I just found out that my 35 year old daughter has been doing crack. She has been married to a severe alcoholic, and we have been trying to get her to leave him... Now she has a 2 year old son, who is in this terrible enviroment with him and her!!! Please advise us, as parents, what to do to get her to go for help...
It will be difficult to call protective services, but will if thats the way. Also, how much time will she need to get clean? She has been drinking as well...
Thanks Sally
DEAR SALLY I ALSO HAD A DAUGHTER THAT WAS ADDICTED TO CRYSTAL METH VERY HARD DRUG TO COME OFF OF. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION THERE IS NOT ALOT THAT YOU CAN DO BUT IF YOUR GRAND CHILD IS IN DANGER GO TO COURT AND GET CUSTODY OF HER IF THAT DOEN'T WAKE HER UP NOTHING WILL. SHE HAS TO WANT TO GET CLEAN. HAS SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT HER ADDICTION OR DID YOU FIND OUT FROM OTHER SOURCE? IF YOU CONFRONT HER DOES SHE DENY IT? THESE ARE SIGNS THAT SHE IS NOT READY YET. I HAD TO THROUGH MY 16 YEAR OLD OUT ON THE STREET HARDEST THING I EVER DID. BUT TODAY SHE IS 35 AND IS HEAD OF VERY LARGE CO. SHE JUST GAVE ME MY FIRST GRANDCHILD. SO PRAY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER HAVE YOUR HAND OUT WHEN SHE DOES YELL HELP AND THEN GIVE ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU CAN. BUT IF IT WAS MY DAUGHTER AND SHE WAS STILL USING IN THAT ENVIROMENT I WOULD HAVE THE CHILD. HOPE TO YOU SUEFOX83
To answer your question? No she has been denying, but I found out about this while away, from other daughter, so I have not even approuched her on this as yet.. I thougt she was drinking too much, and she kept saying it was only because of living with her drunk husband!!! Now, we realize why she is still with him, she now has a problem.....
Must we go to court for her son? Or would child protective services hand him to us if we call them on our daughter??? I really do not want the child hurt, but as parents, we must do something... Anyway, this weekend, my husband will give her an ultmatim, that she go for help, or he will blow the whistle on her and her shitty husband... I thought I would only see this on t.v., can not beleive a grown women of 35 would do this... Please, how long is the recovery, and how do they recover??? Any info would be helpful... Thanks.
Must we go to court for her son? Or would child protective services hand him to us if we call them on our daughter??? I really do not want the child hurt, but as parents, we must do something... Anyway, this weekend, my husband will give her an ultmatim, that she go for help, or he will blow the whistle on her and her shitty husband... I thought I would only see this on t.v., can not beleive a grown women of 35 would do this... Please, how long is the recovery, and how do they recover??? Any info would be helpful... Thanks.
Sally,
The recovery time takes every day for the rest of their lives, the recovery process is abstinence AND self-examination and growth.
The recovery time takes every day for the rest of their lives, the recovery process is abstinence AND self-examination and growth.
Hi Sally,
I am sorry to read about your situation. Anytime a child is involved it just makes it that much harder. I am a recovering cocaine/crack addict myself and know what those two drugs can do to a family first hand.
First off I would sit down and talk to her whether she wants to or not. I would make her understand that the childs welfare is the most important thing and that you are willing to go to any means to secure that childs safety. And you might need to prepare yourself to do that as well. So far as going to the police or Department of Human Services or court ... all areas of the country handle this differently so be careful of who you call in your area first. You may want to contact an attorney to find out what your rights are as Grandparents first. It is not always the grandparents to decide what is best for that child, and in many cases the courts will just take the child and make that decision for you. It is possible that if talking to your daughter and making her aware that she could lose her child ... she might temporarily sign custody over to you until she can get her act together. This option is best, if and when she is doing better, she can than work out getting custody back through her parents rather than possibly a foster home or someplace else. Just don't jump into anything too quickly without thinking it all the way through. You might be surprised at how the courts look at situations like this depending where you live.
