I think this is going to be my last "# days clean" board. I talked with someone who sponsors others who did tell me if I drink socially or to relax once or twice a week then I'm still an addict. I respect his belief but it is not mine. I also do not think I'm going to hit any meetings. Because in thier eyes I'm a liar if they knew I had a drink or 2. Which is something I did in my post vicodin days. I want my old life back, not a new one with rules.
So, flushed 400+ vicodin down the toielet 3 weeks ago today, told my dealer to f*** off several times. Served my punishment having the worsts pains and nightmares in my life in the first week of withdrawl's.
I had a bailey's last night. For desert I had chocolate mouse, chocolate releases endorphins, so I guess that makes me 0 days clean too.
I guess I'm 0 days clean, no accomplishment. I'm sorry, no I'm not sorry, that does not make any god damn sense.
Right now I'm living a healther life than I did before vicodin. Even then I didnt have a daily breakfast with vicodin. I'm on a better diet. I run on my eliptical trainer every morning. I listen to a lot more music, uplifting music more often than I used to. Never was much into music before but now I am. My softball game has improved. My complexion and skin tone is better. I feel like I can take on the world, travel to another one and take on that world. My work ethic has improved dramatically. I'm laughing a lot more. I found a few stowaway pills and they repulsed me, and flushed them immediately. When paws sets in every now and then, I eat 2 bananas, and feel pretty good an hour or so after that.
I had a bailey's last night, which I did not even finish because I drank a sprite 0 at dinner. Had a smart start breakfast this AM with vitamins, ran on my trainer and now I'm drinking a nice cold gatorade. I'm going to relax today, play some video games and watch the yankee game tonight.
And please do not bring up the xanax, you do not know the whole story on that one. All I will say it is prescribed, and I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. It improves my mood, the same way vitamins do, but thier is no vitamin for my disorder.
I told this all to the sponsor and he tells me I've made no accomplishment, 0 days clean. Again, does not make a lick of sense to me.
I believe there is at least one person on this planet that has gotten off of drugs similar to the way I did. Flushing those pills and even those 4 torturous days following was not only incredibly painful, but equally as spiritual. Two saturdays ago the worst was over, still a little weak and had leg cramps. A-Rod hit a walk off grand slam against Baltimore and I jumped in the air and roared in his victory, and that was the day I realized I could live again without opiates/vicodin. Since then I have never looked back, and each day has gotten better and better, even the paws days, because even on those days, vicodin or any opiate disgusts me.
I'm not leaving the board or anything, may post a reply here or there, but the daily update responses stress me out, in addition I am causing stress within myself and most folks who reply. One person said she loves reading my posts, to her I say thank you
Let me close in saying that for all of you who give in to a higher power, 12 step, etc... I do not think IN ANY WAY that I am better than you. If it has been working for you, and you believe in it, God Bless You. Each and everyone of you have always been in my prayer's every day since posting to the board, and will continue to be. What I'm saying above has been working for me, you do not have to believe in it or support it. Peace. - Chris
Chris-
I swear to god, I am so freaking sick of hearing about you and your 400 vicodin flushing down the toilet, I could puke.
Quit trying to stir the pot.
I am so so sick of listening to it, You are so f-ing unique arent you.
I swear to god, I am so freaking sick of hearing about you and your 400 vicodin flushing down the toilet, I could puke.
Quit trying to stir the pot.
I am so so sick of listening to it, You are so f-ing unique arent you.
That was rude.
Chris, I admire your courage to come clean and be honest. That should count for something. I still think you have a wonderful energy about you. Regarding the spiritual aspect of recovery....I had to go to India before I believed in something bigger.
Love and Light,
Diana
Chris, I admire your courage to come clean and be honest. That should count for something. I still think you have a wonderful energy about you. Regarding the spiritual aspect of recovery....I had to go to India before I believed in something bigger.
Love and Light,
Diana
LOL...Jodi!
Good luck Chris...and also...you don't get cured from addiction. Of course you are still an addict. Just because you STOP..doesn't mean you are cured. You have a daily reprieve..and if you work hard you can put your disease into remission but you will always be an addict.
