently in a treatment centre for the 3rd time (1st being with me). All of her previous bf's were users. She wants to become a better person and be able to become a mother by providing a clean, drug-free environment for her children.
It is very hard for me to stay positive knowing she was raised in that. We are keeping in touch daily but I fear of her relapsing again. I have heard a lot of positive stories about addicts getting out completely but I realize it is out of my control. I'm just trying to be there for her as much as I can because she is the love of my life.
Another thing is, I am very close to my family but they aren't really being supportive of my decision of being with her. I know they just want what's best for me but here I am trying to follow my heart because I want her in my life. She shut everyone she knew were users out of her life & I'm her only hope. I'm now asking myself... Am I strong enough to have a person like her in my life? I'm still struggling a bit with stuff she did in her past but I know it is not for me to worry about. I'm just seeking hope as well... that all will potentially work out in the end.
Mitch
My gf is currently in a treatment centre for the 3rd time (1st being with me). All of her previous bf's were users. She wants to become a better person and be able to become a mother by providing a clean, drug-free environment for her children.
It is very hard for me to stay positive knowing she was raised in that. We are keeping in touch daily but I fear of her relapsing again. I have heard a lot of positive stories about addicts getting out completely but I realize it is out of my control. I'm just trying to be there for her as much as I can because she is the love of my life.
Another thing is, I am very close to my family but they aren't really being supportive of my decision of being with her. I know they just want what's best for me but here I am trying to follow my heart because I want her in my life. She shut everyone she knew were users out of her life & I'm her only hope. I'm now asking myself... Am I strong enough to have a person like her in my life? I'm still struggling a bit with stuff she did in her past but I know it is not for me to worry about. I'm just seeking hope as well... that all will potentially work out in the end.
Mitch
Thank you fiddler 16. It sucks and is so hard!!!!!