Secondly ... You also need to make your daughter aware that you know what this drug can cause. Make her aware that you know of first hand stories where people have lost EVERYTHING. I am one of those people. And trust me when I tell you, I am not the exception when it comes to this particular drug. Many of us have had to lose it all before we can even come close to thinking about recovery. Houses, cars, bank accounts, relationships, and in many cases ... life itself. This drug can get a grip on you so tight that the only thing that will matter one day is USING. You can lose all self respect as well as everything else along the way. Make sure that she knows that these things I talk about can happen so quickly that even the addict themselves are in shock where they ended up. Everything you think you could or would never become, is right around the corner if you do not seek help and recovery. If you don't mind me being really blunt ... I know women who have prostituted themselves to get this drug in a matter of weeks or months of starting to use it. I know men that have sold thier $10,000 car for a mere $100 worth of this drug. So with that in mind, if that much of a personality change can happen, how important do you think that child becomes?
I am not trying to scare you but more warn you and your daughter of what is possible under the grip of this drug. The biggest problem with this drug is how quickly it grabs you and refuses to let you go.
Recovery is possible though. The first thing she has to do is admit to having a problem and than complete surrender to it. This is not a step of just admitting the problem. You must be aware that without complete honesty and willingness to accept help, abstainance is extremely unlikely.
There is one good thing about this drug. The idea of losing control of your life and complete hopelessness and insanity arrives very quickly. The hard part is, admitting it. I am just trying to make you aware of what you are dealing with here. I went through years of denying what a problem it was. Than even when I realized what a problem it was, it took me months more to truly surrender to it and takes the necessary steps towards my recovery.
I am very thankful to the few people that stuck with me and never gave up on me. If they had, who knows, I might not be here. My girlfriend and my mother did everything they could to stop me, but nothing worked until I finally had to face what I did on my own. I just thank god that they were there constantly supporting me. They could have given dozens of times and sometimes they did. But they always came back into my life and picked me up until finally I did something to help myself. They even blamed themselves at times for they became enablers. I disagree with that though. I became a horrible person who took advantage of anyone near me and they just got in my path. It got to the point where I hurt them so much that facing the hurt I put them through is what saved me. I just couldn't look at myself any longer and knew I had to do something to fix the problem. Somehow they still the good person underneath the mask I had been wearing all that time. The drugs were the mask I was wearing to hide myself from reality. That is how it starts. Than the masking of reality becomes a need more than a want. Than you become so sick and disgusted of yourself that you keep the mask on all the time to forever hide not only from reality, but from everyone as well.
Good Luck with everything but be prepared for a long battle if you want to help your daughter. I hope that it is nothing like what I put my mother and girlfriend through. My case is more to the extreme than others. I hope yours is easier of course. I just want you to be aware of what it can truly turn into.
Again ... Good Luck and get back and let us know how things turned out, especially with your grandchild.
I am sorry to read about your situation. Anytime a child is involved it just makes it that much harder. I am a recovering cocaine/crack addict myself and know what those two drugs can do to a family first hand.
First off I would sit down and talk to her whether she wants to or not. I would make her understand that the childs welfare is the most important thing and that you are willing to go to any means to secure that childs safety. And you might need to prepare yourself to do that as well. So far as going to the police or Department of Human Services or court ... all areas of the country handle this differently so be careful of who you call in your area first. You may want to contact an attorney to find out what your rights are as Grandparents first. It is not always the grandparents to decide what is best for that child, and in many cases the courts will just take the child and make that decision for you. It is possible that if talking to your daughter and making her aware that she could lose her child ... she might temporarily sign custody over to you until she can get her act together. This option is best, if and when she is doing better, she can than work out getting custody back through her parents rather than possibly a foster home or someplace else. Just don't jump into anything too quickly without thinking it all the way through. You might be surprised at how the courts look at situations like this depending where you live.