Whether or not you are in recovery is up to you. Seems to me that your former life was not that great if you felt the need to eat 20 plus pills a day!
It is hard to hear stuff that you don't want to hear. Here you will get all kinds of advice and comments when you put yourself out there. That is the nature of the beast.
Good luck Chris...and also...you don't get cured from addiction. Of course you are still an addict. Just because you STOP..doesn't mean you are cured. You have a daily reprieve..and if you work hard you can put your disease into remission but you will always be an addict.
Whether or not you are in recovery is up to you. Seems to me that your former life was not that great if you felt the need to eat 20 plus pills a day!
It is hard to hear stuff that you don't want to hear. Here you will get all kinds of advice and comments when you put yourself out there. That is the nature of the beast.
Well Java, I'm not sick of hearing it, because everytime I say it, write it, think it, I smile. And if you bothered to read my closing paragraph, I said I did not think I was better than anyone here. I cant say I'm unique from any of you, because I do not know any of you personally. While we are all addicts, we are all different people.
This is the anger and negativity that my posts seem to bring, thanks for proving my point. Peace. - Chris
This is the anger and negativity that my posts seem to bring, thanks for proving my point. Peace. - Chris
Chris, from where I sit, you have done remarkably well, Keep being you and don't ever apologize for being who you are.
Java, wow, I am in shock, that was so uncalled for. I know you have issues but who doesn't; it was mean spirited what you said to Chris, don't read his posts if they bother you so much. You have your own porch to clean.
Chris I admire you for what you have accomplished. You do what is right for you.
Java, wow, I am in shock, that was so uncalled for. I know you have issues but who doesn't; it was mean spirited what you said to Chris, don't read his posts if they bother you so much. You have your own porch to clean.
Chris I admire you for what you have accomplished. You do what is right for you.
Chris..
I wouldn't say you had 0 days clean. Everyone interprets sobriety differently. I would say congratulations on the number days clean off of opiates. I have over two months clean. And yes I still occasionally have a beer. The point is that I don't overdo it. It sounds like the case for you.
Deirdre
I wouldn't say you had 0 days clean. Everyone interprets sobriety differently. I would say congratulations on the number days clean off of opiates. I have over two months clean. And yes I still occasionally have a beer. The point is that I don't overdo it. It sounds like the case for you.
Deirdre
How can someone so Alien understand me :) Sorry couldn't resist :) - Chris
I apologize for being rude. That is not my nature.
Jeez.
My point was every post you make Chris there has to be some controversy surrounding it. That was all.
Going to go sweep my porch...............Your right it is really dirty, but never claimed it clean.
Jeez.
My point was every post you make Chris there has to be some controversy surrounding it. That was all.
Going to go sweep my porch...............Your right it is really dirty, but never claimed it clean.
Chris...
I just call myself that, because I feel so out of place where I am currently living. I wouldn't worry about what someone else thinks about how much sober time you have. I think that is up to you to decide.
Deirdre
I just call myself that, because I feel so out of place where I am currently living. I wouldn't worry about what someone else thinks about how much sober time you have. I think that is up to you to decide.
Deirdre
All I want to say is Chris is that you said you want your old life back. That's what I wanted for so long to. But now I'm starting to realize that we can never have our old life back. That doesn't mean we can't be happy. It means that whatever was happening in our old lives caused us to abuse drugs and so we really don't want that back. We must look forward and create a heathier, happy, and more honest future. Best wishes.
Shelly
Shelly
i dont care how dirty your porch is JAVA JODI....
i love ya !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
****smile******
thumper
i love ya !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
****smile******
thumper
I love you too Thumper girl :)
You always make me smile, no matter what.
Love you.
You always make me smile, no matter what.
Love you.
Of course I'll always live with the memory of the pills I've done. I've done things in the past besides drugs, this is one more memory I will have to live with, and learn from.
Buying pills by the 100s used to be my voice of calm.
Now knowing that there is a few stray pills around the house makes me sick. Everytime I find one it's gone.
Java, yeah I can be a bit extreme, been that way all my life. Comes with having a very abusive demon who was not my father, with my mother as the enabler, and alcoholic. I moved out when I was 19, he didn't want me to because I paid rent there and he took it to the track. I had enough money to move out, and cleaned my room out while they were at the track and loaded it on to a truck. He used to beat me at least once a week, try to control me, tried to make me join the army at 17. Tried to make me work on the docs, when I saved money to buy a computer he broke it. He told me all my life I'd be a dock worker, and it was a good job. Sure it is, but not for me.
Anyway, he took his last swing at me as I was on my way out of the house, I broke his nose and knocked him to the floor. I told get up and you'll be down there again, and that he made a huge mistake, today he did not try to hit a boy, he tried to hit a man. That was the last time I saw him.
Just a small piece of my past, for anyone who cares. I'm sure others have suffered more, or less, or about the same. I'm not asking for pity because I feel amazing today. - Chris
Buying pills by the 100s used to be my voice of calm.
Now knowing that there is a few stray pills around the house makes me sick. Everytime I find one it's gone.
Java, yeah I can be a bit extreme, been that way all my life. Comes with having a very abusive demon who was not my father, with my mother as the enabler, and alcoholic. I moved out when I was 19, he didn't want me to because I paid rent there and he took it to the track. I had enough money to move out, and cleaned my room out while they were at the track and loaded it on to a truck. He used to beat me at least once a week, try to control me, tried to make me join the army at 17. Tried to make me work on the docs, when I saved money to buy a computer he broke it. He told me all my life I'd be a dock worker, and it was a good job. Sure it is, but not for me.
Anyway, he took his last swing at me as I was on my way out of the house, I broke his nose and knocked him to the floor. I told get up and you'll be down there again, and that he made a huge mistake, today he did not try to hit a boy, he tried to hit a man. That was the last time I saw him.
Just a small piece of my past, for anyone who cares. I'm sure others have suffered more, or less, or about the same. I'm not asking for pity because I feel amazing today. - Chris
You're doing well Chris. Just stay the course. There is something for all to be taken form the board. You're always welcome.
God Bless,
Beck
God Bless,
Beck
I would not use the word "extreme" really........
I think you come across a bit defensive to anyone here, who had tried to really help you.
THe best of the best here have offered you there advice, and you have yet to take it, You question it, and try to find a glitch in the system to work in your favor.
I am working at this too Chris, but I also know there are so many here that have been much farther than I..............I appreciate them, and I value there advice, is why I am here.
Good luck to you.
I think you come across a bit defensive to anyone here, who had tried to really help you.
THe best of the best here have offered you there advice, and you have yet to take it, You question it, and try to find a glitch in the system to work in your favor.
I am working at this too Chris, but I also know there are so many here that have been much farther than I..............I appreciate them, and I value there advice, is why I am here.
Good luck to you.
Hang in there Jody. I know what you're feeling right now and sometimes it comes out in anger. It isn't productive but sometimes it's all we've got to work with.
Chris...everybody is different. What works for me might now work for you. All I know is that I've been clean and sober for 3 years and it was because of NA and AA. I don't want my old life back. It was never good to start with. My life now is better than anything I could imagine and it's because I did what I was told, listened to things I didn't want to hear and worked the steps until my "new" life was happy. I can't be happy if I'm self medicating. To me, any kind of substance that I use to feel different other than what my body produces is self medicating. Don't give up on the meetings just yet. Give yourself a chance to hear a few more things.
Chris...everybody is different. What works for me might now work for you. All I know is that I've been clean and sober for 3 years and it was because of NA and AA. I don't want my old life back. It was never good to start with. My life now is better than anything I could imagine and it's because I did what I was told, listened to things I didn't want to hear and worked the steps until my "new" life was happy. I can't be happy if I'm self medicating. To me, any kind of substance that I use to feel different other than what my body produces is self medicating. Don't give up on the meetings just yet. Give yourself a chance to hear a few more things.
Lisa I cannot thank you enough.............I am trying here. I am certainly not a mean spirited person, that I know for sure.
Anger is right...........
Thanks Lisa, for understanding, you are so right.
Anger is right...........
Thanks Lisa, for understanding, you are so right.