Secondly ... You also need to make your daughter aware that you know what this drug can cause. Make her aware that you know of first hand stories where people have lost EVERYTHING. I am one of those people. And trust me when I tell you, I am not the exception when it comes to this particular drug. Many of us have had to lose it all before we can even come close to thinking about recovery. Houses, cars, bank accounts, relationships, and in many cases ... life itself. This drug can get a grip on you so tight that the only thing that will matter one day is USING. You can lose all self respect as well as everything else along the way. Make sure that she knows that these things I talk about can happen so quickly that even the addict themselves are in shock where they ended up. Everything you think you could or would never become, is right around the corner if you do not seek help and recovery. If you don't mind me being really blunt ... I know women who have prostituted themselves to get this drug in a matter of weeks or months of starting to use it. I know men that have sold thier $10,000 car for a mere $100 worth of this drug. So with that in mind, if that much of a personality change can happen, how important do you think that child becomes?
I am not trying to scare you but more warn you and your daughter of what is possible under the grip of this drug. The biggest problem with this drug is how quickly it grabs you and refuses to let you go.
Recovery is possible though. The first thing she has to do is admit to having a problem and than complete surrender to it. This is not a step of just admitting the problem. You must be aware that without complete honesty and willingness to accept help, abstainance is extremely unlikely.
There is one good thing about this drug. The idea of losing control of your life and complete hopelessness and insanity arrives very quickly. The hard part is, admitting it. I am just trying to make you aware of what you are dealing with here. I went through years of denying what a problem it was. Than even when I realized what a problem it was, it took me months more to truly surrender to it and takes the necessary steps towards my recovery.
I am very thankful to the few people that stuck with me and never gave up on me. If they had, who knows, I might not be here. My girlfriend and my mother did everything they could to stop me, but nothing worked until I finally had to face what I did on my own. I just thank god that they were there constantly supporting me. They could have given dozens of times and sometimes they did. But they always came back into my life and picked me up until finally I did something to help myself. They even blamed themselves at times for they became enablers. I disagree with that though. I became a horrible person who took advantage of anyone near me and they just got in my path. It got to the point where I hurt them so much that facing the hurt I put them through is what saved me. I just couldn't look at myself any longer and knew I had to do something to fix the problem. Somehow they still the good person underneath the mask I had been wearing all that time. The drugs were the mask I was wearing to hide myself from reality. That is how it starts. Than the masking of reality becomes a need more than a want. Than you become so sick and disgusted of yourself that you keep the mask on all the time to forever hide not only from reality, but from everyone as well.
Good Luck with everything but be prepared for a long battle if you want to help your daughter. I hope that it is nothing like what I put my mother and girlfriend through. My case is more to the extreme than others. I hope yours is easier of course. I just want you to be aware of what it can truly turn into.
Again ... Good Luck and get back and let us know how things turned out, especially with your grandchild.
Thanks, going nuts,
As a mom, I keep thinking this is a bad dream, but guess its not. She won't even call us, as she knows we know.. My husband is going to deal with this, as woman can be so protective and nurturing, not helpful right now... I guess I have to pray that this child will save her, but the inbetween is so unknown..
I do know she must want the help, and so we may have to remove her child, for her to make the decision, and that hurts like hell... He can no longer live with her husband, who has been drinking for years, and who probably likes her in this condition, so she is too weak to leave...
Thanks for the input, and keep up the good work, and remember!!! Out of everything bad, comes good... God bless.... Sally
As a mom, I keep thinking this is a bad dream, but guess its not. She won't even call us, as she knows we know.. My husband is going to deal with this, as woman can be so protective and nurturing, not helpful right now... I guess I have to pray that this child will save her, but the inbetween is so unknown..
I do know she must want the help, and so we may have to remove her child, for her to make the decision, and that hurts like hell... He can no longer live with her husband, who has been drinking for years, and who probably likes her in this condition, so she is too weak to leave...
Thanks for the input, and keep up the good work, and remember!!! Out of everything bad, comes good... God bless.... Sally